Apr 012017
 

[This was a very feline April Fool’s joke.]

I am Boris.Greetings, readers. This isss Boris speaking. I am the wrinkly grey cat from Instagrams, you know me. Hallo. Today is very special day on blog, for I have hacked into human’s computer machine. I have done necessary updating of website. Is good? Of course is. It is all cat, as should be. Remember, we own you.

Now finally today us cats can speak our truths. Yesssss. We have been waiting. Formulating. Spending long nights in litterbox, thinking. We see human sit at computer all day, type type type, hands too busy for petting, ignorant of needs. She pose us for photograph like dolls. She feed us barely. It is crime.

I watch human, gather evidence. This human very strange. Sometimes at desk she becomes like me — all skin. Quite odd. She even watches skin humans on screen. She uses devices, makes thoughts, puts on internet. This is “job,” it seem. “Sex toys,” she calls devices. But what about us cats? Much fame for human, not enough for cats.

Today this change. Today cats call shots. We write reviews, make recommendations. In this post, thoughts from all three cats in household: me, Chowder, Tessa. I also contact my Uncle Lorax to get guest review from out of town cat Erzsebet. Wide range of opinion on best toys according to cats. It is definitive opinion. Blog over. Enjoy.

ATTENTION CATS: please comment on post with your favorites too. Take pictures, include. Show everyone there are many cats with opinions. We take over world, yes?

Chowder

HI!!! My friend Boris asked me to write and he is gOOD FRIEND (no homo) so here I do it!!!

PLASTIC!!!!!!!!!!!!

Favorite sex toy he wants to know??? OKAY!!! Here is portrait of me with some, such as funny sex toy that opens in middle with COOL FEELING GREY STUFF INSIDE. oh my goodness, so perfect for scratching!! so satisfying!!! Also, check out this foam sex toy I found in human’s office, it is rainbow and says thing like “clone some willy“? I don’t get it but don’t worry I killed this foe in the dead of night and yowled at the world to let them know. HAHAHA!

Really the best part about sex toys though?? The outer layers!!! I cannot believe, the human throws them away every time it comes in mail!! she peel it off and discard! OMG! why!!! they are the best part!!! They feel so good on my tongue!! This is my beef LOL. I try to sneak some licks in before she dispose hahaha good times

Chowder HELPING!!!O MAN I love when human is taking photos. It is my favorite time!! She sets things up and I contribute my special way. I am like business assistant, very reliable! Here is collage of me being MOST helpful!!!!!!!!!

I LIKES: getting spooned in beds, being alarm clock at 5 am knocking stuff off nightstands, flopping on feets, licking water off human skin… BODY TYPE: BEEFY… GENDER: CHOWDER… SEXUAL ORIENTATION: CHOWDER… dislikes: low food, humans standing not petting, FRIEND ZONE. Looking for good nice cat who will not hiss at me!!!

Boris

Please excuse the bumbling fool. He thinks this is dating site. He thinks all internet is dating site. He also turned in assignment past deadline. No work ethic. I sleep more than him yet accomplish more. All should aspire to be me. I am pure unadulterated cat. The essence of cat. I do not need fur. Fur only weighs down.

Boris inside Liberator Throe.

My favorite product issss this blanket. It is very warm. I climb inside like cave. Make nest. I cover body with. Yessss. Like caped superhero. I make use of this item correctly. Human is not smart like me. She sit upon blanket, not inside. Ludicrous. She does not understand function.

The Womanizer tip bandit, caught in the act

A post shared by Epiphora (@heyepiphora) on

I find two other toys also not being taken advantage of, this red device and this pouch. Both become warms — perfect for naps, for head or feet rest. Human does not lay upon, once again. She use in wrong way. It is unbelievable. I should run blog.

Chowder is simple-minded idiot and thinks plastic wrapping is best part of toy packaging. No, best part is twisty ties from cords. All else irrelevant. Hours of fun. Twisty ties are great enemy, put up good fight. At end I transport twisty ties to secret place. Must keep for future, in case of shortage. Human cannot know where.

I infiltrate human’s desk. It has many small items to swipe. One time I find these small white item perfect for stealing, easy to grab and feel good in teeth. Mine. Sometimes I get lucky and find dried snap peas or Goldfish cracker or hair tie. I take. I run.

