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  • Reviews
    Reviews

    The bread and butter of this blog: sex toy reviews! Want to browse my reviews in a different way? Check out my Toybox, consult my list of tags, or jump to the worst stuff I’ve tried or my favorites.

    A basket of fruit and vegetables (carrot, cucumber, yam, corn, bunch of bananas) in the grass, on top of a tea towel with the word "MASTURBATION" on it.

    Produce fucking: which fruit or veggie makes the best dildo?

    Lora DiCarlo Osé twisted up in the only semi-usable position. Also some others from the line: Baci, Carezza, and Filare.

    Good riddance, Lora DiCarlo

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal. Cassette player lying in the grass, surrounded by sex toys and Epiphora-labeled cassette tapes.

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

    Review: We-Vibe Touch X + Tango X

  • Guides
    Guides

    Let me teach you things! Such as how to become a savvy sex toy shopper and avoid sex toys that will poison you.

    Me holding the Lovehoney Flash and Doxy Don, demonstrating the way one moves much more visibly than the other (and thus is much rumblier).

    Buzzy vs. rumbly: the most important aspect of a vibrator

    A selection of toxic sex toys. They smell like beach balls.

    Your genitals deserve better: the case against toxic sex toys

    Epiphora’s best and worst sex toys of 2018

    September 2014: Ejaculate all over my leg and soaked through a towel from the njoy Pure Wand.

    How I know squirting is real (and also not pee)

    Colorful vibrators and kegel balls surrounded by iridescent curly ribbons.

    Epiphora’s sex toy gift-giving guide

  • Banter
    Banter

    Ramblings, usually about sex toys, sometimes about my gaping vagina, sometimes about sex-related falsehoods perpetuated by the media. Notable subcategories include Disingenuous Assholes and True Life: I’m A Sex Toy Reviewer.

    Me wearing my harness with the Vixen Creations Leo dildo inside, an orange dildo with a bat pattern.

    Queer sex party chronicles: pumpkin spice orgy

    Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool's retrospective

    Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool’s retrospective

    A circle of people wearing harnesses and dildos, arranged in a circle and shot from above. Dildos pointing into the middle.

    Queer sex party chronicles: a magical birthday

    A basket of fruit and vegetables (carrot, cucumber, yam, corn, bunch of bananas) in the grass, on top of a tea towel with the word "MASTURBATION" on it.

    Produce fucking: which fruit or veggie makes the best dildo?

    Lora DiCarlo Osé twisted up in the only semi-usable position. Also some others from the line: Baci, Carezza, and Filare.

    Good riddance, Lora DiCarlo

  • New here?
    • Get directions!
    • Greatest hits
    • Tags & categories
  • Toybox
  • All-time faves
  • Buy toys
    Buy toys
    Dildos on display, courtesy of Early to Bed, one of my favorite indie sex shops.

    Epiphora-approved sex toy shops

    Various sex toys laid out on a grey table next to a rainbow blanket, with hang tags displaying handwritten prices.

    Sex toy sales, deals, and promos

    Finn Carson and Calvin Banks kissing, on CockyBoys

    Epiphora-approved porn

  • FAQ
  • Random

Whine Time

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A keyboard spelling out "SEX." Because sex blogging = a rearranged keyboard, duh.
BanterBlogger LyfeDisingenuous AssholesFeminism's Not a Dirty WordWhine Time

PSA: Not everything I say is sexual

October 17, 2010
I know this may be hard to believe, but I am not a sex maniac. I do not have sex...
Keep Reading
True fact.
"The Industry"BanterDisingenuous AssholesWhine Time

EdenFantasys: A pattern of deception

May 21, 2010
EdenFantasys is a huge presence in the world of online sex shops. But ubiquity does not equal goodness, and behind...
Keep Reading
True fact.
"The Industry"BanterDisingenuous AssholesWhine Time

What the fuck, EdenFantasys?

May 12, 2010
Good morning to me! Hello [my legal name], Please be advised we have disabled your contributor account at EdenFantasys.com This decision...
Keep Reading
BanterSex Toy ReviewsToybox ReportsVibratorsWhine Time

The fatal flaw of the Jimmyjane Form 2

May 4, 2010
The Jimmyjane Form 2 was so close to perfect. Until it wasn’t anymore. I started noticing, while using the Form...
Keep Reading
Screenshot of HealthyStrokes.com and its highly questionable sex ed advice.
BanterFeminism's Not a Dirty WordGreatest HitsWhine Time

Thanks for the mansplanation, but I greatly prefer my vibrator

April 29, 2010
I was recently watching a video about the hymen made by Kara Sutra, in which she recommended HealthyStrokes.com for its...
Keep Reading
"The Industry"BanterTrue Life: I'm A Sex Toy ReviewerWhine Time

Watch battery bullets can suck it

April 6, 2010
Hey, watch battery bullets — have I told you lately to suck it? No? Yeah, that’s because usually when a...
Keep Reading
A keyboard spelling out "SEX." Because sex blogging = a rearranged keyboard, duh.
BanterBlogger LyfeFeminism's Not a Dirty WordTrue Life: I'm A Sex Toy ReviewerWhine Time

I blog about sex. That is not an invitation.

January 26, 2010
Yes indeed, I run what the general population would call a “sex blog.” I spend my days drafting posts about...
Keep Reading
A guy pretending to sleep in bed, with his arm around a Fleshlight mount. Am I supposed to be horrified?
"The Industry"BanterDon't Trust the HeadlinesWhine Time

Shame, Fleshlight style

October 10, 2009
Tonight I came across a link to a Gizmodo post called “I Had Sex With Furniture: The Shameful (NSFW) Fleshlight...
Keep Reading
"The Industry"BanterWhine Time

Not exactly forgiven

July 8, 2009
Some time has passed since the bulk of the hoopla with Don Wands/Glow Industries — remember the weekend of questionable...
Keep Reading
"The Industry"BanterWhine Time

Don Wands keeps digging

June 27, 2009
“Our remarks were appropriate.” —Email to me from Don Wands I knew this Don Wands fiasco was not over when I...
Keep Reading
"The Industry"BanterWhine Time

Or you could get defensive

June 26, 2009
When I write a negative review of a toy, I don’t expect to ever hear from the company that produced...
Keep Reading
BanterGiveawaysTrue Life: I'm A Sex Toy ReviewerWhine Time

Saying “dildo” on Twitter

June 18, 2009
It’s easy to forget, especially within my sex toy bubble, that there are all kinds of people on Twitter. Look...
Keep Reading
1 2

Latest posts

Epiphora's best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday!

Best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday! (2024)

Me wearing my harness with the Vixen Creations Leo dildo inside, an orange dildo with a bat pattern.

Queer sex party chronicles: pumpkin spice orgy

Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool's retrospective

Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool’s retrospective

Epiphora's Black Friday sex toy sales and deals!

Best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday! (2023)

A circle of people wearing harnesses and dildos, arranged in a circle and shot from above. Dildos pointing into the middle.

Queer sex party chronicles: a magical birthday

Recent comments

Greatest Hits

Pop Shot: Beer Lube

Screenshot of HealthyStrokes.com and its highly questionable sex ed advice.

Thanks for the mansplanation, but I greatly prefer my vibrator

Me holding the Diva Cup silicone menstrual cup, with appropriately blood-colored polish on my fingernails.

Review: Diva Cup

njoy Pure Plugs (medium and large) in a jewelry box with a bunch of gaudy bracelets and rings.

Review: Pure Plugs

Scare-tactic G-spot headlines complete with stock photos of women and feet.

An abridged guide to decoding horseshit articles about the G-spot

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