realistic

Review: Carter

Review: Carter

I squirt every time I use the New York Toy Collective Carter. Movement or not. No matter the external vibe. Whatever my mood. If clitoral stimulation makes me come while the Carter is inside me, I gush. I’ll be just hanging out, about to have a completely ordinary orgasm or so it seems, when I feel the pressure building, urging me to slide the dildo out. Sure enough: an expulsion of fluid follows. It hardly ever feels like I’ve earned it, yet it happens, consistently as the sun rising and setting each day. Sneak-attack squirting. And oh, with movement? With actual thrusting? Then I’m ejaculating even more, soaking through the towel on my desk chair. Carter is a meaty dude. . . . read more

Review: Downunder Toys

Review: Downunder Toys

Special deal! Get 10% off and free shipping at Downunder Toys with code EPIPHORA. Contrary to popular belief, I can be sweet-talked. Start by sending me a nice, gracious email. Acknowledge the work I do in the world (“your honest approach to this field makes my heart sing,” “I’m still laughing over your LELO Hula Beads review”). Introduce yourself without condescending to me (hint: if you’re a sex toy company, I probably already know that you exist). Then… the cherry on top… the pièce de résistance… drop a sentence like this: I really think I’d like to challenge your love of VixSkin — I know, a bold claim, but hey, if you don’t set a challenge, where’s the fun in life? So, full disclosure: I . . . read more

Review: Buck

Review: Buck

Is there a VixSkin oversaturation point? I now own seven things made out of this dual-density silicone, yet I’m still impressed by its ability to make every shape of dildo better. Fact: VixSkin will spoil you. You will forget what life was like before it. It will eat you out of house and lube, and you won’t even care. The Vixen Creations Buck is no exception. In fact, although the material no longer shocks me with its squishy majesty, Buck is one of my favorite VixSkin dildos yet. I’m talking top three material. After much testing and many orgasms that I didn’t mean to have quite so quickly, I have “discovered” something that simply looking at the fucking toy would tell you . . . read more

Review: Leo

Review: Leo

As with any type of collector, the phrase “limited edition” is like a dog whistle to my ears. Add the color orange to the equation and I’m like a dog that has just savored a long car ride with the windows rolled down and is now bounding at breakneck speed into a park because I’ve spotted the perfect pile of shit to roll around in. The Vixen Creations Leoweenie is a limited edition version of Vixen’s popular Leo, and although the name Leoweenie is pretty good, I feel like this was a missed opportunity to call the dildo batcock. I was a bit disappointed in the coloring, too. In all the product photos, the orange looks super vibrant and the bats look hardcore goth black. . . . read more

Review: James Deen dildos

Review: James Deen dildos

[Note: I no longer support James Deen or his work.] THE MOST ANTICIPATED SEX TOYS OF THE YEAR… WELL, ON TUMBLR ANYWAY. Having followed porn star James Deen for years, I think I can call myself an honorary Deenager. I have tagged him relentlessly, featured his ridiculously hot antics time after time in my Jack-off Journals, and even defended his honor when some fool on Nightline called his popularity “deeply disturbing.” So when Doc Johnson announced they’d be making his cock into a dildo, yes, the once-dormant teenybopper in me flailed a bit. I’ve never wanted a sex toy molded after anyone in particular, but James is ~different~. He is everyone’s pretend boyfriend. The chase began with Doc Johnson’s ads and pictures of the molding process. Then ANME rolled around . . . read more

Review: Lotus

Review: Lotus

[This dildo is no longer in production; the closest approximations would be this or this.] A glass dildo shaped like an actual cock sounded pretty nice. I’m a fiend for many realistic dildos, so why not try a similar shape in glass? I certainly didn’t own anything like it. And so I requested the Love Style Glass Lotus. The Lotus comes in a black, padded bag with the company name embroidered on it, and I am not joking when I say “padded.” In fact, the stuffing is all lopsided, so it resembles a shrunken, misshapen body pillow. It protects the toy, of course, but it’s bulky, and its unevenness makes it look cheap. The dildo itself is lovely, although it has a brownish . . . read more

Review: Mustang

Review: Mustang

[Eeee! This incredible dildo comes in neon pink and tie dye in addition to the skin tones!] Oh my god. This thing. You guys. This thing. It is SO GLORIOUS. It’s been nearly a year and a half since I fell in deep love with dual-density VixSkin, but not once in that time have I tried a realistic VixSkin dildo that was anything less than massive. Things were getting out of control. As my friend once said, “My size queen-ness is getting too extreme. I see a toy and quickly say ‘BUT IS IT HUGE?’” Sad but true — I started eliminating toys from my wishlist based on their dimensions alone. Big, big mistake. Do not do this. Inevitably a toy . . . read more

Review: Outlaw

Review: Outlaw

The Vixen Creations Outlaw is a beast. I think we can all agree on that. Towering at a freakish 8 1/2″ tall, with a girth of 2″ and an insanely detailed shaft, there is no denying the Outlaw’s presence. Mine is in the delicious chocolate color, which is deep and rich — probably my favorite of the three available skin tones. I’ve had bigger with Vixen’s Randy (2 3/16″), but Outlaw has that combination of length and girth that can make a sex toy truly daunting. It actually obstructs the porn on my monitor when I set it out on my desk. Made of amazing VixSkin dual-density silicone, Outlaw is realistic to the max. It is extremely squishy, with a firm inner . . . read more

Review: Talula

Review: Talula

I have never seen a sex toy angled like Vamp Talula. I mean, this thing is nuts. Just look at it. It juts out crazily. It falls over if I try to stand it up. And when I fuck myself with it, the bottom of the base faces the ceiling straight on. My Talula is the large version (2″ wide, 7″ long), and is made of rigid 100% silicone — although there is also a softer version. I’m not too hot on the color I received (a light cream), especially knowing that Vamp makes a swirly red version, but I’ll survive. Vamp still has some perfecting to do with their dildo-making technique; my Talula is peeling very slightly on one edge . . . read more