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Are you my next Dildo Butler?

You will be responsible for working all non-recreational masturbation sessions. Apply within.

Last updated:

I am seeking a conscientious, sex-positive individual to fill the role of Dildo Butler. This is a highly unique live-out position that requires professionalism, discretion, and an exceptionally open-minded attitude. To be successful in this role you must, above all, possess a respectful demeanor that does not waver in the presence of sexual activity. If you can’t watch porn with a friend without feeling embarrassed, this is not the job for you.

The role of Dildo Butler is a multi-faceted personal assistant type position that blends elements of hospitality with administrative and creative work. It requires close interaction with a person who is masturbating. Applicants should be organized, meticulous, and able to handle sensitive situations with maturity and a sense of humor. You must have impeccable character references as well as extensive knowledge of the sex toy industry. This is a multi-cat household.

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:

  • General maintenance of my sex toy collection, including regular charging, cleaning, and organizing
  • Overseeing inventory of lubricant and home office supplies, re-stocking as needed
  • Proofreading blog posts and scheduling social media promotion
  • Assisting with photoshoots, including corralling my cats
  • Light housekeeping (sweeping, dusting, cleaning my keyboard) and occasional errands
  • Miscellaneous administrative tasks, such as answering emails and updating blog posts
  • Social media monitoring in the event of having gone “viral”
  • Attending masturbation sessions (see below)

As Dildo Butler, you will be responsible for working all non-recreational masturbation sessions, which will be scheduled in advance. During a masturbation session, you will be asked to reside in another room until your assistance is required. Shifts will range from 1-4 hours. No two masturbation sessions will be the same, so adaptability is a must. During your shift, you may be called upon to perform any of the following duties:

  • Retrieving, charging, or cleaning a specific sex toy
  • Cat wrangling (you will be supplied with laser pointer and other cat entertainment)
  • Refilling my lube dispenser
  • Standing by and holding a buzzing vibrator as I compare it directly to another toy
  • Preparing a light snack (e.g. carrots and ranch, cheese and crackers, Goldfish)
  • Ordering take-out to be delivered post-session
  • Other small unanticipated tasks (bringing my headphones, refilling my water bottle, etc)
A person in a suit holding out two dildos in the palms of their hands.
Respectfully offering a choice: the Splendid Piph or BS Wild Stripes.

MASTURBATING WHILE ON THE CLOCK IS EXPRESSLY FORBIDDEN. Jacking off is my job, not yours. As Dildo Butler, you will undoubtedly be exposed to pornography, both visual and auditory. You will be expected to separate erotic sounds and objects from physical arousal; please do not apply if you do not believe this to be possible. Our relationship should be one of employer and employee, and therefore must remain strictly professional at all times.

Additionally, after each masturbation session, you will be responsible for:

  • Wine service
  • Taking dictation of orally delivered observations during a debriefing period
  • Serving take-out, if applicable, that has been appropriately heated
  • Collecting used sex toys and washing them thoroughly
  • Laundering soiled towels, sheets, and blankets
  • Returning dry sex toys to their correct drawers, or charging them

Applicants should be organized, meticulous, and able to handle sensitive situations with maturity and a sense of humor. No two masturbation sessions will be the same, so adaptability is a must.

QUALIFICATIONS:

  • Encyclopedic knowledge of the sex toy industry
    • Exceptional awareness of sex toy names, manufacturers, types, and materials
    • Ability to differentiate between chargers from various manufacturers
    • Understanding of which vibrators are fully waterproof
  • Strong familiarity with my blog and my collection specifically
  • Outstanding verbal and written communication, with a sharp attention to detail
  • Ease and maturity around nudity, masturbation, and pornography
  • Comfort interacting with human liquids, including ejaculation and menstrual blood
  • Experience properly and thoroughly cleaning a wide variety of sex toy materials and types
  • Ability to handle sensitive situations with care and a sense of humor
  • Proficiency with technology (WordPress, social media platforms, spreadsheets)
  • Typing speed of at least 75 WPM
  • Basic cooking skills

The following are not requirements, but can increase your chances of being hired:

  • Adult industry experience
  • Feline handling skills
  • Formal training in writing, photography, or social media marketing
  • Knack for recommending wine and porn to suit specific tastes
  • Background in stenography
  • An Australian accent

Applicants must be 21 years of age or older. Flexible scheduling with availability to work weekends on occasion. Compensation: $25/hour DOE. Relocation fees covered for the right applicant. Formal wear not required but appreciated. DO NOT APPLY TO THIS POSITION IF YOU ARE UNCOMFORTABLE AROUND PORNOGRAPHY OR SEX TOYS.

