supposed oral sex simulator

Sex toys are not human tongues, and yet the world keeps trying to make that happen.

Review: Womanizer W100

Review: Womanizer W100

Why isn’t this sex toy wearing a wife beater? Why isn’t it blasting Eminem? Why isn’t it friends with OJ? Why doesn’t it endorse Robin Thicke? Why doesn’t the spout emit AXE body spray? I feel these are legitimate questions to ask of a sex toy named the Womanizer. I know it was designed by Germans, but guys, it’s 2015, you need to nary lift an ass cheek off your chair to find the answer to any imaginable question. For instance, I recently Googled “do cats go through menopause” and “can guitar face be controlled.” You are capable of Googling “womanizer.” You’re not naming your external hard drive; you’re naming a product, which presumably you plan to market in the US. This word . . . read more

Review: Ora 2

Review: Ora 2

I wish the entirety of this review could just be the word no. Not even repeated for emphasis, not even in all caps. Just a single, lonely, plaintive no. I am bored by how predictably mediocre the LELO Ora 2 is. When the press release called the Ora “the world’s most sophisticated oral sex simulator,” I didn’t fly into a rage — I just sighed. Granted, Je Joue is acting like their SaSi — the actual first oral sex toy — never happened. Like they 86’d it and buried it ten miles out of town. Which works for me, because the SaSi sucked. But that doesn’t mean LELO gets to swoop in and snatch the credit. Also, when you have to push the second generation of a toy within a year . . . read more

Review: Sqweel Go

Review: Sqweel Go

“IT’S SO GODDAMN CUTE,” I stammered upon opening the Lovehoney Sqweel Go. I actually cooed over it, like an idiot. I don’t normally care if sex toys are “cute,” but this toy reminded me of a hamster or hedgehog or something. It was actually smaller than I’d imagined, which pretty much never happens. There was another reason for my excitement as well. It appeared Lovehoney had taken my advice, FINALLY, after YEARS. I wrote about the first Sqweel in 2009: . . . to really excel as a clitoral stimulator, the Sqweel would need to shrink by 50%, have more power, and not sound like a kid’s mechanical toy. When little had been fixed in the second generation Sqweel 2 in 2012, I lamented that it never would be: Just like my Obama-hating . . . read more

Review: Sqweel 2

Review: Sqweel 2

[There’s a newer and smaller Sqweel now! Read my review of the Sqweel Go.] Lovehoney didn’t have to talk me into reviewing the Sqweel 2. I’m not sure why. You’d think, after experiencing the vulva hog and noisemaker that was the original Sqweel, I’d be done with that flappity flap shit. But maybe enough time has passed that the previous wound healed? Or at least sufficiently scabbed over? This new-‘n’-improved Sqweel comes in a cardboard box and plastic clam shell combo which, of course, boasts it as “THE WORLD’S BEST-SELLING ORAL SEX TOY” (emphasis always theirs), and the back lists all the improvements. If they’d been entirely truthful in why this Sqweel is better than the old one, the packaging would’ve read: Tongues don’t stop quite . . . read more

Review: Form 3

Review: Form 3

Bless Jimmyjane’s little hearts; they really are trying. They’re trying so hard to create innovative toys, but they keep promising shit that they can’t follow through on. Just as the Form 2 was supposed to function as vibrating tweezers, the Form 3 is supposed to “amplify touch” through a thin silicone membrane. Sounds awesome, I know. The Form 3 can be described by all the buzzwords that make my heart go pitter-patter: it’s rechargeable, made of 100% silicone, and fully waterproof, and best of all, strong. It hits all of those targets without any caveats. It’s also easy to clean and its buttons are fun to press (always a plus!). But there is one important thing that is not quite right . . . read more

Review: SaSi

Review: SaSi

The SaSi is no longer in production. The closest approximation is the LELO Ora. There’s also the Womanizer. The Je Joue SaSi is a few years old now, but it’s still often touted as one of the most innovative sex toys on the block. It’s just like oral sex! It remembers what you like! Look at the rolly-ball go! It’s a technological wonder! And yes, the SaSi does look exciting. It features a mechanical ball about the size of a small gumball that moves around underneath a thin layer of 100% silicone. It has a “customize” mode in which the user can skip certain settings and press the “don’t stop” button on others. Over time, the toy remembers which settings were favored, . . . read more

Review: Sqweel

Review: Sqweel

[There are two newer Sqweels now! Read my reviews of the Sqweel 2 and Sqweel Go.] The only clue I had to the Lovehoney Sqweel was a cryptic yet enticing website with a swirly icon on it. But the icon reminded me of a shortbread cookie and the accompanying slogan was “A Revolution in Orgasms,” so I couldn’t resist the mystery product — even if I knew nothing about it. I can’t turn down a revolution. My puzzlement upon opening the Sqweel should demonstrate to you that this toy is quite unique. I mean, usually I understand a toy immediately. But I looked at the black, clam-shaped thing with confusion, until I finally realized I needed to open it. Then I saw the . . . read more

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