Apr 292010
 

I was recently watching a video about the hymen made by Kara Sutra, in which she recommended HealthyStrokes.com for its hymen gallery. A’ight, sounds sex-positive and cool. I’m there. The site is straight out of 1995, but the hymen gallery looks good. Hmm, the webmaster also gives sex advice to youngins; that’s cool…

…wait a second. Did this guy just say that people who have anal sex “frequently get feces and anal matter all over”? Did he actually just say that anal sex is “the most dangerous sexual practice” and that “it will hurt, and you will probably bleed profusely”? Did he really just use the argument that the butt is for poop and poop only? Oh man, this guy is ORIGINAL.

And, as I found, that is just the beginning.

Now, I’ll give this guy a couple ounces of credit — he is generally okay with young people masturbating, and he didn’t laugh at a girl who said she gets turned on by the cries of babies. But his views on female masturbation (derived, clearly, from absolutely nothing legitimate) are so fucked up, so irritating, and so detrimental, that I want to punch him in the face.

It is, truly, mansplaining at its finest.

I want to masturbate, but I don’t have a vibrator or anything. What can I use that I have that can make me have an orgasm? (age 16)
How about these? The girls your age who are best at orgasm use them.

Um...

What. the. fuck. “Best at orgasm”? A shitty .jpg of prepubescent hands lying creepily on satin? Really, guy? Is that from your personal child porn collection?

This douche claims, time and again, that there is a “conventional” way to masturbate, that is with HANDS and HANDS ONLY. He throws out completely unsubstantiated “statistics,” such as “girls who learn to use their hands do better at intercourse than those who use objects or running water” (yes, do better at intercourse). And don’t even get him started on vibrators, because “a vibrator is a defective way to have an orgasm,” and you’ll suffer from “vibrator fatigue.” Masturbating face-down is a complete no-go, too, as it is indicative of Traumatic Masturbatory Syndrome.

As is typical in mansplaining cases, it does not matter what women/girls actually experience or know. It really doesn’t matter if they derive more pleasure from certain techniques above others. All of this is female folly that needs to be trumped with a heavy dose of mansplaining, complete with negation of all the joy and independence that women can achieve with masturbation.

I like to masturbate with a vibrator on my clitoris but find that I have stronger orgasms if I also have an object in my vagina. The more full I feel, the more intense the orgasm. Is it normal to insert large objects (e.g., water bottle approx. 2.5″ in diameter) into my vagina? I use lube so that the objects can be inserted more easily. (age 24)
You are not the only one who does that, but I have to believe you are overdoing it. I advise people to use as little stimulation as necessary to produce orgasm. That policy helps them when they have sex with a partner and are not as able to control everything. Generally, people who are used to a lot of stimulation are unable to be sexually successful under such circumstances, while those who are used to only a small amount of stimulation can. It would be a good idea to try to get away from using both the bottle and the vibrator at once. Surely you would rather have an orgasm that involves barely touching your privates.

Surely. Who wouldn’t!?! Entirely scientific poll: who out there prefers orgasms that come from “barely touching your privates”?

All of you? THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT. IRREFUTABLE FACT.

I masturbate with a back massager, and I’ve always wanted to know if that’s good or bad. I have really good orgasms and I can masturbate up to 30 times a day. (age 13)
I think it’s bad. You should be developing a healthy sexuality so you can successfully have sex with a partner someday. I don’t think a massager helps you do that.

Ah yes, intercourse! The holy grail of sexual pleasure! The goal of all things! Your current pleasure: FAIL. Only losers orgasm 30 times a day.

I masturbate about 3-4 times a week when I’m in the shower. I use the shower spray against my clit and I get amazing oragasms. I am great with my hands but the shower is so amazing. Is this dangerous? Should I stop doing it? (age 14)
I think you’re better off if you don’t. It’s not a feeling you’ll ever have with a partner. It’s good that you’re great with your hands. Why don’t you make a pledge to only masturbate that way from now on.

Yes, why don’t you make a pledge? ‘Cause those always work.

I want to try masturbating internally, and you suggest starting with your fingers, but I am not comfortable using my fingers. What should I do? (age 22)
I suspect you would be even less comfortable with objects. The middle ground might be the fingers of a male partner who could get your insides nice and warm. Then you could give your hands a try.

