Apr 292010
 

I was recently watching a video about the hymen made by Kara Sutra, in which she recommended HealthyStrokes.com for its hymen gallery. A’ight, sounds sex-positive and cool. I’m there. The site is straight out of 1995, but the hymen gallery looks good. Hmm, the webmaster also gives sex advice to youngins; that’s cool…

…wait a second. Did this guy just say that people who have anal sex “frequently get feces and anal matter all over”? Did he actually just say that anal sex is “the most dangerous sexual practice” and that “it will hurt, and you will probably bleed profusely”? Did he really just use the argument that the butt is for poop and poop only? Oh man, this guy is ORIGINAL.

And, as I found, that is just the beginning.

Now, I’ll give this guy a couple ounces of credit — he is generally okay with young people masturbating, and he didn’t laugh at a girl who said she gets turned on by the cries of babies. But his views on female masturbation (derived, clearly, from absolutely nothing legitimate) are so fucked up, so irritating, and so detrimental, that I want to punch him in the face.

It is, truly, mansplaining at its finest.

I want to masturbate, but I don’t have a vibrator or anything. What can I use that I have that can make me have an orgasm? (age 16)
How about these? The girls your age who are best at orgasm use them.

Um...

What. the. fuck. “Best at orgasm”? A shitty .jpg of prepubescent hands lying creepily on satin? Really, guy? Is that from your personal child porn collection?

This douche claims, time and again, that there is a “conventional” way to masturbate, that is with HANDS and HANDS ONLY. He throws out completely unsubstantiated “statistics,” such as “girls who learn to use their hands do better at intercourse than those who use objects or running water” (yes, do better at intercourse). And don’t even get him started on vibrators, because “a vibrator is a defective way to have an orgasm,” and you’ll suffer from “vibrator fatigue.” Masturbating face-down is a complete no-go, too, as it is indicative of Traumatic Masturbatory Syndrome.

As is typical in mansplaining cases, it does not matter what women/girls actually experience or know. It really doesn’t matter if they derive more pleasure from certain techniques above others. All of this is female folly that needs to be trumped with a heavy dose of mansplaining, complete with negation of all the joy and independence that women can achieve with masturbation.

I like to masturbate with a vibrator on my clitoris but find that I have stronger orgasms if I also have an object in my vagina. The more full I feel, the more intense the orgasm. Is it normal to insert large objects (e.g., water bottle approx. 2.5″ in diameter) into my vagina? I use lube so that the objects can be inserted more easily. (age 24)
You are not the only one who does that, but I have to believe you are overdoing it. I advise people to use as little stimulation as necessary to produce orgasm. That policy helps them when they have sex with a partner and are not as able to control everything. Generally, people who are used to a lot of stimulation are unable to be sexually successful under such circumstances, while those who are used to only a small amount of stimulation can. It would be a good idea to try to get away from using both the bottle and the vibrator at once. Surely you would rather have an orgasm that involves barely touching your privates.

Surely. Who wouldn’t!?! Entirely scientific poll: who out there prefers orgasms that come from “barely touching your privates”?

All of you? THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT. IRREFUTABLE FACT.

I masturbate with a back massager, and I’ve always wanted to know if that’s good or bad. I have really good orgasms and I can masturbate up to 30 times a day. (age 13)
I think it’s bad. You should be developing a healthy sexuality so you can successfully have sex with a partner someday. I don’t think a massager helps you do that.

Ah yes, intercourse! The holy grail of sexual pleasure! The goal of all things! Your current pleasure: FAIL. Only losers orgasm 30 times a day.

I masturbate about 3-4 times a week when I’m in the shower. I use the shower spray against my clit and I get amazing oragasms. I am great with my hands but the shower is so amazing. Is this dangerous? Should I stop doing it? (age 14)
I think you’re better off if you don’t. It’s not a feeling you’ll ever have with a partner. It’s good that you’re great with your hands. Why don’t you make a pledge to only masturbate that way from now on.

Yes, why don’t you make a pledge? ‘Cause those always work.

I want to try masturbating internally, and you suggest starting with your fingers, but I am not comfortable using my fingers. What should I do? (age 22)
I suspect you would be even less comfortable with objects. The middle ground might be the fingers of a male partner who could get your insides nice and warm. Then you could give your hands a try.

This enrages me. First of all, buddy, she just told you that she doesn’t want to use her fingers. Objects are a lot more comfortable for a lot of people, so shut your fucking face. Second, I’m glad you’re now assuming that she has a partner, and that that partner is male. Third, “nice and warm”? Is this shit for real? I want to die.

And it gets worse. Much, much worse. Doug (yup, that’s his name) has some really golden advice for girls who are struggling during masturbation. Usually this advice involves waiting for an orgasm to sneak up on you, like they do:

  • To someone who has never had an orgasm: “Just try to enjoy masturbating and perhaps an orgasm will happen when you least expect it.” And no, this is not a one-off answer — this is his answer for anyone who can’t orgasm. Another one: “Just keep up the touches when it feels good, and better feelings and orgasms will come in time.”
  • To someone who wants to know how to get wet: “It might also be your body isn’t producing enough of those fluids yet. Wait another year. You might start lubricating when you least expect it.” (That’s reassuring.)
  • And to everyone who can’t orgasm using their hands and asks for other suggestions: “It would be better if you could learn to use your hands.”

Indeed, back to masturbating DOUG’S WAY!

I have a dildo, and I put a sheet around the dildo and put it inside my vagina that way. It feels so much better. Is this way of masturbation wrong or unhealthy? (age 13)
I think the dildo being too uncomfortable means you’re too young for it. It would be more healthy for you to learn to use your hands.

Actually, it means this chick is crafty and awesome.

In the past year or so I have gotten more and more desperate for a real sex toy . . . I have used brushes, small things, plastic-pipe like things and all kinds of things. I desperately need a real dildo but my mom isn’t the type that would permit me to buy such a thing. (age 15)
A “real dildo” is just a different kind of improvisational toy like you’re using now. I think you would be very disappointed at how it feels . . .

Um. Not if that dildo is the Pure Wand. Not if that dildo is made of VixSkin. Not if that dildo is ANYTHING EXCEPT A PLASTIC FUCKING PIPE.

I’ve taken a tally of masturbation aids/techniques that are not acceptable to Doug at HealthyStrokes.com.

Unacceptable: running water, back massagers, toothbrushes, squeezing thighs/legs together, underwear used as a barrier (“most females don’t do that”), hairbrushes, a film cylinder used for clit suction, lying on the floor (“I suspect you are doing something wrong.”), rubbing a computer chair, humping pillows, clothespins/clips used on clit (“I have never heard of anyone doing that. I can’t imagine it’s good.”), being in the woods. Things that are randomly, sometimes acceptable: candles, carrots, cucumbers, and of course, MOTHERFUCKING HANDS.

And then there are certain times when breaking the rules and engaging in watery masturbation is totes okay. And those times are… creepy incestuous times:

Over the holiday break, I was home alone taking a shower, and I decided to masturbate. About 5 minutes into it, my 18 year old brother and two of his friends walked in. I came in front of all three of them (and I kinda liked being watched actually, not that I’d tell my brother that) but he threw me a towel, sent his friends out of the room, and 2 days later he bought me a vibrator! (age 15)
What a great brother. And to think the best I ever did for my sister was install a phone in her room.

I have no words. But that was not a fluke…

Does puberty make your face prettier?
I am inclined to say that it does.

I’m 23 and have always been attracted to much older men . . .
And I like younger women who are attracted to much older men! Isn’t that a nice coincidence? . . .

