Review: Hold On To Me

Bedroom Kandi Hold On To Me kegel balls

I’ll admit I scoffed at Real Housewife of Atlanta Kandi Burruss’ new line of sex toys, Bedroom Kandi. Look, I’m not into so-called “girly” things… like make-up. I haven’t owned mascara since high school. I’ve never bought a tube of lipstick. However! I do own my fair share of vag balls. And Hold On To Me (kind-of a dumb name… no, really a dumb name) is a set of four vag balls that, surprisingly, are not shaped like some cosmetic item.

Bedroom Kandi toys are manufactured by OhMiBod, so my vag balls came in a cardboard box with both BK and OhMiBod on it. Inside was a more heavy-duty black box that opens up to reveal a bed of black satin upon which the four balls rest. Also included is a small satin drawstring pouch.

At 1.25″ in diameter each, these things are downright puny compared to my favorite vag balls, the LELO Luna Beads. I thought these balls, if they worked, would be a good recommendation for folks who think other vag balls are too big. But no — although the Hold On To Me balls are comfortable, they fail in every other respect.

Each ball, which is made of clear plastic with a pink inner ball, is brandished with a golden dot or dots to denote its weight. There is a .9-ounce ball, a 1.1-ounce ball, a 1.2-ounce ball, and a 1.4-ounce ball. There are two black holster choices — a single-ball holster and a double-ball holster — which may or may not be pure silicone.

More things that are wrong: the golden dots rub off really easily and the holsters are thin and near-impossible to wrangle the balls into. Theoretically, you can create any combo of ball weights that you desire… but you won’t want to, because the process of holstering them is so heinous — and the payoff is so non-existent.

Yes, the sad truth is that the Hold On To Me balls are absolutely no fun at all to wear. I cannot feel a thing once they are inserted. The outer balls are not big enough to feel when I clench, and the inner balls don’t have enough space to roll around in. Once, I almost took a nap before remembering they were inside of me.

This becomes a problem when you think about the purpose of vag balls in the first place. You are supposed to use them to keep your PC muscles in shape. To keep your PC muscles in shape, you must do kegels. To do kegels, you must clench your PC muscles. And guess what? In order to remember to clench your PC muscles, you have to periodically remember that there is something in your vagina.

None of this, though, is as bad as the retrieval cords. They are the thinnest, flimsiest cords I’ve ever seen on vag balls, and they’re stretchy as fuck. HOW IS A REALLY STRETCHY RETRIEVAL CORD USEFUL? Seriously, I don’t get how this happens. Repeatedly. I even pulled on the cord while the balls were in my vagina, stretching it to its limit, cringing. Then I grabbed the tape measure. ELEVEN INCHES. And of course, the balls don’t budge until I actually start pushing with my PC muscles, which begs the question: what happens to people who don’t have developed PC muscles? I guess they risk the rubber band effect even more.

Stupid-ass design flaws aside, how are you going to tone your PC muscles if you don’t even remember to clench around the toy? You’re not. The Luna Beads and even the similar and disturbingly cheap Tracey Cox Supersex Toner Balls are all more noticeable and more pleasurable, because they are bigger and the inner balls have more space in which to roll, tremble, and party.

Much respect, Kandi Burruss, for writing “No Scrubs” and “Bug a Boo,” but maybe instead of designing sex toys, you should’ve stuck to writing R&B classics.