This enrages me. First of all, buddy, she just told you that she doesn’t want to use her fingers. Objects are a lot more comfortable for a lot of people, so shut your fucking face. Second, I’m glad you’re now assuming that she has a partner, and that that partner is male. Third, “nice and warm”? Is this shit for real? I want to die.

And it gets worse. Much, much worse. Doug (yup, that’s his name) has some really golden advice for girls who are struggling during masturbation. Usually this advice involves waiting for an orgasm to sneak up on you, like they do:

  • To someone who has never had an orgasm: “Just try to enjoy masturbating and perhaps an orgasm will happen when you least expect it.” And no, this is not a one-off answer — this is his answer for anyone who can’t orgasm. Another one: “Just keep up the touches when it feels good, and better feelings and orgasms will come in time.”
  • To someone who wants to know how to get wet: “It might also be your body isn’t producing enough of those fluids yet. Wait another year. You might start lubricating when you least expect it.” (That’s reassuring.)
  • And to everyone who can’t orgasm using their hands and asks for other suggestions: “It would be better if you could learn to use your hands.”

Indeed, back to masturbating DOUG’S WAY!

I have a dildo, and I put a sheet around the dildo and put it inside my vagina that way. It feels so much better. Is this way of masturbation wrong or unhealthy? (age 13)
I think the dildo being too uncomfortable means you’re too young for it. It would be more healthy for you to learn to use your hands.

Actually, it means this chick is crafty and awesome.

In the past year or so I have gotten more and more desperate for a real sex toy . . . I have used brushes, small things, plastic-pipe like things and all kinds of things. I desperately need a real dildo but my mom isn’t the type that would permit me to buy such a thing. (age 15)
A “real dildo” is just a different kind of improvisational toy like you’re using now. I think you would be very disappointed at how it feels . . .

Um. Not if that dildo is the Pure Wand. Not if that dildo is made of VixSkin. Not if that dildo is ANYTHING EXCEPT A PLASTIC FUCKING PIPE.

I’ve taken a tally of masturbation aids/techniques that are not acceptable to Doug at HealthyStrokes.com.

Unacceptable: running water, back massagers, toothbrushes, squeezing thighs/legs together, underwear used as a barrier (“most females don’t do that”), hairbrushes, a film cylinder used for clit suction, lying on the floor (“I suspect you are doing something wrong.”), rubbing a computer chair, humping pillows, clothespins/clips used on clit (“I have never heard of anyone doing that. I can’t imagine it’s good.”), being in the woods. Things that are randomly, sometimes acceptable: candles, carrots, cucumbers, and of course, MOTHERFUCKING HANDS.

And then there are certain times when breaking the rules and engaging in watery masturbation is totes okay. And those times are… creepy incestuous times:

Over the holiday break, I was home alone taking a shower, and I decided to masturbate. About 5 minutes into it, my 18 year old brother and two of his friends walked in. I came in front of all three of them (and I kinda liked being watched actually, not that I’d tell my brother that) but he threw me a towel, sent his friends out of the room, and 2 days later he bought me a vibrator! (age 15)
What a great brother. And to think the best I ever did for my sister was install a phone in her room.

I have no words. But that was not a fluke…

Does puberty make your face prettier?
I am inclined to say that it does.

I’m 23 and have always been attracted to much older men . . .
And I like younger women who are attracted to much older men! Isn’t that a nice coincidence? . . .

. . . Even in my memory of my birthday party at age 5, I couldn’t wait for it to be over so I could be alone and masturbate. I’m still a virgin. Anyway, is it too much? (age 19)
. . . If I ever get invited to your birthday party, I will make sure you had a really nice time and won’t wish to be alone.

Um.

Oh! Let’s talk about the G-spot! Which Doug knows absolutely nothing about!

. . . I was wondering about the G-spot. Specifically, how do I know I’ve found it and if I can actually stimulate it sufficiently during masturbation? I thought I found it earlier this week; it was about the size of a small walnut and very ridged and firm. Is this it? (age 19)
The G-spot doesn’t have any particular feel. That’s why it’s so hard to find. It’s merely a very sensitive spot on the upper surface of the vagina. You’ll know you’ve found it when it stroking it consistently gives you more intense orgasms. It’s most likely to be active right after an orgasm has begun.