. . . Even in my memory of my birthday party at age 5, I couldn’t wait for it to be over so I could be alone and masturbate. I’m still a virgin. Anyway, is it too much? (age 19)
. . . If I ever get invited to your birthday party, I will make sure you had a really nice time and won’t wish to be alone.

Um.

Oh! Let’s talk about the G-spot! Which Doug knows absolutely nothing about!

. . . I was wondering about the G-spot. Specifically, how do I know I’ve found it and if I can actually stimulate it sufficiently during masturbation? I thought I found it earlier this week; it was about the size of a small walnut and very ridged and firm. Is this it? (age 19)
The G-spot doesn’t have any particular feel. That’s why it’s so hard to find. It’s merely a very sensitive spot on the upper surface of the vagina. You’ll know you’ve found it when it stroking it consistently gives you more intense orgasms. It’s most likely to be active right after an orgasm has begun.

Congrats, you win Mansplainer of the Decade for that answer. That thing you felt? No, not your G-spot. How do I know? I AM MAN. Also, “right after an orgasm has begun”? Wut? Sadly, it gets worse when it comes to squirting. According to him, “females don’t ejaculate.” Which must mean…

Sometimes I masturbate with a massager. It feels great and I always have multiple orgasms . . . I also orgasm so strongly that I urinate. Is this normal? (age 37)
You urinate because you don’t have adequate control of your pelvic muscles . . . You ought to concentrate on masturbating with your hands and doing Kegel exercises to get control of your pelvic muscles.

I’ve found that every time I masturbate or am having oral with a guy I feel like I need to go to the toilet but nothing actually comes out. Is this normal? (age 19)
It’s normal for males to have to urinate after ejaculating, but I’ve never heard this from a female. It might be a conditioned response. Just stay away from the toilet for a while and you can un-condition yourself.

Yes, he really did just suggest that a woman not go pee after sex. Great. She’s gonna be sucking down cranberry juice in no time.

The most terrifying thing, of course, is that people are reading this site and absorbing his shitty opinions. There are heaps upon heaps of questions from young girls wanting to know if they are going to be failures later on in life because of how they masturbate. The implied answer is usually yes.

I sometimes masturbate with a Jacuzzi jet. You say that that kind of feeling can’t be replicated with a man. What do you mean? (age 14)
A man brings a woman to orgasm in intercourse by his penis stimulating her clitoris and/or her vaginal walls. This is nothing like the feeling of a bathroom faucet, let alone a powerful water jet, against a woman’s clitoris. A woman who’s used to stimulation by running water is unlikely to be satisfied by sexual intercouse. The pressure from a man rubbing his penis against and inside her is simply no comparison to water pressure.

So, recap. Masturbation is only preparation for having intercourse with teh MENZ. This is why you should try to only buy the most realistic of dildos, and never vaginally insert anything larger than a penis. And if you’re doing something to yourself that can’t be replicated by a man’s penis1, no matter how good it feels, YOU’D BETTER STOP, because you are “stimulating yourself  in a way that will be impossible with a partner.”

Yes, IMPOSSIBLE. Because a partner could certainly never use a sex toy on you! A sex toy could never be incorporated into sex! Dear god, no!

So what happens once you finally reach the holy grail of being able to come during sex? Well, sorry — you’re still a fuck up.

I can only achieve an orgasm when I’m with a guy when I’m on top and he is sitting up. Is that normal? (age 18)
The position you describe gives you a lot of control, which makes it easier for someone to reach orgasm. You’d enjoy it more if you could learn to reach orgasm in other positions.

And don’t worry, even if you ask him a question that could never actually be answered in any reasonable way, he will have an OPINION!!!.

Do girls have more pleasure than boys during masturbation? (female, age 15)
That’s a really interesting question! I’d be inclined to say boys do, based on the percentage of male masturbation that results in orgasm (more than 99%) versus a smaller level for females.

DO YOU KNOW WHY WE HAVE LESS ORGASMS? Because of people like you, douchebag, telling us there is one “conventional way” of getting off, and that way involves the least amount of stimulation imaginable. What the fuck? What the fuck. Ugh, what the fuck.

In case you need more reasons to hate this guy, here is a megalist I compiled: he is vaguely homophobic, attributes any kind of vaginal bleeding to “erosion of the hymen,” asserts that you will know you’re having an orgasm because “your nipples will erect,” considers “external” and “internal” masturbation as things that are apparently NEVER DONE AT THE SAME TIME, scoffs at anyone who engages in what he labels the “female superior intercourse position,” claims that the biological purpose of the hymen is to “serve as an indicator of whether or not a young girl has been sexually violated,” and never gives people in potentially sexually abusive situations any resources.

I’m sure there are thousands of other reasons, since I didn’t have the stomach to even delve into the male masturbation section. But at least I can take solace in one thing.

Are you married? (age 25)
No. 🙁

Readers, please chime in. Do you engage in any of the terrible, terrible masturbation techniques condemned by Mansplainer of the Decade? Do you take the “watery shortcut“? Do you hump pillows? Masturbate through your underwear? Use sex toys? VIBRATORS? Is your sex life subsequently in ruins?

And those who stick to masturbating with their fingers (and probably aren’t reading this blog), do you have AMAZING FUCKING MINDBLOWING SEX?

I can only assume so.

  1. And don’t even try to argue with him about how the penis can reach the clit during sex, or he’ll just pull out a freakish analogy involving sticking fingers in ears. []
  • PandaDementia

    Wow. Fucking WOW. This guy is a moron. I feel REALLY bad for all of the girls that are taking his advice because most will never fully realize their own sexuality nor experience the most fantastic orgasms one can have. *sigh*

  • Saraid

    Dude, according to this dude I’m ultra defective.
    #1 I usually don’t orgasm from intercourse alone.
    #2 I like vibrators.
    #3 Dildos are awesome, AWESOME.
    #4 I can squirt.
    #5 I am more likely to orgasm from oral sex than teh PENIS.

    So, Doug – What shall I do to fix myself? Poke my clit with my pinky finger until I come? No thanks.

  • Michele

    Oh. My. GOD! Mr. Doug apparently hasn’t got a single frickin clue, and someone needs to send him one. Better yet, maybe a Fuktard of the Year award would be better! I truly hope that nobody his Piece and actually takes it seriously!

    To answer your question Epiphora, yes I engage in those terrible terrible masturbation techniques, often in front of my partner, and we both use sex toys almost every day. It has terrible results on our relationship (from the Mansplainer’s point of view), because not only do I come regularly, but it gets my partner horny too. That usually leads to the Amazing Mindblowing Sex that you mentioned, which cannot possibly be good because we aren’t limiting ourselves to just fingers.
    Wow, I guess I’ll have to stop doing all those things that cause orgasms and go back to using fingers (dripping sarcasm).

  • Saraid

    Also, I’m about to buy the Eleven – my vagina will be ever ruined for all penises. Whoa is me.

  • Carnivalesq

    OH SNAP.

    SOMEONE’S BEEN TOLD.

    I wanna marry your footnote. I’m going to prepare for our marital coitus by masturbating prone on the floor with the door open through my underwear with vibrators and dildos galore. Then I’m taking it to my hot tub in the woods…

  • Goddamn I wish there was a way to get his website pulled from the internet FOREVER. I’m actually kinda shocked anybody would recommend anything on that site…the hymen gallery? Kinda creeps me out, I gotta say, since he used the block-eraser tool in paint to create some of the variances.

  • @Dangerous Lilly: GOOD POINT.

