Feb 292012

[This dildo is no longer in production; the closest approximations would be this or this.]

A glass dildo shaped like an actual cock sounded pretty nice. I’m a fiend for many realistic dildos, so why not try a similar shape in glass? I certainly didn’t own anything like it. And so I requested the Love Style Glass Lotus.

The Lotus comes in a black, padded bag with the company name embroidered on it, and I am not joking when I say “padded.” In fact, the stuffing is all lopsided, so it resembles a shrunken, misshapen body pillow. It protects the toy, of course, but it’s bulky, and its unevenness makes it look cheap.

The dildo itself is lovely, although it has a brownish flower design in its handle. Does anyone else think those flowers are starting to look dated?

After many not-very-thrilling uses, I had to admit the unfortunate truth to myself. Holy shit, this thing is just really boring. I kept trying it, kept thinking I’d find something either really awesome or really shitty to write about. Nope. There is nothing terribly wrong with it, and nothing outstanding about it either. It falls into that weird, obnoxious middle area.

The pronounced head of the Lotus hits my G-spot, although not with as much oomph as I like, and the ridges under the head feel interesting (akin to those on the Vixen Leo). But the shape of the shaft throws me off. It widens in the middle, and this confuses my vagina. Contrary to how I make it sound sometimes, I am not a thrusting machine. I’m not constantly thrusting with toys. I like to hold them steady and clench around them a bit. The Lotus, however, is bulbous in the spot that I clench, and very slick. My vag wants to — but just cannot — grasp it. It slides away.

That’s really a pretty minor issue. I could also mention the fact that this dildo is not very ergonomic, what with its straight shape. But these small details aren’t the point. The point is that I am not wowed, and I can’t pretend to be.

This is kinda like being a Top Chef judge when the competition gets fierce. All the chefs made delicious dishes, but someone still has to go home for something small and stupid. The Lotus is like the contestant that made the ill-fated risotto; it wasn’t horrible, but it was a bit undercooked, and not nearly as tasty as the steak tartare its competition. Lotus, please pack your knives and go.

  • I often find myself asking the question, “Why has no one made a realistic dildo, where it looks as though the shaft is being strangled by an overly tight foreskin?” and here we have it…

  • Navigator

    Oh wow. That bulge is just so counterintuitive. And yeah, those flowers eternally remind me of photo clip stands from Pier One.

  • I totally have to agree on the flower thing. It was cute, the first time I saw it. But some of mine have just started looking somewhat 70’s to me, and not in a good way. Have they seen what can be done with glass? If not, they need to take a trip to their local smoke shop, any technique that can be done in a pipe can be done in a dildo. The potheads are totally winning this one right now.

  • Ashes

    That bulge that confuses your vagina sounds (and looks) a lot like what I’ve been looking for in a toy. My first boyfriend had something like that and my vag got used to it, so now it’s all like “meh, something is missing”

    Damn, if I only had $60 right now! Damn you, education! Why must you steal all of my precious monies?!

  • Ashes

    @ScarlettSeraph: ETSY, my friend. There is some amazing shit on there!

  • I must admit I do love the look of this dildo and I actually like the flower in the end. I’m similar to you as in I’m not a thruster either… phew I thought I was the only one! I like to tilt and angle my dildos; especially if they are girthy.

    The bulge is unusual and I can see how it could feel odd as it’s quite a different shape from most.

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