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You may or may not be asking yourself, how can one go wrong with a sex toy shaped exactly like Taco Bell’s Cinnamon Twists? The answer is: you can’t. Sure, you can’t eat this dildo, but it will provide an everlasting pleasure that deep-fried, cinnamon-sugar-dusted dough simply cannot.
I mean it. I don’t throw around the word “everlasting.”1 The Crystal Twist is a dildo I will be keeping — and enjoying — forever. Because I have never felt anything like this, in all my years of sex toy fanaticism. That’s very rare.
It doesn’t hurt that the Crystal Twist is downright gorgeous. It has a Swarovski crystal embedded in its base, and the “color” version has added ribbons of color. I read somewhere that you can tell something is a genuine Swarovski crystal2 if you can stare deeply into it. That’s definitely the case with this crystal: the sparkling goes on and on.
The Crystal Twist’s swirly shape means it’s not merely inserted; for optimum comfort, it should be screwed in. Here is where this dildo taught me something new about my genitals. No matter how I position it, there is only one way the Crystal Twist will screw into my vagina: counter-clockwise. Is my vagina secretly a computer terminal? I HOPE SO.
Surprisingly, once inserted and left there, it mostly feels like nothing. It screws in all the way, reaching a moment where I can’t screw any further without it bouncing back. With a shaft length of a little less than 5 1/2 inches, it looks short at first, but it’s actually the perfect length. It does not annoy my cervix in the least, and it hits my G-spot creepily well.
Wat? G-spot? I know. It has no curve whatsoever, and no pronounced head. It is not named the G-Twist (oh yeah, that was already taken). And yet… this dildo offers one of the most unique G-spot sensations I’ve ever felt.
Here’s how it works. I grasp the crystal-adorned base and start doing this back-and-forth twisting motion; I twist a bit, then let it bounce back naturally. One of the ridges — it feels like the very last one on the tip, but I’m not sure — pushes against my G-spot in the most delicious way. Like, it feels like my insides are being manipulated ever so slightly. I know that sounds hardcore. Maybe it is. Maybe other people would feel this sensation and start squirming with discomfort. But I just want more and more twisting. I twist myself silly.
I can’t thrust. The shape just isn’t conducive to that kind of movement. But it doesn’t matter, because all I want to do is twist it against my G-spot all day and all night.
This toy would be a nightmare for partner use. Or, I suppose, it could be a lesson in communication — like those challenges on Tool Academy where you can only win if you talk to your girlfriend like she’s a human being. That simile didn’t work out as well as I’d hoped, but you know what I mean. You’d have to guide your partner every second, and you’d have to trust that they wouldn’t start twisting away joyfully without your consent. Taken too far, it can feel a little like you’re making scrambled eggs with your insides.
But in your own, all-knowing hand, the Crystal Twist is fucking majestic. Like a glorious bunch of fingers pressing upward in just the right spot. If you’re like me, you might find yourself thinking okay, just one more orgasm… I haven’t squirted with it yet, but I might be able to if I can twist fast enough (NEW GOAL!). I don’t need to squirt to enjoy the sensation, though. Not at all.
The Crystal Twist comes with a black bag that folds over on itself and can be tied closed with two ribbons. The amount of padding is just enough to protect the toy without the bag becoming too bulky. The toy does not come with any unnecessary packaging.
This is important to note because glass sex toys have become weird lately; the big companies discovered them and have started making cheap-o versions that are, for instance, painted with shit that flakes off. It’s more important than ever that we support small businesses producing handmade glass toys; the quality is truly unmatched. And Shellie, the founder of Crystal Delights, happens to be a total sweetheart.
But that does not affect my opinion of the Crystal Twist. If it felt like being fucked with an oversized screw, I’d tell you. It doesn’t. It feels like being fucked with a really well-designed glass dildo. A dildo unlike any other.
The Crystal Twist: the perfect gift for the person who has every
thing dildo. It’s sparkly, it’s glamorous, and it’s different. There is no other dildo like this one in the world, likely because nobody had the guts to make it. Crystal Delights did. I worship at their feet.