Nov 102012

Look, I get it. You think this is a picture of a FUN FUN SUPER FUN night. I know — you’d kill to own that many sex toys. But I would gently ask that you acquire a sense of scale and absorb what you are seeing here — five dildos, two of them enormous, two vibes, and a bottle of lube, consuming my desk. So many toys that I ran out of paper towel, so I resorted to setting them on my notebook as I used them.

These toys were for one masturbation session, and I had a reason for using every single one. I did not choose this line-up based on what I actually wanted to put on/in my genitals (although I do adore some of them), but that is what being a sex toy reviewer is about. I’m grateful that this is my job, trust, but it’s not like I’m over here painting my toenails while someone holds a vibe to my clit and I dictate my reviews into a text-to-speech program.

Whenever someone insinuates that sex toy reviewing is easy, I just want to shake them and say THIS WILL BE YOUR LIFE. Are you prepared for this to be your life? You will put things your vagina that you don’t even want to put in there. Before this, all your toys were clean. Before you slathered all your goo on them. Now this mess is sitting on the kitchen counter, soiling your partner’s perfectly-cleaned kitchen. And you have to clean those motherfuckers… sometime. But not right now. Because your vagina is in recovery from the fucking Tantus T-Rex. Tomorrow, though, before your partner’s friend comes over and finds the dildo wreckage, you’ll have to scrub each one and put them all away.

Because god forbid you look like a size queen perv.

Things in your vagina. Things in your vagina. Things always in your vagina, on your counters, in your drawers. And at some point, no matter how hard you try, someone will see your vaginal secretions.

  • Yeah, this is pretty much how I feel about this too. People don’t seem to think through what it takes. It isn’t all lovely orgasms and sparkles!

  • Yup this is slowly what things are turning into with my life. That and so much porn that I am not sure if I can watch it all…

  • Kira

    Yes, all of this. I *have* to masturbate daily. Like, if I don’t I get that feeling that some people get when they’ve been sick a day or two and they go back to work with a desk full of paperwork. Like “omg how will I ever catch up?!” Masturbation should just not give people that feeling.

    Then, on top of that, I can’t just enjoy myself. No, I have to think “does this feel too firm or too soft? Am I hitting G-spot well enough with this? Is the texture okay?” SO. MUCH. THINKING. I just wanna get off already!

    I mean, it’s great and I love it, but it’s waaay more work than people think. Very time consuming and sometimes stressful.

  • ⅉOℝℇℇ

    …I love this blog. Bless your heart. seriously.

  • nuala macmoragh

    Holy crap. Perhaps you need a sitz bath and an ice pack after such a workout! Child birth is going to be a cake walk for you, I fear, if you decide to do it!

  • Toy Femme

    LOL. I love your dedication E. I salute your vagina.

  • Frankie

    I wish I could make myself masturbate even weekly. I just don’t have the desire. Or the obligation lol.

    On an unrelated note, this is probably a problem with my laptop, but i’m scrolling down when suddenly this! appears on your sidebar. Now, I looked on amazon at the Darn Squirrels book earlier, but I can’t get it to go away. Closed, refresh, nothing.

  • Britni

    I don’t miss reviewing toys at all.

  • Paris Talor

    Great blog – I love your honesty! I’ve done a post on masturbation too, interesting to see your take on it with it being your job you are obviously very knowlegable!

    Paris –

  • This should be required reading for all those considering doing a blog that reviews sex toys….

  • You have hit the nail on the head. 🙂 People tend to pop in on you and before you know it, they’ve seen your sex toys scattered about.

    Not to mention, It’s truly a job. No just kicking back and enjoying the feeling. Nope, you always have to think.

    It’s something we love. but at the end of the day, blogging and sex toy reviews is like a job.

  • Krissy Novacaine

    But but… I <3 my T-rex

  • You are a stronger human than I!

  • Robin McClanahan

    I seriously appreciate that you talk about the not fun parts of this job. And oddly, reading posts like this has served to solidify my desire to review sex toys from my own weird little niche. (That is, can XYZ toy get me off even though I am a disabled person with no stamina, on dozens of drugs with side effects of vaginal dryness/dampening of sexual response/other sexually inconvenient stuff?) I see the downsides and think, “Damn, that might really suck. But I’m already a writer, and I love it. I love sex and have no problem talking about it, and I miss it, and I want to find more things that work for me, and maybe for other people like me. I think that measure of suck is worth it.”
    So what I’m saying is that before I read these types of things, I thought I really MIGHT want to do this, and after reading, I KNOW that I want to. Thank you for the strangely affirming reality checks, Epiphora.

    Also, because I’m a contrarian dickhead, I want to disobey the sex toy manual warnings. “Do not use on disabled persons.” Phhhbt. Why don’t we let the disabled persons decide what they can use? We’re a very resourceful lot. 😉

  • Tzipora

    This is very much why while I’m seriously considering starting a sex positive blog from a physically disabled queer perspective (because damn it, we need this! We being both the sex positive community and the disabled community) I definitely don’t want to focus on sex toy reviews. I mean for that, I have you and lots of other awesome folks though I would maybe like to focus on disability friendly toys… Not that are many really. Not for my needs at least. But in that sense that’s a niche we need more of too. But yeah, no I can so picture myself enduring a long list of sex toy related injuries or my hands already like to flip out and sort of end up stuck in place gripping things so… I don’t wanna be the girl who shows up to the doctor with a death grip on a dildo. 😛

    You have a much more courageous vagina than me. I salute you. (And my own vagina thanks you).

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