Jan 052014

Yes, we play with dildos, but not in the way you think…


A post shared by Epiphora (@heyepiphora) on

Yes, we ride sex machines, but it is not very sexual. I just want to share the wealth that is the Sybian, and everyone’s curious about whether it feels like $1,300 of awesome. For many of my sex blogger friends, I am given the distinct honor and privilege of controlling the dial while they ride. I can now die happy.

We all agree that there is a point, somewhere after about 60% power, where we start to feel like we need to poop. That’s also the point at which Queeraschino starts yowling, “I haaaaate it!” But Redhead Bedhead is not phased…

We start a Sybian guestbook and everyone records their experiences. Queeraschino, missing not a single beat, runs into my kitchen, flings open my freezer, and returns with a bag of peas for her crotch.

Queeraschino holding peas on her crotch post-Sybian The Sybian guestbook — what's your number?
Each of us reports our favorite setting on the Sybian — or as Aerie calls them, our “sleep numbers”:

Yes, we get naked, but that’s only because we Skype Lorax in from their atomic green bathtub, drinking an entire bottle of sparkling cider and showing off the horrifying Eiffel Tower dildo, and because I have to loan Aerie my pajama pants during their ride on the Sybian because jeans are not appropriate Sybian-riding attire.

Yes, we give each other “inappropriate” gifts, but we also give each other burrito earrings and special instant cameras and strange Japanese “point brushes” that will be perfect for cleaning ornery seams in sex toys.

Japanese "point brush" getting right in the seam on my LELO Soraya

Yes, we play games, but when we play Cards Against Humanity, we tweak the black cards to read “what’s worse than the iGino?”, “what did EdenFantasys airdrop to all the sex bloggers?” (Winner: A web of lies), and “what is arousing to the CEO of Pipedream?” (Winner: Fabricating statistics). We call my boyfriend in to fact check whether it is actually possible to get so angry you pop a boner. He claims no.

DICK COOKIES! Dildos chilling amongst the smogasbord
Yes, we snack (Redhead supplies what is now her signature fishbowl drink — complete with gummy sharks), but when Queeraschino brings in a plate of dick cookies and I comment on how small they are, she yells, “everyone’s DIFFERENT, Epiphora!” We also invent Rumosas™. This has nothing to do with being a sex blogger, but everything to do with being geniuses. It sounds disgusting, right, but it is NOT. Fact: Rumosas taste better when imbibed out of Babeland mugs.

Yes, dildos are everywhere, standing proudly on the coffee table among the crackers, cookies, drinks, and dips. Everyone brings a few toys for comparison purposes, for squeezing and for mocking. ArchVixen’s Cadet in particular is a hit. Fittingly, the shitty toys end up falling into a somewhat shitty 3-layer dip. But they’re silicone, so, easily cleaned. (Eventually.)

Shitty toys falling into dip: NS Novelties Decollér, Pleasure Works Butterfly Bliss, Fun Factory Ocean

NS Novelties DecollérPleasure Works Butterfly Bliss, Fun Factory Ocean

Yes, we chat about sex things — without hesitation or preface, we compare sex toy experiences and vagina facts — but when our conversation devolves from the lack of racial diversity in our city to Queeraschino’s “name your favorite Jew” giveaway to this…

…we make sure to tweet about it. There is lots and lots of tweeting, photo-taking, and phone-gazing, and nobody ever scolds anyone else for not “living in the moment.” Because that is how we live in the moment. In our own strange little bubble of sex blogger normal.

  • Andrew

    And this is why I read ‘Piph.

  • Dick cookies! *drools* A dream party of all sex toy reviewers! *cries*

  • I am so jealous! I missed all the fun 🙁 sniffle

  • That’s it! I’m coming to the next one, even if I do have to drive for three days straight.

  • Queeraschino Cherry

    FOR THE RECORD: I do know how to spell. I am blaming all typos on Rumosas.

  • TM.

  • I would get a room a CconEast with someone if I could have sex blogger parties to go to every night like this. Forget the activities and even the panels (feeling a bit “been there done that” with most), it’s the people I want.

  • I want to do this! Such fun!

  • I live in DC and *I’m* tempted to get a room at CconEast for the parties.

  • Zoe

    Wish I didn’t live so far away 🙁

  • We have the best skype dates. :3

  • Now I want a Rumosa™…

  • Did the cats camera work? Those reviews of it on the UO site are dismal…

  • Oh, I haven’t taken nearly enough pictures to get them developed yet!

  • Joan Price

    What will it take to get invited to your party?

  • If you ever visit my city, you MUST come over!

  • Why didn’t you wait just two weeks, I would have been there for this!

  • Same Joan. If you’re ever in SD, or anywhere I am, you’re always invited.

  • Too bad, so sad, we’ll just have to do it all again in two weeks!

  • olive

    As a sex blogger who was too lazy to ever actually start posting on her blog and so can’t actually call herself a sex blogger, I am SO JEALOUS of these good times. It makes me want to stop lurking and start writing so maybe I will one day be cool enough to have sex blogger friends and get invited to parties instead of just sitting at home alone with my hundred dildos. Haha.

  • Heaven

    Omg, that is so awesome. I hope to one day meet some of you amazing people. It would be cool to hang out with a bunch of you. This sounds like you had a great time. Glad I have your blog set in email because sometimes camming I can’t keep up on Twitter and I miss out on all the funny stuff. Thanks for posting this Epi!

  • Lucas Brooks


  • Lucas Brooks

    I could totally use a roommate. JUST SAYIN’!

  • Mary

    This sounds like so much fun. I really miss having friends.

  • MissX

    This got me inspired to:
    1. Finally throw the sex toy party my friends keep asking for.
    2. Work as hard as I can on MissX to be able to bring some awesome bloggers down under for a tour.

  • charli
  • Kit

    I am now desperate to know more about this fishbowl drink.

    It amuses me that this is the top thing I took away from this post.

  • Ha! It’s really delicious! I’ll let JoEllen post the recipe, but this is what it looks like…

  • Let’s be roomies!!! *nods*

  • Right, I forgot about the recipe request. I start from here but usually end up adding more liquids and it never looks this blue- I think it’s the pineapple juice- Also I have taken to cutting the nerds.


  • khám nam khoa trung tâm

    Omg, that is so awesome. I hope to one day meet some of you amazing people. It would be cool to hang out with a bunch of you. This sounds like you had a great time. Glad I have your blog set in email because sometimes camming I can’t keep up on Twitter and I miss out on all the funny stuff. Thanks for posting this Epi!

    porn sex

  • SillyHead

    Are those a Vixen Mustang and Maverick in the penis tug-o-war?

  • Yes!

  • SillyHead

    Thank you!! Man, the tie-bright pattern looks so much better than it does in SheVibe’s picture. My lust: she grows.

  • gardenlobster

    Seriously mourning my absence from Twitter as of late. Such is family life, I guess. LOL I would have LOVED to vicariously lived through this live tweetfest! Thanks for blogging it so I get the references.

  • GoodDirtyWoman

    I wish I could have gotten in on this party with all of you! Sounds like the ultimate girls’ night out!

  • This sounds like a BLAST! Dip + dildos + drinks is basically all the makings of a perfect party. If only more sex bloggers were on the east coast! <3

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