The Lovehoney Flash (left) is a buzzy vibrator. The Doxy Don (right) is rumbly. Perusing the sex toy exhibitor booths at AVN, turning on and off strange vibrators from no-name companies, one word kept flittering into my mind: buzzy. Ugh, too buzzy. What a shame. The design is cool, but it’s so fucking buzzy. Nope. I even met an avid reader of my blog who works for an up-and-coming sex toy manufacturer. Their flagship vibrator intrigued me with its peculiar manta ray flaps and vibrant shade of turquoise silicone. But I turned it on and could not hide my disgust. “It needs a better motor,” I sighed. “Oh, I know,” she said. “I knew you’d hate it.” A sex toy could do literally everything else right — ergonomic shape, body-safe . . . read more

“IT’S SO GODDAMN CUTE,” I stammered upon opening the Lovehoney Sqweel Go. I actually cooed over it, like an idiot. I don’t normally care if sex toys are “cute,” but this toy reminded me of a hamster or hedgehog or something. It was actually smaller than I’d imagined, which pretty much never happens. There was another reason for my excitement as well. It appeared Lovehoney had taken my advice, FINALLY, after YEARS. I wrote about the first Sqweel in 2009: . . . to really excel as a clitoral stimulator, the Sqweel would need to shrink by 50%, have more power, and not sound like a kid’s mechanical toy. When little had been fixed in the second generation Sqweel 2 in 2012, I lamented that it never would be: Just like my Obama-hating . . . read more

Crowdfunding. Again. Always and forever. This time for wooden dildos, which, if you ask the creator, may just be the first wooden dildos ever! The company name is Dee Lee Doo, which I find really childish and upsetting for some reason. Oops, they didn’t reach their $10,000 goal. Tenga’s latest thing (are they going to have a new thing every month?) is the Iroha Mini which, as it turns out, isn’t any smaller than the Iroha vibes, nor is it similar at all. It’s battery-operated and has one speed. Joanna Angel’s incredible vulva has become a Fleshlight! Halleloo! The company that perpetrated the self-lubricating vibrator has unveiled a series of self-lubricating vibrators based on Twilight. According to the company, this series . . . read more

The year is 2013 AD. Yet, eyes closed and knowing nothing, I could swear that the Lovehoney Flash is a tiny gourd stuffed with bees from 54 BC. It really has all the buzzing “power” of a herd of bees. Apparently a group of bees is sometimes called a “grist.” A grist of bees. But that makes it sound more robust than it is. This vibrator is the furthest thing from robust. Sex toy reviewers often make the distinction between “buzzy” and “rumbly” vibrations. It’s something you learn with time, as your clitoris becomes grizzled and your tolerance for bullshit wanes. Rumbly vibrations are deep and penetrating, stimulating and glorious; buzzy vibrations will numb you and/or bore you to death. Buzzy vibrations can . . . read more

You might stumble across the Lovehoney Mini Magic Wand while shopping for the legendary Mystic Wand and think to yourself, “oh! It’s 30% cheaper than the Mystic Wand and virtually the same! Nailed it!” But you would not, in fact, have nailed it. The second time I went to try the Mini Magic Wand, I actually said out loud, “oh, I have to use that fucking piece of shit again.” Nobody was in the room. Just a cat snoozing on my desk. The Mini Magic Wand takes four AAs, the same type and number as the Mystic Wand, yet it uses them for evil. Loud and obnoxious and incredibly buzzy evil. Also, the batteries must be inserted into a stupid plastic contraption that . . . read more

[Check out my annual best/worst tag for older and newer lists!] Ahhh, yearly traditions! As 2012 comes to a close (how did that happen, though, seriously?!), the time has come for me to recount my most loved and most hated sex toys that I tried this year. As in 2011 and 2010, I’ll first list the best/worst toys, then give out faux awards such as “Most Heinous Battery Compartment” and “I Risked My Life For You; You Are Welcome.” Don’t forget to comment with which toys you loved and hated this year! Best sex toys of 2012 Crystal Delights Crystal Twist — I thought I’d felt it all, especially when it came to glass dildos. I had not. The Crystal Twist is an . . . read more

[There’s a newer and smaller Sqweel now! Read my review of the Sqweel Go.] Lovehoney didn’t have to talk me into reviewing the Sqweel 2. I’m not sure why. You’d think, after experiencing the vulva hog and noisemaker that was the original Sqweel, I’d be done with that flappity flap shit. But maybe enough time has passed that the previous wound healed? Or at least sufficiently scabbed over? This new-‘n’-improved Sqweel comes in a cardboard box and plastic clam shell combo which, of course, boasts it as “THE WORLD’S BEST-SELLING ORAL SEX TOY” (emphasis always theirs), and the back lists all the improvements. If they’d been entirely truthful in why this Sqweel is better than the old one, the packaging would’ve read: Tongues don’t stop quite . . . read more

Lovehoney sure likes to keep secrets from me. First it was the Sqweel, and now the ominously-named Rock Box, which I had to apply to review without knowing much beyond the fact that it was THE WORLD’S MOST POWERFUL SEX TOY!!!1!!1. Considering that phrase no longer means anything to me, undeterred and with a flourish, I wrote in the application box: I like to ROCK. And I have a lot of Aerosmith I could listen to whilst using the Rock Box. Apparently that was good enough, because Lovehoney sent me the Rock Box. Which is approximately ten times more ridiculous than I imagined it would be. The Hitachi is often called a power tool, but the Rock Box takes that shit to . . . read more

It’s been a long-ass time since my boyfriend was interested in a new toy for himself. But when he saw the Spider, he was giddy. This thing really is interesting: a masturbation sleeve with a suction cup that can be adjusted to any angle. I was intrigued, too, because the Spider serves a similar function as the Liberator mounts, but without being a huge-ass chunk of foam that takes up space in the closet. Plus, the sleeve can be removed and replaced with a Fleshlight sleeve. Can you say “deciding factor”? Made by a Korean company called Morriskim, the Spider (not the most sensual or appealing name, but it does describe the product, I guess) comes in a huge, white cardboard . . . read more