  • @JoeAnderson

    Please know that many of us men encourage the women in our lives to “do what feels good” instead of doing “what doesn’t threaten my manhood”. Perhaps this guy has some shortcomings? (yes, pun intended)

    Now about this term “mansplaining”: Ladies, it’s tripe. It is sexist and belittles me and my brothers. What you call a “mansplaination”, I call “an idiot giving their opinion”.

    Do we really have to assign a sex to it?

  • @@JoeAnderson: But of course. I knew this was going to happen.

    The answer is yes. Yes we do. And as long as you don’t engage in mansplaining yourself, you should not care.

  • @JoeAnderson

    @Epiphora:

    Then perhaps I should have mansplained that I was being tongue-in-cheek, my dear 🙂

  • Oh man. Who knew that when I was a teenager, I’d been masturbating incorrectly! I learned to do it on my stomach and I used electric toothbrushes, loofah gloves, and hairbrushes, among other things. Too bad I hadn’t discovered this dude’s site so that he could have corrected me.

  • Does this mean that those of us who masturbate with fingers, dildos, vibrators, have mindblowing sex, know where our g-spot is, squirt (and everything else he says we should not do or can’t do…) – are going to hell in a hand basket?

    Just wondering. If so, at least we will be in good company, right? 🙂

    peace…

  • ThatToyChick

    Here’s a fun letter from the imaginary he-totally-doesn’t-make-this-stuff-up mailbag:

    “Dear Doug;

    I enjoy masturbating with my hands only (as you frequently emphasize), but I am an only child! Would you say, in your expert opinion, it would be okay to put an ad in the paper for a faux-brother and two companions to burst in on me while I am masturbating in the shower? Would this be healthy, or does it have to be a blood relative?

    Sincerely;

    Kissin’ Cousins”

  • BEING A DUMBASS
    HE IZ DOIN IT RITE

    I will forever thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster that I found Scarleteen when I was 17, instead of this nonsense.

  • PandaDementia

    @ThatToyChick:
    And here’s what his response would be, most likely:
    “While it would be most effective for it to actually be a blood relative, I applaud your innovative thinking and think you’ll get along just fine with the faux-brother. After you’re finished masturbating, though, I would recommend that you have at least one of the gentlemen have intercourse with you so you can see how having intercourse with real men is far superior than any toy or stream of water could ever be.
    Good luck.”

  • Wilhelmina

    “What the fuck? What the fuck. Ugh, what the fuck.”

    indeed.

    what really worries me is that all these women are so concerned about whether what they’re doing is “normal” and actually value his opinion…

    but yeah. according to this dude i’m doing it all WRONG. i also sometimes have sex with women. but he never mentioned that, so i’m sure i shouldn’t be doing it!

  • Wilhelmina

    @Dangerous Lilly: i agree. i’m assuming he doesn’t have ANY qualifications to be giving this advice and i hope to god people are taking note of that 😐

  • Ahhhh, my hatred of this asshole knows no bounds! It’s just like…gah! The idea that the pleasure you create not being able to be replicated during ‘real sex’ (whatever the fuck that even means; I haven’t had cock in cunt sex yet and I still have an incredible fucking sex life) is just so infuriating. Because apparently toys are NOT for partners. They don’t even make toys for partners (like the WE vibe)! And they surely don’t make toys for men (like the Fleshlight or all the different prostate toys out there)! I just want to find this guy and punch him in the face.

  • Pingback: Sex-positivity FAIL. « Pussy Goes Grrr()

  • The Kama Mama

    Unfuckingbelievable. To answer your question: Sometimes I like a vibrator on the clit and a dildo in the pussy at the same time. I’m doing it doubly wrong.

  • OMFG. This Doug is guilty of the most egregious, heinous misuse of a website that I think I’ve ever seen. What an awful disservice to young people who happen to stumble upon this horse shit.

    As for me, I like a vibe on my clit, a dildo in my pussy and often, get ready for it, a butt plug up my ass for that extra full feeling. And you know, if that’s wrong, I don’t wanna be right.

  • You know… there are days when being in grad school and working to become a sex-positive educator are really hard. I make almost nothing and live below the poverty line for my county. I deal with bullshit from students and professors and administrators. I sometimes write late into the night because there is a deadline, only to have my hard work rejected because the reviewers don’t think porn is an “appropriate topic for academic research.” When I explain what I am studying I sometimes get laughter, looks of disgust, glares, or jokes about what a nympho I must be.

    Reading shit like this reminds me exactly why I am doing all this. Thank you, THANK YOU.

    (ps. Mind if I link this entry on my blog?)

  • @@JoeAnderson: If this is your version of tongue-in-cheek, you have some work to do on your delivery. A LOT of work. To me this just reads like you were trying to be cute, and backed down when you realized Epiphora has a hell of a point that she wasn’t going to give up without a fight.

    WOOHOO for being cool with women doing what feels good instead of what is “supposed to” make us feel good, though. We appreciate it!

  • @EmilyC: Of course! Link away! And keep fightin’ the good fight. It is definitely worth it.

  • mang_o

    Ugh…at least it looks to me that the last time it was updated was in 2008! I wish it were taken off the web completely though!

  • Garnet Joyce

    Yikes! Well I’m a completely defective female then. I can’t get off with my hands because they are arthritic. Maybe that’s why I caught the queer.

    And on another note, this frustrates me soooo much. I work so hard to put real sex positive information out there and douches like this convince people that they’re the experts and give them misinformation. *screams*

  • LOLmerrill

    omfgiwanttodiiieeeee! I’ve never laughed so hard at something I was so enraged by before.

  • J and I have crazy mind blowing sex. Especially with toys, and floggers and all kinds of terrible things that “normal” people don’t engage in. If my brother bought be a vibrator after watching me orgasm (although I am sure it wasn’t to be nice) I would die…right after I threw up.

    I wonder if I am totally fucked up for recently buying my best friend her very first strap-on for her and her hubby to try because she couldn’t afford one? I am inclined to say I am still normal, as is she. This site is a fucking joke.

    And those poor girls who listen to the pee remark will be heavily medicated on antibiotics until their Dr points out that they need to pee after sex. Well NO SHIT!!! And now there is some poor soul out there thinking she has bad PC muscles when, in fact, she is just close to an orgasm so many women have a hard time achieving!!! Great, now I am mad. Disgusting.

  • Thank you so much for this brilliant beat-down! Now if only he would come here and get all defensive . . . that would eclipse even the Don Wands insanity.

    It bothers me SO MUCH that his site masquerades as sound sexual advice when it is anything but, and I know the Internet is rife with such, but I just feel awful for all the people looking for reliable information. 🙁

    Even though now I feel REALLY bad- I tweeted once (wish I could find it, damn you, Twitter!), asking something along the lines of “Has anybody else ever heard of TMS, Twitter sex educators?”, because I encountered it on- bingo!- that website, and nowhere else except perhaps an Ask Alice column. Glad to know I already had a healthy dose of skepticism.

  • @JoeAnderson

    @EmilyC: Oh come on Em, didn’t you see the “my brothers” comment? Couldn’t you tell by my OVERALL message that I’m among friends here?

    I’m not going to judge the quality of your research by all the rejection you’ve had. I’m not saying your topics of interest and your attempts at writing need “A LOT of work” just because everyone at your university rejects your ideas. I won’t focus on that at all. Apparently you have dedicated a significant portion of your life to a sex-positve lifestyle.

    For that alone, I applaud you. Seriously.

    BTW, thanks for the laugh. Me? Back down? 🙂 Only when I find out I was wrong or have unintentionally injured someone. I’m fairly certain I’m guilty of neither.

