Review: Gyrating Massager


When I saw this vibrator in its package for the first time, I gasped. It looked gargantuan. Huge. Dong-like. The art surrounding the actual toy is supposed to make the vibrator look as though it is “gyrating”; this only added to my impression of the vibrator as uber-massive. Wimpy rhinestones could not assuage me.

Other than my boyfriend’s penis, nothing else I’ve stuck in my vagina has been bigger than 1 1/4 inches in diameter. This vibe’s diameter is only 1 1/2 inches, which isn’t especially large for experienced toy/penis users. But that 1/4 inch makes all the difference for my wuss of a puss. Plus, this vibe doesn’t have an easy-entry tip, and it’s made of hard (albeit velvety) plastic.

And it… gyrates? We’ll see about that.

But first I had to go to the store and pick up a package of C batteries. I was none too happy about it, as I use rechargeable AAs/AAAs for nearly all of my toys. Nonetheless, I was excited to witness extreme gyration. The definition of gyrate is “to wind or move in a spiral course” — so I was quite interested in finding out how plastic would be able to do that. Back at home, I slid 2 Cs into the end of the vibrator and screwed the base on. I turned the dial.

And… it vibrated. Like any other vibrator. If you really want to get technical, it was such a low rumble of a vibration that it’s possible it was turning tiny little circles — but I doubt it. I turned it up a notch, and it vibrated harder. I turned it to its last setting —


The vibrator threatened to jump out of my hand. The batteries rattled inside it so loudly that I had to raise my voice over the noise to tell my boyfriend, “This is the loudest vibrator I’ve EVER HEARD.” We both cracked up in disbelief; then I promptly turned it off.

Yes, the monstrous Gyrating Massager only has 3 levels of vibration.

  1.  “Aw, that’s nice and mild.”
  2. “Um, I can hear the batteries rattling.”
  3. “”WHAT THE *#&@!?”

I thought C batteries would offer a much wider range of vibration levels (or at least a few weird functions or something), but no. Just jackhammer-esque loudness.

After acclimating my vagina to large objects with my Icicles No. 8, and then my Gold Ribbed Love Wand, I drizzled some lube on the end of the Gyrating Massager and inserted it. It wasn’t as challenging as I suspected it would be. In fact, it almost felt… good? Yes, as much as I was prepared to hate this toy based on noise alone, it certainly filled me up in a new way.

The first two vibration levels were decent. I began slowly thrusting with the Gyrating Massager. I couldn’t really feel the little ripples on the body of the vibrator, so that was a bust, but otherwise it felt moderately pleasurable.

After putting it off for a while, I finally bit the bullet and turned the dial to the highest setting. Holy crap. It was not fun. The vibration was so strong that it actually made me want to pee. And it numbed my entire vulva. I seriously could no longer feel my bullet on my clit. I did notice that that battery rattling sound was muffled a lot when I had the vibe inserted, but the moment I pulled it out, it started rattling to high heaven again.

For now, this will be my “fill-me-up” toy until I find a silicone equivalent. I just won’t be turning it past the second vibration level, unless I want to scare my friends.