Feb 132012
 

[Edit, 11/29/15: Not a stand up guy at all, it turns out. Fuck James Deen.]

BREAKING NEWS, everyone. LISTEN CLOSELY, especially if you are raising innocent little girls. I’ve just learned that James Deen, my/your favorite male porn star of all time, is very dangerous. He is a serious threat to our girlchildren. He is lurking in the shadows of the internet, infiltrating their Tumblr dashboards with his bedroom eyes. HE MUST BE STOPPED. Or, at the very least, awkwardly questioned on TV about his lasciviousness!

Porn Industry Attracting Teens?” is the headline for this segment of Nightline, because of course it is. ABC News clearly yoinked this story from an article in Good Magazine, but when re-told in alarmist video form, it gets 1000 times more ridiculous. Seriously, I could not stop laughing the first time I watched it. It was like something from The Onion News Network.

Epiphora: oh my god dude
Epiphora: i’m losing it
Epiphora: THE PART WHERE THEY TALK ABOUT BURRITOS.
The Bedroom Blogger: I know. I was laughing so hard watching it that the cat actually got all pissy and stopped being a scarf

(Bitches don’t allow embedding, but trust me, it is well worth clicking over to YouTube.)

Terry Moran starts us off by uttering the word “blogs” with more disdain than I’ve ever heard injected into a word. “For any parent concerned about what their teen does online,” he says, “the huge popularity of the young man you are about to meet may be deeply disturbing.” One minute later, the fact that Deen has fans under the age of 18 is again called “disturbing.” Nice thesaurus work, Nightline.

A few of Deen’s fans are interviewed. One chick says she loves his nose, while another says, “he looks like somebody that I could see at a coffee shop or something and actually approach.” Listen to these sex-crazed lunatics. This is what our little girls have become.

Nightline makes a big stink about the fact that Deen is not Ryan Gosling or Justin Bieber. Unlike those guys, he is not a human being; he is a… I can barely utter the words… porn star.

Laying it on thick, the voiceover notes that of Deen’s fans, “many of them are barely legal, some of them so young we couldn’t even interview them on camera. Their parents have no idea that secretly, they have a crush on a porn star.” Uh, their parents also don’t know that they secretly hump couch arms and write bad, slutty fanfic for their internet friends. Do parents need to know that shit, too?

Watching this segment, at first I was like:

And then I was like:

For Deen’s part, he answers interviewer Cecilia Vega’s dumbass questions (“DON’T U THINK U R ENCOURAGING YOUNG GIRLZ?”) with straightfoward, no-bullshit answers. And the segment serves as a fantastic bit of promo for him, as it includes footage from Doppelganger, Simpsons: The XXX ParodyHere Cums the President (which Nightline stealthily re-named as Here Comes the President), and many plugs for his blog and Twitter.

What this report is missing, of course — I mean, other than a sense of decency — is that James Deen’s fanbase is not all underage girls. SHOCKING, I KNOW, but there are actual adult women who also love him, for the simple fact that he seems to really enjoy fucking his co-stars. There are vague hints of this in the segment (they say he “holds hands with his leading ladies, gazes into their eyes, even shows a little romance” — could they make it sound any more boring?), but they’re glossed over, because god forbid porn be portrayed as enticing in any way.

Seriously, it pisses me off that we live in a world in which female sexuality is so demonized. And where people who watch porn (especially women) simply can’t win. James Deen is arguably one of the most respectful, engaged male porn stars in the industry. Sure, he’s somewhat of an airhead, but he is practically the best male figure a young girl could witness in porn.

Example: a few days ago, my friends and I were watching a scene between him and Melissa “The Face” Monet (from My Daughter’s Boyfriend). Even fucking a woman who looks like she’s giving birth to a demon when she has an orgasm, he seemed totally into it. When she came, he whispered to her that her orgasm was “beautiful.”

The only thing we should be worried about is that our daughters might have high expectations for their future sex partners after watching James Deen.

And wouldn’t that just be catastrophic.

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