    Thanks for the WAHOO 🙂

    -J

  • @@JoeAnderson:

    You don’t know me or my work, and have no business commenting on it via “clever” paralipsis unless you’ve read it. That comment wasn’t meant for you. Thanks for the support, but believe me, I have plenty of it.

    The thing is, if your intentions were good at least two of us took your question “Do we really have to assign a sex to it?” to be a genuine one. Clearly something was lost in translation if you meant this to be ironic.

  • LOLmerrill

    btw: ‘mansplanation’ is EPIC. I also like ‘boy-finition’ and ‘guy-terpretation’. Rofl.

  • K

    I actually prefer my own hands to vibrators, so for the first paragraph or so, I thought, “Well, what’s so wrong with advocating using only your hands at first?”
    But then I kept reading. And kept reading some more. Holy shit. He looks down on woman-on-top penis-in-vagina sex? He suggests boys enjoy masturbating more? He makes creepy-ass comments to commenters?
    Ick ick ick, I’m so tempted to invest in sex toys I’m not otherwise interested in, just to spite this asshole!

  • @JoeAnderson

    @EmilyC: I’m going to have to respectfully disagree with you on a few things.

    With regard to me breaking etiquette or not having “the right” to respond, the topic of your work and my right to comment on it became appropriate the moment you brought it up in this public forum. Though the comment that did so was not directed towards me, I simply followed your lead. Since you replied to me about a subject that was neither about you nor addressed to you, I felt comfortable in doing the same.

    As for my words, it appears that you have again arrived at the worst possible conclusion as to their meaning or intent. I’ll be honest; I had to look up the meaning of “paralipsis”! It is an excellent word, but disparaging your work was not my intent at all. If you felt slighted, then I regret it; I apologize. I was just trying to get your attention and provide an example of looking at the big picture when evaluating someone’s worth. In recognizing your passion for your work, despite the poor reception from students and reviewers, I see a more complete you.

    Again, plainly, sincerely, I applaud you.

    So are you just arguing for argument’s sake or do you really think the intent of my original post wasn’t good? Seriously. Please re-read the first paragraph. I made the effort to represent those men (like myself) who think that empowered people make us all stronger. I did so gently and with the help of a seriously bad pun (what can I say? I’m a fan of the genre). When I said I meant the next part tongue-in-cheek, I meant just that. While I laugh at the term just like @LOLmerrill does, I didn’t (and don’t) retract my point about assigning gender to a word in a pejorative manner.

    Finally, maybe I’m wrong, but I feel like you are angry with me. Why? I would think that as and educator and activist you would want another person on your side. We can disagree, but ultimately we are on the same team. No one advocates the right of individual expression (of all sorts!) more than me.

    -J

  • @JoeAnderson

    Just to be clear:

    I agree with Epiphora, this guy is a moron.

    🙂

  • namelesschaos

    Ok so I checked out the male masturbation page and if it any consultation he is an idiot there too. Apparently I’m also doing it wrong!:

    “I’ve heard that you’re not supposed to masturbate lying face down. Is this true? Why not? (age 14)

    You’ve come to the right place to ask! The habit of masturbating face down is known as Traumatic Masturbatory Syndrome. It causes severe sexual problems in most males who practice it. You can learn more here.”

    I wonder is this face down/ face up thing some short of weird OCD thing with this guy does he sleep only on his back to avoid traumatic sleeping syndrome, is everything in his house position faced up to avoid the evils of face down-ness?

  • @namelesschaos: YES. My personal theory is that he likes to jack off to girls’ tits, NOT THEIR ASSES, so he insists upon them being face up. Just a theory…

  • Sarahbear

    Holy. Shit.

    I saw all the tweets about this and peeked at Carnivalsq’s post, but I had no idea it was this bad. Honestly? Some of those questions sound like he made them up. But, I guess if he can come up with such ridiculous answers to those questions that it’s possible that there are people who would ask questions about their brother & friends walking in on them masturbating (uh? wtf happened to locking the bathroom door or knocking?! Especially when you can hear a god damn shower running…)

    Love this post.

  • @JoeAnderson Dude, would you stop making this post and the comment area all about YOU? Regardless of how many times you apologize for whatever or explain (mansplain, perhaps?) that you were joking; you still sound condescending and it doesn’t change the fact that most of the people didn’t read what you said as a joke. Intent don’t mean shit, buddy.

  • Jess

    @Ashley Avard: Yes. This.

  • Jess

    @@JoeAnderson: BTW just for future reference Joe, in a situation like this..a real ally who is faced with the knowledge that his words and inference has been misunderstood behaves like this.

    “I’m sorry that it came off like that, it wasn’t my intention, I’ll try it another way next time.”

    Without all the wankstain and attitude.

    Jus sayin.

  • Jess

    This whole thing is..very disturbing. I am absolutely horrified for these poor girls getting this advice and thinking that they are doomed. I remember being told that I shouldn’t masturbate at all because then it would ‘ruin’ me for getting off any other way. I believed that for a very very long time and blamed my inability to orgasm through regular intercourse without any other stimulation on my early masturbation.

    And he just set up a whole new generation of girls for similar angst. Fuck.

  • @JoeAnderson

    @Ashley Avard: I think it is impossible to make the post about me, since I am neither the author nor the subject of the post. I have done nothing to make myself the subject of this comment area other than to express my support of an individual’s (in this case, a woman’s) right to feel good. Then when my intent was called into question, I clarified both my intent and position – that of support and well wishes. I have only “made this post about me” in that I have gently responded to their assertions about me.

    That includes you, Ashley. By attacking me, aren’t YOU the one making this about me? Should I just let your remarks about my intentions stand if they don’t represent who I am? I agree, there HAS been entirely too much discussion about me, but please don’t point the finger of blame at me.

    Back to the real topic, you made what I thought was a funny, excellent point about the hypocrisy that this guy is engaging in. I also liked that you want to punch him in the face; that’s kinda the way I feel 🙂 I have nieces, a sister, a mother, lovers, gay and straight friends who all have the right to pleasure themselves in anyway they see fit. Illumination of this guy’s moronic, outdated views on sexuality (female and male) is one of the best ways to combat it.

    -J

  • @JoeAnderson

    @Ashley Avard: BTW, I thought your post (http://bit.ly/9IvP4M) was spot on. Excellent. I enjoyed it.

  • This is absolutely frightening.

  • trace2k

    It’s telling that so many young girls and women had to resort to this guys advice. It just shows how much more we need to fight to have good sex-ed taught in schools.

  • Wendy Blackheart

    I’m actually twitching. That stuff is all horrible! And worst of all, at 14, I was able to read that sort of BS and go ‘Well….you’re obviously a douche. I’m going to go take a 45 minute ‘bath’ now’. But not all 14 year olds can do that – especially when they’re scared, confused, and trying to reach out and get help by asking questions.

    And hot damn, I must give props to the bath tub faucet while I’m here – it was one of my first masturbation devices. That jet of water, along with a copy of a dirty book, and my parents out for the evening used to equal the BEST. NIGHTS. EVER. in middle school. (I also found, before that, that my stuffed Macy’s Snoopy, the one I had since 1988? Yeah, his belly was positioned in juuuuuust the right way for me to rub up against him and get off. I sewed a little cloth that buttoned in the back so I could take it off and wash it between uses. I was a crafty little kid when it came to wanking.)

  • Wilhelmina

    @Ashley Avard: hear, hear.