Apply now

Do you have the fortitude to excel in the role of Dildo Butler? Please submit your application in the comments section below by answering the following initial interview questions:

  • Given the job requirements, why are you an excellent fit for this position?
  • Do you consider yourself a cat person? Tell me about a time you successfully wrangled a cat.
  • Down time is a part of this job. How will you occupy yourself while I masturbate?
  • What organizational strategies would you implement in my office? In which drawer would you file away the Jimmyjane Intro 2? The Fun Factory Volta?

I will be reviewing applications in the coming months and will be in touch with stand-out applicants to schedule video interviews.

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Comments

  1. Good Afternoon,

    I would humbly like to apply for the position as Dildo Butler. Below you will find answers to your questions and I hope to convey to you my eagerness, professionalism, and expertise in this area.

    1. Given the job requirements, why am I an excellent fit for this position?

    First, let me start by saying that I am a spreadsheets person. Why does this matter? I would meticulously log your toys as well as date them by last use, your reviews, when last cleaned, manufacturer, color and type (would also include battery type, when last changed and more) Should it be a device that requires charging I would add a note stating how many uses and or duration a full charge lasts once acquainted with the device.

    Furthermore, I frequent local and international adult toy stores, attend lectures and informational panels, as well as appeared on a panel discussing adult toy use at a recent meetup.

    Lastly, I can certainly handle each situation with calm, poise, and am not afraid of bodily fluids or cleaning them up. However, most importantly, let’s have fun! As we get acquainted I hope to anticipate your needs and bring a level of professionalism with a healthy sense humor and good cheer.

    2. Do I consider myself a cat person and describe a time I successfully wrangled a cat?

    Yes. I do consider myself a cat person and own a cat myself (along with a dog). There was once a bodega cat near my job in Brooklyn. One day the bodega closed, but after two days we heard the sound of the cat looking for food —low and behold it was three cats. After the landlord failed to retrieve the cats I went in. With some noises that have always worked well for me around cats, and getting down on the floor I was able to retrieve two out of three. The third one was a bit sassy and would get close then run. Using a racquet ball and a laser pointer she quickly became occupied and I was able to lead her to the door where we cornered her and got her to safety.

    3. Down time and occupying myself while you masterbate?

    I think it’s important to be attentive to your needs and desires. As such, I would happily wait in the corner of the room to provide assistance if asked. Should you wish that I not be in the room I would be outside. I love to read and most often would be engrossed in a book—that is if there was nothing that needed to be done with your toys.

    Downtime is a perfect time to ensure everything is put away neatly, take inventory of lubricants, batteries, and Electrical charges. As well as updated the previously mentioned spreadsheet and/or clean any toys that need it.

    Once those tasks are completed then I would happily occupy my time with a book, write in my journal, or perhaps play with your cats.

    4. What organizational strategies would I implement in your office?

    Moving beyond the spreadsheet which will also serve as a marker for where each toy belongs.

    For instance I would move toys that were less than spectacular to the bottom drawers, and bring the favorites to waist level ensuring less strain on the body when looking, as well as easy access. If possible I would buy drawer separators so that each toy has its own little home in your office. In time perhaps each space is assigned a number which would align with the number on the spreadsheet.

    The idea is you can say X and I know that it’s in drawer E slot 5–or E5 for short. For instance, since the FunFactory Volta is one of your faves that would get a prime position on the shoe rack or in a waist high drawer. So it would be in slot A6.

    The JimmyJane Form 2 would be in a lower drawer. Perhaps to see the light of day some day, or to be thrown out to make space for new devices.

    However, please bare in mind that what was just said was based on reading your blog, watching your YouTube and IG stories. Should I be offered the position a real in person look, as well as a conversation with you on what you’re needs and wants are when it comes to the office. In the end it’s what will make you happy and what would be easy for you.

