OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ Welcome to the sound you will long for once you hear the iGino. About one minute into using it, you will lose all sense of musical taste and long for something, anything, to cover up the sound. You’ll be overcome with the uncontrollable urge to find a beach and BURY THE FUCKER. The idea is, ostensibly, to be discreet — the thing charges via USB and comes with a cap to cover its moving nub — yet there is no travel lock, and if this went off in your bag I’m pretty sure it . . . read more

The year is 2013 AD. Yet, eyes closed and knowing nothing, I could swear that the Lovehoney Flash is a tiny gourd stuffed with bees from 54 BC. It really has all the buzzing “power” of a herd of bees. Apparently a group of bees is sometimes called a “grist.” A grist of bees. But that makes it sound more robust than it is. This vibrator is the furthest thing from robust. Sex toy reviewers often make the distinction between “buzzy” and “rumbly” vibrations. It’s something you learn with time, as your clitoris becomes grizzled and your tolerance for bullshit wanes. Rumbly vibrations are deep and penetrating, stimulating and glorious; buzzy vibrations will numb you and/or bore you to death. Buzzy vibrations can . . . read more

The LELO Mia and I go way back. Almost to the beginning of this blog. A lot of things have changed since then — for instance, I am now a hardcore Google Chrome fan, and the clunky Compaq laptop pictured in my original Mia review has been replaced by a sleek white Sony Vaio ((That’s right, bitches, I’m a PC person. Extol me with the virtues of Macs and I’ll chop your head off.)). With the times, Mia has evolved as well. But “second generation” is a confusing thing to say, since technically Mia is in its third generation. I tried the original back in 2008, then another version in early 2011, when the toy was updated with a new (and quite pleasing) . . . read more

I can now say that I own a vibrator engraved with my name. Or, I should say, engraved with the epic sequence of words Exclusively for Epiphora. I didn’t choose that phrase — my brain is nowhere near that swanky — but I like it. And they spelled my name right, which is more than I can say for people who still think I’m “Euphoria.” Unfortunately, I now worry about what this vibrator, exclusively for me and permanently marked to prove it, would do if I tried to give it away. Stage its own personal electromagnetic pulse in revolt? Commit suicide by jumping out the window and into the street? I have to think about these things, because I do not see myself . . . read more

The Lady Calston Y-Bullet is a HIGH-TECH device. It plugs into your USB PORT. It runs off PURE USB ADRENALINE. Its plastic box reads, Make Your Next MSN Web Cam Chat… A Y-Bullet Sexperience. When I plug the Y-Bullet into my desktop computer, both my monitors go black and fall into a deep sleep, not to be woken again until I turn the computer off and back on. This horrifying phenomenon doesn’t take place on my laptop or my boyfriend’s computer, but the fact that it is a possibility should be enough to deter you. If not, here’s the rest: it has one speed. Two if you’re really touchy with it. It’s powerful enough, I guess, but the speed is incredibly . . . read more

[Update: LELO has updated the Mia since this review. Read my review of the Mia 2.] LELO is a sex toy company that listens to people. When consumers loved their uniquely-shaped Gigi, they invented a dildo version named Ella (which, by the way, changed my life). With the success of their rechargeable cock ring, Bo, they came out with an updated version called Tor. And now, the adorable USB-rechargeable Mia has been overhauled — and, I must say, greatly improved. I was forgiving to the original Mia. I blamed my clit for not responding enough to Mia’s vibrations. Hey, it was 2008 and I hadn’t quite perfected my snarky attitude (and high standards) yet. The truth was, Mia was just not strong enough. . . . read more

There are a lot of vibrators in the world, but few that charge via USB. That’s why I wanted the Xtassie Cocomini. Okay, that and it comes in freaking TURQUOISE. Who can argue with turquoise? Well, it turns out even turquoise and a USB port can’t save a mediocre vibrator. The Cocomini is packaged in a cute purse-shaped green and black box. It comes with a flimsy white drawstring pouch that is not only fairly transparent, but does not stay closed at all (the moment I let go of the strings, the neck of the pouch relaxes completely). It also comes with a manual in 500 languages and a 4.5″ A/Mini-B USB cable. The tiny Mini-B side of the cable . . . read more

[Update: LELO has updated the Mia twice since this review. Read my review of the 1.5 version and the Mia 2.] Here is who I am: I got very excited when I received a 2GB jumpdrive as a gift. I anxiously await every new version of Firefox. I install a bazillion extensions and scripts to customize it. I have a dual monitor set-up. Oh, and I’m on the computer 24/7. So how could I resist Mia? Not only is this vibe adorable as hell (and I’m not a fan of pink, but this is a beautiful dark fuchsia color and I like it quite a bit), it charges via USB. I’d heard rumors that it wasn’t mind-bendingly powerful, but it didn’t . . . read more