I can’t prove it — unless Google Talk instant message logs count as evidence — but I had this idea first. Rolly kegel balls in a butt plug? Oh yes. Years ago. You can imagine my delight when not one but two companies came out with products closely following my vision. You can imagine my despair when both of them failed me. The Marc Dorcel Geisha Plug was the first to let me down. First with the name, because NO. Second with the “diamond” base. Chintzy and laughable, it looks like one of those fake mirrors a Barbie would hold. But mostly with the sensation. The Geisha Plug’s bulb is smaller than a marshmallow, so it’s easily inserted… but something feels immediately, . . . read more

My rollercoaster ride with the OVO L1 Silicone Love Balls began one fateful afternoon in August. Days before, I’d sweated my ass off cleaning and organizing my garage. But it was not completely The Worst, because I had the LELO Luna Beads in my vag. They jiggled and joggled as I hauled boxes back and forth, reminding me that life was perhaps worth living despite the creeping despair that comes with realizing you own way too much goddamn stuff. Then, a few days later, I put in the OVO kegel balls, hoping to replicate the experience as I continued packing for my new home. And… I promptly forgot they were in. They were in for many hours, and I was doing strenuous work, yet they did not shiver, they . . . read more

Just as I am not a lube connoisseur, I am also not a condom connoisseur. I haven’t tried a ton of them and don’t feel strongly about any particular brand. So when I was contacted by Unique Condom, I thought it would be best if I enlisted the help of friends, fellow bloggers, and brave souls who follow me on Twitter. Plus, it would create a sample size of humans that would be hard to discount. Yep — on this one, you can’t just blame my picky vagina (although I know how much you guys love my vagina). The Unique Condom is a non-latex (synthetic polyethylene resin) condom that comes in a credit card sized package. It’s $7.99 for the 3-pack, . . . read more

The Leaf Life looks like something you’d pick up along a nature trail. Colored a cheery green and shaped like a fat leaf or a pointy slug, the Life is manufactured by BMS Factory and comes from a line of vibes inspired by nature that I found too intriguing to ignore. And I’m glad I tried one (the right one, perhaps), because… I really like it. The Life comes in a brown cardboard box that looks all eco-schmancy, but there’s nothing that makes this toy more eco-friendly than any other rechargeable vibe. It does come with a sweet storage bag. It does not charge magnetically, but instead one must impale the toy with a jack in the same way as with the . . . read more

The Lady Calston Y-Bullet is a HIGH-TECH device. It plugs into your USB PORT. It runs off PURE USB ADRENALINE. Its plastic box reads, Make Your Next MSN Web Cam Chat… A Y-Bullet Sexperience. When I plug the Y-Bullet into my desktop computer, both my monitors go black and fall into a deep sleep, not to be woken again until I turn the computer off and back on. This horrifying phenomenon doesn’t take place on my laptop or my boyfriend’s computer, but the fact that it is a possibility should be enough to deter you. If not, here’s the rest: it has one speed. Two if you’re really touchy with it. It’s powerful enough, I guess, but the speed is incredibly . . . read more

I know what you’re thinking. After such distressing trysts with Jimmyjane’s Form 6, Form 2, and Form 3, why the fuck would I want to try the (inventively-named) Form 4? I’ll tell you why. Because I was still waiting for Jimmyjane to get something right. And yes, I just used the past tense. The Form 4 is “right.” It has no glitches, no stupid gimmicks, no weird shape. It gets me off without me having to re-position it a thousand times. It’s solid and reliable, and I’ll be keeping it around. Yet, would I describe the Form 4 as “awesome” or “worth the money”? No. Perhaps I’d feel differently if I liked more broad clitoral stimulation. Or if I really really liked . . . read more

I’ve been dreading writing this review. I’ve been putting it off. I’ve been typing and deleting, trying to form sentences that adequately explain my feelings without sounding like a total grump. But I’m going to sound like a grump no matter what, because I really don’t like the Jimmyjane Form 6. Sometimes, I come quite close to loathing it. A few people like this toy, and I objectively see why: it’s rechargeable, waterproof, has dual motors, is double-ended, and feels unique both externally and internally. That is all true, but for me, using the Form 6 puts me in a bad mood. The Form 6 is an expensive ($175) silicone vibrator. Due to the motors inside, the whole toy is hard as a rock. It’s . . . read more

There are a lot of vibrators in the world, but few that charge via USB. That’s why I wanted the Xtassie Cocomini. Okay, that and it comes in freaking TURQUOISE. Who can argue with turquoise? Well, it turns out even turquoise and a USB port can’t save a mediocre vibrator. The Cocomini is packaged in a cute purse-shaped green and black box. It comes with a flimsy white drawstring pouch that is not only fairly transparent, but does not stay closed at all (the moment I let go of the strings, the neck of the pouch relaxes completely). It also comes with a manual in 500 languages and a 4.5″ A/Mini-B USB cable. The tiny Mini-B side of the cable . . . read more

There’s only so much you can say about a $20 plastic vibrator, and so I won’t say much. The Waterproof Slender Probe measures 6 3/4″ in length, with a diameter of 1″. It takes two AAA batteries, easily loaded into the base. There are horizontal seams galore — one on the shaft, and one on the head (luckily, I can’t feel them during use). Vibration intensity is controlled by a dial base; vibrations are quiet and the highest level is middle-of-the-road. Oh, and uh, it’s waterproof. If you didn’t know. For my purposes in this project, the question is: does it rule the G-spot? No. And trust me; I gave it all the chances in the world. I employed it . . . read more