    I hope I’ve answered your questions and I would be happy to discuss my answers in more detail.

    I am beyond grateful for the opportunity and look forward to your reply.

    Zachery

  2. Good Afternoon,

    I would humbly like to apply for the position as Dildo Butler. Below you will find answers to your questions and I hope to convey to you my eagerness, professionalism, and expertise in this area.

    1. Given the job requirements, why am I an excellent fit for this position?

    First, let me start by saying that I am a spreadsheets person. Why does this matter? I would meticulously log your toys as well as date them by last use, your reviews, when last cleaned, manufacturer, color and type (would also include battery type, when last changed and more) Should it be a device that requires charging I would add a note stating how many uses and or duration a full charge lasts once acquainted with the device.

    Furthermore, I frequent local and international adult toy stores, attend lectures and informational panels, as well as appeared on a panel discussing adult toy use at a recent meetup.

    Lastly, I can certainly handle each situation with calm, poise, and am not afraid of bodily fluids or cleaning them up. However, most importantly, let’s have fun! As we get acquainted I hope to anticipate your needs and bring a level of professionalism with a healthy sense humor and good cheer.

    2. Do I consider myself a cat person and describe a time I successfully wrangled a cat?

    Yes. I do consider myself a cat person and own a cat myself (along with a dog). There was once a bodega cat near my job in Brooklyn. One day the bodega closed, but after two days we heard the sound of the cat looking for food —low and behold it was three cats. After the landlord failed to retrieve the cats I went in. With some noises that have always worked well for me around cats, and getting down on the floor I was able to retrieve two out of three. The third one was a bit sassy and would get close then run. Using a racquet ball and a laser pointer she quickly became occupied and I was able to lead her to the door where we cornered her and got her to safety.

    3. Down time and occupying myself while you masterbate?

    I think it’s important to be attentive to your needs and desires. As such, I would happily wait in the corner of the room to provide assistance if asked. Should you wish that I not be in the room I would be outside. I love to read and most often would be engrossed in a book—that is if there was nothing that needed to be done with your toys.

    Downtime is a perfect time to ensure everything is put away neatly, take inventory of lubricants, batteries, and Electrical charges. As well as updated the previously mentioned spreadsheet and/or clean any toys that need it.

    Once those tasks are completed then I would happily occupy my time with a book, write in my journal, or perhaps play with your cats.

    4. What organizational strategies would I implement in your office?

    Moving beyond the spreadsheet which will also serve as a marker for where each toy belongs.

    For instance I would move toys that were less than spectacular to the bottom drawers, and bring the favorites to waist level ensuring less strain on the body when looking, as well as easy access. If possible I would buy drawer separators so that each toy has its own little home in your office. In time perhaps each space is assigned a number which would align with the number on the spreadsheet.

    The idea is you can say X and I know that it’s in drawer E slot 5–or E5 for short. For instance, since the FunFactory Volta is one of your faves that would get a prime position on the shoe rack or in a waist high drawer. So it would be in slot A6.

    The JimmyJane Form 2 would be in a lower drawer. Perhaps to see the light of day some day, or to be thrown out to make space for new devices.

    However, please bare in mind that what was just said was based on reading your blog, watching your YouTube and IG stories. Should I be offered the position a real in person look, as well as a conversation with you on what you’re needs and wants are when it comes to the office. In the end it’s what will make you happy and what would be easy for you.

    I hope I’ve answered your questions and I would be happy to discuss my answers in more detail.

    I am beyond grateful for the opportunity and look forward to your reply.

    Zachery

  3. I feel like this is the first April 1st that you were being 100% serious.

  4. Wow, Zachery, this is an extremely impressive resume. Your eagerness to organize is shining right through. I must admit you have some brilliant ideas for whipping my collection into shape. I LOVE the idea of keeping track of when a toy was last charged, perhaps creating a schedule for them? I’m terrible at remembering to charge toys I haven’t used in a while.

    Thank you for your exceedingly thorough application!

  5. You are very welcome. Since writing my message I have started to elaborate on the ideas and map them out on paper. As well as think of some new ones.

