Kurt Lockwood

Jack-off Journal #7

Jack-off Journal #7

April 6th, 2010 Wow, most frustrating masturbation session in a long time. I watched, but not really, Fashionistas, which wasn’t doing it for me at all (o hai, latex). I tried out the Form 6, but got irritated with the buttons being on the shaft, which is fully insertable. The straw that broke the camel’s back was trying to get off clitorally with the Form 2, which was behaving very, very badly, sputtering and whining and failing miserably. I eventually got to “fuckin’ thing SUCKS!” territory — which, as evidenced by Bill O’Reilly, is never a good place to be: After throwing my pen down and cursing a lot, I used the Fairy Mini Mini to get off. April 10th, . . . read more

Review: Star 69: Threesomes

Review: Star 69: Threesomes

Genre: Edited-down threesomes Director: Varies by scene Length: 3 hours and 43 minutes on each disc, 7 hours and 26 minutes altogether Cast: See below. Ctrl + F might be useful, here. Overview: I thought they were kidding about the 69 scenes thing. They weren’t. Each scene is an extremely abbreviated version of a scene from some other Vivid production. On average, the scenes last 6.4 minutes each. As you might imagine, foreplay is minimal and pop shots are religiously included. Special Features: Previews and a commercial for Vivid products. The inside of the case mentions “Bonus Scenes,” but I can’t find any. Thankfully. Audio/Video Quality: Obviously, video quality varies greatly, from very ’90s-looking scenes to well-lit, modern-looking scenes. Both 4:3 . . . read more

Politics 'n' pornstars

Politics ‘n’ pornstars

I’m normally not big on politics, but this election year has been very exciting to follow. The debates, especially, have been great events to watch and eat pizza during. Today, however, I came across something I never wanted to know existed: a Barack Obama dildo. There are just so many things wrong with it… first of all, it’s a horrendous “golden” color. It’s 2 inches in diameter (my vagina hurts just thinking about it). And, oh yeah, it looks nothing like Barack Obama. Do they actually think people will be attracted to this thing? The real Barack Obama is far more attractive. Rest assured, however, that it is phthalate free! I’ve also been wondering how sales have been going for . . . read more

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