May 202015
 

BlissMe vibrators: Mr. Cowboy, Mr. U.K., Mr. Right, Mr. Badboy, and Mr. C.E.O

Whatever could be so offensive about vibrators that look this boring?

FORT LAUDERDALE, Fla. — BlissMe founder Daniel Mederos says his new sex toy business concept is a bit different from others because the company doesn’t just market a product, it provides a service as well.

“At BlissMe Vibrators we wanted to encompass the idea of infidelity being an option through our vibrators,” Mederos said. “So what we have created is a service where consumers buy our products and we provide them with an e-mail from our list of vibrators since each of our five vibrators have personalities.”

Those personalities include Mr. Right, Mr. CEO, Mr. Badboy, Mr. U.K. and Mr. Cowboy.

Yes, how did earth keep spinning before someone created sex toys named after masculine stereotypes that customers can use to “cheat” on their actual, human partners?

This fucking guy. You just know his condo reeks of cologne and shaving cream. You just know he had this “brilliant” idea one night after knocking back too many Irish Car Bombs with his colleagues, ranting about how women only love CEOs and dudes with accents. (Holy shit, is this the guy from the LELO Pino video?)

If there was a bingo card for douchebags launching sex toy companies, I’d be winning right now. Count how many assumptions this company makes. The first being that the only people who buy vibrators are women. Cis, hetero women. LONELY WOMEN. They love pink, because #women, and they’re incredibly shallow, because #women.

BlissMe "The Mister Collection"

Rather than purchase a sex toy for its shape and how it would actually feel, BlissMe encourages you to pick a toy based on its “Mister” personality. All these guys sound like complete dicks:

Mr. C.E.O is not a man who has time for foreplay, he gets right to business and doesn’t mind asking you to strip for him so he can admire you.

[Mr. Right is] the kind of man who knows you’ve had some times you regret but doesn’t judge you for them, in fact, he never brings them up . . . There’s nothing that turns Mr. Right on more than hearing about your secrets.

Mr. U.K is a man full of funny and creative stories, some that sound too good to be true!

Mr. Badboy is a man who is protective of his woman and loves the fact that you may think he’s a bit mysterious and unpredictable.

[Mr. Cowboy] is widely known as a successful country musician but loves nothing more than to take you for a ride in his truck or getting on a 4-wheeler and going mudding.

He wants to take you mudding. This vibrator wants to take you mudding. Are you not instantly aroused?

Be careful, though, because your choice of “Mister” will impact the number and content of the “monthly juicy e-mails” sent to you. For example, Mr. CEO only sends one, and he has to clear his entire schedule for a day to write it, so YOU BETTER BE THANKFUL.

(Let’s not forget there’s an actual dude behind these emails, likely jacking off with lotion as he pens his masterpieces. I swear, I’m becoming gayer by the second.)

The website boasts that “BlissMe© Vibrators is the world’s leading designer brand for intimate lifestyle products. Launched in 2007, BlissMe© Vibrators is famous for transforming the look, feel and function of how personal massagers are perceived.” Um. The domain was registered a month ago, and literally all their social media accounts were created in the last 2 months. Claiming you’re famous and world-renowned does not make it so. You got drunk and registered a domain. You’re not saving the goddamn world.

AND OH LOOK, that entire statement was plagiarized from LELO.

Because yeah, BlissMe is not transforming how vibrators are perceived. At all. Its designs are undeniably derivative,1 and its marketing relies entirely on tired, bullshit myths. Sex toys are not people. Using them is not cheating. Women do not need heteronormative gimmicks to be wooed into buying things.

I love sex toys precisely because they aren’t people. They don’t have genders and they don’t have agendas. They’re an escape from idiot men and their stupid expectations. If I wanted to be badgered by disingenuous romanticism with absolutely no orgasm to show for it, I’d go to any bar in America. With sex toys, I get what I want, and I do it myself. And there’s no guy in the corner asking me to fucking strip for him first.

