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Um, No: Peter Piper and Erotic Cigar

Guess I’ll become a full-fledged stoner with weed spilling out of my vagina.

Pipedream Original Peter Piper pipe/dildo hybrid against a psychedelic rainbow background.
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So this is an actual thing.

I don’t know why it’s called The Original Peter Piper, because I’m pretty sure the original Peter Piper is the one from 1813 who picked a peck of pickled peppers, not a glass dildo for potheads. But then again, this is from Pipedream, the same people who brought us the failtastic Fetish Fantasy series, the quartet of terrible lubes, and heaps of racist/sexist shit, so I don’t know why I expect them to be historically accurate… or remotely respectable.

This 10″ glass dong is smooth and sensuous and doubles as a pipe, perfect for enjoying your favorite smoke right before you enjoy each other! Try it with a friend; one takes a toke, the other gets a poke!

Peter Piper in the package, listed as an "8" Pecker Puffer"

It all makes sense to me now, the reason I’ve never smoked pot: nobody had yet to incorporate a dildo into the process! SOLD. I will now proceed to become a full-fledged stoner with weed bud particles spilling out of my vagina.

I am not sure I fully understand the logistics of this item (I will not dignify it by calling it a toy), but one thing’s for sure: potheads are way too lazy to hold up that much pipe. [Edit, 2/7/17: Because I care, I’ve come here 4 years after originally writing this to inform you of the existence the Schlong Bong which, thankfully, doesn’t purport to be a dildo too. You’re welcome?]

BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE. There is, unfortunately, more, and it’s called… the Erotic Cigar. “Erotic” — I don’t think that word means what you think it means.

A woman smoking an enormous cigar that is shaped like a penis.

Who would buy this. Who would buy this? Who would buy this?! I don’t want to meet such a person. I guess it’s for either Bill Clinton or the five super mature men left on earth who think it’s ~so hawt~ when a woman eats a banana or popsicle.

Most of the photos of the Erotic Cigar feature the eyeless, sun-hat-wearing model sensually holding the cigar just barely to her lips. Because oh yeah, when you actually smoke it you look like a fucking tool:

A woman smoking an enormous cigar that is shaped like a penis. It looks ridiculous.

On their website you can witness the ANIMATED GREEN SMOKE EFFECT. Their slogan is “sometimes a cigar ISN’T just a cigar,” and yet, two seconds later, they state that “even though you will be tempted to try it… this cigar is NOT meant to be used as a sex toy.”

So it is just a cigar then. Right.