May 242011

This is the most epic recipe for failure ever. Pipedream’s Turn Her On Kit:

For the perfect encounter. Everything you need to turn on that special someone is in this kit! Next time you start, just grab this kit, apply the appropriate lotion and get ready for a thrilling titillating, climactic experience!

Dude, can you imagine someone whipping this out right before sex?

Incredibly racist stimulating cream? Check!

Incredibly unsafe anal gel that could seriously harm you? Check!

Incredibly low-quality lube? Check!

Incredibly unnecessary (and possibly infectious) tightening cream? Check!

The next time I’m feeling low, I will be reminding myself that my life could be much worse. I could be the unfortunate voiceover woman in the product video, being paid to say, “and of course, the Anal Eaze,” as though the Anal Eaze is the cherry on top of this already amazing collection of sample-sized atrocities.

  • lmao I think the only way this could work is if it included super glue, course that would make it disturbing for a whole new reason.

  • Jake Holden

    Agreed, this looks TERRIBLE.

  • Chloe

    Oh, wow. Presumptuous much?

  • Paradox

    I read the fine print on the lube and it also seems to say “Tasty.” My guess is that this means it has sugar in it for taste, too, so add that as another reason this kit sucks. Sugar+ladybits=yeast infection!


  • Insane Hussein

    Wait, they’re missing the anus bleach, dammit!

    Geez, talk about epic fail, this product makes me sad, mad and glad I’ll never use it.

  • I can’t believe they’re still making 3/4 of the stuff in there. (The first, second and fourth, obvs.) Oh, and the only one that’s inoffensive, the Moist lube? It has glycerin. So on top of racism, physical danger that negates the pleasure of being the bottom in properly done anal sex, and something telling women their vaginas aren’t good enough the way they are, you can get a yeast infection too! How sexy!

  • LucyLemonade

    Wow. That’s ridiculous.

  • txymxy

    Oh god. I work in a sex store and the other day I was trying sooo hard to talk a customer out of buying Anal Eaze (why do we even carry it?! Ugh) but she was insistent. “No, I’m definitely wanting the numbing effects, I’ve heard this whole speech about the dangers before, I don’t care.”
    ME: Okay.. but seriously though, pain is a good sign that something is wrong, are you sure you want to do away with that? Why not get the relaxing spray instead – it’ll still make it easier but you won’t be desensitized.
    HER: No. I want the Anal Eaze. *turns to her husband* Just go slow and all, watch to see that I’m okay.
    ME: … How will he know? If he can see blood, it’s already too late!

    And then they still bought it. What the hell, people.

  • Wow — you’ve found the trifecta of fail, now with extra lube!

  • The Anal Eaze is CHERRY FLAVORED. Just sayin’.

  • InsaneHussein

    @txymxy: NO WHYYYYY!!! Some people just don’t listen to health risk warnings.

  • Tomboy Femme

    Wow. Just wow. I can’t even imagine applying so many different products to my own or my partner’s genitals just to have sex. Lube, potentially even different kinds of lube, yes. But essentially a different product for each stage of the hypothetical sexual encounter? Did they even test these products in combinations with one another? The only possible outcome I can imagine is a gigantic yeast infection AT LEAST. At MOST… oh my god, I don’t even want to think about it.

  • Karen Blue

    OMG! Just wow! Thanks for the laugh! Pipedream really needs to find their niche!

  • awkwardshrub

    omg! aluminum poisoning is as real as lead poisoning, i had no idea ‘tightening cream’
    had that in it, a real eye opener. aluminum so much worse than ppl might realize (oh man, i could go on for an hour about freakin aluminum…)

  • Pegasister42

    I think another awful thing about the anal numbing gel is that at that point, the anal play isn’t for the receiver. Anal stimulation can be really great, but not if you’re ass is numb. So instead of something pleasurable, you get possible butt damage.

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  • Athena

    Its crap like this that drives me so insane.

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