upgraded model

Review: Mystic Wand Rechargeable

Review: Mystic Wand Rechargeable

It’s a let-down, but not in the “my clit is screaming” way. Not in the “orgasm seems like an impassable river” way, or even in the “these vibrations feel like death” way. But in the manageably sad way, like your car stereo breaking right before a big road trip. Not apocalyptic, but less than ideal. I expected to love this vibrator, but you know what happens when your hopes are high: they get dashed. The Vibratex Mystic Wand Rechargeable weakens under the weight of comparison. It cannot outshine its competitors or its predecessor. Its shape bears similarities to other sex toys that surpass it; its name sets up promises it cannot keep. It is a “wand” only very loosely, and is in many ways a downgrade from . . . read more

Review: Siri 2

Review: Siri 2

FINALLY. Fucking finally. I’ve been waiting years for LELO to upgrade their humble little clit vibe, Siri. While they were off dilly-dallying with weird oral sex simulators and pretentious cock rings, I was over here drumming my fingernails on my desk, condescendingly clicking my tongue, wondering if the almost-great Siri would ever get an upgrade. The sex toy landscape was different when I reviewed the original Siri back in 2010. Pickings were slim when it came to rechargeable clitoral vibrators, and I was less jaded. I liked the cute, egg-shaped Siri. It wasn’t terribly strong, but it was rumbly, and it was enough. “Is it the clit vibe to end all clit vibes?” I wrote. “Not quite — it would need to be waterproof . . . read more

Review: Ora 2

Review: Ora 2

I wish the entirety of this review could just be the word no. Not even repeated for emphasis, not even in all caps. Just a single, lonely, plaintive no. I am bored by how predictably mediocre the LELO Ora 2 is. When the press release called the Ora “the world’s most sophisticated oral sex simulator,” I didn’t fly into a rage — I just sighed. Granted, Je Joue is acting like their SaSi — the actual first oral sex toy — never happened. Like they 86’d it and buried it ten miles out of town. Which works for me, because the SaSi sucked. But that doesn’t mean LELO gets to swoop in and snatch the credit. Also, when you have to push the second generation of a toy within a year . . . read more

Review: Comet II Wand

Review: Comet II Wand

Bloggers created a wave of hysteria following the release of the Jopen Key Comet G Wand. “It effortlessly strokes the fuck out of my G-spot and makes me thank my lucky stars I was born with a vagina,” Girly Juice raved. “I was 38 years old and found my G-spot for the first time in my life with the Key Comet and the blended orgasms I can get with it completely blow my mind,” Dizzygirl wrote. I ranked it as the #1 sex toy I tried in 2013 and explained, “this is simply a toy that comes very, very, disturbingly close to usurping one of the greatest G-spot dildos of all time . . . [it’s] one of the best straight-up G-spot . . . read more

Review: Gigi 2

Review: Gigi 2

The Gigi used to be one of LELO’s flagship toys. A true fan favorite. The kind of toy people would keep on their wishlists for years, save up for, tell all their Tumblr friends to buy. But I am officially revoking that honor; I’m using the past tense. The Gigi has not kept up with the times. I tried the first Gigi in 2009, back when I was still wowed by rechargeable toys and slick packaging. It was “elegant,” I conceded, but I was disturbed by the high-pitched whine it emitted — and disappointed by how short it was. Although my vagina had yet to become a black hole, I still found it too petite. When rumblings about a Gigi 2 started surfacing, I . . . read more

Review: (Hitachi) Magic Wand Original

Review: (Hitachi) Magic Wand Original

[Wondering how I feel about the rechargeable version of this toy? I LOVE IT.] I finally get the Hitachi. I am now old and my vulva is grizzled, and I have come to a place of understanding with the bumbling, imprecise beast that is the Hitachi Magic Wand. Perhaps that is how it was meant to be. But there should be laws forbidding newbie reviewers from trying it. I received my first one a mere month after launching my blog, and I ended my almost-entirely-useless review with, “I know eventually I will sing your praises just as everyone else has. I just need time.” Swayed, for sure, by the guise of sugarcoating, it was a sentence that, five years later — and . . . read more

Review: Mia 2 and Adore Me Pleasure Set

Review: Mia 2 and Adore Me Pleasure Set

The LELO Mia and I go way back. Almost to the beginning of this blog. A lot of things have changed since then — for instance, I am now a hardcore Google Chrome fan, and the clunky Compaq laptop pictured in my original Mia review has been replaced by a sleek white Sony Vaio1. With the times, Mia has evolved as well. But “second generation” is a confusing thing to say, since technically Mia is in its third generation. I tried the original back in 2008, then another version in early 2011, when the toy was updated with a new (and quite pleasing) motor. The LELO Mia has now set a new record for me — it is the first toy . . . read more

Review: Mona 2

Review: Mona 2

[How much do I love the Mona 2? So much that I now have BACK-UP MONAS. But what about the Mona Wave? It’s a half-assed imposter.] It’s kind of ridiculous how much I like my LELO Mona 2. Fuck it, love. It just feels weird to say that because the Mona is such a simple toy. It’s not a revolutionary shape, and in fact, it’s been around for some time and I’ve all but ignored it. So it is sort of unnatural and worrisome how much I’ve latched onto it now. But I cannot lie — I adore this vibrator. When LELO announced the release of their updated Mona 2, Ina 2, and Elise 2, I wasn’t particularly excited. Waterproof? . . . read more

Review: Sqweel 2

Review: Sqweel 2

[There’s a newer and smaller Sqweel now! Read my review of the Sqweel Go.] Lovehoney didn’t have to talk me into reviewing the Sqweel 2. I’m not sure why. You’d think, after experiencing the vulva hog and noisemaker that was the original Sqweel, I’d be done with that flappity flap shit. But maybe enough time has passed that the previous wound healed? Or at least sufficiently scabbed over? This new-‘n’-improved Sqweel comes in a cardboard box and plastic clam shell combo which, of course, boasts it as “THE WORLD’S BEST-SELLING ORAL SEX TOY” (emphasis always theirs), and the back lists all the improvements. If they’d been entirely truthful in why this Sqweel is better than the old one, the packaging would’ve read: Tongues don’t stop quite . . . read more

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