  6. Given the job requirements, why are you an excellent fit for this position?

    I am a highly organized individual, but am not particularly personally interested in sex; therefore, I can apply my full organizational skills to the topic at hand without being distracted by the fact that I’m organizing sex toys. I am able to run errands (I have a driver’s license), good at cleaning, and willing to handle all human fluids with gloves. I also get along well with cats.

    Do you consider yourself a cat person? Tell me about a time you successfully wrangled a cat.

    I’m definitely a cat person. However, at this point I live with my parents and they’re allergic (not enough that I can’t work with them, I just can’t have one at home), so I don’t live with a cat. My main experience comes from friends’ cats. I have, in the past, been able to get these cats to approach me and eat while near me, even if they’re generally skittish.

    Down time is a part of this job. How will you occupy yourself while I masturbate?

    Refining the sex toy index (the Insex) at first; once I get that sorted out, probably checking on the blog.

    What organizational strategies would you implement in my office? In which drawer would you file away the Jimmyjane Intro 2? The Fun Factory Volta?

    I’d probably start sorting by broad type of sex toy first – clit-stimulators in this section, imitation dicks in that section, external vibrators over here, and so on. From there, they’d be sorted by material and possibly company (for the ones where it’s distinctive, like Vixskin). The Jimmyjane Intro 2 would be deposited in the Bottom Drawers of Uselessness, where bad sex toys go. The Fun Factory Volta would be with the external vibrators, subcategory 100% Silicone.

  7. I genuinely cannot tell if this is an April fool’s joke or a job I can actually apply for….

  8. I genuinely cannot tell if this is an April fool’s joke or a job I can actually apply for….

  9. 1) Given the job requirements, why are you an excellent fit for this position?
    I’m an excellent fit for this position because I have no problem being around toys, nudity, and porn in a mature manner. I worked in a lingerie/toy shop (Hustler Hollywood) for about a year and I have A LOT of knowledge on toys just waiting to be used. I used to attend vendor (We-vibe, Fun Factory, The Rabbit Company, Wicked, etc.) at least once a month for additional information on products. Also, if I ever needed information on a product I couldn’t get my hands on, I would read your blog! I am all in for honest opinions on toys, especially when others are curious about a certain toy being worth to be added to their collection. When it comes to working in a store, most people will be focused on just sells but I loved also providing correct, safe, and fun information.

    2) Do you consider yourself a cat person? Tell me about a time you successfully wrangled a cat.
    I LOVE cats! My baby’s name is Dorian Grey. He can be very violent but it doesn’t stop me from loving and playing with him. My cat is the only toxic relationship I will allow in my life. I am most proud of the time I successfully put Dorian into a sweater for Christmas photos without looking like I got beat up (however I did not get to take any pictures with him because I couldn’t find matching clothes for myself).

    3) Down time is a part of this job. How will you occupy yourself while I masturbate?
    I will most definitively make sure that all tasks are completed during this time, however, if I am finished with everything, I honestly don’t know.

    4) What organizational strategies would you implement in my office? In which drawer would you file away the Jimmyjane Intro 2? The Fun Factory Volta?
    I will try to keep your toys organized to your choosing. One thing I could not decide on while working at HH is how I preferd the toys to be organized in the back. I thing I ended up organizing by brand (then by type) because it was easier for me to just go to the section for Fun Factory (for example) rather than looking through every single brand that has something similar. Whatever I decide on, you will not have to worry about your drawers being a hot mess. I love organizing and making spaces as functional as possible with purpose. The Jimmyjane Intro 2 and the Fun Factory Volta can easily go into the same drawer, but like I said, I will most likely keep different brands separate.

  10. Hi Epiphora,

    Thanks for offering the opportunity to assist you in your work. I am a long-time admirer of the effort you have put into raising awareness of toxic toys and the lack of regulations in the sex toy industry, and would be thrilled to contribute as your dildo butler. As for your initial interview questions, please see my responses below.

