Review: Monkey Spanker

Monkey Spanker

The Monkey Spanker is so weird-looking that my boyfriend had to try it. The toy consists of a plastic handle, a soft and vaguely ribbed entrance, and a vibrating bullet that locks into the handle. My boyfriend admitted that he was drawn to the idea of vibration, but I think both of us were wondering just how on earth something shaped like that could be stimulating.

The Monkey Spanker came in a ziplock bag with a cardboard insert that reminded me of an infomercial. My boyfriend was not impressed by the grinning monkey face on the packaging because, although the name “Monkey Spanker” does not bother him, he said, “they felt the need to make it literal.” I was more concerned with the package’s indistinct promise of “medical grade material.” There is no reason a company would avoid the word “silicone” if their product were indeed made of silicone. For this reason, and because I’ve seen the material for this listed as “rubber” before, I’m going to assume it’s not silicone.

My boyfriend’s previous masturbation sleeve experience is minimal, but he had mild success with the Maven sleeve. His main qualms about the Maven were twofold: it was cumbersome, and it over-stimulated the head of his penis. He still thought it was decent, though.

I could tell this was a different thing when he reported to me that he had attempted to use the Monkey Spanker, but had very quickly given up. The sleeve wasn’t stroking enough of his penis at one time, so he threw it down in disgust (“did you really throw it down in disgust?” I asked. “Yes.”).

Of course, I forced him to use it again. This time, he found a few positives: it’s lightweight and easy to hold, and the sleeve is sufficiently tight. However, none of this makes up for the minimal amount of stimulation the Monkey Spanker provides. The bullet adds a tiny bit of stimulation (an “almost inconsequential amount,” he says), but it’s quite loud. The sleeve material is not textured, so it adds nothing. And even with a lot of lube in play, the movement of the sleeve felt jerky to him, not smooth.

Then there’s the head issue. If you’re a fan of head stimulation, this is about the worst toy you could buy. It takes far too much effort to slide the sleeve over the head of one’s penis and then back down. Even my boyfriend, who is not big on head stimulation, was irritated by the lack of it. It’s worth noting, also, that fans of suction will find nothing to love about the Monkey Spanker.

Ultimately, many of my questions about the Monkey Spanker could, and were, answered thus: “It was hard to tell because there was so little of it on my penis at once.”

And that is what this comes down to. Not enough stimulation, and the fact that his hand feels way, way better.