  1. To the point that I’m wondering whether these toys even actually exist []
  • Panda Sauce

    WELL THEY HAVE ME PEGGED. Ain’t nothing I want more in a vibrator than something “a bit mysterious and unpredictable.”

    For fuck’s sake.

  • Yeah from what I can tell on Amazon, these are some sketchy-ass questionable toys mass produced by a sketchy-ass company that will print whatever logo you want on the toys & packaging.

    Mr. Right: amzn.to/1FCQiuU
    Mr. UK (pretty much): amzn.to/1K3rMkC
    Mr. Cowboy: amzn.to/1F2SxlO

    and so on…

  • nakedskeleton

    That middle one looks just like Evolved’s Devilish Rabbit.

  • Phoebe

    The images look Photoshopped as hell – ~Mr Cowboy~ in particular looks to have been badly cut from another image or badly recolored (or both), complete with awkward glowing border in the product close-ups to hide how bad it must look on a dark background – but maybe I just desperately want these to not be a thing…

  • Dannicula

    Also if you have a male partner you are immediately having bad sex/romance so of course this is about getting what your man won’t give you, rather than simply what you want, or heaven forbid, HELPING that man give you what you want.

    I read about this a few days ago and just… What the shit. As a cis, hetero woman I am beyond insulted.

  • Spangle

    Yeah, I’m starting to question the physical existence of these, at least in their “Mr.” form. It’s kind of hilarious how incongruent all the designs are. They could have at least had a theme…and no, pink is not a theme.

  • Rena M

    This guy’s trying to get all his bases covered. He’s selling these vibrators as “handmade” on Etsy (www.etsy.com/shop/Bmvibrators) as well. The shop just opened March 10th.

  • WHAT A DICK

  • Rena M

    Thankfully, he doesn’t have any sales yet, but I already went ahead and reported him.

  • Dannicula

    Pretty sure the second from left already exists. Like, in that EXACT form.

  • Dannicula

    WHAT THE FUCK, Etsy is flooded with shitty stuff as it is!

  • Yuck!!

  • Judy Hologram

    Puma Swede just launched a line with the same rabbit as well.

    http://pumaofsweden.com/

    Pretty ridiculous to have the same toy show up on AVN twice in two days.

  • Pretty sure the one on the far right is being sold by Bondara as an own-brand toy too.
    Pretty sure there’s no real consistent design either and that it reqlly is just a hodge podge of vaguely similar toys (because pink means similar amirite?).
    Pretty sure this guy is an asshole.

  • chcbrd09

    I believe my vocabulary is lacking to coherently express the revulsion, incredulity, and offence I’m feeling after learning of this “company”.

    … maybe being a shallow, pink-loving, cis, hetero, self-lacking, self-hating woman would help with that?

  • That’s the ticket!

  • Lia Heavvymetalqueen

    sometimes things are just so awful all I can do is stare and this is one of them

  • What do you mean pink isn’t every cis-woman’s favorite color? What do you mean they don’t need a man to enjoy sexy things??

    Ugh. Reading your blog has definitely heightened my standards for the toys I put inside me and the ones I encourage my friends to purchase as well.

  • jb

    This guy is an asshat. Since when is using a sex toy infidelity? My husband sticking his dick in a fleshlight is not the same thing as him sticking it in another woman’s vagina. Me inserting a sex toy is not the same thing as having sex with another person. And I don’t want to get emails from my sex toys – Yuck! I have a good variety of sex toys (thank you Epiphora for helping me choose wisely) but good grief, when I’m not currently in use, I want them clean and safely tucked away waiting for me to be in the mood, not emailing. JFC!

  • Krissy Novacaine

    Etsy no longer polices for handmade. You are allowed to sell manufactured goods. At least, last time I checked.

