vulva hog

Toys that take up TOO MUCH GODDAMN SPACE on my vulva, leaving little room for (usually) penetration.

Review: Eva

Review: Eva

I’ve never told you much about my labia, but I guess now’s as good a time as any. I’d describe my outer labia as puffy, yet unobtrusive. My inner labia? Visible but modest. Usually, my labia don’t cross my mind often… but then the Dame Eva came along, and suddenly I was digging around in there like a raccoon foraging through the garbage. Engineered with the wishful thinking that the vulva is merely a puzzle to be solved, Eva is a rechargeable vibrator with flexible arms that tuck under the labia to secure the toy to one’s vulva, against the clitoris. It’s sort of a modern-day, body-safe take on the laughably-bad strap-on vibrators of yore (see: “I am not easily embarrassed when it comes to sex toys, . . . read more

Review: Rosa and Rosa Rouge

Review: Rosa and Rosa Rouge

It’s not often that a new sex toy company comes out of the woodwork with a product that immediately garners critical acclaim — but that is exactly what happened with the L’Amourose Rosa. Reports of deep, rumbly vibrations echoed through the blogosphere. My eyes narrowed. My fingers tented. It seemed like maybe, just maybe, a challenger had appeared to rival my all-time fave, the LELO Mona 2. The Rosa comes in two versions: the original ($180) and the Rosa Rouge (a heated version — $240). First notable thing: these toys are really fucking expensive. $180 for a rechargeable insertable toy is unusual enough,1 and tacking on $60 for the heating element is nearing highway robbery. With no track record of manufacturing quality products or properly addressing support requests, these prices are hard to . . . read more

Review: (Hitachi) Magic Wand Rechargeable

Review: (Hitachi) Magic Wand Rechargeable

IS THAT A CORDLESS HITACHI????? —everyone on earth whenever I post a photo of the Magic Wand Rechargeable Yes. Yes, it is. The time has come, my friends. The legendary Hitachi Magic Wand, widely regarded as the most powerful vibrator of all time, now comes in a rechargeable version. It can finally be there for you during power outages. While camping. On your porch. In your treehouse. On your top bunk. Or simply when you’re too damn lazy to get up and plug something in. (Me, all the time.) The world has been holding its breath, as have I, because there are many ways this new version could have gone terribly wrong. But release that breath. Let it out. Almost everything went right. This . . . read more

Review: Ora 2

Review: Ora 2

I wish the entirety of this review could just be the word no. Not even repeated for emphasis, not even in all caps. Just a single, lonely, plaintive no. I am bored by how predictably mediocre the LELO Ora 2 is. When the press release called the Ora “the world’s most sophisticated oral sex simulator,” I didn’t fly into a rage — I just sighed. Granted, Je Joue is acting like their SaSi — the actual first oral sex toy — never happened. Like they 86’d it and buried it ten miles out of town. Which works for me, because the SaSi sucked. But that doesn’t mean LELO gets to swoop in and snatch the credit. Also, when you have to push the second generation of a toy within a year . . . read more

Review: Cupcake

Review: Cupcake

This sex toy is everything I hate. Cutesy. Twee. Pink. Girly. Symbolic. I want to chuck it into a river. So why am I reviewing it? Oh, I have my reasons. Listen to Tommy with a candle burning and they will become clear. I’ll just say this: treat sex toy reviewers like garbage, and we’ll retaliate with a fucking brick wall of links. Like, we will ruin your Google reputation. Not that the Cupcake needs any help. Its shitty icing and stupid cherry and buried vibrations speak for themselves. It comes in a metal tin with a tiny pin-up girl booklet. What? Isn’t that what you want with your vibrator? No? Why? AREN’T YOU A WOMAN? Sorry, this is actually the manual. Which alerts . . . read more

Review: Sqweel 2

Review: Sqweel 2

[There’s a newer and smaller Sqweel now! Read my review of the Sqweel Go.] Lovehoney didn’t have to talk me into reviewing the Sqweel 2. I’m not sure why. You’d think, after experiencing the vulva hog and noisemaker that was the original Sqweel, I’d be done with that flappity flap shit. But maybe enough time has passed that the previous wound healed? Or at least sufficiently scabbed over? This new-‘n’-improved Sqweel comes in a cardboard box and plastic clam shell combo which, of course, boasts it as “THE WORLD’S BEST-SELLING ORAL SEX TOY” (emphasis always theirs), and the back lists all the improvements. If they’d been entirely truthful in why this Sqweel is better than the old one, the packaging would’ve read: Tongues don’t stop quite . . . read more

Review: Rock Box

Review: Rock Box

Lovehoney sure likes to keep secrets from me. First it was the Sqweel, and now the ominously-named Rock Box, which I had to apply to review without knowing much beyond the fact that it was THE WORLD’S MOST POWERFUL SEX TOY!!!1!!1. Considering that phrase no longer means anything to me, undeterred and with a flourish, I wrote in the application box: I like to ROCK. And I have a lot of Aerosmith I could listen to whilst using the Rock Box. Apparently that was good enough, because Lovehoney sent me the Rock Box. Which is approximately ten times more ridiculous than I imagined it would be. The Hitachi is often called a power tool, but the Rock Box takes that shit to . . . read more

Review: Two

Review: Two

The Wet for Her Two is… um, actually, what is it? Is it a dildo? A sleeve? Should I call it a “finger extender”? I don’t know. It’s just… long silicone fingers with a hole in the end for human fingers. The first 3 inches or so of the toy are hollow, leaving the last 2 inches solid. The Two comes in a semi-classy oversized cardboard box with a plastic window. The back of the box features an awkward black and white photo of two fingers resting strategically atop a boob, concealing the nipple. The dildo itself sits in a rectangular foam cut-out, and is not wrapped or sealed in any way. When I opened mine, the dildo was covered in little . . . read more

Review: SaSi

Review: SaSi

The SaSi is no longer in production. The closest approximation is the LELO Ora. There’s also the Womanizer. The Je Joue SaSi is a few years old now, but it’s still often touted as one of the most innovative sex toys on the block. It’s just like oral sex! It remembers what you like! Look at the rolly-ball go! It’s a technological wonder! And yes, the SaSi does look exciting. It features a mechanical ball about the size of a small gumball that moves around underneath a thin layer of 100% silicone. It has a “customize” mode in which the user can skip certain settings and press the “don’t stop” button on others. Over time, the toy remembers which settings were favored, . . . read more

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