Dec 212011

When asking me to review the iVibe Massager iPhone app, the developer freely admitted to me — and I quote —

I already know its pretty weak. I mean its a phone not a Hitachi or a Lelo. Apple didnt design the vibrate feature to get people off. With that said, I added pretty graphics and a well designed user interface.

Bro, “pretty weak” doesn’t begin to describe it.

If someone put a gun to my head and told me I had to get off with this or die, my brains would be blown out.

If I were on a mysterious island with a smoke monster barreling at me and the only way to save my ass was to have an orgasm, I’d be dead meat.

If I were playing a game with Jigsaw and had to release a bunch of endorphins in order to survive, I’d definitely be dumped into a pit of syringes.

This app is the poorest excuse for a thing that is supposed to get me off… ever. It is weaker than every vibrator I’ve ever tried. The best part about that sentence is that I didn’t have to dig a single toy out of storage to be sure. I just know.

The developer’s right — the interface is pleasant with its pink and purple (because chicks go nutso for pink and purple, right?!) ripples. The free version of the app includes the steady vibration and brightness settings only. The 99-cent full version includes password protection, and “random” mode and pulsation patterns, so you can reduce your already non-existent chances of having an orgasm by 50%.

There’s also a locking function so you can get your hopes up even higher for an orgasm, only to  have them obliterated the moment you put the phone against your genitals.

Yes, let’s discuss the logistical issue of putting a phone between your labia. The potential for juices. The potential for pubes. The potential for getting juices in the dock port, then how the fuck are you gonna clean that? The potential for someone important to call you in the middle of your… special moment1… and your having to answer it despite the pubes and juices.

Seemingly knowing that this app will not get anyone off, the app store description is a bit vague and refers to putting the phone under your pillow to “let iVibe gently soothe you to sleep.” I wondered if this might be one tiny redeeming factor, so I tried it. NO. OH MY GOD. MECHANICAL BUZZING SOUND. Not at all like pleasant white noise. Could tolerate for about 10 seconds.

I mean, I’m just gonna say it: if you’re thinking of using your phone as a vibrator… rethink your life choices. Come to your senses, read up on sex toys, and get something good. Please, my god, I beg you. This app is, in fact, hazardous, since it will make you throw your phone across the room in disgust. Take your 99 cents and go to Taco Bell or something. It will bring you far more pleasure than this thing ever will.

  1. THAT’S an overstatement. []
  • DawnDebauchery

    And if you have herpes, refrain from using this app. You don’t want the risk of vaginal to oral spreading of them.

    Eww. Phone STDs. Gross.

  • You already know how I feel about this thing. Horrible, awful… and I’m SO GLAD you reviewed it! I love that you worked in Lost, Saw, Taco Bell and Sassy Gay Friend. EPIC.

    Also, claiming Android immunity. Ha.

  • Can you imagine all the germs that could be on your smartphone AND THEN putting it on your vagina? Gross!

  • Prototypical

    Sometimes I want an iPhone… and then I realize that apps like this and Siri exist and I’m even more grateful for my relatively cheap Virgin Mobile phone and plan.

  • WildOrchid

    When people ask me why I wrote a whole website about female masturbation (in Polish, so no link) I tell them: “to save poor adolescent girls from using their cell phones as sex toys”. It’s very close to the truth.
    Thanks for making me laugh, BTW.

  • You are my sex toy reviewing hero!!

  • Navigator

    Oh my god. I just got a new iphone and I already know the vibration on it is weaker than my last phone. And my last phone was so weak I couldn’t feel it when it was stuck in my jeans pocket. Who the hell thought this up, and why did they ever think it would work?

    Also, you know I’m messed up enough to want one to try out.

  • Caroline

    Reviews like this are what I look forward to most after work. Thank you SO much for the laughs!

  • LucyLemonade

    This post is full of lol. Personally I really just don’t like smelling my own crotch a centimeter away from my face while calling my parents on the holidays.

  • Seriously…the funniest thing i have read all night… you are at your snarky best and i’m thrilled that i don’t have an iphone, a vibe app that sucks, and sex juice blocking my terminals.

    You are a freakin’ riot! (those peeps must tremble when you review their products!! and rightly so!)

    Thank you for laying it out honestly…


  • How nerdy that my main concern is the battery draining..

  • Sbmsvschoolgirl

    I FOUND ANOTHER ONE O_o It claims to be for massaging sore muscle and has different settings for different parts of the body…

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  • Oddkin

    “If someone put a gun to my head and told me I had to get off with this or die, my brains would be blown out.”


    Yeah, best to invest that 99 cents in one-hundreth of your next Lelo Mona 2 or something.

  • Whitney M

    Out of curiosity I downloaded the free version. It seems arbitrary to complain about the fact that it wouldn’t actually turn on until I had slapped my finger against the screen 12 times. The flashing lights and vibrating sensation in my hand was terrifying to behold, as though my phone was meekly crying in pain, and then suddenly silenced as the app crashed shortly after installation. Thus concludes my experiment.

  • Tmcaurinus

    Hahahaha! Could be a fun tease over one’s underwear. And hey, some younger folks can’t buy an actual sex toy. On the other hand, I’m sure those people can find better household items to use, such as electric toothbrushes, vibrating razors, and face-cleanser-thingies.

  • Tmcaurinus

    (I admit, I have used all of those things. Not at the same time.)

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