Review: Sqweel 2


Lovehoney didn’t have to talk me into reviewing the Sqweel 2. I’m not sure why. You’d think, after experiencing the vulva hog and noisemaker that was the original Sqweel, I’d be done with that flappity flap shit. But maybe enough time has passed that the previous wound healed? Or at least sufficiently scabbed over?

This new-‘n’-improved Sqweel comes in a cardboard box and plastic clam shell combo which, of course, boasts it as “THE WORLD’S BEST-SELLING ORAL SEX TOY” (emphasis always theirs), and the back lists all the improvements. If they’d been entirely truthful in why this Sqweel is better than the old one, the packaging would’ve read: Tongues don’t stop quite as easily mid-use due to 30% more power! No longer made of a porous material! Gunk will not get stuck in the inner crevices as much! Marginally less annoying on the ears!

Lovehoney also sent me a bottle of Tracey Cox Supersex Love Lube and a package of 4 AAAs. One of those things I appreciated. The other made me seethe because it contains glycerin and parabens. Anyway…

Things that are the same: number of tongues (10, just like your boyfriend), shape and size of tongues, the wretched mechanical sound it makes (although the Sqweel 2 is not as high-pitched), the price, the fact that it takes 3 AAAs (ugh).

Things that are different in the Sqweel 2: the tongues are made of silicone instead of TPR, there are three modes and three speeds rather than just three speeds, the case is glossy rather than matte, the case is bulkier and it’s easier to dis- and re-assemble. By its very nature, the Sqweel will never be easy to clean, but at least there are fewer inner crevices for my vaginal juices to inhabit.

Which one of these things makes the most difference? The silicone used for the tongues. They are now firmer, so they feel more intense. HOWEVER! I cannot say this enough times: the Sqweel does not feel like oral sex. No sex toy feels like oral sex. Sex toys ARE NOT HUMAN TONGUES! I almost wanted to use multiple exclamation points there. That’s how passionate I feel about this issue. I considered breaking the laws of grammar.

I was approximately 60 pounds heavier when I reviewed the original Sqweel, and I have to conclude that my outer labia were fleshier then. Because back then, I had to hold open my labia for the Sqweel to access my clit — and now I don’t. However, the design of the Sqweel 2’s case, coupled with the firmer silicone, mean I don’t have to press it into my body nearly as much as I did with the original.

And you know, I do like this silly device. It is strange and abnormal and unlike anything else. It’s flapping and ridiculous and yes, pleasurable. Very pleasurable, at times, when enough lube is used and I’m holding it just right. But it has many caveats.

Like, yeah, I hope you have a lube dispenser next to your bed because that is what the Sqweel requires. And even when I think I’ve wasted enough lube for the tongues to slide sufficiently, the Sqweel still PULLS OUT MY PUBES. It legit feels like one wrong turn and I’ve got my hand stuck in a shredder. (Oh god, I saw the most horrible episode of I Survived about that once.) During one particular session, the Sqweel was grabbing my pubes so frequently that I actually turned it off, reached for my scissors, and snipped my pubes right then and there. Of course, that still didn’t completely solve it.

There’s also the fact that the “30% more power” thing is pretty misleading. And this is annoying to explain, so I apologize. The original Sqweel’s first setting is tortuously slow and stupid, so the first setting on the Sqweel 2 is comparable to the second setting on the original. The weird thing, though, is that the third setting on the original Sqweel is actually faster than the third setting on the Sqweel 2 — but feels more intense because of the firmness of the tongues.

I prefer these faster settings, but some people miss the tortuously slow setting. I can also come very easily with the Sqweel 2, whereas others can’t come at all. There is a lot of variance in Sqweel experiences.

The “flicker mode” is what I was most intrigued by. This “to-and-fro” motion, as the manual so quaintly calls it, has the potential to make the Sqweel more like oral sex than it ever was (which is to say, not much at all). But there’s a problem: there’s a span of time in between the back and the forth. It’s probably less than half a second, but I mean, what is this? Is this supposed to get me off or what? Why should there be a pause, no matter how miniscule? Not to mention it feels like something is uncomfortably manipulating my clit. No, sir, I don’t like it.

And still, the Sqweel is a vulva hog. It’s really a quite presumptuous toy, assuming all I need is its whirling tongues to be satisfied. But my vagina craves fullness and thrusting. It craves dildos. And using dildos with the Sqweel 2 is a fucking chore and a half. This may be the single biggest deterrent to me when considering using this toy. Well, that and the thought of having to clean it.

I guess some things about the Sqweel will never change. Just like my Obama-hating cousin, the Sqweel is set in its ways and cannot be persuaded to become smaller, rechargeable, and less of a pube-eater, no matter how many times I post improvement tips on its Facebook wall. I have to remember its good quirks — like telling drunken stories its unique sensation — and accept that the rest will not change. Which is frustrating, because Obama is a badass… and the Sqweel could really be something great if it would just realize that.

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