Me, masturbating: uh, don’t mind me, I’m just over here jamming this ugly-ass hairbrush-lookin’ thing against my vulva in a feeble attempt to orgasm. And I’m failing, friends. I’m failing and I’m angry. Me, writing: my fingers tingle with impending rage as I hover over the keyboard. I’m looking for a word. Like “disappointing” only meaner. Like “frustrating” but 100 times worse. Abhorrent? Heinous? Exasperating? Disgraceful? Language can’t fail me now, not when so much is at stake. Not when there’s still a possibility that some human on earth might buy the Queen Bee. The Queen Bee is the first vulva-specific vibrator made by Hot Octopuss, a company known for trying to make the word “Guybrator” happen penis toys such as the Pulse. Their products . . . read more

When you’re a sex toy reviewer, certain toys can feel like a blessing from above. Mediocre masturbation sessions are par for the course with this job, and even toys that aren’t exceptionally terrible can start to feel insulting and exhausting after a while. If you’re lucky, there’s one toy in your to-review queue that you actually enjoy using. One that is effortlessly satisfying, enough to get you out of your head a little, remind you that sometimes this gig ain’t so bad. There should be a name for toys like this… hmm, “savior toys”? The Zumio X is my savior toy of the last few months. Sometimes, it was the reason I kept masturbating when I wanted to stop. I’d . . . read more

What is life if not a series of attempts at proving arrogant men wrong? I never wanted to have to review My Celebrator. I’ve known about this vibrator for years; people like to excitedly email me and alert me to its existence, flailing about its supposed oscillation and “low” price of $40. It has happened often enough for me to become sufficiently jaded about it. So, last year, while sitting in Joan Price’s senior sex workshop at Woodhull, I was sadly unsurprised when a male member of the audience piped up to mention My Celebrator… as an alternative to Joan’s (and my, and a lot of peoples’) beloved Eroscillator. Because… you know… dudes know these things. There were at least six sex . . . read more

For years, literally, ever since I dubbed the Eroscillator “the best sex toy I’ve ever tried,” people have been asking me whether it’s worth the extra cash to get the Top Deluxe version of the toy. I’ve always had to say “I don’t know; mine is the more powerful one and I’ve never tried the regular version,” which pained me because I hate not having an answer to anything sex toy-related. I’m cool with feeling like a failure in some respects (I can’t do a crossword to save my life), but not that one. So finally, my online amiga of many years, Britni, agreed to loan me her Eroscillator 2 Plus for comparison purposes. This is a true friend. And now . . . read more

[This is the second installment of Postcards from the Peanut Gallery! This feature chronicles my readers’ experiences with toys I reviewed. If you want to tell me about yours, contact me.] I’m not surprised that my insanely extensive and enthusiastic review of the Eroscillator resulted in several of my readers lusting after it. Sarahbear took the plunge and actually bought it; here’s what happened! My husband and I read your review for the Eroscillator together. More than once you had almost convinced me to get the biggest package they offer but I couldn’t resist a coupon for the 2 Plus. It arrived the next day and I ripped open the packaging and shooed the kids out of the room. It . . . read more

The Better Sex Synergy Pleasure System, made by the Sinclair Institute, is all about pomp and bravado. It has a stupidly long name, comes in a large box, and is endorsed by some random psychologist who doesn’t even have her own Wikipedia page. It comes with five attachments, a storage bag, a manual, and a message: Fully Charge 8 Hours Before Initial Use. Excuse me while I go vomit. And… charge it, I guess. I became interested in the Synergy after I fell in love with the Eroscillator. The Synergy resembles the Eroscillator, both in form (toothbrush) and in function (oscillating). Well, on paper it does. The reality is quite different. I’m cruel, yes, but guys — I’m already on . . . read more

You know those butt-ugly animals, like hairless cats and shivery Chinese Cresteds, that instinctively disgust you — until you fall in love with one, and then you want to bitch out anyone who dares judge your snookum-wookum on its external appearance? That’s how I’ve become, very quickly, with the Eroscillator. It is my darling, my little copper-colored sweet. And you can have it from me when you pry it from my cold, dead hands. Because this is the best sex toy I’ve ever tried. Full stop, end of discussion. True to its name, the Eroscillator oscillates rather than producing regular up and down vibrations. That may not sound amazing to you, and I understand. I used to wonder what oscillating . . . read more