Feb 292012
 

[This dildo is no longer in production; the closest approximations would be this or this.]

A glass dildo shaped like an actual cock sounded pretty nice. I’m a fiend for many realistic dildos, so why not try a similar shape in glass? I certainly didn’t own anything like it. And so I requested the Love Style Glass Lotus.

The Lotus comes in a black, padded bag with the company name embroidered on it, and I am not joking when I say “padded.” In fact, the stuffing is all lopsided, so it resembles a shrunken, misshapen body pillow. It protects the toy, of course, but it’s bulky, and its unevenness makes it look cheap.

The dildo itself is lovely, although it has a brownish flower design in its handle. Does anyone else think those flowers are starting to look dated?

After many not-very-thrilling uses, I had to admit the unfortunate truth to myself. Holy shit, this thing is just really boring. I kept trying it, kept thinking I’d find something either really awesome or really shitty to write about. Nope. There is nothing terribly wrong with it, and nothing outstanding about it either. It falls into that weird, obnoxious middle area.

The pronounced head of the Lotus hits my G-spot, although not with as much oomph as I like, and the ridges under the head feel interesting (akin to those on the Vixen Leo). But the shape of the shaft throws me off. It widens in the middle, and this confuses my vagina. Contrary to how I make it sound sometimes, I am not a thrusting machine. I’m not constantly thrusting with toys. I like to hold them steady and clench around them a bit. The Lotus, however, is bulbous in the spot that I clench, and very slick. My vag wants to — but just cannot — grasp it. It slides away.

That’s really a pretty minor issue. I could also mention the fact that this dildo is not very ergonomic, what with its straight shape. But these small details aren’t the point. The point is that I am not wowed, and I can’t pretend to be.

This is kinda like being a Top Chef judge when the competition gets fierce. All the chefs made delicious dishes, but someone still has to go home for something small and stupid. The Lotus is like the contestant that made the ill-fated risotto; it wasn’t horrible, but it was a bit undercooked, and not nearly as tasty as the steak tartare its competition. Lotus, please pack your knives and go.

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