Day by day, second by second, time is destroying your vulva. Your labia are deflating like a sad soufflé. Your vagina is drying up. The color is draining from your genital region. Your husband is weeping. Your dinner is burning. Your life is a farce. Enter the Lowe Aurora, a sex toy providing “low-level laser treatment” for your genitals. For your “health.” Of course. More like a massive laser pointer created solely to make you feel bad about your vulva. It’s like someone thought to themselves, how can we combine crushing beauty standards and sex toys? The female genitals are subject to the passage of time like the rest of the body. The labia loses its turgidity due to reduced elasticity and the colour . . . read more
I interrupt your regularly-scheduled happiness to bring you perhaps the most innocuously-named stuff of nightmares ever to exist. It is called the Masturbating Glove. My friend Lorax of Sex, who routinely shows me terrifying sex products, sent it to me while I was at work. Which was probably a good thing, as I did not get the chance to follow the link until I was in the safety of my own home. I love how hard Nasstoys tries to sell this fingerless monstrosity — they can’t even be arsed to write full sentences. I did learn, however, that it is waterproof. Major relief! The Masturbating Glove — which makes the previously-featured Love Mitts look romantic as fuck — also comes in pink, which . . . read more
This is the most epic recipe for failure ever. Pipedream’s Turn Her On Kit: For the perfect encounter. Everything you need to turn on that special someone is in this kit! Next time you start, just grab this kit, apply the appropriate lotion and get ready for a thrilling titillating, climactic experience! Dude, can you imagine someone whipping this out right before sex? Incredibly racist stimulating cream? Check! Incredibly unsafe anal gel that could seriously harm you? Check! Incredibly low-quality lube? Check! Incredibly unnecessary (and possibly infectious) tightening cream? Check! The next time I’m feeling low, I will be reminding myself that my life could be much worse. I could be the unfortunate voiceover woman in the product video, being . . . read more
Um… Er… How is this even… Why…? So you can express your racial preference… with a friend? No more arguing over whether you’ll use the creepy white double dong or the creepy black double dong? Or for solo use? Like, oh, I feel like fucking myself with a specifically white cock-side tonight! Also, there’s a fucking wire inside it. For twisting it into fantastical shapes. Why not.