All good things must be replaced

I knew my Xtreme Pack G-spot bullet would die; it was just a matter of time. It had already outlived its price tag and the amount of times I recklessly washed it. The inevitable happened a couple weeks ago. And now, after a year and a half of wonderful times, I am laying my Xtreme Pack to rest.


It was a beautiful relationship. I acquired my Xtreme Pack in January of 2008; it was a gift, actually, for writing five reviews on EdenFantasys (yes, five). I fell in love with it immediately, and quickly became its biggest fan and advocate. I used it during every masturbation session, without fail. I used it during sex. I memorized how the batteries go in, which is something I’ve never done with any other toy.

In other words, my love for the Xtreme Pack never waned. Other sex toys came and went, but the Xtreme Pack was the one toy I always used. I held a contest to give away an Xtreme Pack, and the winner loved it. I bought an Xtreme Pack for the birthday of a fellow Twitterer (who subsequently raved about it). I recommended it to everyone, defended it at all costs, and scoffed at any review that did not see the light.

Then a couple weeks ago, amidst a masturbation session, the bullet started shorting out. I had to keep shaking it and holding it at the right angle for it to work. I could’ve switched to another bullet, but I love the Xtreme Pack too much, so I stuck with it. And it delivered the same wonderful orgasm I have always trusted it to — luckily not shorting out in the middle.

So I took a few breaths, lifted my laptop onto my nakedity, and ordered a new Xtreme Pack.1

But when I used the new Xtreme Pack, I had the unsettling sensation that things were different. Hey, I used my old one for a year and a half… my clit had that thing memorized. I noticed some decidedly minuscule physical differences such as a slightly more extreme curve to the bullet’s tip. More upsetting, however, was that the new Xtreme Pack didn’t feel as powerful as the old one. After many tests, I was certain: it was a bit weaker. Not by a lot, but enough to be noticeable.

I suddenly felt quite depressed. As though my long-standing endorsement of the Xtreme Pack was a sham. Can I keep telling people, with complete confidence, that this thing is a powerhouse? I’m not sure. It’s definitely more powerful than most bullets, and I still think it has the greatest bullet shape ever, but… the truth is this: my love affair may be fizzling. Just a little.

I contacted California Exotic Novelties asking if the Xtreme Pack had been altered since January of 2008. Surprisingly, someone actually replied:

there has not been a change on that item that I know of, but I will for sure forward your email on to the quality control department so they can look into it.

But this power issue is partly my own problem, as I’ve become more and more accustomed to stronger vibrations (thanks a lot, Hitachi). So I started plugging my new Xtreme Pack’s bullet into my Impulse Kit Bunny Arouser battery pack, which takes 3 AAs. That extra AA definitely makes a difference; however, I have become increasingly annoyed with not having an off button. I’m always turning my vibes off to tweet or change the porn or something, so an off button is muy importante.

Impulse Fantasy Kit

So I went in search of a discontinued California Exotic product I’d seen around: the Impulse Fantasy Kit. It has a bullet just like the Xtreme Pack’s; it takes a glorious 4 AAs; and it has an off button. The internet, in true internet fashion, still had many Impulse Fantasy Kits available on various shady-looking sites, despite the toy’s discontinued status.

The problem (other than the fact that it’s missing any trace of lime green) was this: almost everywhere, it was priced around $50. Considering I’ve never read a single review of it — and that I don’t know why it was discontinued — I was not willing to go there. Luckily, Twitter prevailed once again. Luscious Lily pointed me to an online sex shop, Do U Want 2 Play, which had the Impulse Fantasy Kit (complete with unstoppable MIDI music!) for $36.60. And then 20% off and free shipping. Despite the site’s 1995-like design, I figured it was legitimate enough because it accepts PayPal — and because the shipping page has a picture of a pet cat on it. Impulse Fantasy Kit: ordered.

I don’t know if the Impulse Fantasy Kit will be the answer to my need for MORE POWER. Four AAs is promising, but it’s certainly no guarantee. If this bullet is amazing, though, it will be a very bittersweet thing — how can I recommend a $50 discontinued bullet to anyone?

As for my poor friend the Xtreme Pack G-spot bullet… I’m still going to recommend it, especially to beginners, and I’m still going to use it if this Impulse Fantasy Kit sucks ass. But let this post serve as my reluctant admittance: the Xtreme Pack is not quite powerful enough to be the one love of my clit’s life anymore.

  1. Nope, I didn’t even wait to see if the shorting out was a fluke. But subsequent uses confirmed that it was not.