Is this the clit vibe to end all clit vibes? It’s closer than most have come. Just don’t use its dismal music mode.
FINALLY. Fucking finally.
I’ve been waiting years for LELO to upgrade their humble little clit vibe, Siri. While they were off dilly-dallying with weird oral sex simulators and pretentious cock rings, I was over here drumming my fingernails on my desk, condescendingly clicking my tongue, wondering if the almost-great Siri would ever get an upgrade.
The sex toy landscape was different when I reviewed the original Siri back in 2010. Pickings were slim when it came to rechargeable clitoral vibrators, and I was less jaded. I liked the cute, egg-shaped Siri. It wasn’t terribly strong, but it was rumbly, and it was enough. “Is it the clit vibe to end all clit vibes?” I wrote. “Not quite — it would need to be waterproof and have more power.”
Siri is finally fulfilling the destiny I always envisioned for it. It is now waterproof and indeed, it is more powerful. But because this is LELO in 2016, there must be an added “feature” nobody asked for: sound sensitivity. Thanks, guys, for giving me something to bitch about! Wouldn’t be right to go an entire review without yelling about some dumb gimmick, eh?
Aside from that music mode (which I will properly address in a bit), Siri 2 is almost exactly what I hoped it would be. Within just a few uses, this vibrator earned its place in the top drawer of my desk, along with my three Monas and Pure Wand — the upper echelon of my sex toy collection. It truly is a versatile and stimulating little bugger.
But I was crotchety, at first. Siri’s buttons used to be effortless to press, and now they’re recessed and require a much more concerted effort. I’m an old person and I hate change, so I was disproportionately angry about this. But like that time Burger King replaced their chicken tenders with nuggets, time passed and I begrudgingly accepted my new reality. I just have to brace the toy against my hand to change settings. It’s not the worst.
At 4″ long, Siri 2 is small enough to nuzzle into my vulva, but not so tiny that it leaps out of my fingers. It’s perfect for some quick hand-down-the-pajama-pants action, but equally excellent for longer masturbation sessions.1 I tend to hold it sideways against my clit so it’s more pinpoint, but it can also be positioned straight on for more broad stimulation.
In addition to its power and the rumbly nature of its vibrations, Siri 2’s biggest asset is its wide range of intensity settings — a continuum, if you will, rather than a couple pre-programmed speeds. It also lasts an admirable 2 hours and 9 minutes on a charge on high, and it comes in glorious, glorious black. (And some other shades called “pink” and “purple” or something?)
So, when sex time is imminent and I must choose between Siri and Mona, it’s like picking Burger King or McDonald’s. They both satisfy the same need in roughly the same fashion, but there are reasons I might prefer one over the other — proximity, perhaps, or which sweet and sour sauce I’m craving, or whether I’m masturbating or having partnered sex. I’m more likely to use the classic and dependable Mona, but sometimes you’re just in the mood for onion rings, and that’s when I’d bust out Siri.
I swear, this is a high compliment.
But it’s not all sunshine and fast food. There are issues, like the Siri 2’s excessive price: $159. There are the reports of Siri 2s going berserk, and one strange instance of discolored buttons. There’s the fact that my first Siri 2 died after I tested it underwater, and my second wouldn’t hold a charge longer than a week. LELO have been champs about replacing them for me, and their toys come with 1-year warranties (and 10-year quality guarantees), but I still feel a little disenchanted.
Then… THEN… there’s the miserable music mode.
Like any red-blooded American, I like to listen to Taylor Swift very loudly all the time — whether I’m cleaning, driving, showering, or having a threesome. On one occasion, even that volume level was not enough to get the Siri 2 to vibrate to the music. It wasn’t until I blasted it to an uncomfortably loud level and held Siri close to my computer speakers that it responded. This was obviously incompatible with jacking off, so I grabbed my Oontz speaker, balanced it precariously on my keyboard tray, and played more Taylor off my iPod. I had to turn the volume all the way up — to the point of distortion — before Siri, which was literally inches away, would react.
It wasn’t always that bad. But even at its “best,” the music mode is glitchy and useless. There’s a pretty substantial delay between the music and Siri’s vibrations, enough of one that I question whether the toy is accurately reacting to the beat at all. When I turn off the music, sometimes the vibe stops, other times it keeps pulsing needlessly for several more seconds… so I can’t tell if it’s lagging behind on the music or if it thinks it hears shit in the silence or what the hell is going on.
In its music mode, Siri 2 seems to operate only in quick pulses, at its highest intensity, no matter which song you introduce (Siri’s reactions to Enya would make you think you were listening to “Last Friday Night“), and it doesn’t understand nuance — so any lull in the song will be registered as no vibration whatsoever. It’ll pulse to one measure of a song and then shut up for a subsequent, identical measure. When Joni Mitchell hits the high note “flyyyyy” in “River,” Siri doesn’t hold steady vibration — it pulses. When I sing or SCREAM into it, it fucking pulses. And I think we can all agree that when listening to “Scentless Apprentice” it shouldn’t ever stop vibrating, but it totally does. Whenever it feels like it.
LELO, listen: you are not OhMiBod. You did not pioneer vibrators that respond to music, that is not your life’s work, AND THAT’S OKAY. At least the OhMiBod Club Vibe responds immediately to sound, and the Freestyle G detects actual subtleties in the songs. I could never, ever achieve orgasm in Siri’s sporadic music mode, but with the Freestyle G I actually can, even with its subpar, buzzier vibrations.
Epiphora: i just got off w freestyle and porn Epiphora: i put music on too so it would vibrate more consistently Epiphora: however it did respond to fingers in pussy and that was awesome Epiphora: siri, which apparently was still on, pulsed a single time when someone moaned loudly. Kynan: siri: “did something happen? *bzzt*” Epiphora: what an idiot Kynan: my siri with music is like “uh do a thing? go? yes no? no? no. yes?” Kynan: it’s like a clueless person who is trying to get down with all the latest technological gadgetry but their phone dings a text message and they’re like “WHAT’S THAT NOISE?!” Epiphora: hahaha Kynan: that’s what my grandma yelled out once when we started playing music one christmas Kynan: poor grandma
The thing is, the Siri 2 does not need this gimmick. It’s a classic design, a relic from a simpler time when LELO released well-executed, effective toys. It can stand on its own vibrational merits, and it shouldn’t be squandered by a misguided attempt at innovation.
You can easily own the Siri 2 and forget its music mode even exists, and that is what I suggest you do. Siri is officially one of my favorite LELO toys, and far and away, it’s LELO’s best external-stimulation-only toy. Is it the clit vibe to end all clit vibes? Alas, still, not quite. It’s 75% there. But in the realm of palm-sized rechargeable vibrators, it’s closer than most of them have come.