Congrats, you win Mansplainer of the Decade for that answer. That thing you felt? No, not your G-spot. How do I know? I AM MAN. Also, “right after an orgasm has begun”? Wut? Sadly, it gets worse when it comes to squirting. According to him, “females don’t ejaculate.” Which must mean…

Sometimes I masturbate with a massager. It feels great and I always have multiple orgasms . . . I also orgasm so strongly that I urinate. Is this normal? (age 37)
You urinate because you don’t have adequate control of your pelvic muscles . . . You ought to concentrate on masturbating with your hands and doing Kegel exercises to get control of your pelvic muscles.

I’ve found that every time I masturbate or am having oral with a guy I feel like I need to go to the toilet but nothing actually comes out. Is this normal? (age 19)
It’s normal for males to have to urinate after ejaculating, but I’ve never heard this from a female. It might be a conditioned response. Just stay away from the toilet for a while and you can un-condition yourself.

Yes, he really did just suggest that a woman not go pee after sex. Great. She’s gonna be sucking down cranberry juice in no time.

The most terrifying thing, of course, is that people are reading this site and absorbing his shitty opinions. There are heaps upon heaps of questions from young girls wanting to know if they are going to be failures later on in life because of how they masturbate. The implied answer is usually yes.

I sometimes masturbate with a Jacuzzi jet. You say that that kind of feeling can’t be replicated with a man. What do you mean? (age 14)
A man brings a woman to orgasm in intercourse by his penis stimulating her clitoris and/or her vaginal walls. This is nothing like the feeling of a bathroom faucet, let alone a powerful water jet, against a woman’s clitoris. A woman who’s used to stimulation by running water is unlikely to be satisfied by sexual intercouse. The pressure from a man rubbing his penis against and inside her is simply no comparison to water pressure.

So, recap. Masturbation is only preparation for having intercourse with teh MENZ. This is why you should try to only buy the most realistic of dildos, and never vaginally insert anything larger than a penis. And if you’re doing something to yourself that can’t be replicated by a man’s penis1, no matter how good it feels, YOU’D BETTER STOP, because you are “stimulating yourself  in a way that will be impossible with a partner.”

Yes, IMPOSSIBLE. Because a partner could certainly never use a sex toy on you! A sex toy could never be incorporated into sex! Dear god, no!

So what happens once you finally reach the holy grail of being able to come during sex? Well, sorry — you’re still a fuck up.

I can only achieve an orgasm when I’m with a guy when I’m on top and he is sitting up. Is that normal? (age 18)
The position you describe gives you a lot of control, which makes it easier for someone to reach orgasm. You’d enjoy it more if you could learn to reach orgasm in other positions.

And don’t worry, even if you ask him a question that could never actually be answered in any reasonable way, he will have an OPINION!!!.

Do girls have more pleasure than boys during masturbation? (female, age 15)
That’s a really interesting question! I’d be inclined to say boys do, based on the percentage of male masturbation that results in orgasm (more than 99%) versus a smaller level for females.

DO YOU KNOW WHY WE HAVE LESS ORGASMS? Because of people like you, douchebag, telling us there is one “conventional way” of getting off, and that way involves the least amount of stimulation imaginable. What the fuck? What the fuck. Ugh, what the fuck.

In case you need more reasons to hate this guy, here is a megalist I compiled: he is vaguely homophobic, attributes any kind of vaginal bleeding to “erosion of the hymen,” asserts that you will know you’re having an orgasm because “your nipples will erect,” considers “external” and “internal” masturbation as things that are apparently NEVER DONE AT THE SAME TIME, scoffs at anyone who engages in what he labels the “female superior intercourse position,” claims that the biological purpose of the hymen is to “serve as an indicator of whether or not a young girl has been sexually violated,” and never gives people in potentially sexually abusive situations any resources.

I’m sure there are thousands of other reasons, since I didn’t have the stomach to even delve into the male masturbation section. But at least I can take solace in one thing.

Are you married? (age 25)
No. 🙁

Readers, please chime in. Do you engage in any of the terrible, terrible masturbation techniques condemned by Mansplainer of the Decade? Do you take the “watery shortcut“? Do you hump pillows? Masturbate through your underwear? Use sex toys? VIBRATORS? Is your sex life subsequently in ruins?

And those who stick to masturbating with their fingers (and probably aren’t reading this blog), do you have AMAZING FUCKING MINDBLOWING SEX?

I can only assume so.

  1. And don’t even try to argue with him about how the penis can reach the clit during sex, or he’ll just pull out a freakish analogy involving sticking fingers in ears. []
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