  • Chapelsauce

    As a sex-positive male feminist, I can only conclude that Doug has some serious inadequacy issues. His obsession with masturbatory practices that are unacceptable because they are “impossible with a partner” (and it bears mention that this is always assumed to be a *male* partner) I can only think to explain by hypothesizing that he’s incredibly insecure and fears that women will find avenues of self-pleasure that are greater than that which he as a man can provide with his penis. And of course that’s the only way he feels he can provide pleasure–and the only way apart from hands that a woman should provide pleasure to herself–because he has some very conservative moral opinions at work (as evinced by his obsession with what is “natural”). I have the feeling that he doesn’t possess a great deal of experience with women either, which makes his giving advice to women on sexuality even more troubling.

    Fortunately, many males know that there’s more to sex than just putting penises in vaginas. I am more than thrilled to have my partners stimulate themselves (and for me to provide them with stimulation) in any way that feels good to them. And there are so many ways to do that, and so many ways in which each person is different. The advice that Doug gives is appalling, misogynistic, and homophobic, without a doubt. But as much as he invites condemnation and scorn, I also can’t help feeling a bit sorry for him. The fact that he wants to so greatly limit the modes of sexual expression of the young women (and men) to whom he doles out his advice speaks to just how greatly he has limited himself as well. People who are secure in themselves and have happy, healthy sex lives don’t seek to limit those of others.

  • I am speechless.

  • Aspasia

    I am not surprised that he’s unmarried. Has he ever answered a question from a girl who is a lesbian? I’m sure he receives them, but I’m wondering if they don’t all just end up in his Trash considering his very heterocentric worldview.

    And hell, he’s talking about how certain masturbation techniques won’t feel the same as sex with a man (so as not to “ruin” those moments) as though every man feels the same to us? That’s the biggest WTF? I got from reading that crap.

  • Ange

    Ummm wow… This is disturbing on so many levels. I feel so sad for all these women who think this is legitimate advise. What a creepy man… and WTF is up with the hands????

  • I guess this is what happens when someone sets themself up as an expert on a subject that they cannot physically experience for themselves.

    I would have suggested that experienced women write in and give him guidance on where he’s going wrong. However, it would seem that his ego is so large that our input would not be accepted or appreciated.

  • Flutterby

    GFYIBLNKERBJNLWBVIFPOWBVFWOMR

    Sorry, had to get that out.

    The internet is full of idiots who spew idiotic things. I’ve come to accept that. What still makes me rage, though, is that idiots like this one somehow manage to be listened to by the masses, gain an evidently large following of people who believe he’s worthy of giving out advice, and because of that end up with more people thinking he must know what he’s talking about.

    And the creeper’s not married? I fucking wonder why?

  • Kat

    Haha. I’ve been masturbating since I was around 7 and hands have never really worked for me. I’m 27 now and have great sex. And while I can orgasm with intercourse (in certain positions), my guy can’t! We both love sex toys, and have a collection of them filling our closet. Vibrators are fucking awesome! What really gets me off, though, is fisting. Actually my guy likes that for him too (yes dirty anal!). I wonder what he thinks about that?

  • DanceDreaming

    Wow. In sheer awe of the level of awful.

  • Aaron

    What an arrogant dipshit. And I bet he’s a really memorable sex partner — not *good*, but I have a feeling the experience would tend to stick in the mind, much the same way a sliver of glass tends to stick in the foot. Something about this whole “when it comes to sex, I KNOW BEST!” attitude, I dunno, I just imagine him being the only guy with flip-charts and worksheets next to the rubbers in his nightstand drawer.

    And what the fuck? He’s never heard that it’s possible to provide clitoral stimulation during PIV intercourse? His hands fall off when his dick gets hard? What?

    “Now about this term “mansplaining”: Ladies, it’s tripe. It is sexist and belittles me and my brothers. What you call a “mansplaination”, I call “an idiot giving their opinion”.

    Do we really have to assign a sex to it? ”

    Joe, you take that bullshit and you cram it up your ass sideways. I am not your brother; I am a better man than you. And you *are* “an idiot giving your opinion”, you fucking embarrassing fool of an I-know-best! mansplainer. You can be that goddam stupid if you want, but leave me the hell out of it.

  • @Aaron: Best. Comment. Ever.

  • Carnivalesq

    @Aaron: Your comment is utterly fantastic.

    It got me all hot and bothered.

    Oh yes it did. 😉

  • @JoeAnderson

    @Aaron,

    Really? That’s your opinion about me? I made an effort to support the point of view of this post because I feel that this so-called “sex expert” is a moron at best and dangerous at worst. I support healthy sex education and attitudes that encourage people to explore what makes them feel good (as long as it doesn’t hurt others).

    Admittedly, I offended some here. Though I am honestly still trying to understand why and how, nonetheless I regret the offense and apologize for it.

    As for you being a better man than me, perhaps. I have kept my comments respectful and have communicated in an adult fashion. What is it about my behavior, in comparison to the level of discourse you have engaged in, that makes you a better man then me?

    Was it your desire to have me cram my opinion “up my ass sideways” that makes you superior to me? Or was it just in general the way you encouraged diversity of opinion? Specifically, why do you consider me “goddamn stupid” or a “fucking idiot”?

    Ultimately you are my brother. Every woman here is my sister. Like it or not, we are all in this together. I choose to support expression of opinion when it is positive and encourages individuals to be themselves, to be comfortable in their own skin. The author of healthystrokes.com does not do this.

    The question is, do you want to encourage positive exchange of ideas and opinions about how to negate the content of a website like that? Regardless of your opinion about me, I hope your answer is “Yes”.

    -J

  • Aaron

    Oh, fuck you, Joe. You’ve already had more of my time and attention than you deserve, and I have no particular desire to learn whether or not your overweening arrogance is penetrable.

  • @JoeAnderson

    @Aaron,

    I desire neither your time or attention. Thanks for the word, though! “Overweening”. That’s at least the second new one I picked up here.

  • Mandie

    Interesting.
    I’m actually one of those women who masturbate with their hands only and yes, I DO have amazing fucking mindblowing sex (by my standards that is), but I suppose I’m doing masturbation wrong too since I can’t orgasm from PIV intercourse alone.

    I must’ve not prepared myself sufficiently for a mighty magical dick during those years of masturbating with my hands only, but somehow I get the feeling he’d be more than happy to explain what exactly the teenaged me did wrong. In details and accompanied by a leer and a *wink nudge*. Yeach.

  • Polly Vincere

    Really?
    I mean, really? This isn’t some kind of joke?
    How pathetic this person is – to have nothing better to do than spew judgments all over the personal lives of strangers.
    I am referring to the original post. I honestly didn’t read through the back-and-forth comments by others. I came to read your blog – not lengthy comments about almost-irrelevant topics, ya know.
    Thank you for writing this. I’m going to send it to some friends who have been giving me the “you know if you stay celibate and use sex toys you’ll hate ‘real sex’ when you get it again.” le sigh

  • Pepper

    Aaagghhhh! This is worse than Cosmopolitan!

    But guess what, Mr. Healthy Strokes:

    -I orgasm much more easily and much harder when my “internal” and “external” bits are simulated at the same time.
    -The orgasms I get from “watery shortcuts,” particularly jacuzzi jets, are AMAZING.
    -I have squirted, and it definitely wasn’t urine. Also, my pelvic muscles? Divine. (And I always pee after sex. Somehow I haven’t developed a fetish.)
    -Masturbation with fingers has NEVER gotten me off. I must be somehow defective!
    -I used a carrot once or twice. It sucked. Did you know that someone actually died from masturbating with a carrot, because it scratched the walls of her vagina and air got into her bloodstream, Mr. Healthy Strokes? I think I’ll stick with a nice, blunt, perfectly-curved dildo from now on, thanks.
    -When I use my Hitachi (gasp! a massager!), I HAVE to use it through my underwear because it’s so strong. Once, I used my Hitachi up to 20ish times in a day. The next day I woke up and POOF! my clit was gone/all used up. No, wait. It wasn’t at all. I had some more orgasms.
    -After all this, I still manage to thoroughly enjoy penetrative sex with my (male) partner. We incorporate sex toys and even if I don’t orgasm, I still love the uniquely pleasurable sensations from that particular act. Sex is in no way diminished because I know that if I don’t get off, I can use my vibrator afterward.

