When I hear the word “swan,” I think of a few things. Grace. Elegance. The color white. Bjork. Overwrought symbols of romance. Ostentatious pool floaties. And, because the folds of my brain are lined with a freakishly encyclopedic knowledge of sex toys, I think of a line of rechargeable vibrators called Swan. Swan is not the manufacturer. The toys are actually produced by BMS Factory, a company that prefers to mysteriously hide behind the names of their various toy lines. They make the favorably-reviewed Leaf and PalmPower lines, others called Pillow Talk and Lux, and the motors in some stuff from Jopen. If you’ve ever seen the phrase Powered by PowerBullet® stamped onto a sex toy box or printed in marketing materials, the toy’s made by BMS. Counter-intuitive . . . read more
Dildos with two ends. Not necessarily two ends that are meant to be in two different people at the same time.
Feeldoe More, Realdoe Stout, ShareVibe, Tango. I’ve never thought strapless strap-on dildos were the second coming of Christ. Let’s start there. I have my Joque harness, I have well-loved strap-on dildos, and I am comfortable combining those things and fucking someone silly. I’ve never felt like strap-on sex wasn’t “intimate” enough, or like I needed extra genital stimulation in order to enjoy it. For me, the pleasure comes from wielding a cock, achieving ideal positioning and thrusting, and watching myself plunge into the depths of an orifice. (I love labia, all labia, labia forever — so I will take literally any chance to ogle them.) Strapless strap-on dildos attempt to eliminate the harness aspect altogether. These double-ended toys have a bulb . . . read more
The G-Spot Lollipop J-Pop begins with a mistake — by getting way too literal about things. Always an ominous sign. Since it’s wrapped up like a fucking lollipop, I believe I’m fully within my rights to scream DO NOT PUT ACTUAL LOLLIPOPS IN YOUR VAGINA! OR POPSICLES! OR CHOCOLATE SAUCE! OR WHIPPED CREAM! It is not cute and it is only scandalous in the way that your world will be rocked by a yeast infection. Blissfully unaware of the implications of modeling a dildo after a sugary food, my cat deemed the highly crinkly plastic packaging THE BEST EVER and had a grand ol’ time pushing it across the floor. There are a slew of options when one goes to order a G-Spot . . . read more
The Number 23 is not, as you might think, a psychological thriller starring Jim Carrey, but instead a wooden dildo made by Penetralia. That’s good news, since I don’t think this dildo is quite capable of handling the responsibility of being the cause of all things in the universe. It’s an okay dildo, but it’s not that good. The Penetralia Number 66 blew my mind, so standards were high coming into this one. Like the 66, the 23 comes in an epic wooden tube that ties shut with a piece of leather. Unlike the Number 66, the Number 23’s edges are rounded and nicely curved, although you can tell the shape is slightly imperfect. The coating also isn’t as thick as on a NobEssence piece, but . . . read more
Nobody wants to know how the njoy Fun Wand is. Everyone just wants to know how the Fun Wand compares to the njoy Pure Wand. Which I think is totally fair. When your big sibling is the Pure Wand (A.K.A. one of the best things to ever enter my vagina), it’s clearly the overachiever in the family and you’re just the smaller, oddly-shaped younger sibling. The Fun Wand is also about $20 cheaper, which seems to be a draw for people originally looking at the Pure Wand. Same manufacturer, same shiny stainless steel, why not save a few bucks? Because YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND. Maintaining any semblance of objectivity with this one is hard ((…especially considering I never bother with objectivity in . . . read more
My first wooden dildo was the NobEssence Linger, a meager yet bulbous ((I just looked at my Linger review and I wrote almost this exact phrase in it. Wow, I suck.)) little thing with a finger hole. The NobEssence Allure is like a second edition of the Linger, expanded and deluxe. The finger hole has been replaced with a G-spotting bulb, and the bloops on the shaft have been enlarged, elongated, and straightened out. The G-spotting bulb: good call. I never use finger holes anyway. Best replace them with something mind-blowing! My Allure is made of Black Palm, which I’ll sadly concede is not as beautiful as I thought it would be. I had unrealistic expectations, as I’d seen a photo of . . . read more
Um… Er… How is this even… Why…? So you can express your racial preference… with a friend? No more arguing over whether you’ll use the creepy white double dong or the creepy black double dong? Or for solo use? Like, oh, I feel like fucking myself with a specifically white cock-side tonight! Also, there’s a fucking wire inside it. For twisting it into fantastical shapes. Why not.
I went through a phase where I had to try every glass dildo that crossed my path. I tried bumpy ones, swirled ones, tiny ones, pointy ones, curved ones, bulbed ones, and even one with terrifying spikes on it. The last frontier was “juicer”-style dildos, so I tried two of those. Done with that conquest, I sorta ran out of ideas. And desire. After some time away from glass, I recently returned to an old haunt: the Candy-Colored Standard Glass Dildo. This is one of those toys that fledgling sex toy reviewers drool all over. I mean, this picture of all the different colors is like sex toy reviewer porn. I distinctly remember thinking, damn, I’ll never be able to get that . . . read more
This vibrator is not purple. It is fuchsia. Let it be known. Despite every product photo ever depicting it as a nice, moderate color of purple, it is instead a bright fuchsia that made me gasp when I opened the package. I’ll survive, but I just wanted you to know. The Vanity by Jopen line is a mysterious line of luxury-style sex toys made by big-wigs California Exotic Novelties. Actually, I found out, the line was originally invented by BMS Factory and named Swan, but Cal Exotics bought the rights to it for North American distribution. To distance themselves from their sleazy reputation (for reference, they make things like this and this), Cal Exotics created a faux-company named Jopen, and each toy in the Vanity line . . . read more