Review: Jopen Vanity VR1

Me grasping the Jopen VR1 kegel balls, with rainbow-painted nails.

The Jopen Vanity VR1 kegel balls have offended my vagina. Deeply.

They are supposed to vibrate when squeezed. Oh, in my hand they do. In my hand they do. In my vagina, no matter how hard I clench, they don’t.

This is an affront to my vagina and its power.

Ugh, Jopen. I both hate and love you and that is just uncool. I don’t appreciate having to be nuanced. Not my specialty.

It’s ironic because the VR1 balls are not nuanced at all. There is but one sensor, on the big ball in the middle on one side. So I turned the balls around. I inserted just one ball. I squeezed like my vagina’s reputation depended on it. Nothing.

You can’t tell me that my PC muscles just aren’t toned enough. I’m the person squeezing the life out of every dildo I use, wringing G-spot stimulation even from things that rightfully should not give it to me. The blame rests solely with the VR1.

Outside of my vag, I turned the vibrations onto constant and inserted the balls again. I’m used to vibrating things inside of me, as you might imagine, but the timbre of the noise was disconcerting as fuck: a high-pitched hum like when the sky went purple in LOST that made me feel like I’d turned into a white noise machine or Razr phone.

I felt like the whole world could hear my snatchbuzz. I did a test, and my boyfriend could hear it humming inside of me all the way across the apartment, end to end, with walls and cats and clothes in between.

This is not pleasure.

As I was finagling with the balls, pulling them out like any normal user would, the silicone sheath around the retrieval string popped out of its socket. Apparently, underneath, there is… fishing line.

All of this can be yours for the low low price of $135!!!

Why do so many vaginal balls fail? I got the new Toyfriend Trainer balls, and they suck. I got the Maia Silicone Balls, and they suck. For years, I’ve been trying to find kegel balls that could top the first ones I tried and loved, the LELO Luna Beads, but the closest I’ve come is a few cheap-o ones, like these and these.

Jopen tacks on over $100 more because their product is rechargeable, it’s “innovative” (AIR QUOTES FOR MILES), and let’s face it — because they can. My vagina’s getting reeeeeal tired of this shit.