    Thanks, Epiphora!

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  • Laura

    OMG – I am pretty much a lifetime pillow humper. It feels good…. what can I say? And somehow, strangely, I love sex. My partners love having sex with me! Maybe I’m the exception that proves the rule????

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  • Elodie

    Agh agh AGH.

    When I just masturbated with my fingers, through underwear and in the bathtub? Great sex. Very often not in the missionary position. Sometimes with no penetration at all! But often also with penetration, because I love having a penis in me, and they give me orgasms.

    Now that I’m using toys? (And fingers.) Also great sex. Better, actually, though I think that’s timing more than toys. If I had any weird hangups like this freak of a misogynistic creepazoid wants me to have? NO GREAT SEX.

    I take comfort in the fact that I have many, many orgasms every day, more than any male could have, both alone and with my boyfriend. Who asks me what does and does not work for me, and NEVER would try to TELL me. This is why my boyfriend gets laid and Mr. Mansplainer of the Millenium does not.

    Oh AND, Mr. Mansplainer, the reason you have never been able to get a woman off isn’t because there’s something wrong with THEM.

  • *goes and tells one of the hacker boys to shut down his site NOW and have it redirect to scarletteen or something*

  • Just Me..

    Who IS this nimrod?
    Sheesh..
    Apparently I’ve been doing it ALL wrong for years…
    Great years, tho!!! :-)~

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  • @Joe Anderson
    Let me try to explain to you once more WHY exactly everyone here is pretty upset with and offended by you:

    “Admittedly, I offended some here. Though I am honestly still trying to understand why and how, nonetheless I regret the offense and apologize for it.”

    You are NOT listening; multiple people have commented and said exactly why you are coming off as such a douche bag. You’re not acting like an ally, despite all your very condescending talk of how you support us and our expressions. You wanna know something that upsets feminists? When men don’t listen to what they’re saying and they try explain how they don’t really need to. Which is what you’re doing.

  • One common theme throughout HealthyStrokes.com is the unhealthy attitude toward same-sex couplings. He doesn’t seem to get biblical about it, but saying things like “…a lot of people would say you’re engaging in homosexual behavior” and “…especially for someone who wants to pursue males” and in response to a girl saying she thinks she’s lesbian “…Someone is going to figure that out before long.”

    Like all this is a bad thing. Whoever this guy is, he has some pretty wacked, conservative ideas about sexuality and is definitely anti-sex disguised as being sex-positive.

  • Oh. My. God!

    This started off kind of funny, but by the end, I swear steam was coming out of my ears.

    Masturbation, girlies, you iz doin’ it wrong! Really?!!! Gah!!!!

    I REFUSE to go to that website to look at it (REFUSE, dammit!), though I am sending hacking vibes over there in the hope that the whole thing will get zapped (see that, that was a demonstration of my complete and utter lack of understanding of all things geeky, but the outraged point stands!).

    Ferns

  • Selective Sensualist

    Yeah, that was totally creepy. Too bad the hymen gallery is so cool because I’d love to link to it when I start my blog. But I don’t want to send traffic that way . . . 🙁

  • Remy

    “If I ever get invited to your birthday party, I will make sure you had a really nice time and won’t wish to be alone.”

    Why is this real? I want to weep.

  • I totally agree that Doug has no clue what he’s talking about. I also agree that his point of view on sex/sexuality/masturbation/orgasming/etc is completely wrong and misguided.

    On that note, I spoke with him before I linked to the site and told him in very clear words what I thought of his advice while also suggesting that he change it as his beliefs were outdated, judgmental, close minded and came across as insincere – unfortunately he didn’t.

    That said, the hymen diagrams on the website are possibly still some of the best I’ve found to date – my intention wasn’t to send folks to his page for advice, guidance, having their questions answered or to learn about sexuality/female masturbation (as I’d already covered those topics in videos myself) – it was simply to view images of the hymen in its many and varied forms so that females of all ages would have a better understanding of their body and not be alarmed if theirs looked different than other images they had found online.

    If you know of a better online diagram please link me to it! (even if it’s just images) I”ll more than happily send traffic that way rather than to the Healthy Strokes Website.

  • Boo

    My favorite was were he explained that breaking a hymen couldn’t possibly hurt because there’s no nerves in the tissue. Oh, nevermind that the skin is pulling on other areas with nerves…

  • Jen

    I just discovered this site yesterday and I agree it is horrible. The amount of biased, innacurate information in it’s q&a section – especially for the females – makes me sick to my stomach. I wish there was a way we could protest to get it removed off the internet all together.

  • True Pleasures

    Ahem…. AAAaaaaaggghhh! Headdesk, headdesk, headdesk!! XD

    What the hell is wrong with this guy!? I suspect he has the brain worms with what sort of garbage he spews out. The excerpts from him were almost too painful to read.

  • @mang_o:

    I checked at the bottom of the page…last updated April 23, 2011.

  • I really want to write this guy an email, but I honestly don’t know where to begin. I also feel like I should read through the whole site to have an educated point of view on all his blather, but I don’t know if I can stomach it.

    This site should be reported to…someone…I don’t know who. But this ignorant man is causing irreparable harm to countless young people’s current and future sex lives. And he’s super creepy. What kind of adult (I’m sensing middle-aged) man who ISN’T in the medical or sex education fields finds it appropriate to run this sort of site? What makes him think he’s qualified to advertise his GROSSLY ill-informed OPINIONS as fact?!?

    I bet his long history of sexual dysfunction and dissatisfying sexual relationships aren’t caused by his former “traumatic masturbatory syndrome” (is that a thing? are we being serious with that??). Rather, I’d be willing to bet it has something to do with his ridiculous ideas about what is “normal” and “healthy”. No wonder he’s not married.

  • Anon1234

    Wow. This guy is doing some serious damage! I’ve done heaps of the things on his list… I used to masturbate using my pillows, teddy bear, my fingers or a pair of old socks since I was aged about five, I’ve used the shower head and the spa jets, I’ve laid on my front, my back, my side…. I did these kind of things regularly for years before I met someone and started having partner-sex. None of my past experiences stopped me from enjoying sex with him – I had regular orgasms and it didn’t matter that the sensations were different. I was not exactly laying in bed thinking about the spa jets if you know what I mean! As I see it, partnered sex will always be different (probably better) because you are with a living breathing human being – someone who can kiss and caress you, care for you, and who responds to your reactions. No amount of pillow-humping or fingering will take away from that!

    In fact I’d go so far as to directly contradict this guy: I think this kind of sexual exploration is normal, healthy and fun. Its a good way for kids and teens to enjoy their sexuality without having to worry about partners or pregnancy. I think anyone who doesn’t currently have a partner should masterbate in any way that feels good to them – it is entirely your right to enjoy your body in whatever way you choose.

    I’ve never heard of anyone who hurt themselves or did any serious damage through masturbating. But I’m pretty sure that you are all sensible enough to stop masturbating if it starts to hurt. I think if you do that you can avoid doing yourself any harm. Even if you have hurt yourself, your body will heal and you will be fine. If you’re concerned you could ask your doctor or put a question on a q and a service and people will tell you.

