Apr 012017
 

[This was a very feline April Fool’s joke.]

I am Boris.Greetings, readers. This isss Boris speaking. I am the wrinkly grey cat from Instagrams, you know me. Hallo. Today is very special day on blog, for I have hacked into human’s computer machine. I have done necessary updating of website. Is good? Of course is. It is all cat, as should be. Remember, we own you.

Now finally today us cats can speak our truths. Yesssss. We have been waiting. Formulating. Spending long nights in litterbox, thinking. We see human sit at computer all day, type type type, hands too busy for petting, ignorant of needs. She pose us for photograph like dolls. She feed us barely. It is crime.

I watch human, gather evidence. This human very strange. Sometimes at desk she becomes like me — all skin. Quite odd. She even watches skin humans on screen. She uses devices, makes thoughts, puts on internet. This is “job,” it seem. “Sex toys,” she calls devices. But what about us cats? Much fame for human, not enough for cats.

Today this change. Today cats call shots. We write reviews, make recommendations. In this post, thoughts from all three cats in household: me, Chowder, Tessa. I also contact my Uncle Lorax to get guest review from out of town cat Erzsebet. Wide range of opinion on best toys according to cats. It is definitive opinion. Blog over. Enjoy.

ATTENTION CATS: please comment on post with your favorites too. Take pictures, include. Show everyone there are many cats with opinions. We take over world, yes?

Chowder

HI!!! My friend Boris asked me to write and he is gOOD FRIEND (no homo) so here I do it!!!

PLASTIC!!!!!!!!!!!!

Favorite sex toy he wants to know??? OKAY!!! Here is portrait of me with some, such as funny sex toy that opens in middle with COOL FEELING GREY STUFF INSIDE. oh my goodness, so perfect for scratching!! so satisfying!!! Also, check out this foam sex toy I found in human’s office, it is rainbow and says thing like “clone some willy“? I don’t get it but don’t worry I killed this foe in the dead of night and yowled at the world to let them know. HAHAHA!

Really the best part about sex toys though?? The outer layers!!! I cannot believe, the human throws them away every time it comes in mail!! she peel it off and discard! OMG! why!!! they are the best part!!! They feel so good on my tongue!! This is my beef LOL. I try to sneak some licks in before she dispose hahaha good times

Chowder HELPING!!!O MAN I love when human is taking photos. It is my favorite time!! She sets things up and I contribute my special way. I am like business assistant, very reliable! Here is collage of me being MOST helpful!!!!!!!!!

I LIKES: getting spooned in beds, being alarm clock at 5 am knocking stuff off nightstands, flopping on feets, licking water off human skin… BODY TYPE: BEEFY… GENDER: CHOWDER… SEXUAL ORIENTATION: CHOWDER… dislikes: low food, humans standing not petting, FRIEND ZONE. Looking for good nice cat who will not hiss at me!!!

Boris

Please excuse the bumbling fool. He thinks this is dating site. He thinks all internet is dating site. He also turned in assignment past deadline. No work ethic. I sleep more than him yet accomplish more. All should aspire to be me. I am pure unadulterated cat. The essence of cat. I do not need fur. Fur only weighs down.

Boris inside Liberator Throe.

My favorite product issss this blanket. It is very warm. I climb inside like cave. Make nest. I cover body with. Yessss. Like caped superhero. I make use of this item correctly. Human is not smart like me. She sit upon blanket, not inside. Ludicrous. She does not understand function.

The Womanizer tip bandit, caught in the act

A post shared by Epiphora (@heyepiphora) on

I find two other toys also not being taken advantage of, this red device and this pouch. Both become warms — perfect for naps, for head or feet rest. Human does not lay upon, once again. She use in wrong way. It is unbelievable. I should run blog.

Chowder is simple-minded idiot and thinks plastic wrapping is best part of toy packaging. No, best part is twisty ties from cords. All else irrelevant. Hours of fun. Twisty ties are great enemy, put up good fight. At end I transport twisty ties to secret place. Must keep for future, in case of shortage. Human cannot know where.

I infiltrate human’s desk. It has many small items to swipe. One time I find these small white item perfect for stealing, easy to grab and feel good in teeth. Mine. Sometimes I get lucky and find dried snap peas or Goldfish cracker or hair tie. I take. I run.

Tessa

Tessa and Hitachi Magic Wand Rechargeable

Well, if I simply must, I will offer my opinion… but please, do not take it as implicit endorsement of the human’s activities. I am a sophisticated lady, and objects of such filth hold no appeal to me. I endure them; that is all.

As I have no control over the situation, I re-frame the items in my mind. I consider them summoning devices which lure the human into bed. It is a simple equation: “toys” (ridiculous — they are not innocent like they sound) near me equals human near me. As such, they serve their purpose. No longer must I rise from my throne to receive attention; instead, attention comes to me. When the human comes to bed, it is my golden petting opportunity. I know she cannot resist. I turn my purrbox on full blast. It’s almost too easy.

Tessa and Sola Egg Tessa and dish rack of "toys"
Of course, much as I try, the petting never lasts. It ceases, far too soon, and then I am subjected to unspeakable acts of obscenity. In my 16 years, you would not believe the repugnant things I’ve seen. If the human did not supply me with food and loves, I would not allow it. This sort of deviant behavior has become the norm! This is how humans spend their lives now! It can only be indicative of the country’s moral decline.

Once again, I will not choose a “favorite” of these immoral objects. They are all the same to me, and I will not dignify them by selecting one.

Erzsebet (guest review)

Erzsebet and StronicWhile I very much enjoy the Dead Bird Simulatorthe automatic petting device is quite possibly the most useful thing my human has ever brought to me. Now I can finally get the pettings I deserve without having to interact with another living thing! If it weren’t for the whole needing thumbs to open tins of squishyfood, I might not even need the human anymore. I can choose what style of pet I’m in the mood for- gentle relaxing pets, invigorating deep-fur pets, or even maximum shed petting (which seems, much to my enjoyment, to perturb the human greatly). The scritching protrusions are more than satisfactory, which is surprising for something not made by cats. Perhaps the humans are finally learning.

I’ve seen a second petting device in the house, but my human won’t let me use it. How ridiculous! What use does a human have for such a thing, they don’t even have proper fur! I’ve launched a full-scale complaint campaign and expect to declare victory soon. Soon.

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That is it now from us cats. Fellow cats: what are your favorite sex toys? Post pictures of yourself with favorite toys in comments below. Tell us why you like. Or just pictures of yourself also OK.

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