  • The only reason to actually order one would be to get to see just how atrocious the actual e-mails are. Also did he really think no one would notice the plagiarism and the bullshit? Jesus fuck. I hope he falls hard.

  • Jayme

    A major reason I use vibrators is so I can get what I want WITHOUT having to go to a bar and pick up a stranger who could be a thief/stalker/killer for all I know, and then bringing them back to a private space or god forbid, my HOME. So naturally as a hetero CIS #woman, of COURSE I want an ugly, cliched-looking vibrator with a hideous name, that even comes with periodic creepy-ass emails written by some nut jacking off at his computer in his parents’ basement. All women are turned on by that, aren’t they?

    I hope no poor newbies are fooled by this crap, even if they do want these vibrators- it looks like a scam to me, with the sole purpose of grabbing as much $$ as possible before it gets shut down. The Etsy page is gone already, thankfully. Great post as usual, Epiphora!

  • Jayme

    I am so sick of insecure men (and women) thinking of female sex toys as trying to “replace” a man. Although I am a hetero, currently single woman, if I wasn’t I would definitely introduce my man to my little battery-operated friends, and invite him to join us! And any person who feels like they are being replaced or threatened by sex toys probably has much more serious problems and they need professional help. Or a few toys of their own.

  • Jessica

    sadly, the Etsy page is not yet gone, it’s just that the link above is formatted incorrectly. Remove the last )

  • Jessica
  • Rin

    The Mr. U.K. description was bland as hell. The rest just made me feel unsafe. NOT a good thing to feel when hearing about prospective lovers, even when they’re not attached to sex toys from a “world famous” company I’ve never heard of. So massive fail in the turn-ons department.

  • Jayme

    Aw damn, I was hoping they disappeared into a black hole… 🙁

  • Tmcaurinus

    “Handmade” on Etsy certainly doesn’t mean handmade anymore, but they do require that the seller be the designer, the manufacturer, or both. And clearly this douche does not qualify. https://www.etsy.com/help/article/4511

  • Tmcaurinus

    Done!

  • Tmcaurinus

    Sent the piece of crap a message too…

  • Hungry Joe

    I think I can offer some insight here.

    I spotted all of these products at the recent China Adult Healthcare Expo in Shanghai. The products are from a couple of different Chinese manufacturers – you can tell they’re not all from the same brand from the button interfaces. A couple are LELO-like, and the rest are entirely different.

    What’s happening here is that some start-up distributor has bought some of these products straight from the manufacturer and is trying to build a brand around them (or is maybe even drop-shopping them to order). I was at the Expo on April 12, so maybe that’s when this guy picked up
    these products. Who knows: I could have stopped him if I’d have known.

    I actually held the one on the far left of the banner and it was OK, nothing to be particularly afraid of and nothing to love about it either. But the personality thing is really sickly.

    I’m not usually one to point out typos because I’m a writer myself, but there is a funny one on that website. The description for ‘Mr. Right’ reads: ” He’s the kind of man who will surprise you in bed with a single rose in a bed of pedals.”

    If someone filled my bed with pedals, I’d be surprised too.

  • Oh god, he’s also taking credit for travel locks as if they’re some brand new invention that he has made:
    “Mr. Cowboy incorporates our brand new BlissMe© locking mechanism to insure your privacy and pleasure and save you from those embarrassing moments”
    I…I’m just lost for words.

  • Jayme

    Just did!

  • This thing…this concept…ugh, why?

  • vulgarvag

    Because the guy behind this sounds like a complete asshat I’m going to go ahead and assume that he thinks “mudding” means some form of anal sex.

  • A man insecure about his penis size – & pissed at all the women he feels entitled to have fuck him -came up with this idea, right?

  • Amy Dentata

    “How can we monetize the sexual dissatisfaction of women created by patriarchy? But like, in a way that REINFORCES it all?”

  • Based on the awkwardly-written descriptions of the Misters, the emails would be a treat indeed!