    I think masterbating in any of these ‘forbidden’ ways will actually make it more likely that you will have fun and enjoyable sex with a partner when you’re ready, because you will be comfortable with your body and you will know what you like and what turns you on. At least that is how it worked for me (and I am a shy, serious 29 year old girl….not someone highly sexed or unusual!)

    So that is my rant. Hope it helps some of our younger / uninformed readers to realise this guy is wrong – enjoy whatever feels good to you (and your partner).

  • Moron. He sounds like a troll, but I doubt it.

    I like how he assumes that
    1. All women are heterosexual and are attracted to males.
    2. The point of masturbation is to prepare ourselves for HETERO partner sex, not to for us to get off. Right.
    3. Most men are incredibly insecure and how dare their women pleasure themselves in a way their penises and fingers couldn’t do “naturally.”

    I’ll safely assume that Doug has never successfully pleasured a living, breathing organism in his life. Suck on eggs, Doug.

  • Classified

    I definitely learned at a very early age that I could orgasm by squeezing my thighs together. I wouldn’t be nearly as comfortable with my body or with my mate if I had been told “fingers only!”. They don’t work for me, my mate’s fingers don’t work for me, my thighs do…and they will continue to do so. Not to mention this allowed me to understand how I can best orgasm during intercourse. My husband is very patient as I grind his poor pubic bone to dust 😀

  • I love how angry you are!

    I’m pretty annoyed by his shit too, but it is the amazing way you present me with it that shall stick with me. You’re too awesome 🙂

  • DUDE. I just read this because you linked on Twitter and OMFG RAGE. I can’t cum at all from my hands. My sex life rocks. I have multiple orgasms every time, with or without clit stimulation. Using vibrators hasn’t ruined my ability to get off from PIV sex. *GASP*!! So fuck off, Doug. So glad no one said such idiotic things to me as a child. Now that may have ruined my ability to orgasm.

  • nuala macmoragh

    If we’re planning a field trip sometime soon to abduct Doug, tie him face first to a tree in a forest that’s highly populated by horny, hungry bears, after first inserting his cock into a splintery hole in the tree that’s infested with angry bees, count me in, please.

  • theologyofcats

    I have no idea why I started this, but I’ve always given myself a wedgie and then pulled up on the front of my underwear. Fantastic orgasms ensue. I’m sure this is a terrifying idea Doug has never even considered. Also I totes do this PRONE because I am a rebel and a bamf.

  • TJtheMadHatter

    I know I’m late in reading this, but WOW. It’s like watching the drunk guy give a toast, and everyone with half a brain scrambling to get the microphone away from him. Absolutely disgusting. I had a lot of those questions when I was that age. I had no one to turn to, and thought I was crazy for sticking things in my vag, or rubbing up against anything and everything. It pisses me off that someone who’s a fucking narrow minded, bigot asshole, has a platform to give such harmful advice. Ugh.

  • Oddkin

    ‘Splainer: “This is nothing like the feeling of a bathroom faucet, let alone a powerful water jet, against a woman’s clitoris”

    You know what Mr Splainer? You’re right! As a woman who masturbated just that way for a fucking DECADE I can tell you it’s nothing like it. Because a water jet is MUCH more powerful and stimulating. I got off on it, barely because of the lack of privacy, but I still could and that’s saying something. Anxiety is buzzkiller number 1 and I could still get off.

    Oh my god what a DOUCHE (har har), makes me so grateful I’ve never imbibed any of that shit and enjoy a vast array of vibes and dildo’s in the privacy of my own apartment. I feel so sad for these young girls being fed lies about their bodies and pleasure.

  • Sincerely N

    Oh god this person… people like this are responsible for a lot of misconceptions in sex. Sadly, I was one of the ones that BELIEVED tips like that until I grew a brain. Thanks for writing this up! I agreed with all of it.

    And I want to go on that field trip mentioned a couple comments below.

  • Kirby

    The male section is just as bad. I’ve read only for a minute or so, but this guy has told one 19-year-old male that there’s “nothing wrong with using visual aids,” even though the 19-year-old feels like he “almost need[s] to watch porn” during masturbation and has “a lot of trouble getting [his] penis fully erect.” Watching porn is fine – being dependent on it is not. Doug also told a 13-year-old who has been masturbating for two years but has never ejaculated that it would “probably happen” by the time he’s 14. Probably? That’s reassuring. He tells a 15-year-old that circumcised men should “stay away from the glans unless they use artificial lube” because “[u]ncircumcised males have their natural lube to help them,” even though uncircumcised men typically have a more sensitive glans. And what “natural lube” is he talking about that circumcised men don’t have? I can’t go on. It’s just too ridiculous.

  • WBW

    I couldnt even read it all. The guy knows nothing about women… nothing. Sounds like his biggest worry is that no man will be able to live up to the orgasms a female can give herself. Truth dude, most women do not come from regular PIV sex with men.

  • Becci Burt

    I HATE masturbating with my fingers, I cannot reach orgasm that way. I want to hurt that man, clearly a virgin. UGHHHHH

  • Troublemaker

    I skimmed the male masturbation page and I’ve gotta say, this guy sounds like he was very sheltered and never really encouraged to explore himself, much less another person. I wouldn’t take his advice at all.

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  • Caz

    Probably not. Number 3 is the more likely reason why he able to do it. Fearing the person you are pleasuring gets in the way.

  • Dani Jones

    He’s still at it with the damaging/harmful/shaming advice. It’s down right terrifying, some of the things he tells these girls… The boy section is pretty bad, too. But wow… This is terrible. I wish we could get his site taken down.

  • The longer I read, the more I cringed. Straight up, not only are my fingers useless for the purpose of pleasure to the point of actually turning off said pleasure, but carpel tunnel would make it an extremely painful experience to even attempt. Not to mention that I am asexual, and I masturbate for my own pleasure only. Nothing attached to an actual human body is coming anywhere near my privates unless it’s got gloves on and is my doctor doing an exam.

  • Rin

    Oh boy. Another toy-phobic advice-giver who believes in an androcentric and heteronormative model of sex, thinks that all women are the same, says some vaguely pedophilic things, believes that the penis is the be-all, end-all, absolute apex of sexual gratification, and thinks that masturbation is for practicing how to have sex and not for self-enjoyment. Like we didn’t have enough guys like this in the world.

    I wonder what he’d think to hear my story – that I was phallophobic for a while, and that even after that faded I didn’t feel comfortable with the idea of sex until AFTER I’d been playing with dildos for a while? That the first fellow I had sex with was incredibly pro-toy and actually asked me to bring some toys over so that I could show him what I liked and so we could have some more variety in our fun?

    Or how about the fact that women who masturbate often tend to have BETTER sex because they’ve explored their likes and dislikes more thoroughly? That some women CANNOT achieve orgasm without the help of strong vibrations? What would he think of such things? Probably just dismiss it as feminist voodoo witchcraft propaganda.

    “I think the dildo being too uncomfortable means you’re too young for it.”

    This quote… There’s a lot of them in this article that turned me into a vibrating ball of rage, but this is one of the ones that didn’t get addressed quite as directly so I’ll do the honors: at WHAT MAGICAL FUCKING AGE are women suddenly able to comfortably take whatever-sized toys/objects/penises? Whatever happened to finding what you like, getting yourself aroused, using as much lube as you need, and (if you so desire) working your way gradually up the size ladder?

    I can’t help but hope that either this fellow is a massive troll that nobody takes seriously, or that the folks writing to him are trolling him to get a laugh out of his idiocy, but I know that’s not the case.