Tessa

Tessa and Hitachi Magic Wand Rechargeable

Well, if I simply must, I will offer my opinion… but please, do not take it as implicit endorsement of the human’s activities. I am a sophisticated lady, and objects of such filth hold no appeal to me. I endure them; that is all.

As I have no control over the situation, I re-frame the items in my mind. I consider them summoning devices which lure the human into bed. It is a simple equation: “toys” (ridiculous — they are not innocent like they sound) near me equals human near me. As such, they serve their purpose. No longer must I rise from my throne to receive attention; instead, attention comes to me. When the human comes to bed, it is my golden petting opportunity. I know she cannot resist. I turn my purrbox on full blast. It’s almost too easy.

Tessa and Sola Egg Tessa and dish rack of "toys"
Of course, much as I try, the petting never lasts. It ceases, far too soon, and then I am subjected to unspeakable acts of obscenity. In my 16 years, you would not believe the repugnant things I’ve seen. If the human did not supply me with food and loves, I would not allow it. This sort of deviant behavior has become the norm! This is how humans spend their lives now! It can only be indicative of the country’s moral decline.

Once again, I will not choose a “favorite” of these immoral objects. They are all the same to me, and I will not dignify them by selecting one.

Erzsebet (guest review)

Erzsebet and StronicWhile I very much enjoy the Dead Bird Simulatorthe automatic petting device is quite possibly the most useful thing my human has ever brought to me. Now I can finally get the pettings I deserve without having to interact with another living thing! If it weren’t for the whole needing thumbs to open tins of squishyfood, I might not even need the human anymore. I can choose what style of pet I’m in the mood for- gentle relaxing pets, invigorating deep-fur pets, or even maximum shed petting (which seems, much to my enjoyment, to perturb the human greatly). The scritching protrusions are more than satisfactory, which is surprising for something not made by cats. Perhaps the humans are finally learning.

I’ve seen a second petting device in the house, but my human won’t let me use it. How ridiculous! What use does a human have for such a thing, they don’t even have proper fur! I’ve launched a full-scale complaint campaign and expect to declare victory soon. Soon.

———

That is it now from us cats. Fellow cats: what are your favorite sex toys? Post pictures of yourself with favorite toys in comments below. Tell us why you like. Or just pictures of yourself also OK.

  • Kat Stark

    Agreed and overdue. My human never appreciates the best part of toysss which is perfect cat-sized box. – The Duchess https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/99ae9dff0eddf7d3c1a073416042819e05076890fea6dc192fdbf02049cfe7ff.jpg

  • Laurie

    That cordless Hitachi magic wand is everything, but my cat isn’t so fond of it because I feel weird when she’s on the bed while I’m masturbating so I lock her out of the room. I had the original one that wasn’t cordless and it would burn my pussy up after 20 minutes. I bought the cordless version after you recommended it and assured me it could be used for an extended time with no pussy burning.

    And by pussy I mean vagina, of course, not pussy cat.

  • Sara Testarossa

    I’m a mere human but appreciate this post. I’ll make sure my cats get to see it. Folks reading in mobile – check out full site, Boris et al did an awesome job with the header and sidebar, too.

    Thank you fine felines for your time and efforts. They are supremely entertaining and informative!

  • Hi, cat friends!! Tru is unfortunately no longer with us, but she’d happily pose with sex toys for photos when she was still around. Her other favorite sex-toy-related activities included knocking my Eroscillator off my nightstand at 4AM, nestling between my thighs while I Hitachi’ed under the covers, and furiously licking nonsexual parts of my body while I masturbated, to my confused chagrin. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/58431fe9c6d5594f270d940e4f066442fab21b4d2551292c67583bc0249e5be1.jpg

  • Zeke Graysex

    always concerned about getting caught
    adam&eve commercial about “prying eyes” is most relatable
    their “discounts” though – deplorable.
    P.S. my bone is my favorite toy; that’s when things get reaaallll wild ’round here
    -Santiago

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/3fc0b35e2de0f3e58496a6f10b0b8604fd329f5e584021e65d30c3d72ab3e061.jpg https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/dcf8d7d1491d938821d923daf26847a857587623a92871f4addac29f2abf182b.png

  • Dandemort

    Al has long gone to the rainbow bridge but I bet he would have loved my long-stem feather tickler (and would have promptly destroyed it).