  • THIS SEX TOY WON’T STOP BADGERING ME TO USE IT

  • brb throwing up

  • Artemisia Absinthium

    …all I can think of is this video about how awful a vibrator with a personality would actually be.

  • OH MY GOD YOU ARE SO RIGHT.

  • Artemisia Absinthium

    Also, I find it extra hilarious that the shopping part of said video was definitely filmed at Babeland.

  • Shana Messina

    Done, this congealed fuckwad needs to go away and sit in a landfill surrounded by his ‘Misters’ and think about what he tried to do.

  • Dannicula

    The concept is awful but this video is so right!

  • Dannicula

    “Vibrator?”

  • Come Heather

    This is gross. Gross to the point that I feel physically sick to my stomach. Surprised none of these “vibrators” want to coerce me into drinking too much and then date raping me.

  • Iris

    Okay, let’s just imagine for a moment that you were actually trying to assign a male personality to a vibrator. Wouldn’t it be…submissive?

    You give it the energy it needs to please you, then clean it up and put it in a box for next time. But I guess they can’t even imagine a woman wanting a sex slave sooooooo…

  • You know me well enough to know that my response is usually “well, let’s not overreact because too much yelling and stuff” but to this I can say, without reservation, what the actual fuck?

  • Isobel

    Your video reminded me of this:http://oglaf.com/shaft-drama/

  • Vivi Ho

    The styles and accents on the toys are completely different and the pinks don’t even match. It’s so obviously stolen that I almost can’t believe someone did this.

  • Tmcaurinus

    Well gosh, maybe I should try that with my cyclist partner…

  • I can’t even..

  • Jillian Boyd

    Nope.

  • FieryRed

    This guy needs to do a joint marketing campaign with E.L. James.

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  • AceDenise

    So it’s only “Mr Cowboy” that has the lock? Yeah, that’s not fishy AT ALL.

  • Tzipora

    I laughed out loud when you commented you were getting gayer by the second because I was feeling the same way reading about this. 😛

    Also somehow the Mr. Right description made me think of those Ryan Gosling “Hey Girl” memes. “Hey girl, I want to hear all your secrets” (while I vibrate against your clitoris, of course!)

    Though I dunno I sorta have a thing for the high power CEO type but in my head he is a she who looks extra sexy in a designer suit and heels… Okay see this is what fantasy is for. And nope, sorry I really don’t want my toys to email me… Unless the toys themselves did. Like “Yo Tzipora, This is your Hitachi. You need me right now. I’m serious. I’m getting lonely laying here in the basket by the bed. Think of my power! I will bring you to your knees!” And then like “Tzipora, don’t listen to Hitachi. This is your Fairy Mini wand….” And I’m gonna stop now because I was having too much fun. I like to give inanimate objects personalities. I also do it with body parts. But I don’t like make inanimate objects into fantasy sexual partners. Personality isn’t so much what I’m thinking about when I’m getting off or turned on anyway… Actually I’m surprised given the type of guy who came up with this it wasn’t like “Mr. Badboy has a 12″ cock and loves too…” Or something. Because I could so see a certain type of clueless male doing that.

  • sayitwithsarcophilus

    I think this guy’s missing a bet. If he got the idea of doing character-themed toys from the little stories on the Bad Dragon website, and he wanted to sell sex toys based on stereotypical ideas of what straight women are into, why didn’t he do a line of character-themed vampire dildos?

  • Olivia

    As a lesbian, this idea repels me more than usual. I just want fun toys, not infidelity or penis looking or reminiscent toys lol.

  • Olivia

    Whoa…perfect, I couldn’t agree more.

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  • Ana Maria

    So are they real? I’ve found (to my honest delight) no trace of them on the internet, I’m hopeful they’ve since completely dissapeared? Because what the actual goddamned fuck

  • The company imploded almost immediately. Gee, I wonder why?

  • Ana Maria

    Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Ha. Haha. Ha.

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