Imagine a cat with its head tilted to the side in puzzlement. That is me whenever I use the LELO Hula Beads… only a lot less cute. It’s a head tilt that turns to a subtle wince that melts into a side eye and ends with a weary sigh. The confusion begins with the fact that the Hula Beads are not kegel exercisers, I guess, but are still called Beads, just like LELO’s wonderful Luna Beads kegel balls. The Hula Beads are shaped like conjoined orbs, but that’s where the similarity ends. So what are they? They’re rechargeable, waterproof, remote-controlled thing-a-ma-bobs that you insert vaginally and can wear around. For… pleasure? The smaller tip rotates and the base vibrates. There’s no way to turn the . . . read more

In this episode of True Life: I’m a Sex Toy Reviewer, I am in disbelief as I unbox this sex machine, because I still don’t believe that someone would send this to me, ever, let alone for free… But there it is. A Sybian. In all its hulking glory. Safe and sound, with the grotesque attachments neatly folded into a ziploc. It’s smaller than I imagined, but still quite a beast. It’s heavy, it’s loud, and the puny “handles” on the sides are laughable. I don’t know where I’m going to store it, and my boyfriend will never forgive me for acquiring yet another huge sex accessory. Too bad. If someone offers you a Sybian, you say yes. This is law. You . . . read more

I think my boyfriend is going to break up with me over the LELO Ida. I can see it in his eyes. The despair. The dread. When I say, “hey, you know what we should do?” his features fall because he’s afraid I’m going to say “have sex.” But instead I say, “watch Orange Is The New Black” or “boil the potatoes for dinner” and all is forgiven. For now. Named after a long-ago-discontinued toy in LELO’s first line, Ida sounds like a cute grandmother rather than a sex toy that’s gonna rock your relationship to its core. Don’t be deceived. Marketed as a “couples’” toy, Ida has a 3″ long, 1″ wide shaft that rotates (“like the constantly-wagging finger of . . . read more

[Update: I reviewed it. The prognosis is bad.] So I have this in my possession: And yes, that is exactly what it does. It swivels and swivels and swivels. It never stops. There is actually no way to turn off the rotation. (I mean, unless you count turning the toy off entirely.) I’ve been trying to get some last-minute testing in before CatalystCon, but it’s been hard to find time. And a willing penis. Because the idea is that a penis can fit in my vagina alongside this thing. You know, while making love. So my thoughts on this strange new device will have to wait until after I get back. For now, I invite you to take bets on my . . . read more

[You may be able order this toy on Amazon, although it has been discontinued.] There’s no denying the cute factor of the Fun Factory Sally Seal. While some people may think animal shaped vibes are too absurd, I just find them amusing. I love that Sally Seal’s body is contorted so oddly to accommodate the stipulations of a rabbit vibrator. Then there’s that cheeky smile and the softness of 100% silicone. First impressions are good here. I was previously wowed by Fun Factory’s Corsar, a smallish silicone vibe with a good variety of vibration settings. Sally Seal certainly excels when it comes to presentation, just as Corsar did; it’s adorable, and it comes in a nice box that includes an instructional booklet and . . . read more

[This toy has been discontinued. Browse the rabbits tag for more reviews of dual vibes.] The Royal Wizard from California Exotic Novelties has an intriguing shape and an interesting texture; it has a slightly curved head with a narrow shaft, and its deep blue body is accented with raised pink stripes. It doesn’t look like a penis, and the clit teaser isn’t supposed to be any sort of animal, so it’s a somewhat unusual-looking sex toy, which I’m fond of. This vibrator is made out of TPR (thermoplastic rubber), so it isn’t a high-end 100% silicone toy. But it is my first rabbit vibrator and my first rotating sex toy, so I was excited to give it a whirl. The package . . . read more