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  • Reviews
    Reviews

    The bread and butter of this blog: sex toy reviews! Want to browse my reviews in a different way? Check out my Toybox, consult my list of tags, or jump to the worst stuff I’ve tried or my favorites.

    A basket of fruit and vegetables (carrot, cucumber, yam, corn, bunch of bananas) in the grass, on top of a tea towel with the word "MASTURBATION" on it.

    Produce fucking: which fruit or veggie makes the best dildo?

    Lora DiCarlo Osé twisted up in the only semi-usable position. Also some others from the line: Baci, Carezza, and Filare.

    Good riddance, Lora DiCarlo

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal. Cassette player lying in the grass, surrounded by sex toys and Epiphora-labeled cassette tapes.

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

    Review: We-Vibe Touch X + Tango X

  • Guides
    Guides

    Let me teach you things! Such as how to become a savvy sex toy shopper and avoid sex toys that will poison you.

    Me holding the Lovehoney Flash and Doxy Don, demonstrating the way one moves much more visibly than the other (and thus is much rumblier).

    Buzzy vs. rumbly: the most important aspect of a vibrator

    A selection of toxic sex toys. They smell like beach balls.

    Your genitals deserve better: the case against toxic sex toys

    Epiphora’s best and worst sex toys of 2018

    September 2014: Ejaculate all over my leg and soaked through a towel from the njoy Pure Wand.

    How I know squirting is real (and also not pee)

    Colorful vibrators and kegel balls surrounded by iridescent curly ribbons.

    Epiphora’s sex toy gift-giving guide

  • Banter
    Banter

    Ramblings, usually about sex toys, sometimes about my gaping vagina, sometimes about sex-related falsehoods perpetuated by the media. Notable subcategories include Disingenuous Assholes and True Life: I’m A Sex Toy Reviewer.

    A circle of people wearing harnesses and dildos, arranged in a circle and shot from above. Dildos pointing into the middle.

    Queer sex party chronicles: a magical birthday

    A basket of fruit and vegetables (carrot, cucumber, yam, corn, bunch of bananas) in the grass, on top of a tea towel with the word "MASTURBATION" on it.

    Produce fucking: which fruit or veggie makes the best dildo?

    Lora DiCarlo Osé twisted up in the only semi-usable position. Also some others from the line: Baci, Carezza, and Filare.

    Good riddance, Lora DiCarlo

    Porn gems: playful domination & fireside fucking

    A hand caressing the tattooed leg of a person wearing a strap-on: the New York Collective Shilo dildo.

    Queer sex party chronicles: every night a blank slate

  • New here?
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    Buy toys
    Dildos on display, courtesy of Early to Bed, one of my favorite indie sex shops.

    Epiphora-approved sex toy shops

    Various sex toys laid out on a grey table next to a rainbow blanket, with hang tags displaying handwritten prices.

    Sex toy sales, deals, and promos

    Finn Carson and Calvin Banks kissing, on CockyBoys

    Epiphora-approved porn

  • FAQ
  • Random

double-ended

Dildos with two ends. Not necessarily two ends that are meant to be in two different people at the same time.

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DildosSex Toy Reviews

Review: Share

May 26, 2009
I’m not the ideal candidate for a double-ended dildo, mainly because my boyfriend is not ready for penetration in the...
Keep Reading
The LELO Ella, a white dildo with a flat tip, lying on a dark blue sheet. It is slightly wet.
Adventures in SquirtingAnyway How's Your Sex Life?DildosGreatest HitsHi, I love youSex Toy Reviews

Review: Ella, and my first ejaculation

December 11, 2008
You always remember your first. And I’m proud to say that the LELO Ella is mine — the first toy to...
Keep Reading
NobEssence Allure wooden dildo
DildosSex Toy Reviews

Review: Allure

June 10, 2011
My first wooden dildo was the NobEssence Linger, a meager yet bulbous little thing with a finger hole. The NobEssence Allure is...
Keep Reading
Strapless strap-on dildos. Tantus Feeldoe More, Tantus Realdoe Stout, Fun Factory ShareVibe, Happy Valley Tango.
DildosGreatest HitsSex Toy ReviewsSlush pile