    1. Given the job requirements, why are you an excellent fit for this position?

    I have a number of skills suited to the requirements of the position. I am a lifelong creative writer who has also trained in formal writing; I admire the pizzazz and straightforwardness with which you write your reviews. Less formally, I have also assisted friends and acquaintances as an editor, and have a talent for line edits and proofreading. In the past, I have trained in both digital and analogue photography, and have broader fine arts education to boot. My writing endeavors and prior work experience involved some self-taught coding for website management (including WordPress), both for the base structure of posts as well as to add flair. If you’re interested, I would be happy to send you an example of the work I’m willing to put in to have my words come through with the exact impact that I desire. I spent hours working to create a custom code to display emojis in a host site that didn’t support them for a chapter of a co-written work of erotica.

    As for the sexual nature of your work, I am a firm believer in appropriate boundaries and would have no trouble separating a work relationship from the environment of the job. I am comfortable being exposed to masturbation and pornography and am unbothered by human bodies and their associated bodily fluids. While my knowledge of the sex toy industry is not yet encyclopedic, I have a passion for learning about sex toys and the different manufacturers and have spent many hours researching different toys simply for the joy of chasing an interest. Relatedly, I enjoy research, am a fast learner, and don’t shy away from tedious or repetitive tasks.

    Also, butler-style formalwear delights me and I would gladly wear it as a uniform.

    2. Do you consider yourself a cat person? Tell me about a time you successfully wrangled a cat.

    I have lived with and loved many cats in my life. Most recently, I cohabitate with a persnickety, easily stressed cat to whom I have intentionally become highly attuned in order to fulfill her needs. Prior to my current living situation, we lived with another cat with whom she did not get along, and I rapidly learned to deescalate cat conflicts and soothe each cat’s individual needs. My cat requires a lot of individual attention and entertainment to keep her from acting out due to jealousy, whereas the other cat was shy and needed careful, non-threatening body language and a gentle approach to coax her into being able to relax. I had the great privilege of watching her blossom into a snuggly lovebug who will happily demand to be pet. (By the way, I have never had the opportunity to befriend a hairless cat, and I have to say that Boris is beyond adorable. I would love to meet him.)

    3. Down time is a part of this job. How will you occupy yourself while I masturbate?

    Administrative-style tasks are something I excel at, and I would be inclined to spend much of the down time at first familiarizing myself with your preexisting organizational setup to understand where I would be building from. After that, I would begin working on organizational strategies such as cataloguing all the toys in a spreadsheet and creating a reference system for easily locating each toy in moments. Additionally, I would spend time doing tasks such as preparing blog posts by inserting all the necessary links to each blog post or outside website, cleaning and charging used toys, proofreading in-progress posts, and so on.

    4. What organizational strategies would you implement in my office? In which drawer would you file away the Jimmyjane Intro 2? The Fun Factory Volta?

    Long term, I’d love to create a full inventory of your toys in a spreadsheet, cataloguing them by type, material, brand, whether they have been reviewed, and other key details. If possible, I would like to take a photograph of each toy for ease of recognition. My personal preference would be to have separate tabs on a spreadsheet for each variety of toy — butt plugs, dildos by material, bullet vibrators, etc. — and sort each tab alphabetically, but I am flexible on sorting methods and would customize it to your preferences. I grew up seeing merchandise inventories sorted by type, each with a photograph, and I believe that some of the strategies used therein could be usefully applied to your collection.

    The Fun Factory Volta would be kept either in an easily accessed drawer of top vibrators in the closet, or, should you prefer to have it right at hand, fully charged and stored in your desk. The Jimmyjane Intro 2 would land itself in the cases of exiled vibes on the higher shelves (or a similar graveyard), as it ranked one of your worst toys.

    Thanks again for the opportunity to work with you. I hope to hear from you soon!

    Regards,
    Micah

  11. 1) Given the job requirements, why are you an excellent fit for this position?
    I’m an excellent fit for this position because I have no problem being around toys, nudity, and porn in a mature manner. I worked in a lingerie/toy shop (Hustler Hollywood) for about a year and I have A LOT of knowledge on toys just waiting to be used. I used to attend vendor (We-vibe, Fun Factory, The Rabbit Company, Wicked, etc.) at least once a month for additional information on products. Also, if I ever needed information on a product I couldn’t get my hands on, I would read your blog! I am all in for honest opinions on toys, especially when others are curious about a certain toy being worth to be added to their collection. When it comes to working in a store, most people will be focused on just sells but I loved also providing correct, safe, and fun information.

