Aug 092012

So this is an actual thing.

I don’t know why it’s called The Original Peter Piper, because I’m pretty sure the original Peter Piper is the one from 1813 who picked a peck of pickled peppers, not a glass dildo for potheads. But then again, this is from Pipedream, the same people who brought us the failtastic Fetish Fantasy series, the quartet of terrible lubes, and heaps of racist/sexist shit, so I don’t know why I expect them to be historically accurate… or remotely respectable.

This 10″ glass dong is smooth and sensuous and doubles as a pipe, perfect for enjoying your favorite smoke right before you enjoy each other! Try it with a friend; one takes a toke, the other gets a poke!

It all makes sense to me now, the reason I’ve never smoked pot: nobody had yet to incorporate a dildo into the process! SOLD. I will now proceed to become a full-fledged stoner with weed bud particles spilling out of my vagina.

I am not sure I fully understand the logistics of this item (I will not dignify it by calling it a toy), but one thing’s for sure: potheads are way too lazy to hold up that much pipe. [Edit, 2/7/17: Because I care, I’ve come here 4 years after originally writing this to inform you of the existence the Schlong Bong which, thankfully, doesn’t purport to be a dildo too. You’re welcome?]

BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE. There is, unfortunately, more, and it’s called… the Erotic Cigar. “Erotic” — I don’t think that word means what you think it means.

Who would buy this. Who would buy this? Who would buy this?! I don’t want to meet such a person. I guess it’s for either Bill Clinton or the five super mature men left on earth who think it’s ~so hawt~ when a woman eats a banana or popsicle.

Most of the photos of the Erotic Cigar feature the eyeless, sun-hat-wearing model sensually holding the cigar just barely to her lips. Because oh yeah, when you actually smoke it you look like a fucking tool:

On their website you can witness the ANIMATED GREEN SMOKE EFFECT. Their slogan is “sometimes a cigar ISN’T just a cigar,” and yet, two seconds later, they state that “even though you will be tempted to try it… this cigar is NOT meant to be used as a sex toy.”

So it is just a cigar then. Right.

  • This post is best read whilst eating Ketchup chips and listening to Phish. Trufax.

  • Really though, that is one awkward toy. I don’t want anyone smoking out of my vagina. I especially don’t want a lighter that close to my clitoris! I don’t play those games.

  • J

    I really hope nobody sticks that dildo/pipe thing up any orifices after it’s been used for smoking. Sounds like a yeast infection waiting to happy.

  • J

    And by happy I meant happen. ERGH.

  • This reminds me a bit of the old practices of blowing smoke up people’s anuses and vaginas as an attempt of resuscitation in drowning victims. I kid you not.

  • I am very confused by this toy. Why, world? I ask you, why!

  • I had no idea that was a thing! I’ve heard the expression, but didn’t know the root. Very interesting!

  • A.B. Baasmile

    LOL. I can’t. I can’t. The pictures…I’m laughing so har right now…it’s equally disturbing and HILARIOUS. LOLOLOLOL

  • A Big Butt and a Smile

    Oh the mental image. LOL

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  • awkwardshrub

    “I will now proceed to become a full-fledged stoner with weed bud particles spilling out of my vagina.” someone needs to use a meme generator with that.


  • Pegasister42

    It also seems like smoking with the pipe would heat it up significantly, making its use as a sex toy immediately afterwards unlikely at best.

  • Tmcaurinus

    My thoughts exactly.

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