Jan 102013
 

LELO Luna Beads MiniThis is so disappointing, you guys. And a sex toy reviewer’s nightmare. But I just cannot feel the LELO Luna Beads Mini in my vagina.

I really really love the original Luna Beads. They are my favorite vag balls. They make me want to dance, and I don’t dance. I never had an issue with their size. But if the Luna Beads Mini packed the same stimulation in a smaller package, I wanted to know, because some folks do not have cavernous vaginas like me.

The Luna Beads Mini are 3″ insertable and each ball is 1.23″ in diameter, versus the original Luna Beads’ 3.5″ insertable and 1.43″ in diameter. With the blue weights in each, the Minis weigh 2.6 ounces while the originals weigh 2.95 ounces. (As with the originals, the Mini come with two sets of weighted beads.)

In the hand, the Luna Beads Mini certainly sound substantial. They make quite a fuss, rattling louder than the originals. I used to think that the more sound vag balls made when shaken, the better the internal stimulation. Now I know this is false, because 99% of the time wearing the Luna Beads Mini, I feel nothing.

The whole fun of the original Luna Beads is feeling the inner balls roll around, then clenching around them and making them shiver with the sheer power of my vag. With the Minis, I only get vague, fleeting rolls once in a great while. The only way I can consistently feel the rolling is if I jump up and down. And I can’t feel them by clenching either.

Once I rose up quickly out of my chair and thought I felt something — but it was just my back popping.

The Luna Beads Mini are, of course, easier to insert than the originals. They go past my pubic bone easily, whereas the originals have to be finagled a bit more. In fact, I have to fish around in my vagina to find the fabric retrieval loop. Supposedly the Minis are for women like me, people under 30 who have not pushed babies out of themselves. But I don’t agree. Since users do not have to struggle to hold any of the Luna Beads in (as you might with traditional ben wa balls), there is little reason to differentiate. We should go on sensation alone, and the Minis do not bring it.

And as much as I like submitting ominous tweets with no context that inevitably invite “that’s what she said” jokes…

I mostly am just disappoint.

Funny story, though: other bloggers experience loud vaginas when wearing the Luna Beads Mini. I don’t. At first I thought that other reviewers had echo chambers for vaginas, but then I realized (and verified with LELO) that the design has changed. First generation Luna Beads Mini contained bare metal balls that would roll around very, very noisily. The balls in mine have a rubber outer coating, just as the originals do.

Yet again, LELO listened to consumer feedback and fixed the issue. Now, I can safely assure you that you can go out in public and nobody’s going to exclaim, “Well! I declare! I think that woman has something lascivious in her nether regions!” I even did some extreme naked pelvic thrusting toward my phone’s microphone to be sure. I’d upload it, but it’s just 16 seconds of phone movement and mouth-breathing. You can’t hear the balls at all. File this under Shit Sex Toy Reviewers Do and let’s never speak of it again.

ANYWAY. I do believe I’ve now sussed out the winning formula for vaginal balls, at least if you want to feel them in use. They must not be too small; they must not be slathered in silicone; and they must leave sufficient room for the inner ball to roll around in. Oh, and it helps my psyche if the retrieval string is not stretchy. The problem with this? Very few vag balls tick all those boxes. So far it’s the original Luna Beads, all by their lonesome. ((If you take out the retrieval string thing, the California Exotic Anastasia’s Delight Orgasm Balls are decent.))

If, however, the original Luna Beads are too big for you and you don’t care about feeling them in use, the Luna Beads Mini are an option. They’re the same price ($59) as the original Luna Beads. The Minis also come in a Noir version with just one set of beads if you want to save some money and/or your vagina wants to be goth.

If the test is whether the Luna Beads Mini fit comfortably in my vagina, well then — mission accomplished. But that’s not the test. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: if I can’t feel vag balls in use, WHY AM I USING VAG BALLS. Without something noticeable to remind me to do kegels, the Luna Beads Mini are about as useful to my PC muscles as a tampon or menstrual cup.

You know I love you, LELO. Your original Luna Beads are my jam. Your Ella was my first squirting jam. Your Mona 2 has been my nightstand jam for the past several months. Sometimes you fail, sometimes quite miserably, but you listen to feedback and your intentions are good. I don’t even blame you for trying to capitalize on Fifty Shades of Grey. But the Luna Beads Mini are a bust.

Get the ORIGINAL Luna Beads, which are much better, at one of my fave shops:
SheVibe, LELOPleasure Chest, Spectrum Boutique, or Lovehoney (international).

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