Feeldoe More, Realdoe Stout, ShareVibe, Tango. I’ve never thought strapless strap-on dildos were the second coming of Christ. Let’s start there. I have my Joque harness, I have well-loved strap-on dildos, and I am comfortable combining those things and fucking someone silly. I’ve never felt like strap-on sex wasn’t “intimate” enough, or like I needed extra genital stimulation in order to enjoy it. For me, the pleasure comes from wielding a cock, achieving ideal positioning and thrusting, and watching myself plunge into the depths of an orifice. (I love labia, all labia, labia forever — so I will take literally any chance to ogle them.) Strapless strap-on dildos attempt to eliminate the harness aspect altogether. These double-ended toys have a bulb . . . read more

I squirt every time I use the New York Toy Collective Carter. Movement or not. No matter the external vibe. Whatever my mood. If clitoral stimulation makes me come while the Carter is inside me, I gush. I’ll be just hanging out, about to have a completely ordinary orgasm or so it seems, when I feel the pressure building, urging me to slide the dildo out. Sure enough: an expulsion of fluid follows. It hardly ever feels like I’ve earned it, yet it happens, consistently as the sun rising and setting each day. Sneak-attack squirting. And oh, with movement? With actual thrusting? Then I’m ejaculating even more, soaking through the towel on my desk chair. Carter is a meaty dude. . . . read more

This is the stuff dreams are made of — my dreams at least. This, friends, is my majestic sex toy closet. The culmination of years of collecting, organizing, and fantasizing. It is here where I store my gigantic sex toy collection, which is rapidly nearing 600. How did I get here? Well, shockingly, one does not amass enough sex toys to fill a walk-in closet overnight. In fact, nine years ago, my sex toy collection lived in a single cardboard box under my desk. As I began reviewing more, the toys graduated to a purple zippered storage case, and later to a herd of similar cases. This was an adequate but ineffective long-term system, so when I needed more space, I . . . read more

Get free U.S. shipping at Hole Punch Toys with code EPIPHORA. There’s a little operation in Saint Paul, Minnesota, making the world a better place. Quietly, without fanfare, they’re making hand-poured silicone sex toys in fantastical shapes. Carrot and radish butt plugs. Popsicle dildos. Ice cream anal toys. Rocket ship strap-ons. And I didn’t even know they existed back when I got an email from them with the subject line Do Your Worst. Well. The owner of Hole Punch Toys, Colin, was emailing to ask that I review something of theirs. “You will absolutely tear it apart, I am sure,” he wrote. “However, I think it would be excellent fodder for your wit.” His certainty was alarming. How could I hate an ice cream shaped butt plug or a . . . read more

[This post is an April Fool’s Day joke. However, because I am very dedicated to my jokes, I actually did do all these things.] Perhaps “tiny” is condescending. “Diminutive”? “Miniature”? “Wee”? I don’t want to be flippant or rude, but it’s an objective fact that these dildos are roughly 1/60th the size of their, shall I say, phallotypical counterparts. This is not going to be girth mania. Lowing your expectations for pleasure might be a good idea. Rewiring your brain, wiping all data about previously-experienced insertables: encouraged. Over the years I’ve amassed quite the collection of tiny silicone dildos from Tantus, Bad Dragon, Fun Factory, and Vamp. They accumulate in my purse, come home in my suitcase from conferences, and materialize in crevasses of my life. One time I found one, inexplicably, in . . . read more

These are dildos. Due to the graphic nature of this blog I would normally not need to specify that, but this could more easily pass as a basket of artificial fruits and vegetables. The sex toy world has given us glass versions of produce before — chili peppers, eggplants, corn, bananas — but a huge selection of body-safe silicone ones? Not until now! THERE’S A FUCKING ASPARAGUS, YOU GUYS. I found out about this company on a HOT TIP from a reader, who wrote: I’m in Europe right now and I discovered a lovely indie shop in Berlin that carries this brand of dildos: SelfDelve. They’re handmade here in Germany. The silicone is really nice, a bit soft. I got a very realistic (though unripe looking) curved banana. The . . . read more

Special deal! Get 10% off and free shipping at Downunder Toys with code EPIPHORA. Contrary to popular belief, I can be sweet-talked. Start by sending me a nice, gracious email. Acknowledge the work I do in the world (“your honest approach to this field makes my heart sing,” “I’m still laughing over your LELO Hula Beads review”). Introduce yourself without condescending to me (hint: if you’re a sex toy company, I probably already know that you exist). Then… the cherry on top… the pièce de résistance… drop a sentence like this: I really think I’d like to challenge your love of VixSkin — I know, a bold claim, but hey, if you don’t set a challenge, where’s the fun in life? So, full disclosure: I . . . read more

Oh, Fun Factory. You poor things. Do you not realize what the word “bouncer” insinuates here in America? That’s the guy who slices up fake IDs in vodka commercials. The guy who tells you your slacks are not appropriate for the sex club. The guy whose existence you begrudgingly accept because he might protect you from peril at some point, but who is mostly just macho and huge and ridiculous. It’s true that the Bouncer needs a technical name, though, since simply meandering across its shape would not grab your attention. You’d never know without reading a description or holding this dildo in your hands that each ripple contains a free-moving ball, ready to roll around when the toy is jostled. Yeah — kegel ball style. . . . read more

These glass dildos from Joyful Pleasure presented me with a few obstacles. See, I have this thing with insertable objects where I feel frustrated if I can’t conquer them. Whether it’s sheer size, extreme heft, repetitive bloops, every imaginable electrostim setting, or simply a bulge just out of reach, I feel the uncontrollable urge to experience all that a toy has to offer. Combine this with the fact that I’m a texture slut, and you have a recipe for vaginal disaster. When presented with the opportunity to review dildos from Joyful Pleasure, I of course ignored anything smooth and went straight for dildos with bumps, swirls, bloops, and, unbeknownst to me, challenging lengths. A large part of my reason for trying these dildos was price: they’re all under $45. If your . . . read more