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    Reviews

    The bread and butter of this blog: sex toy reviews! Want to browse my reviews in a different way? Check out my Toybox, consult my list of tags, or jump to the worst stuff I’ve tried or my favorites.

    Review: We-Vibe Touch X + Tango X

    Dame Kip and Pom rechargeable silicone bullet vibrators

    Review: Dame Kip and Pom

    Review: Zumio E

    New York Toy Collective Jack 2-in-1 FTM stroker & packer

    Guest Review: Jack stroker & packer

    Review: OhMyG

  • Guides
    Guides

    Let me teach you things! Such as how to become a savvy sex toy shopper and avoid sex toys that will poison you.

    Me holding the Lovehoney Flash and Doxy Don, demonstrating the way one moves much more visibly than the other (and thus is much rumblier).

    Buzzy vs. rumbly: the most important aspect of a vibrator

    A selection of toxic sex toys. They smell like beach balls.

    Your genitals deserve better: the case against toxic sex toys

    Epiphora’s best and worst sex toys of 2018

    September 2014: Ejaculate all over my leg and soaked through a towel from the njoy Pure Wand.

    How I know squirting is real (and also not pee)

    Sex toys on top of wrapping paper.

    Epiphora’s sex toy gift-giving guide

  • Banter
    Banter

    Ramblings, usually about sex toys, sometimes about my gaping vagina, sometimes about sex-related falsehoods perpetuated by the media. Notable subcategories include Disingenuous Assholes and True Life: I’m A Sex Toy Reviewer.

    Where vibrators are born: my trip to Fun Factory in Bremen, Germany!

    Where vibrators are born: my trip to Fun Factory in Bremen, Germany!

    The current state of Early to Bed in Chicago, with packing materials amidst dildo displays.

    Dildos in a pandemic: the sex toy industry and COVID-19

    My column in the high school paper, with the headline "Breaking four years of silence." There is a rainbow gradient effect over the image.

    That time I came out to my entire high school

    My logo on top of a glorious sex toy array, on top of a turquoise vulva-esque backdrop.

    Welcome to the NEW Hey Epiphora!

    Supplies for Mirena IUD insertion laid out at the doctor's office, including forceps, lube, gloves, and the Mirena box.

    The (not so) harrowing tale of my IUD insertion

  • New here?
    • Get directions!
    • Greatest hits
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  • Buy toys
    Buy toys
    Dildos on display, courtesy of Early to Bed, one of my favorite indie sex shops.

    Epiphora-approved sex toy shops

    Various sex toys laid out on a grey table next to a rainbow blanket, with hang tags displaying handwritten prices.

    Sex toy sales, deals, and promos

    Finn Carson and Calvin Banks kissing, on CockyBoys

    Epiphora-approved porn

  • FAQ

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DildosGreatest HitsSex Toy ReviewsSlush pileVibrators

Review: OhMyG

June 16, 2020
It freaks me out to imagine the questions sex toy shoppers of today must ask themselves. The landscape of options... Keep Reading
Sex Toy ReviewsSlush pileVibrators

Review: Caress

March 13, 2020
It’s a genius name for a sex toy, because it conveys so much. Caress, like the breeze casually ruffling a... Keep Reading
LELO Sona "sonic" air flow vibrator on a flower-patterned plate.
Sex Toy ReviewsVibrators

Review: Sona Cruise

November 13, 2018
You could almost hear the collective groan from the entire sex toy industry when LELO announced the Sona. After an... Keep Reading
G-Spot Rx vibrator, a rabbit-style vibe in clinical blue, with a strange little rub on the shaft that rocks back and forth.
FeaturesGreatest HitsHell Yes / Um, No

The world’s FIRST and only REAL G-spot toy! Ever!!!

May 19, 2018
Revolutionary! Game-changing! The best! The first! The only! Companies have been wailing such nonsense since the beginning of time. Sex toy manufacturers... Keep Reading
Lowe Aurora, a sex toy that provides "low-level laser treatments" to the vulva
FeaturesGreatest HitsHell Yes / Um, No

This sex toy will “rejuvenate” your pitiful vulva for just $850

July 10, 2015
Day by day, second by second, time is destroying your vulva. Your labia are deflating like a sad soufflé. Your vagina... Keep Reading
Afterglow PulseWave vibrator showing off its useless laser light energy.
Greatest HitsSex Toy ReviewsVibrators

Review: Afterglow

February 28, 2015
I feel bad for celebrities. You’ll never hear me say that again. But they got the Afterglow in their goodie bags at the Oscars,... Keep Reading
Screenshot from the now-defunct Teddy Love crowdfunding video, of a woman touching a teddy bear's nose.
FeaturesGreatest HitsHell Yes / Um, No

Um, No: Teddy Love

June 19, 2014
This is not cute. This is not adorable. This is not acceptable. A teddy bear with a vibrating muzzle? Really? This... Keep Reading
iGino partying with a tequila shot,.
Greatest HitsSex Toy ReviewsSlush pileVibrators

Review: iGino One

December 27, 2013
OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ... Keep Reading
Revel Body sonic vibrator... plus jump drive and "competitor model."
Greatest HitsSex Toy ReviewsVibrators

Review: Revel Body

December 11, 2013
I’ve seen a ton of presumptuous sex toy marketing in my day, but I’d never seen a sex toy that... Keep Reading
Me grasping the Jopen VR1 kegel balls, with rainbow-painted nails.
Kegel ExercisersSex Toy ReviewsSlush pile

Review: Jopen Vanity VR1

November 18, 2013
The Jopen Vanity VR1 kegel balls have offended my vagina. Deeply. They are supposed to vibrate when squeezed. Oh, in my hand... Keep Reading
Wake-up Vibe on a pillow case patterned with breakfast foods.
Sex Toy ReviewsSlush pileVibrators

Review: Wake-Up Vibe

November 5, 2013
The premise alone led me to the Wake-Up Vibe. And the premise drove me away. I only tried it a handful... Keep Reading
LELO Ida vibrator in a box of various nail polishes.
Greatest HitsSex Toy ReviewsSlush pileVibrators

Review: Ida

October 10, 2013
I think my boyfriend is going to break up with me over the LELO Ida. I can see it in... Keep Reading
Jimmyjane Little Chroma on top of my blender.
Greatest HitsSex Toy ReviewsSlush pileVibrators

Review: Little Chroma

July 9, 2012
The Jimmyjane Little Chroma is a scam. Not like your “friend” emailing you in distress because they’re stranded in London.... Keep Reading
Wahl, Hitachi, Rock Box
Greatest HitsSex Toy ReviewsSlush pileVibrators

Review: Rock Box

May 21, 2012
Lovehoney sure likes to keep secrets from me. First it was the Sqweel, and now the ominously-named Rock Box, which I... Keep Reading
Greatest HitsKegel ExercisersSex Toy ReviewsSlush pileVibrators

Review: Intensity

April 11, 2012
The Intensity, as the fable goes, did not begin as a sex toy. It began as a medical apparatus used... Keep Reading
LELO Lyla remote controlled vibrator, lying in the grass in Maui.
Sex Toy ReviewsSlush pileVibrators

Review: Lyla

December 28, 2011
Soaring hope followed by crushing despair. That’s the LELO Lyla. The first ever rechargeable wireless egg, meant for insertion in... Keep Reading
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Review: We-Vibe Touch X + Tango X

Sex toy Black Friday + Cyber Monday sales!

Dame Kip and Pom rechargeable silicone bullet vibrators

Review: Dame Kip and Pom

Sex toy survival kits for the apocalypse winners!

Giveaway: sex toy survival kits for the apocalypse

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