    2) Do you consider yourself a cat person? Tell me about a time you successfully wrangled a cat.
    I LOVE cats! My baby’s name is Dorian Grey. He can be very violent but it doesn’t stop me from loving and playing with him. My cat is the only toxic relationship I will allow in my life. I am most proud of the time I successfully put Dorian into a sweater for Christmas photos without looking like I got beat up (however I did not get to take any pictures with him because I couldn’t find matching clothes for myself).

    3) Down time is a part of this job. How will you occupy yourself while I masturbate?
    I will most definitively make sure that all tasks are completed during this time, however, if I am finished with everything, I honestly don’t know.

    4) What organizational strategies would you implement in my office? In which drawer would you file away the Jimmyjane Intro 2? The Fun Factory Volta?
    I will try to keep your toys organized to your choosing. One thing I could not decide on while working at HH is how I preferd the toys to be organized in the back. I thing I ended up organizing by brand (then by type) because it was easier for me to just go to the section for Fun Factory (for example) rather than looking through every single brand that has something similar. Whatever I decide on, you will not have to worry about your drawers being a hot mess. I love organizing and making spaces as functional as possible with purpose. The Jimmyjane Intro 2 and the Fun Factory Volta can easily go into the same drawer, but like I said, I will most likely keep different brands separate.

  12. Hi Epiphora,

    Thanks for offering the opportunity to assist you in your work. I am a long-time admirer of the effort you have put into raising awareness of toxic toys and the lack of regulations in the sex toy industry, and would be thrilled to contribute as your dildo butler. As for your initial interview questions, please see my responses below.

    1. Given the job requirements, why are you an excellent fit for this position?

    I have a number of skills suited to the requirements of the position. I am a lifelong creative writer who has also trained in formal writing; I admire the pizzazz and straightforwardness with which you write your reviews. Less formally, I have also assisted friends and acquaintances as an editor, and have a talent for line edits and proofreading. In the past, I have trained in both digital and analogue photography, and have broader fine arts education to boot. My writing endeavors and prior work experience involved some self-taught coding for website management (including WordPress), both for the base structure of posts as well as to add flair. If you’re interested, I would be happy to send you an example of the work I’m willing to put in to have my words come through with the exact impact that I desire. I spent hours working to create a custom code to display emojis in a host site that didn’t support them for a chapter of a co-written work of erotica.

    As for the sexual nature of your work, I am a firm believer in appropriate boundaries and would have no trouble separating a work relationship from the environment of the job. I am comfortable being exposed to masturbation and pornography and am unbothered by human bodies and their associated bodily fluids. While my knowledge of the sex toy industry is not yet encyclopedic, I have a passion for learning about sex toys and the different manufacturers and have spent many hours researching different toys simply for the joy of chasing an interest. Relatedly, I enjoy research, am a fast learner, and don’t shy away from tedious or repetitive tasks.

    Also, butler-style formalwear delights me and I would gladly wear it as a uniform.

    2. Do you consider yourself a cat person? Tell me about a time you successfully wrangled a cat.

    I have lived with and loved many cats in my life. Most recently, I cohabitate with a persnickety, easily stressed cat to whom I have intentionally become highly attuned in order to fulfill her needs. Prior to my current living situation, we lived with another cat with whom she did not get along, and I rapidly learned to deescalate cat conflicts and soothe each cat’s individual needs. My cat requires a lot of individual attention and entertainment to keep her from acting out due to jealousy, whereas the other cat was shy and needed careful, non-threatening body language and a gentle approach to coax her into being able to relax. I had the great privilege of watching her blossom into a snuggly lovebug who will happily demand to be pet. (By the way, I have never had the opportunity to befriend a hairless cat, and I have to say that Boris is beyond adorable. I would love to meet him.)

