This will be your life.

My desk, covered in messy used dildos and vibrators, with a bottle of lube in the foreground.

Look, I get it. You think this is a picture of a FUN FUN SUPER FUN night. I know — you’d kill to own that many sex toys. But I would gently ask that you acquire a sense of scale and absorb what you are seeing here — five dildos, two of them enormous, two vibes, and a bottle of lube, consuming my desk. So many toys that I ran out of paper towel, so I resorted to setting them on my notebook as I used them.

These toys were for one masturbation session, and I had a reason for using every single one. I did not choose this line-up based on what I actually wanted to put on/in my genitals (although I do adore some of them), but that is what being a sex toy reviewer is about. I’m grateful that this is my job, trust, but it’s not like I’m over here painting my toenails while someone holds a vibe to my clit and I dictate my reviews into a text-to-speech program.

Whenever someone insinuates that sex toy reviewing is easy, I just want to shake them and say THIS WILL BE YOUR LIFE. Are you prepared for this to be your life? You will put things your vagina that you don’t even want to put in there. Before this, all your toys were clean. Before you slathered all your goo on them. Now this mess is sitting on the kitchen counter, soiling your partner’s perfectly-cleaned kitchen. And you have to clean those motherfuckers… sometime. But not right now. Because your vagina is in recovery from the fucking Tantus T-Rex. Tomorrow, though, before your partner’s friend comes over and finds the dildo wreckage, you’ll have to scrub each one and put them all away.

Because god forbid you look like a size queen perv.

Things in your vagina. Things in your vagina. Things always in your vagina, on your counters, in your drawers. And at some point, no matter how hard you try, someone will see your vaginal secretions.