Cum On My Tattoo has the base formula for what I find hot: sexy alternative girls with tattoos and real bodies. This, at least, is more than mainstream porn usually offers me. But the hotness of the girls isn’t all that matters in porn…
To begin with, the DVD case is astoundingly attractive. On the cover, Joanna Angel and Kylee Kross pose amidst a sea of tattoo drawings. The back is the usual collage of hardcore photos and laughable guarantees such as “cream filled tattoos!” However, the tattoo images and tasteful curly font continue onto the back, giving the art cohesion. The inside of the case is a mosaic of photographs of the girls’ tattoos, and the DVD itself looks stunning with the awesome logo printed on it. Cum On My Tattoo‘s art is clearly well thought-out, a rarity when it comes to porn.
But this aesthetic beauty does not translate to the actual video. Though the menu on the DVD is as sweet as the cover, the video quality is extremely disappointing. The lighting in every scene is dark, dull, and desaturated — for me, this automatically takes the sexiness down many notches. I turned my monitor’s brightness up completely, but it didn’t solve anything.
On the flip side, I appreciate the group of hooligans Joanna Angel has wrangled up here. I have a crush on every girl in the video, and none of the guys are a turn-off (physically). There are a total of five scenes: Pixie Pearl and Tommy Pistol, Joanna Angel and Mr. Marcus, Pinky Lee and Tommy Pistol, Kylee Kross and James Deen, and the “grand” finale: Joanna Angel, Kylee Kross, and Rob Rotten. Backdrops include a couch with fluffy pillows, a boring bedroom, a fuzzy off-white chair, and a music room filled with keyboards and amps. Each scene begins with some rock music and a lot of panning over the girl’s body/tattoos; then the music fades out, and the only sounds are made by the performers.
But the buzzkill, here, is the blowjobs. Every single blowjob consists of excessive gagging, coupled with an overabundance of saliva and the guy almost always groaning “get it all the way in” or something equally obnoxious. I’m not a stickler about hair-pulling, choking, or other rough play in porn, as long as the performers seem into it — but it doesn’t turn me on. In fact, I had to really restrain myself from fast-forwarding through the blowjobs because they successfully killed my horniness every time.
At least the fucking is hot. Positions almost always consist of doggy and reverse cowgirl, among other miscellaneous positions. There is one quite ridiculous acrobatic position between Pinky Lee and Tommy Pistol. But too often, the sex is interrupted by blowjobs and punctuated by rough gestures such as spitting on each other and hooking fingers in the other person’s mouth. Each scene ends with the girl begging, “cum on my tattoo!” and the guy ejaculating — on an arm, a back, a neck, a chest. This makes for a refreshing absence of semen on the face.
Female orgasms, if they do exist, are downplayed or ignored.
And finally, the bonus features on the DVD aren’t very exciting: a three-minute photo gallery, six minutes of Kylee Kross getting a Burning Angel tattoo on her left shin (and the obligatory question, “how long do I have to wait before I can get cum on my tattoo?”), and less than two minutes of a behind-the-scenes blooper reel.
I am simply not very impressed by Cum On My Tattoo. I’m most bothered by the bad lighting and the blowjobs. If you like rough blowjobs, though, you might be in luck.