    That said:

    HOLY SHIT I AM CRYING EVERYTHING IS CAT, NOTHING HURTS. THIS WAS BEAUTIFUL.

  • Veronica Lea

    I is zealous of ze machines out-purrring me, zo I sheds all over zen in revenge. Mudder find ze teeny tiny hairs all over ze machines even after ze vashing. Meeoowwwhahahahahahahaha. Zinzerely, Dmitri Shostakovich https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/a15e2a9b2cabaeeec3175cdcf944ad6860d853b73276dd623173aaf98c8d6d45.png

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  • Dandemort

    I just now managed to get to my computer and holy shit it is amazing. Piph always knocks it out the park!

  • Indy likes Tsunami due to it holding large amounts of hair and standing in prime position to knock off windowsills and other high ledges.
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/36098d27f3190556bce1e29e82189d1216389334b1eeb59757613f5b2abef493.jpg

  • Thing 1: i rilly like gettin lil spanks from my hooman. espeshully when she do lil boops with this pattle. i used to liek opening box and turn on buzzy wand when hooman sleep but she hid it froms me :'(

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/222b3d7f51c5ef06cb40861ffe624b38dc54a0f4ab381a2bfcc6eb389b81b913.jpg

    Thing 2: I quite enjoy this green lemon. It rolls around and buzzes at me when I put my paws on it. Most of human’s toys are like boring sticks but this one I can chase, so I approve.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/f68a8428fce39e61625a0232eb9f25f384e984f83965a9cdcab668ca3b00374a.jpg

    Thing 3: i am mesmerzed by alla tha things in hoomans boxes. they do purrs liek me. i go cuddle wif hooman when she turns tha thingz on. i know y she uses thems alla tha time, they give me a relax.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/7e489cad698d926b93899b47c1789409426bf2b4e0b3a1626757c1a30a85a925.jpg

  • Bobby Joe here. This bag that I captured is telling a lie. This bag is empty. Maybe when I grow up, my human will let me have my own sex toys. She has plenty to spare but she’s selfish and won’t share. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/e946cb987c05619872547254f89653afd8caf4ca50cd801fd72d6d7fb4fa3dd5.jpg

  • AHAHA YES good thinking Indy!!!! Good spot for toppling!! —Chowder

  • Rin Nanika

    Do not like when my person play with buzzy things, because she not let
    sit on her even though she in good position for sitting on. Person
    rolls over and makes get off! Am kitty, should get cuddles
    whenever want. Also, sometimes she use big buzzy thing that make vacuum
    cleaner noise. 🙁 Is scary.

    Best buzzy thing is small narrow
    thing because it rolls good when push with paw. Extra bits from big
    buzzy thing also fun to play with and bat with paw. Person try to hide,
    but I good at finding! She also hide some other things from me, but I
    get cat fur on them anyways, so I win. >:3

    Do not have picture with buzzy things, but here a picture of me with prey! Am badass ninja dinosaur killer.
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/443be30da10149e37a01054ed0211022451dd9a3817ccb5094d6bb0f6e5e7bc8.jpg

  • Bobby Joe again. My human finally said I could have my own sex toy, but she lied again — it’s fun, gets my heart rate up, but no orgasms. Of course she says that about some of her sex toys, too. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/8bd87d627edd7f77ac027c4f82c5deb531beb763e8d9775e035be4fe5ebffebc.jpg

  • I am perturbed to see that an intelligent young woman such as yourself would openly engage in such vulgarity, and then brag about it. Sigh. Your poor cat looks terrified. Re-think your life choices. —Tessa

  • Dmitri, hallo, yessss, I like you. You are good at sabotage, very sneaky. —Boris

  • YES!!!!!!! see this is my point!!!!! r u single the duchess???? —Chowder

  • Santiago, it is simple: you would not have to feel guilty if only you refrained from profane behavior. —Tessa

  • we can find a bigger box for date????? —Chowder

  • LOL I KNOW RIGHT!!!!!!!!! making holes is my SPECIALTY hahaha DUDE u have the right idea Furby!! p.s. keep that smol pig away from me plz —Chowder

  • Have you found credit card? Income source very good, we can use to continue takeover. —Boris

  • This cat looks like me?!?!?! WOW COOL!! however sorry not sorry but you are using it wrong. that part is not toy. OTHER part is toy, where you scratch!!! Go find it! —Chowder

