dumb gimmicks

Review: Siri 2

Review: Siri 2

FINALLY. Fucking finally. I’ve been waiting years for LELO to upgrade their humble little clit vibe, Siri. While they were off dilly-dallying with weird oral sex simulators and pretentious cock rings, I was over here drumming my fingernails on my desk, condescendingly clicking my tongue, wondering if the almost-great Siri would ever get an upgrade. The sex toy landscape was different when I reviewed the original Siri back in 2010. Pickings were slim when it came to rechargeable clitoral vibrators, and I was less jaded. I liked the cute, egg-shaped Siri. It wasn’t terribly strong, but it was rumbly, and it was enough. “Is it the clit vibe to end all clit vibes?” I wrote. “Not quite — it would need to be waterproof . . . read more

Review: Afterglow

Review: Afterglow

I feel bad for celebrities. You’ll never hear me say that again. But they got the Afterglow in their goodie bags at the Oscars, and this is not what a good sex toy is. Not even close. Not even in the same hemisphere. (Tegan & Sara, if you’re reading this, I will personally buy each of you a Pure Wand to make up for this travesty.) It’s a gimmick: the Afterglow stimulates with vibration and light energy. That’s as simply as I can put it. If you want to thoroughly roll your eyes, here’s a video about the “science,” but the bottom line is, light energy. As in lasers. As in immeasurable. Therein lies the scam: this is nothing more than a mediocre, overpriced rabbit vibrator invented by a . . . read more

Review: Ceramix No. 4

Review: Ceramix No. 4

I wanted to feel the sensation of water sloshing in my vagina. Like the refreshing feeling of wading into the ocean. Like the satisfaction of tilting a Magic 8 Ball. The Ceramix No. 4 doesn’t feel like that, which is one reason you shouldn’t buy it. But it’s not the main one. The other reason is that it’s made by Pipedream. I hate this company and want to burn it to the ground. They have violently sexist and racist marketing, which they defend with statements about how men are basically pigs anyway. They write upsetting press releases and send repulsive emails. Their silicone dildos are stuffed with foam, their “metal” toys are nowhere near stainless steel, and they rip off shapes from njoy and Crystal Delights. The . . . read more

Review: Mona Wave

Review: Mona Wave

The LELO Mona Wave feels like being fingered by someone who is absent-mindedly planning out the toppings on the pizza they’re going to order after I finally fucking come. I know that isn’t what you want me to say. You want me to say that either the Mona Wave is like being fingered by the devil, or that it’s the sexual equivalent of getting inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. It is not, and my feelings are not that extreme. But the Mona Wave does make me fucking crazy most of the time. I don’t blame you, internet. I have conditioned you to care. I am so freakishly obsessed with my LELO Mona 2s (yes, I have three of them) that you needed to know . . . read more

Review: G-Vibe

Review: G-Vibe

There are some failtastic sex toys that I keep around simply so I can lug them out in the future and confirm my previous findings. But in the case of the disastrous Split Dildo, I gave it away long ago and never looked back. Until, apparently, the Fun Toys G-Vibe. Different company, same exact shape. I had to laugh when I read the “about us” page on Fun Toys’ website, which is the typical origin story of any ~revolutionary~ (not at all) sex toy. It follows the usual formula: Twee intro about huck-a-huck life, slathered with no understanding or knowledge of the sex (toy) industry aside from “I have sex sometimes” A sentence about how the creator gathered limitless expertise on the sex toy industry by… wait for . . . read more

Review: Magic Banana

Review: Magic Banana

Have you ever looked at a jump rope, bike lock, thighmaster, or lasso and thought, “oh hey, I bet that’d be good in my vagina”? Yeah, me either. And so, I was prepared to hate the Magic Banana, because: 1. Just look at it. 2. It’s called the Magic Banana. 3. Just look at it. 4. It came with a “note on empowerment.” 5. Just look at it. COMING SOON TO A VAGINA NEAR YOU! TOTAL AND COMPLETE EMPOWERMENT! THE REVOLUTION WOMEN HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR!1 THE REVOLUTION WILL BE VAGINIZED! FEMINISM OVER! Truth from a friend: “I feel like that’s not how empowerment works… people don’t mail it to you.” Shrink wrapped in a box patterned like a banana leaf, the Magic Banana is . . . read more

Review: Cupcake

Review: Cupcake

This sex toy is everything I hate. Cutesy. Twee. Pink. Girly. Symbolic. I want to chuck it into a river. So why am I reviewing it? Oh, I have my reasons. Listen to Tommy with a candle burning and they will become clear. I’ll just say this: treat sex toy reviewers like garbage, and we’ll retaliate with a fucking brick wall of links. Like, we will ruin your Google reputation. Not that the Cupcake needs any help. Its shitty icing and stupid cherry and buried vibrations speak for themselves. It comes in a metal tin with a tiny pin-up girl booklet. What? Isn’t that what you want with your vibrator? No? Why? AREN’T YOU A WOMAN? Sorry, this is actually the manual. Which alerts . . . read more

Review: Revel Body

Review: Revel Body

I’ve seen a ton of presumptuous sex toy marketing in my day, but I’d never seen a sex toy that so audaciously attempted to convince me of its superiority — until the Revel Body. As I unboxed it, I came upon an organza bag containing what appeared to be a cheap white slimline vibrator already loaded with batteries. A piece of cardboard explained: “compare Revel Body to the standard competitor model.” Oh. Oh really. It also came with a branded jump drive. I was hoping it would be like 1998 when I’d get a CD and put it in the computer to find sweet easter eggs. Sadly, it only contained photos, press releases, and a video in which dudes look . . . read more

Review: Wake-Up Vibe

Review: Wake-Up Vibe

The premise alone led me to the Wake-Up Vibe. And the premise drove me away. I only tried it a handful of times, months and months ago. Enough times to realize that I actually don’t like a bulbous machine accompanying me to bed, even if it promises to wake me up with vibrations. So for a long time, I tried to pretend this toy wasn’t on my “to review” list. I was perfectly successful at that until yesterday, when Lovehoney informed me that this toy is being discontinued on their site. So I dug it out of storage and plugged it in. The screen started spitting gibberish at me — blips and bloops where numbers should form. And that’s all it would . . . read more

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