glitches that ruin everything

Review: Wish

Review: Wish

There’s a common piece of sex advice, an old sex educator adage usually aimed at people wanting to please vulvas: “consistency is key, especially when someone is nearing orgasm. If your partner implores you not to stop, DEAR GOD DO NOT CHANGE WHAT YOU’RE DOING. NOW IS NOT THE TIME.” You never want your partner to be that guy. But the We-Vibe Wish is that guy. The Wish is the guy who thinks this advice doesn’t apply to him, because he has this one technique that the ladies go wild for, that gives them screaming orgasms 100% of the time, and you just don’t know how good it could be unless he bestows his gifts upon you. You like two fingers . . . read more

Review: Smart Wands (medium and large)

Review: Smart Wands (medium and large)

Unreliable. That’s the word I’d use to describe the LELO Smart Wands. Not an adjective you want applied to any vibrator, but especially not an expensive one in a category of toy which is relied upon for quick, effortless orgasms. These so-called “Smart” Wands… are pretty dumb. You can’t tell from that artsy-ass photo I took, but the medium Smart Wand is about half the size of the large one, at 9″ long and 1.7″ in diameter at the head, versus the large’s 12″ and 2.4″. The large comes in the most enormous LELO box I’ve ever seen. Both come with storage bags, but the medium gets the usual satin, while the large gets an odd neoprene that reminds me of knee pads. Because . . . read more

Review: Duet

Review: Duet

I can now say that I own a vibrator engraved with my name. Or, I should say, engraved with the epic sequence of words Exclusively for Epiphora. I didn’t choose that phrase — my brain is nowhere near that swanky — but I like it. And they spelled my name right, which is more than I can say for people who still think I’m “Euphoria.” Unfortunately, I now worry about what this vibrator, exclusively for me and permanently marked to prove it, would do if I tried to give it away. Stage its own personal electromagnetic pulse in revolt? Commit suicide by jumping out the window and into the street? I have to think about these things, because I do not see myself . . . read more

The fatal flaw of the Jimmyjane Form 2

The fatal flaw of the Jimmyjane Form 2

The Jimmyjane Form 2 was so close to perfect. Until it wasn’t anymore. I started noticing, while using the Form 2, that the vibrations shift. Seemingly out of nowhere, they migrate out of the ears — where they belong — and into the base. The motor starts whining loudly, and the vibrations on my clit become very diffuse and weak, so it’s nearly impossible to orgasm. This freak-out can only be rectified by pulling the toy away from the body. And this is not something that happens only sometimes. It happens constantly, rendering the Form 2 useless as a clitoral stimulator. Especially a $145 one. [Update, 02-15: Shawna at Sex Siopa had a new Form 2 sent to me in . . . read more

Review: Form 2

Review: Form 2

[Note: I no longer recommend the Form 2. Read why here. Additionally, I find it far too buzzy these days, and I much prefer the Rabbit Bullet, Snazzy, or Volta.] It’s the tweezers! The tooth! The chopsticks! Or… the rabbit ears, if you want to be boring. It’s the Jimmyjane Form 2, a two-pronged pipsqueak that I’ve lusted after for a while now. Yes, I finally got my grubby hands on it, and I must say — this is definitely a unique toy. So unique, yes, that it may almost be worth its $145 price tag. I’ll give you a hint: dual motors. Per Jimmyjane’s standard, the Form 2 comes in a classy box, and features the slogan “Sensation in Stereo.” Remember . . . read more

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