Mar 102019
 
Wobbling Willy dildo with custom, personalized bobblehead

Why wouldn’t you want this smug bastard smiling at you while you masturbate? He looks like the kind of guy who works in sales. Or no, tech. But he’s a team-building captain or some bullshit, so he thinks he’s above everyone else — they’re all nerdy losers. Used to wear baseball hats religiously, but ditched them in his thirties in favor of hair gel. Wears his suit jacket from work to the party, where he gets riled up about separating the art from the artist and gesticulates so hard he nearly spills his craft beer. His laugh is the kind that pierces the air suddenly, startling everyone in the room. He refers to sex as “getting tail.” Unironically.

Oh wait, sorry, was I talking about a dildo?

Wobbling Willy is a novelty product and a fully functional dildo with a twist, made of body-safe silicone. A perfect gift. The only selfie you will ever need. Mr Right. A stand-in. Your dream boy.

I’m not gonna strain to make sense of it, because we all know it was designed not to make sense. The dildo has a butt. And feet. And huge hands, I guess so he can hold onto the ENORMOUS DICK that’s growing out of his torso? Is this the natural progression of our old friend the Battery-Operated Boyfriend? Has he grown into a… manchild?

Most arousingly of all, the dildo has a human face. A custom, hyper-realistic, hand-sculpted bobblehead that will no doubt end up nodding at you condescendingly mid-thrust. Customers are asked to first upload photos of various angles of somebody’s head, selecting hair color, eye color, and skin color (from a problematic selection of options such as “Chinese Skin 1” and “General 2”), and the company then brings it to life, apparently checking in to get your approval throughout the process.

Wow, the possibilities are endl—

Can I make a Wobbling Willy of a famous person?
Generally we cannot make a Wobbling Willy of any person who profits from their own image, including but not limited to professional athletes, musicians and actors.

GODDAMNIT. How dare you keep me from being the creepiest Tegan & Sara fan ever?

(Okay, actually, thank you.)

I briefly contemplated ordering one with my own face on it, just to reach that special level of narcissism, but 1) it’s $125 and I’m too stingy, and 2) do I really want to look myself in the eyes while I jack off? Uh, no. Please let me go about my business like I usually do, forgetting I even have a face.

Besides, I was mostly just curious about what would happen if I tried to submit a “female” head. But then I learned that Dutch sex blogger Tess did precisely that with her own likeness, and I sprinted like a cheetah to watch her video of the unboxing. Like me, she has curly hair and glasses, so this is a glimpse into what a Wobbling Piph would sort of look like. Honestly, it’s better than I expected.

But the idea of having my boyfriend’s noggin on a dildo, grinning at me like that, and the notion that I would want such a thing… it all feels like a fucking zero on the Kinsey scale to me. So heterosexual I can barely comprehend it.

At least there is one good thing about the Wobbling Willy, in comparison to actual boyfriends:

Is the head removable?
Yes, if you get tired of your “boyfriend” or for any other reason, you can order a new separate head and easily change it.

Would you get a Wobbling Willy? With whose face?
How horrified would you be if a dude bought one for you as a gift?

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