  • What you are asking for is not unreasonable. We are cats; we require cuddling at all hours and on our schedule. It is our right. I am pleased to hear you are soiling your human’s offensive objects. —Tessa

  • IT IS BIRD!!!!!!!!!!! I WANT IT!!!!! can you bring it to me??? sorry I’m comfortable over here lol —Chowder

  • Good capture, Bobby Joe. You grow into strong stealth cat, I employ you. —Boris

  • yes PLEASE back off you are very large even larger than ME and it is SCARY!!! —Chowder

  • OMG looks so nice! those pets!!! can I have your human?? LOL don’t tell mine I said it. ALSO boring sticks it’s SoOO TRUE! —Chowder

  • Lunabelle

    HELLO! This not Luna, it WEASEL. True ninja, sneakiest one, thief of catnip and chewer of blind cords. My human has many buzz sticks. The NOISE I do not like. She will not pet me when they make the BUZZ, even if I walk on her face. But she puts out SOFTEST blankets to take buzz stick pictures! JUST FOR ME! Here I wait by buzz sticks for precious BLANKET to appear.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/98eaa5be01e8e839b8b3a5ac3a4e342a4d65517f7ea33ba25134546b47e1d28a.jpg

  • Sara Testarossa

    I steal human’s phone, she sleep. I love chewing outer layer, like Chowder does! And cords! Not even just toy cords, I chew through cord of round things human puts in ears, too. Also I shed everywhere so human has to wash toys more often. It my way at getting back at her for not letting me share bed when using the weird rumbly thing. I no have pics with toys, but here’s one of me on TV! – Apollo
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/bb292196eafa9f1e32375f590dacb452aaaff22801365622286bd798d52ee179.jpg

  • Kiki =^● ⋏ ●^=

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/bd040a9d231f3d776c0fc8452b38286cb0017b0c157cb2fd904a536774859074.jpg Hello. My name is Vilja. I’m a very classy lady. I enjoy catnip cocktails and toys that look like vegetables. My mom once bought this “toy” that had a box that said ‘LELO’ and I love that box. I keep it in my little cave and store all my vegetable toys and catnip cocktail ingredients in it. Sometimes my cat brother Heppu tries to steal my catnip but I distract him with a red dot on the ground. He’s a dumb country boy, I’m a classy city lady and I know he’ll never get the dot. But it distracts him well and gets him off my cocktails.

  • oh CORD! good idea apollo!! YOU ARE VERY WISE and also BIG like me! good job on sheds. also balance wow!!! —Chowder

  • Vilja, pleased to meet you. You seem like a good conversationalist, unlike the imbeciles I’m surrounded by in this household. I know all about dumb country boys, unfortunately… —Tessa

  • FACE WALKIN OH YES!! You have the right idea Weasel!! keep it up!! —Chowder

  • Zeke Graysex

    “Tessa, I am just not sure if i can commit to using ONLY my paws like a good boy. Plus, I need something that i can lose under the couch constantly” – Santiago

  • edeneveef

    Very clever, witty stories – gave me lots of smiles!

  • Come Heather

    This is wonderful and beautiful and all things good. The sidebar filled with cat links, the carpet background, Boris’ sinister countenance, the laser pointer cursor…it’s all magic.

    This is my gato, Lucy. She was eating a delicious can of fish chum squishies tonight (Fancy Feast).

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/7f34dc1f364619f367e1f6a0f1fef8869cfb55299f9b33a8333a24f63c093064.jpg

  • Maddy Archey

    Hello! Is dog! Hi friends! My boss likes to play in bed! I like to play too but then I just bite ONE toe, and boss yells and puts me in other room. Is very sad. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/7b76fbde5a172dab9a4c2810363b4d21c03f93a880575a4a333ac7b19ed6bfe0.jpg.

  • my kitten just started shedding… putting him near the silicone toys is gonna be interesting. Hopefully I’ll have a photo to add to all this!

  • AceDenise

    This was wonderful! And all the site details were perfect. Unfortunately I don’t have any cats- I live alone and work long hours so I would hate to leave them alone for so long. 🙁 I really enjoyed how each cat’s personality comes through so clearly. And reading everyone’s stories about their fur friends was such a treat. This made me smile before going to work, thank you!

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