Me, masturbating: uh, don’t mind me, I’m just over here jamming this ugly-ass hairbrush-lookin’ thing against my vulva in a feeble attempt to orgasm. And I’m failing, friends. I’m failing and I’m angry. Me, writing: my fingers tingle with impending rage as I hover over the keyboard. I’m looking for a word. Like “disappointing” only meaner. Like “frustrating” but 100 times worse. Abhorrent? Heinous? Exasperating? Disgraceful? Language can’t fail me now, not when so much is at stake. Not when there’s still a possibility that some human on earth might buy the Queen Bee. The Queen Bee is the first vulva-specific vibrator made by Hot Octopuss, a company known for trying to make the word “Guybrator” happen penis toys such as the Pulse. Their products . . . read more

I’m on edge, watching my every move. Like the first day on a new job. Like the feds are after me. Like a driving test. Like masturbating at age 15. But I am not actually in a high-stress situation. I just have something in my vagina. And its name is Evi. The Aneros Evi is a… kegel exerciser. Imagine me saying that with the same sort of hesitance in my voice as when I say “don’t worry, I can kill that spider” or “surely the Republicans can’t continue standing by him after this.” In actuality, the Evi is more defined by what it is not: it is not a butt plug (although it looks just like one), and it is . . . read more

My clit is a pretty sensitive creature. You’re going to need to know this going in. Take notes for the final test. When I haven’t had an orgasm yet, I can usually come during one of the lower settings of a vibrator — generally speaking, with good vibrators. I’ve been known to “just get the first orgasm out of the way” during my masturbation sessions; I’ve accepted that I come quickly at the beginning, so I figure, why fight it? The We-Vibe Gala doesn’t even get me there. Even when it’s my first toy of the night. When I haven’t come yet. When I’m watching pretty boys blow each other in a fort or fuck passionately by an outdoor fireplace. It . . . read more

You’re mid-masturbation and you’ve forgotten what it’s like for orgasm to feel achievable. You’re doing everything right, theoretically: the vibrator’s cranked up to its highest intensity, held faithfully against the favored side of your clit. You’re watching queer porn. Your vulva is well-lubricated. The cats are at bay. There is no reason this should be unpleasant. Except that the vibrator you’re using is absolute shit. Does it even qualify as a vibrator, really? These “vibrations” are pathetic and so, so buzzy. It’d be laughable if it wasn’t so sad. Actually, the emotion you feel is irritation — and it’s tainting everything. You become inordinately annoyed at the porn for daring to jump between sex and interviews; you need all the eroticism you can . . . read more

Wipe the stars from your eyes. Dash your dreams. Give up all hope. It sounds perfect on paper: a beautiful marrying of motion and vibration. A self-thrusting shaft and a vibrating clitoral stimulator all in one sex toy, from the company that brought us the truly innovative and actually life-altering Stronic Eins. I was optimistic, believe me, just like you. But oh my god, the Fun Factory Bi Stronic Fusion is a deeply disappointing sex toy. Its insertable portion is flawless — that’s the hard truth — but its clitoral portion is absolutely unforgivable. Terrible aim, dismal vibrations. We have here an ingenious thing wrecked by an ill-fated modification, like dill pickle soup made with too much pickle juice, or Facebook now that your racist relatives are allowed to . . . read more

Why does Jimmyjane still exist? That’s mean. I know. I should delete that. I should write a new first sentence, something less hopeless and definitive. But sitting down to tell you about Jimmyjane’s recent releases, that is the question that pops into my head. Why, year after year, do they create products with little to no understanding of human needs? Why do they fail to improve upon anything, to move forward in any meaningful way? Why do they insist upon peddling $4,000 bouncy sex castles and $35,000 private jet rides rather than getting people off? Take, for instance, the Form 5. This is the fifth vibrator in the Form series, after we’ve been subjected to a glitchy tooth, malformed tongue, bowling pin, and an insertable vibrator with its . . . read more

Just as I am not a lube connoisseur, I am also not a condom connoisseur. I haven’t tried a ton of them and don’t feel strongly about any particular brand. So when I was contacted by Unique Condom, I thought it would be best if I enlisted the help of friends, fellow bloggers, and brave souls who follow me on Twitter. Plus, it would create a sample size of humans that would be hard to discount. Yep — on this one, you can’t just blame my picky vagina (although I know how much you guys love my vagina). The Unique Condom is a non-latex (synthetic polyethylene resin) condom that comes in a credit card sized package. It’s $7.99 for the 3-pack, . . . read more

Unreliable. That’s the word I’d use to describe the LELO Smart Wands. Not an adjective you want applied to any vibrator, but especially not an expensive one in a category of toy which is relied upon for quick, effortless orgasms. These so-called “Smart” Wands… are pretty dumb. You can’t tell from that artsy-ass photo I took, but the medium Smart Wand is about half the size of the large one, at 9″ long and 1.7″ in diameter at the head, versus the large’s 12″ and 2.4″. The large comes in the most enormous LELO box I’ve ever seen. Both come with storage bags, but the medium gets the usual satin, while the large gets an odd neoprene that reminds me of knee pads. Because . . . read more

This sex toy is everything I hate. Cutesy. Twee. Pink. Girly. Symbolic. I want to chuck it into a river. So why am I reviewing it? Oh, I have my reasons. Listen to Tommy with a candle burning and they will become clear. I’ll just say this: treat sex toy reviewers like garbage, and we’ll retaliate with a fucking brick wall of links. Like, we will ruin your Google reputation. Not that the Cupcake needs any help. Its shitty icing and stupid cherry and buried vibrations speak for themselves. It comes in a metal tin with a tiny pin-up girl booklet. What? Isn’t that what you want with your vibrator? No? Why? AREN’T YOU A WOMAN? Sorry, this is actually the manual. Which alerts . . . read more