    3. Down time is a part of this job. How will you occupy yourself while I masturbate?

    Administrative-style tasks are something I excel at, and I would be inclined to spend much of the down time at first familiarizing myself with your preexisting organizational setup to understand where I would be building from. After that, I would begin working on organizational strategies such as cataloguing all the toys in a spreadsheet and creating a reference system for easily locating each toy in moments. Additionally, I would spend time doing tasks such as preparing blog posts by inserting all the necessary links to each blog post or outside website, cleaning and charging used toys, proofreading in-progress posts, and so on.

    4. What organizational strategies would you implement in my office? In which drawer would you file away the Jimmyjane Intro 2? The Fun Factory Volta?

    Long term, I’d love to create a full inventory of your toys in a spreadsheet, cataloguing them by type, material, brand, whether they have been reviewed, and other key details. If possible, I would like to take a photograph of each toy for ease of recognition. My personal preference would be to have separate tabs on a spreadsheet for each variety of toy — butt plugs, dildos by material, bullet vibrators, etc. — and sort each tab alphabetically, but I am flexible on sorting methods and would customize it to your preferences. I grew up seeing merchandise inventories sorted by type, each with a photograph, and I believe that some of the strategies used therein could be usefully applied to your collection.

    The Fun Factory Volta would be kept either in an easily accessed drawer of top vibrators in the closet, or, should you prefer to have it right at hand, fully charged and stored in your desk. The Jimmyjane Intro 2 would land itself in the cases of exiled vibes on the higher shelves (or a similar graveyard), as it ranked one of your worst toys.

    Thanks again for the opportunity to work with you. I hope to hear from you soon!

    Regards,
    Micah

  13. Uh…Can I have your runner up as my dildo butler, but bear in mind that one of my requirements would be that errands are to be ran while I am masterbating. Yeah ya gotta be out of tha house for those sessions.

  14. Uh…Can I have your runner up as my dildo butler, but bear in mind that one of my requirements would be that errands are to be ran while I am masterbating. Yeah ya gotta be out of tha house for those sessions.

  15. Sex toy index! INSEX!

    Good ideas, yes, the Intro 2 deserves to be in the Bottom Drawers of Uselessness. Thank you for your application!

  16. Wow. You are the first to mention wearing formalwear, and as such, I am immediately VERY INTERESTED. I’m also highly impressed with your level of cat wrangling experience. Both my cats are the neediest bastards.

    Also love that you wrote code to display emojis on an erotica site. That’s exactly the kind of field experience I was looking for.

    I already have a spreadsheet of my collection, but it definitely could use some work. For example, there’s a column for MSRP but I never update it. I’ve always wanted to know the “value” of my collection…

  17. Sex toy index! INSEX!

    Good ideas, yes, the Intro 2 deserves to be in the Bottom Drawers of Uselessness. Thank you for your application!

  18. Wow. You are the first to mention wearing formalwear, and as such, I am immediately VERY INTERESTED. I’m also highly impressed with your level of cat wrangling experience. Both my cats are the neediest bastards.

    Also love that you wrote code to display emojis on an erotica site. That’s exactly the kind of field experience I was looking for.

    I already have a spreadsheet of my collection, but it definitely could use some work. For example, there’s a column for MSRP but I never update it. I’ve always wanted to know the “value” of my collection…

  19. Hi, good to hear back from you! I do love cats with such personality. They’re fun to get to know, especially when they enjoy provoking a bit of exasperation. It may amuse you to know that my to-do list app has a card entitled, “Appease the beast — this card will never be marked complete.”

    In all honesty, I really enjoy rote work along the lines of tracking down the value of each toy. I find it oddly fulfilling to put the work in to collect the lines of data. I think it would be interesting to see how the price points of the toys compare to how highly you rated them. Relating this data to the manufacturers could emphasize trends of which companies are overpricing junk and which are worth every dollar.

    I look forward to communicating with you further. Believe it or not, but I will be highly available for the next few months! My calendar is wide open. 😉

  20. Honestly, I thought you didn’t do an April Fool’s this year, because dildo butlering made perfect sense to me. You have a mighty collection that needs careful curation.

  21. Jesus Motherly Christ, I was thinking about this post today when my vibrator ran out of charge and I only just realised it was an April fools joke. It’s July…

  22. Jesus Motherly Christ, I was thinking about this post today when my vibrator ran out of charge and I only just realised it was an April fools joke. It’s July…

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