Why I don’t like strapless strap-on dildos

March 27, 2017
I’ve never thought strapless strap-on dildos were the second coming of Christ. Let’s start there. I have my Joque harness,...
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Sex toys getting me through the pandemic
Anyway How's Your Sex Life?BanterDildosGreatest HitsGuidesHi, I love youLube etc.Sex Toy ReviewsSunshine & RainbowsVibrators

Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

March 16, 2022
The pandemic has been a whole new time of giving-zero-fucks, and for me that’s looked like a sort of survivalist...
Keep Reading
njoy Eleven stainless steel dildo
DildosSex Toy Reviews

Review: Eleven

August 22, 2010
I don’t normally have sexual dreams, but I’ve had dreams about the njoy Eleven. They were always incredible jack-off sessions...
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DildosSex Toy Reviews

Review: Crystal Teaser

November 7, 2008
It’s tiny! A year ago, my vagina would’ve rejoiced in the size of this dildo. But now, I see a...
Keep Reading
Standard Glass Spectral Glass Dildo in RAINBOW STRIPE!
DildosSex Toy Reviews

Review: Standard Glass S Curve Spectral Glass Dildo

April 6, 2011
I went through a phase where I had to try every glass dildo that crossed my path. I tried bumpy...
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NobEssence Seduction among some green leaves.
Adventures in SquirtingDildosHi, I love youSex Toy Reviews

Review: Seduction

August 14, 2009
The S-shaped NobEssence Seduction looks more like a beautiful decorative sculpture than a dildo. Made of Purpleheart wood and sealed with...
Keep Reading
Purple aluminum dildo lying in the snow.
DildosGuest Reviews

Guest Review: Alumina Motion

June 23, 2010
Ah, the Tantus Alumina Motion. One of my favorite dildos. I gave one away in my blogiversary blowout, to an...
Keep Reading
Penetralia Number 23... and someone guarding.
DildosSex Toy Reviews

Review: Penetralia Number 23

September 10, 2012
The Number 23 is not, as you might think, a psychological thriller starring Jim Carrey, but instead a wooden dildo made by...
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DildosSex Toy Reviews

Review: Delve

February 16, 2010
Well, folks, the time has come — I’ve found a NobEssence toy that doesn’t work with my body. But it’s...
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DildosHi, I love youSex Toy Reviews

Review: Gold Ribbed Love Wand

March 11, 2008
This dildo is dishwasher safe! I find that endlessly amusing. I should preface this review with a few tidbits about...
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Jimmyjane Form 6 vibrator
Sex Toy ReviewsVibrators

Review: Form 6

June 8, 2010
I’ve been dreading writing this review. I’ve been putting it off. I’ve been typing and deleting, trying to form sentences...
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DildosSex Toy Reviews

Review: Dual Sided Swirled Rib

January 16, 2009
I’ve finally become jaded. After a plethora of impressive glass toys, my standards for glass have been raised quite a...
Keep Reading
Sex Toy ReviewsSlush pileVibrators

Review: Sydnee’s Elegant Endeavor

November 2, 2007
I never thought of masturbation as “elegant,” nor have I ever described it as an “endeavor.” Perhaps if my experience with...
Keep Reading
1 2

Latest posts

A circle of people wearing harnesses and dildos, arranged in a circle and shot from above. Dildos pointing into the middle.

Queer sex party chronicles: a magical birthday

A basket of fruit and vegetables (carrot, cucumber, yam, corn, bunch of bananas) in the grass, on top of a tea towel with the word "MASTURBATION" on it.

Produce fucking: which fruit or veggie makes the best dildo?

Lora DiCarlo Osé twisted up in the only semi-usable position. Also some others from the line: Baci, Carezza, and Filare.

Good riddance, Lora DiCarlo

Best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday!

Epiphora's orgasmic getaway giveaway! ($1,500 grand prize, 80+ prizes)

Orgasmic getaway giveaway! ($1,500 grand prize, 80+ prizes)

Recent comments

Greatest Hits

Review: Turn Me On Vibrating Panties

The Girl Next Door (2004)

Movie Night: The Girl Next Door

Fun Factory Bi Stronic Fusion pulsator on an ornate rug.

Review: Bi Stronic Fusion

Silicone dildos standing upright and proud.

My vagina is a black hole: how I learned to love penetration

The LELO Ella, a white dildo with a flat tip, lying on a dark blue sheet. It is slightly wet.

Review: Ella, and my first ejaculation

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