Review: Crystal Teaser

A&E Crystal Teaser vs. tweezers

It’s tiny!

A year ago, my vagina would’ve rejoiced in the size of this dildo. But now, I see a thing of this size and feel immediate disappointment. It’s only about half an inch in diameter. Smaller in diameter than a quarter. About as long as your average pen. Don’t believe me? Check out my very scientific tweezers comparison.

I have four other glass dildos, and they’re all bigger than this one — so the Adam & Eve Crystal Teaser had a lot to live up to. But hey, looks can be deceiving, and I’m always open to a new glass toy.

First, that wretched storage pouch. Fuzzy, bright red, with a drawstring. I’m glad, of course, that this toy comes with a storage pouch at all, but the truth is, this one’s pretty useless. The fabric is very thin, providing no padding whatsoever should the pouch be dropped. And the drawstring doesn’t stay closed, so just a little upside-down shake sends the dildo tumbling out (yes, I tested it). Also, the rim at the top of the pouch is fraying, which just adds to the tackiness. If you want to actually protect this dildo, you’re going to have to invest in a different pouch.

The dildo itself isn’t tacky in the least. Glass is hard to fuck up; it always looks beautiful and impressive. The dildo has a nice weight to it, a slight G-spot curve at the end, ambiguous swirls all around, and some wrinkle-like ridges near the head (trying, I think, emulate a miniature penis — not necessary, but alright). The swirls and ridges give the glass a unique look, but I quickly realized that they have no function. The toy is simply too thin for the raised lines to stimulate my vaginal walls.

Nonetheless, with the Crystal Teaser in my vag, I continued thrusting, and it was here that I found the dildo’s strength — its G-spot curve. I am still unsure about the location of my G-spot, but this curve definitely rubs against the upper region of my vaginal canal very nicely. I moved it steadily against me, but I quickly became frustrated. Almost the entire dildo was buried inside me, leaving me nothing to hold to really thrust with. A bulbous handle would’ve been greatly appreciated, although I think this toy could be truly amazing if it had several inches more length to it. It could be like a glass form of the Bgee — and trust me, that’s a good comparison. The Bgee is one of the only thin toys that can satisfy me, because I’m able to grasp its long handle and thrust vigorously.

Perhaps if you are not used to penetration, this would be a good choice (although I would more readily suggest a vibrating toy). It makes for a decent warm-up, but it doesn’t really stretch my vagina as much as it should to accommodate average-sized toys, so I would tend to suggest a slightly thicker toy for that purpose.

I can’t entirely recommend this dildo. However, I do think it would be great for an on-the-go moment. Coupled with a small and quiet bullet, it would make for an exciting lunch break. Or study break. Or bathroom break. Basically, any short masturbation session, because it feels the best when first inserted… then it slowly loses its charm as its smallness becomes more apparent.

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