These are dildos. Due to the graphic nature of this blog I would normally not need to specify that, but this could more easily pass as a basket of artificial fruits and vegetables. The sex toy world has given us glass versions of produce before — chili peppers, eggplants, corn, bananas — but a huge selection of body-safe silicone ones? Not until now! THERE’S A FUCKING ASPARAGUS, YOU GUYS. I found out about this company on a HOT TIP from a reader, who wrote: I’m in Europe right now and I discovered a lovely indie shop in Berlin that carries this brand of dildos: SelfDelve. They’re handmade here in Germany. The silicone is really nice, a bit soft. I got a very realistic (though unripe looking) curved banana. The . . . read more

[Special deal! Get 10% off and free shipping at Downunder Toys with code EPIPHORA.] Contrary to popular belief, I can be sweet-talked. Start by sending me a nice, gracious email. Acknowledge the work I do in the world (“your honest approach to this field makes my heart sing,” “I’m still laughing over your LELO Hula Beads review”). Introduce yourself without condescending to me (hint: if you’re a sex toy company, I probably already know that you exist). Then… the cherry on top… the pièce de résistance… drop a sentence like this: I really think I’d like to challenge your love of VixSkin — I know, a bold claim, but hey, if you don’t set a challenge, where’s the fun in life? So, full disclosure: I . . . read more

These glass dildos from Joyful Pleasure presented me with a few obstacles. See, I have this thing with insertable objects where I feel frustrated if I can’t conquer them. Whether it’s sheer size, extreme heft, repetitive bloops, every imaginable electrostim setting, or simply a bulge just out of reach, I feel the uncontrollable urge to experience all that a toy has to offer. Combine this with the fact that I’m a texture slut, and you have a recipe for vaginal disaster. When presented with the opportunity to review dildos from Joyful Pleasure, I of course ignored anything smooth and went straight for dildos with bumps, swirls, bloops, and, unbeknownst to me, challenging lengths. A large part of my reason for trying these dildos was price: they’re all under $45. If your . . . read more

I believe the texture on this toy is supposed to be swanky, but my friend says it reminds him of a chain-link fence. So that’s a great association… if you’re into prison-inspired sex toys. My thought process basically went “I like texture and I like that color. Give it to me.” In hindsight, I should’ve maybe thought it through more. This is the Jopen Key Ceres Lace. The others in the Ceres line are the Ceres G-Spot and Ceres Rabbit. The entire Key line includes both battery-operated and rechargeable toys, and a few things that don’t vibrate at all (kegel balls, a dildo). Functionally, the Ceres toys aren’t a hell of a lot different than what Evolved and Bswish have been doing for years. The Bgood Deluxe Curve, for . . . read more

I have a lot of glass dildos, but I find it disturbingly easy to eschew most of them. When I moved, I re-arranged my life so that my desk only contains the most pertinent of sex toys. One drawer is reserved for glass toys, and guess what’s inside? Three Crystal Delights dildos. Nothing else. Crystal Delights is best known for their bejeweled and tail-adorned butt plugs, but to me, they are makers of the greatest most high-quality glass dildos known to man. The Star Delight is a staple in my toybox (used often as a reprieve, or finisher, when other toys fail), and the Crystal Twist is a fabulously weird G-spotting dildo that ranks up there with the best of them. Therefore, I . . . read more

No matter what I say in the rest of this review, the fact will always remain: the Fun Factory Stronics make me come like a motherfucker. Like, this is a persistent, undeniable problem. And it’s embarrassing. I’m a sex toy reviewer. I should be able to control my orgasms. But the thrusting motion — coupled with some epic clitoral stimulation — does me in every time. Too quickly. I lose count of my orgasms. I get delirious. The Stronic Eins shook the world wide open last year with its revolutionary (and you know me, I don’t throw that word around) back-and-forth “pulsating” technology. At $190 a pop, I was dubious, but the Shake Weight-like movement jostled my G-spot perfectly and I fell in love. . . . read more

I can’t get this website out of my head when I think about the Fleshlight Vibro. Granted, who hasn’t taken the “Sex Toy or Baby Toy?” quiz (I got 11/15, by the way), and what isn’t amazing about the page on dollar store sex toys? But I should not be thinking of DIY sex toys when looking at a $77, profesh sex toy. Yet I am. Because the Fleshlight Vibro is basically a nice masturbation sleeve cobbled together with shitty, cheap, annoying little bullet vibrators. This enables it to vibrate, yes, but is the effort worth it? My penis-wielding counterpart says no. Not quite. The Fleshlight Vibro comes in two orifice choices — Lady (vulva) and Butt. Both are made of pink Superskin. . . . read more

It is now quite nearly a fact: my boyfriend likes his Fleshlights plain. His first Fleshlight remains his unbeatable favorite because the inner canal is just how he likes it — soft and smooth as a baby’s butt. I should delete that. I really should. But I just can’t bear to do it. Don’t come at me, FBI. Even with its inner texture and my boyfriend’s peculiar penile preferences, though, the Fleshlight Flight has jumped to the #2 spot on his list. Which is still composed entirely of Fleshlights, because he is a ~discerning gentleman~. The Flight, in its case, is 2″ shorter than a regular Fleshlight, 35% lighter at 14.4 ounces, and .75″ smaller in diameter at the front. It is arguably one . . . read more

The Tantus Splash looks like it’s in the midst of being slimed. And if it were a celeb at a Nickelodeon awards show, it’d be grinning and taking it like a champ. Because life is good for the Splash. It is a dildo that stands out aesthetically, but also succeeds internally. It doesn’t have to worry about being deficient in some area, as many sex toys are. (Those are the kinds of toys that might scowl whilst being slimed. Bad sports.) I tested a prototype of this toy, and I loved it the moment I saw it. Then I really loved it when I put it in my vagina. And now I really really love it in its finished form. I suggested the names . . . read more