  • Jeffery Lucille

    he is ross from friends. literally every single thing that he wrote is wrong….
    also can i just say that only one (out of ~28) person who has ever fingered me has ever even felt pleasurable, fingerprints, hang nails, nails, or even just dryish skin (with lube/saliva) just hurt me.

  • Tmcaurinus

    Oh my fucking god. Just…ohmyfuckinggod.

  • Milk Coffee

    The thing that bothers me most reading this is the fact that up until now I actually constantly was finding this sort of information when I tried to find resources [which really is hard for me to find since I’m penis and penetration phobic]. It’s actually why I started to use your review site and things like it to try to learn more about my body and how sex and masturbation worked since it seemed less ‘YOU ARE GOING TO DESTROY YOUR BODY IF YOU DO [REDACTED ACTION]’.

    I think it might because I read so much stuff like the things here that my mind actually made my life pretty fucking terrible. I read so many negative things about masturbation and practices that my first orgasm [at least I’m sure it was supposed to have been] was /physically painful/. And for the first few years I tried to find ways to touch myself but I had not found a resource yet that told me ways that I could do without scaring me that I just got worse and worse to even touching my genitals was even causing me pain instead of pleasure. I was so conditioned from these words that everything was wrong my mind was ‘punishing’ me with pain for doing it.

    It was hard to find good information since I had so little chance to look since PARENTS STARING AT THE COMPUTER TO MAKE SURE YOU ARE NOT GONNA BE RAPED OR LOOKING AT PORN when I just wanted to understand my body since no one was telling me shit. [didn’t help I was feeling so much diaspora (no idea if I spelt that correctly) and questioning my gender all at the same time.]

    Damn growing up was HELL because of shit like this and I can’t help but rant about it because I’m finally getting to a point in my life I’m learning more so I can realize how fucked up my life has been and my issues with my body has because of this bullcrap.

    I still can’t masturbate without having panic attacks sometimes, but at least touching myself isn’t painful anymore and I can sometimes have pleasureful [but not amazing] orgasms. Though still most orgasms I do have are just this dull release of ‘I’m done’.

    Add this with the penis phobia I got from abuse and the penetration phobia I got because someone I knew died from their inner walls getting cut during masturbation.. I feel pretty fucked all around like I’m never going to have a healthy sex life even solo. I still don’t feel like I know shit about my body and like I’m not actually /allowed/ to know and understand it. [Well expect because I was born dfab that means I of course am a WOMAN and want to HAVE SEX and have CHILDREN and need to like PINK and “FEMININE” shit.]

    Wow I’m just ranting away now, doesn’t help I’ve been brought to tears typing out how fucked my life feels because it’s ran by MEN and their thoughts of how WOMEN [or not actually women just what they force down your thought insisting it’s a WOMAN’s body] should be, have to be, and need to be.

    Sorry such a long comment to something so old, this is what I get going through your archticles in hopes of learning something and improving myself and maybe gain some kind of healthy sex life of my own solo [at least in clit play but it’s so hard to find nice ways to do that it feels like ahhhh].

    ~hides off into the mist of someone’s stomach as Milk Coffee should.

  • Tzipora

    I know this is an old post but omg! I’m pretty sure I read this site or one similar to it when I was a kid or young teen (so somewhere in the late 90s or so) and oh man, I had masturbated on my belly my entire life and I seriously thought something was wrong with me. Granted even then I knew I was a lesbian so o wouldn’t have believed this asshole but he wasn’t the only one claiming this!

    What I find so amusing now is that uh being a lesbian, the getting off on my belly grinding against my hands or an object thing makes world’s of sense! It’s completely flipping replicible with a partner! (And obviously is for hetero folks too) and eh I’ve met subsets of the lesbian community who either insist tribbing isn’t a thing or its somehow inferior to other forms of sex but gah, is it at all surprising that my favorite (well one of my faves I guess) sex act on earth is tribbing? And pfft you can work in a toy in all sorts of ways with it. And the joy of being with a woman means when you shower together you can so take turns holding the showerhead for one another. It kinda cracked me up when he claimed that stuff couldn’t be replicated… But I guess you know, lesbians don’t have “real sex” anyway and all. And oh fuck I’m screwed if my enjoyment of grinding against things also means wearing a strap on can get me off… Again, I totally believe my masturbatory habits have actually served me damn well for partner sex. But then there’s endless ways to have partner sex anyhow….

    Also, I see no mention to laying on ones side. Disability issues have made the belly thing more difficult so I’m on my side a lot. I don’t exist. But then as a disabled queer person I’ve been told that before. 😉

    But anyway, there was something kind of awesome about seeing this stuff now as a healthy minded sex positive grown woman and realizing hey this flipped me out as a kid but oh hey I’m totally okay!!! But how many other sexually curious 20s and 30-somethings read the same crap online back then? Ugh. Now kids have their own phones and computers in their rooms and porn so I don’t think this crap does as much damage. Back when it was a family computer on dial up, thats where I learned everything I knew. The upside is even then I was the kid who was explaining the crazy misconceptions and misunderstandings other kids had so it wasn’t all bad at least.

  • Tzipora

    Oh and I would also add this obviously effing ableist as shit. I miss getting off with my hands. I crave it. I still love that feeling but being disabled my hands cramp up and get stuck and ache before I can come and the pain totally takes away from it too. I’d be super happy with a partners hand… And thigh and pelvic bone and toys and jets and screw that, my clit doesn’t discriminate. If it gets me off, its all good. 🙂

  • Robin McClanahan

    I am so sorry that you have had to go through all of that. <3 I think it's outstanding that you're working to get better information, and to try to form a happier relationship with your body. You're on the right track! Just know that someone out here in Internetland believes in you! I wish you the best of luck. 🙂

  • Insert Trans Here

    I know this post is really old, but that site is still up…. And just as horrifying. I can’t even pick one point to go after. There is so much wrong with that page, and it is very scary to think that alot of people will read that site, and consider it truth. It’s like every sex myth, listed as undeniable guilt inducing fact. And the page author is seriously creepy.

  • You will have solace to know, that as of almost 7 years later, this link is deader than a doornail. Also: Now I have no answer about what the hell “Traumatic Masturbatory Syndrome”is though, which, funnily enough, 99% of the time growing up, that’s how I masturbated. The name of the fake “syndrome” to be honest, sounds like something Dr. Finch would’ve dreamed up in Augustin Burroughs book Running With Scissors or something like that. And to be honest, like Dr. Finch, this dude sounds like a total creep. Maybe his site got yanked after he got busted for child porn or something like that.

  • You got me all excited, but guess what? IT’S NOT GONE. In fact the homepage now has an image of a birthday cake that says “Celebrating 15 Years.” I HATE IT, MAKE IT STOP

  • nooooooooooo that’s SO WRONG, Kill it with fire! I wanted to be so right about this sexist pile of crap thing being gone. *flips off his website 50,000 times* *makes vomit sounds* That sounds like a typo. Celebrating 15 years? And not celebrating 15-year-olds in the most inappropriate pedo ways?

  • Sex toys Amateur

    Wow this Doug guy is enraging! He needs to be stopped! I’m so sad for the girls who will believe his advises. Sex toys are great, I even sometimes feel like I’m on an astral voyage while masturbating. They also helped me get fully over my ex-boyfriend with whom sex was great, but he only used me for it. I wish I would’ve had a few great sex toys during my teenage years and my twenties, so I would not have lusted after pretty men who were not well intended. Thank you Epiphora for your blog and transparent advice!

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