Piph Lube, with the glitter settled at the bottom, in front of my sex toy closet. The idea, like all the best ideas, came to me while I was stoned. Lying in bed, half-asleep, it just popped into my head: my April Fool’s joke this year would be a fake lube containing ridiculous and very #me ingredients such as pinot grigio, Portland rain water, and of course, weed. If I wanted my fake lube to seem as believable as possible, I needed some help from my favorite sex toy retailer. SheVibe, the absolute darlings, readily agreed — to design the label, to source the bottles, and to create an actual product page on their site. I was gonna go all the . . . read more

[Surprise! This wine-infused sparkly stoner lube was an April Fool’s joke.] Feels like I’ve been waiting forever to tell you this and I’m nearly bursting at the seams. So I’m just gonna blurt it out: GUYS, I HAVE MY OWN LUBE NOW. It was my BFFs over at SheVibe who helped me turn this dream into reality. They’ve never helped develop a lube before, but they were down for the challenge. Now, after many months of planning, designing, and testing, it is here. Introducing Piph Lube: a radically stimulating water-based lubricant formulated with pure Portland rain water. This is the height of celebrity. I am so stoked. My first thought when brainstorming ideas for this lube was “how can I make it my . . . read more

The simplehuman Sensor Pump squirting lube onto the njoy Pure Wand. Many a time, I stared at it longingly in the aisles of Bed, Bath, & Beyond. Among the as-seen-on-TV contraptions and glistening stainless steel bathroom accessories it beckoned, goading me to use it for nefarious purposes. I’d never spend $40 on an automatic soap dispenser, but in my household, the simplehuman Sensor Pump has a much more life-sustaining function: dispensing lube. Bzzzt. That’s the sound it makes. An adorable mechanical blip, and my god — it’s a glorious thing. The first time I used it, I couldn’t stop myself. Lube was flowing like water, like wine. It was one-handed. It was instantaneous. My left hand was still firmly grasping . . . read more

Want to ask me a question? Email me at hey.epiphora [at] gmail [dot] com, or ask here. I’ve been on the search for a gold silicone dildo for a while and I can’t seem to find one. I just wanna pretend I’m getting plowed by Apollo, is that so much to ask? Oh, they are hard to come by! I’m only aware of two that come pre-made: the special edition gold Vixen Leo which is sold only at Babeland (I liiiike the Leo), and the Godemiche Adam. Otherwise, Vamp makes custom designs, including glittery toys, and there are dildo-makers on Etsy who could probably mix you the gold of your dreams. What would you say were the biggest eureka moments you had on your way to becoming a professional blogger? Overall, . . . read more

Want to ask me a question? Email me at hey.epiphora [at] gmail [dot] com, or ask here. How often do you masturbate? You have quite a collection of toys; do you end up using most of them? Generally, every other day. Sometimes I go days and it’s just a mistake because I always come too fast and don’t get to adequately test the toys. I always say that I should do it more, and I should. Ideally, once or twice a day. HOWEVER, I’m now in the habit of having more than one orgasm per session. That is a good habit to have formed. If I don’t love a toy, I don’t end up using it much at all. I’m usually . . . read more

Here are my standards for lube: That it not smell like a sanitary pad or like Nickelodeon Gak That it not taste like perfume That it not contain glycerin or parabens That it not immediately slide off the sex toy I squirt it upon That it not come in a bottle that looks like something my mother would buy if she were furnishing a sex room, whilst thinking to herself, “isn’t that bottle just so fun?!” You would think this would not narrow the field down very much, but it actually does. A lot. And that’s not even taking feel into account, which I’ll readily admit is not my forte. I avoid reviewing lube at all costs because I simply cannot tell . . . read more

This is the most epic recipe for failure ever. Pipedream’s Turn Her On Kit: For the perfect encounter. Everything you need to turn on that special someone is in this kit! Next time you start, just grab this kit, apply the appropriate lotion and get ready for a thrilling titillating, climactic experience! Dude, can you imagine someone whipping this out right before sex? Incredibly racist stimulating cream? Check! Incredibly unsafe anal gel that could seriously harm you? Check! Incredibly low-quality lube? Check! Incredibly unnecessary (and possibly infectious) tightening cream? Check! The next time I’m feeling low, I will be reminding myself that my life could be much worse. I could be the unfortunate voiceover woman in the product video, being . . . read more

It doesn’t taste like beer. At all.

If you have a stuffed-up nose and malfunctioning taste buds, Intimate Organics Hydra will seem completely perfect. It’s water-based, glycerin free, DEA free, and paraben free. It’s vegan. It has a truly perfect consistency: thin enough to feel effortless, thick enough not to drip off whichever toy I slather it on. It comes in a classy bottle, it works like a dream, and at $16 for 4 ounces, it’s a pretty good deal. With a fully functioning nose and tongue, however, the downfalls of Hydra become clear. The taste is really rancid — like eating perfume. It has a medicinal, fake clean smell to it that reminds my boyfriend of ballpoint pen ink and reminds me of sanitary pads. A . . . read more