Dec 212011

When asking me to review the iVibe Massager iPhone app, the developer freely admitted to me — and I quote —

I already know its pretty weak. I mean its a phone not a Hitachi or a Lelo. Apple didnt design the vibrate feature to get people off. With that said, I added pretty graphics and a well designed user interface.

Bro, “pretty weak” doesn’t begin to describe it.

If someone put a gun to my head and told me I had to get off with this or die, my brains would be blown out.

If I were on a mysterious island with a smoke monster barreling at me and the only way to save my ass was to have an orgasm, I’d be dead meat.

If I were playing a game with Jigsaw and had to release a bunch of endorphins in order to survive, I’d definitely be dumped into a pit of syringes.

This app is the poorest excuse for a thing that is supposed to get me off… ever. It is weaker than every vibrator I’ve ever tried. The best part about that sentence is that I didn’t have to dig a single toy out of storage to be sure. I just know.

The developer’s right — the interface is pleasant with its pink and purple (because chicks go nutso for pink and purple, right?!) ripples. The free version of the app includes the steady vibration and brightness settings only. The 99-cent full version includes password protection, and “random” mode and pulsation patterns, so you can reduce your already non-existent chances of having an orgasm by 50%.

There’s also a locking function so you can get your hopes up even higher for an orgasm, only to  have them obliterated the moment you put the phone against your genitals.

Yes, let’s discuss the logistical issue of putting a phone between your labia. The potential for juices. The potential for pubes. The potential for getting juices in the dock port, then how the fuck are you gonna clean that? The potential for someone important to call you in the middle of your… special moment1… and your having to answer it despite the pubes and juices.

Seemingly knowing that this app will not get anyone off, the app store description is a bit vague and refers to putting the phone under your pillow to “let iVibe gently soothe you to sleep.” I wondered if this might be one tiny redeeming factor, so I tried it. NO. OH MY GOD. MECHANICAL BUZZING SOUND. Not at all like pleasant white noise. Could tolerate for about 10 seconds.

I mean, I’m just gonna say it: if you’re thinking of using your phone as a vibrator… rethink your life choices. Come to your senses, read up on sex toys, and get something good. Please, my god, I beg you. This app is, in fact, hazardous, since it will make you throw your phone across the room in disgust. Take your 99 cents and go to Taco Bell or something. It will bring you far more pleasure than this thing ever will.

  1. THAT’S an overstatement. []
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