Wipe the stars from your eyes. Dash your dreams. Give up all hope. It sounds perfect on paper: a beautiful marrying of motion and vibration. A self-thrusting shaft and a vibrating clitoral stimulator all in one sex toy, from the company that brought us the truly innovative and actually life-altering Stronic Eins. I was optimistic, believe me, just like you. But oh my god, the Fun Factory Bi Stronic Fusion is a deeply disappointing sex toy. Its insertable portion is flawless — that’s the hard truth — but its clitoral portion is absolutely unforgivable. Terrible aim, dismal vibrations. We have here an ingenious thing wrecked by an ill-fated modification, like dill pickle soup made with too much pickle juice, or Facebook now that your racist relatives are allowed to . . . read more

OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ Welcome to the sound you will long for once you hear the iGino. About one minute into using it, you will lose all sense of musical taste and long for something, anything, to cover up the sound. You’ll be overcome with the uncontrollable urge to find a beach and BURY THE FUCKER. The idea is, ostensibly, to be discreet — the thing charges via USB and comes with a cap to cover its moving nub — yet there is no travel lock, and if this went off in your bag I’m pretty sure it . . . read more

[Wondering what I think of the other toys, Zwei and Drei, in the Stronic line?] There’s been a lot of pomp and hype surrounding the Fun Factory Stronic line: an alleged 18 months of development, a YouTube trailer filled with innuendo and no actual facts, a video of people racing the toys across a table, and a side-eye-inducing claim that 87% of women prefer them over vibrators. Listen, bub, you’re not gonna usurp vibrators in one fell swoop. You’re just not. But if anyone should be screaming “revolutionary!!!”, you know, for once, Fun Factory has actually earned it. The Stronic Eins feels nothing like any sex toy I’ve ever touched or put in my vagina. Where vibrators have a rotational motor, the Stronic . . . read more

The Better Sex Synergy Pleasure System, made by the Sinclair Institute, is all about pomp and bravado. It has a stupidly long name, comes in a large box, and is endorsed by some random psychologist who doesn’t even have her own Wikipedia page. It comes with five attachments, a storage bag, a manual, and a message: Fully Charge 8 Hours Before Initial Use. Excuse me while I go vomit. And… charge it, I guess. I became interested in the Synergy after I fell in love with the Eroscillator. The Synergy resembles the Eroscillator, both in form (toothbrush) and in function (oscillating). Well, on paper it does. The reality is quite different. I’m cruel, yes, but guys — I’m already on . . . read more

When I began reviewing sex toys, my vagina was the biggest wimp. I was still a virgin, after all, and had only penetrated myself with a tiny toy skinnier than two of my fingers. Of course, I was promptly assigned an insertable toy to review. It was a rabbit, but the shaft really wasn’t very thick. Nonetheless, I found I could barely insert it without wincing in great pain. I couldn’t insert it far enough to even take advantage of the clit stimulator. I was so embarrassed. I have made a ton of progress with my vagina since then. Losing my virginity probably helped, although I moreso credit toy usage and diligence. With time, I experimented with different shapes and . . . read more

I’m going to say it: the Hitachi Magic Wand and I are not very close.1 I completely understand the appeal, and I know why people love that thing. But it’s not very often I crave that much vibration, and when I do, I’m too busy in the throes of pleasure to get up, find an outlet, and plug my Hitachi in. Plus, I hate holding it, and using it makes me feel like a grandma. Enter the Acuvibe Mini, a semi-cute vibrator that is reminiscent of the Hitachi, but, to my great delight, trumps it in several respects. First of all, the Acuvibe Mini is more attractive. It still looks a bit medicinal, but it’s better than the Hitachi. Secondly, . . . read more

I am ever on the lookout for any toy that resembles the love of my life, the Xtreme Pack G-spot Bullet. There aren’t a lot out there, which is why I latched onto the Goddess Platinum Massager. It has a very similar shape and size — smallish, with a G-spotting tip. It’s also made by California Exotic. However, it does not have a battery pack, because it’s rechargeable. I’ll admit, I was enticed by the rechargeable aspect of this one. I get a little tired of locking batteries into my battery packs and jiggling them out after use. Imagine my dismay when I actually read the box for the Goddess Platinum Rechargeable Massager: “Charge for 8 hours for up to . . . read more