Review: Treeze Wave

Don Wands Treeze Wave

I used to hold to the unfounded belief that making any material vibrate would be an accomplishment. Trying the Don Wands Treeze Wave wooden vibrator, however, solidified my newly-established conviction that some materials just don’t need to vibrate — and wood is one of them.

Don Wands would like you to believe that this vibrator is made entirely of wood (hence “Treeze”…), but the truth is easily uncovered: it’s a wood/urethane hybrid. I’m proud of their unabashedness (the material type is not hidden in a small font or anything), but I’m perturbed that I have no idea what percentage is wood and what percentage is urethane. The packaging is quick to point out all the positive aspects of this toy: it’s nonporous, splinter free (uh, I’d hope so), phthalates free, waterproof, and “lubrication friendly” (uh, I’d hope so). More applause-worthy, in my opinion, is the included tan storage pouch, batteries, and packet of Wet Original lube.

The Treeze Wave’s claim to fame, other than being made of “wood,” is that its vibrator is replaceable. The black plastic vibrator unscrews from the bottom of the shaft. For some reason, I’m not impressed by this… perhaps because the vibrator is louder and more annoying than the Hitachi. Yes, I’m serious. While the Hitachi sounds like a high-pitched garage tool, this vibrator sounds like a jackhammer. It’s not as horrible once the vibrator is screwed into its “wooden” sleeve, but it’s still quite obnoxious.

During use, there were several things that got on my nerves. First, the noise. Second, the stupid push-button controls that force you to cycle through them. There are eight vibration settings — first the strongest constant vibration (for no apparent reason), then two lesser constant vibrations, and finally pulsation patterns. And third, the material feels pretty much like plastic.

You should also know that the vibrations are very strong, too strong for my vagina, and the girth of 1 1/2″ is too much for me, too. It’s all very overwhelming. I might consider recommending this to someone who likes strong vibrations and girth, but the insane price tag of $70+ stops me.

As much as it may want to be, this is nothing like a truly high-quality wooden toy (like those made by NobEssence). The wood is not unique to each piece, and it’s stained with awkward colors that look pretty in pictures but lackluster in person (I edited the photo of it, in fact, because the colors are not bright). There is no specificity to the Treeze Wave’s wood, no unique grain. It looks, instead, like a processed piece of… something. It’s not even distinguishable as wood, really.

I guess that’s my problem with the Treeze Wave. It feels entirely synthetic. The material feels like plastic, the “wood” looks fake, the vibration exists and makes sure you know it. Nothing about using the Treeze Wave feels like walking in a forest. And with wood, that’s what I want.