Dec 092014
 

OVO L1 Silicone Love BallsMy rollercoaster ride with the OVO L1 Silicone Love Balls began one fateful afternoon in August.

Days before, I’d sweated my ass off cleaning and organizing my garage. But it was not completely The Worst, because I had the LELO Luna Beads in my vag. They jiggled and joggled as I hauled boxes back and forth, reminding me that life was perhaps worth living despite the creeping despair that comes with realizing you own way too much goddamn stuff.

Then, a few days later, I put in the OVO kegel balls, hoping to replicate the experience as I continued packing for my new home. And… I promptly forgot they were in. They were in for many hours, and I was doing strenuous work, yet they did not shiver, they did not stimulate. Several times, I half-assedly considered taking them out, but then went back to whatever I was doing. The only reason I remembered to remove them before I went to bed was because I saw the string dangling out of my vag when I went to pee.

This has not always been my experience. A week ago I wore them all day as I journeyed to the vet, to the recycling center, and to Target, and I did feel them jiggle some of the time. A few days ago, my boyfriend recorded drums while I did the vag ball dance to the beat, and they rolled around in response. I think I can feel the silver balls (which weigh 90 grams) more easily than the blue clear balls (70 grams).

I was starting to feel like maybe I should give the OVO balls an okay review. With a price tag of $17.99, you’d be forgiven for wanting to snatch them up just to try them. But a plot twist was yet to come.

I knew something was amiss when I first took them out of the box and realized they look ABSOLUTELY NOTHING like the digitally-rendered versions of themselves. The silver balls are chintzy, easily scratched, and have visible seams. The white silicone holster seems like an unfinished art project — the retrieval string (which is stupidly stretchy, because of course it is) has jagged edges and a stupid gem tacked onto the end for no apparent reason, all of which irritate my vulva in use.

Chipping silver paint and broken open OVO L1 Silicone Love BallsThen, as I was finishing this review and examining the OVO balls more closely, I noticed that the silver coating was chipping off. A few drags with my thumbnail over the surface and even more started flaking all over my fingers. Um, fuck that shit. Nobody needs a sex toy with gross silver cancer paint — I don’t care how cheap it is.

My vagina is getting tired, y’all. I’ve tried damn near every kegel ball in existence, and few are worthwhile. I couldn’t feel the Hold On To MeLuna Beads Mini, Maia balls, or Toyfriend Trainers. The Key Stella II nudges my cervix too much. The Vanity VR1 promised innovation and did not deliver. Evi is just a rigid blob. The Je Joue Ami set was okay but not at all worth $59. And the OVO balls are really badly constructed at least — harmful at worst.

My advice? Stick to the California Exotic kegel balls for $19.99, made with nothing more than non-porous plastic and pure silicone. The rumbly rolling sensation is very easily felt in that set, similarly to my favorite but more expensive LELO Luna Beads. The retrieval string is obnoxiously stretchy, because of course it is, but at least it doesn’t have weird edges and an unnecessary jewel.

And unlike the OVO balls, they won’t shed silver flakes into your vagina.

[I originally received this product from SheVibe, but they
have pulled it from their site due to this review. They rule.]

/* ]]> */