Before we give the middle finger to 2018, please come along with me on a romp through the year in my life and sex toys! It was a year of low-key shenanigans: I pulled off a viscous yet glittery April Fools’ prank, attended a few sex parties, started keeping a journal again, took a cute romantic trip, read a lot of smutty fan fiction, watched a ton of CockyBoys, and went to amateur porn film festival HUMP! twice — once with my mom. (She loved it.) I said goodbye to my sweet 17-year-old kitty and healed my soul with some much-needed Melissa Etheridge. Most importantly, I started therapy — a milestone that feels like it will be relevant for years to come. . . . read more

Once upon a time, sex toys were either pink, purple, or a hideous shade of beige I’ve heard described as “silly putty,” “bandaid,” or “uncooked hot dog.” It was an era of churning out questionable designs in stinky toxic materials, characterized by companies’ hyper fixation on catering to the only target market they could imagine: straight, white, young, non-disabled cis women. (And a stereotypical understanding of them, at that.) But now, decades later, any sex toy manufacturer who’s been paying attention has realized that’s a really narrow view of sex toy users. More social-justice-minded companies now market their toys based on what the products do rather than prescribing who they’re for, and the color palette has expanded considerably. So while the industry . . . read more

Yay, the Canadian cuties at Fuze have four new suction cup dildos: Flame, Major (uncut and girthy!), Freddie, and Star. They can attach to each other, too, to make a custom double-ended dildo. Jimmyjane’s new Tre looks like a bundle of alien fingers. Isn’t that what you want to put on your clit? (Hot tip: if you want to be even poorer, buy the version that comes with a UV sanitizing case!) Dicks that become erect at the push of a button? THE FUTURE IS NOW. Flickering tips, y’all! The Volta is Fun Factory’s latest, and I must tell you from first-hand clitoral experience: I quite like it! Although composed entirely of knock-offs, Cal Exotics’ “Packer Gear” line is worth . . . read more

The Lovehoney Flash (left) is a buzzy vibrator. The Doxy Don (right) is rumbly. Perusing the sex toy exhibitor booths at AVN, turning on and off strange vibrators from no-name companies, one word kept flittering into my mind: buzzy. Ugh, too buzzy. What a shame. The design is cool, but it’s so fucking buzzy. Nope. I even met an avid reader of my blog who works for an up-and-coming sex toy manufacturer. Their flagship vibrator intrigued me with its peculiar manta ray flaps and vibrant shade of turquoise silicone. But I turned it on and could not hide my disgust. “It needs a better motor,” I sighed. “Oh, I know,” she said. “I knew you’d hate it.” A sex toy could do literally everything else right — ergonomic shape, body-safe . . . read more

“IT’S SO GODDAMN CUTE,” I stammered upon opening the Lovehoney Sqweel Go. I actually cooed over it, like an idiot. I don’t normally care if sex toys are “cute,” but this toy reminded me of a hamster or hedgehog or something. It was actually smaller than I’d imagined, which pretty much never happens. There was another reason for my excitement as well. It appeared Lovehoney had taken my advice, FINALLY, after YEARS. I wrote about the first Sqweel in 2009: . . . to really excel as a clitoral stimulator, the Sqweel would need to shrink by 50%, have more power, and not sound like a kid’s mechanical toy. When little had been fixed in the second generation Sqweel 2 in 2012, I lamented that it never would be: Just like my Obama-hating . . . read more

Crowdfunding. Again. Always and forever. This time for wooden dildos, which, if you ask the creator, may just be the first wooden dildos ever! The company name is Dee Lee Doo, which I find really childish and upsetting for some reason. Oops, they didn’t reach their $10,000 goal. Tenga’s latest thing (are they going to have a new thing every month?) is the Iroha Mini which, as it turns out, isn’t any smaller than the Iroha vibes, nor is it similar at all. It’s battery-operated and has one speed. Joanna Angel’s incredible vulva has become a Fleshlight! Halleloo! The company that perpetrated the self-lubricating vibrator has unveiled a series of self-lubricating vibrators based on Twilight. According to the company, this series . . . read more

The year is 2013 AD. Yet, eyes closed and knowing nothing, I could swear that the Lovehoney Flash is a tiny gourd stuffed with bees from 54 BC. It really has all the buzzing “power” of a herd of bees. Apparently a group of bees is sometimes called a “grist.” A grist of bees. But that makes it sound more robust than it is. This vibrator is the furthest thing from robust. Sex toy reviewers often make the distinction between “buzzy” and “rumbly” vibrations. It’s something you learn with time, as your clitoris becomes grizzled and your tolerance for bullshit wanes. Rumbly vibrations are deep and penetrating, stimulating and glorious; buzzy vibrations will numb you and/or bore you to death. Buzzy vibrations can . . . read more

You might stumble across the Lovehoney Mini Magic Wand while shopping for the legendary Mystic Wand and think to yourself, “oh! It’s 30% cheaper than the Mystic Wand and virtually the same! Nailed it!” But you would not, in fact, have nailed it. The second time I went to try the Mini Magic Wand, I actually said out loud, “oh, I have to use that fucking piece of shit again.” Nobody was in the room. Just a cat snoozing on my desk. The Mini Magic Wand takes four AAs, the same type and number as the Mystic Wand, yet it uses them for evil. Loud and obnoxious and incredibly buzzy evil. Also, the batteries must be inserted into a stupid plastic contraption that . . . read more

[Check out my annual best/worst tag for older and newer lists!] Ahhh, yearly traditions! As 2012 comes to a close (how did that happen, though, seriously?!), the time has come for me to recount my most loved and most hated sex toys that I tried this year. As in 2011 and 2010, I’ll first list the best/worst toys, then give out faux awards such as “Most Heinous Battery Compartment” and “I Risked My Life For You; You Are Welcome.” Don’t forget to comment with which toys you loved and hated this year! Best sex toys of 2012 Crystal Delights Crystal Twist — I thought I’d felt it all, especially when it came to glass dildos. I had not. The Crystal Twist is an . . . read more