Girls. I have a serious matter to discuss with you. That rubber thing you are tonguing and eating? It doesn’t look sanitary. In fact, I’m willing to bet it’s been fondled by every cast member, make-up person, and cameraman on set — presumably in an impromptu game of hot potato butt plug. Wait, what are you doing now!? WHAT, WHAT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Is this the fucking Olympics? Why are you proud of having inserted an inch of rubber into your ass? WHOSE HAND IS THAT? Oh my god, girls. Look at this guy. He has permanently raised eyebrows and a wrinkly forehead. Do not take lube from him. And more importantly — DON’T FUCK HIM! I had a . . . read more

The Better Sex Synergy Pleasure System, made by the Sinclair Institute, is all about pomp and bravado. It has a stupidly long name, comes in a large box, and is endorsed by some random psychologist who doesn’t even have her own Wikipedia page. It comes with five attachments, a storage bag, a manual, and a message: Fully Charge 8 Hours Before Initial Use. Excuse me while I go vomit. And… charge it, I guess. I became interested in the Synergy after I fell in love with the Eroscillator. The Synergy resembles the Eroscillator, both in form (toothbrush) and in function (oscillating). Well, on paper it does. The reality is quite different. I’m cruel, yes, but guys — I’m already on . . . read more

In the biggest product name FAIL of all time, I present to you the Joy Finger from Doc Johnson. I can guarantee you this rubber abomination is not going to provide you with joy. Unless your definition of joy is “a wiggly, floppy sensation that may or may not leach chemicals into one’s vagina.” Personally, I can think of nothing sexier than a sex toy that looks like a Halloween gag. Just add some fake blood and you’re good to go! Also, one reviewer reports that the Joy Finger has an “intense fruity odor.” I rest my case.