Aug 012014
 

Put on your sunhats, make your best lemonade, and fill up the pool, because the time has come for the greatest party of the summer. It involves ORGASMS.

Giveaway: the great LELO Mona 2 vibrator summer party!

This is the party I’ve been wanting to throw ever since I fell in love with the LELO Mona 2 vibrator years ago. I am bringing Mona to the masses and giving away ten of them, thanks to the amazing generosity of LELO. Not only is the Mona 2 the best vibrator on earth, but this giveaway is open to everyone on earth. Yes, my dear international readers! You too!

The Mona 2 is a deceptively simple-looking toy, but it succeeds precisely because it gets everything right: it’s rechargeable, it’s strong and rumbly, it’s waterproof, and its shape is awesome both internally and externally. Perfect for Mona parties and orgies, or just getting yourself off in the most streamlined, glorious way imaginable, it’s a toy I wish everyone owned.

The best thing about the Mona is how versatile it is, so I’ve designed a giveaway with entry methods that will appeal to many different tastes. You can go all-out and try to win with every method imaginable, or focus on just a few. Here’s how the winners will break down:

5 random winners

Right off the top, half the winners will be chosen randomly by a computer based on entries in the widget below (the widget also has a landing page if that’s easier). Entry methods include following me on every social media channel in existence, referring your friends to this giveaway, blogging about the giveaway, subscribing to my newsletter, etc.

1 winner for best artistic representation of Mona

Are you the creative type? Concoct a song, poem, drawing, painting, sculpture, or whatever dedicated to Mona (be inspired by Lunabelle’s Mona made from fondant). According to my friend JoEllen, “if someone doesn’t sing a song to the tune of ‘My Sharona,’ I’m gonna be really mad.”1 You must post a photo or link to your art in the comments section of this post.

2 winners for best sob stories

Better at words than art? Me too. Leave a comment on this post about why you need a Mona and my two favorites will each win one. “Sob story” is a bit misleading — you don’t have to make me cry or grovel at my feet, but maybe a reason besides “I like orgasms” would be good.

1 Twitter trivia party winner

Mark your calendars for Wednesday, August 13th at 4 p.m. Pacific and join me for an hour-long Twitter trivia party (#monaparty). I’ll be asking questions about the Mona and LELO, and those who answer correctly will be entered to win one at the end of the party. (Hint: trivia questions will be culled from LELO’s site, my Mona review, and my back-up Mona post, so study up!)

1 winner for best tweet

If you’ve mastered the art of 140-character cleverness, this is your rodeo. Of course, you can use the giveaway widget and send out the usual stock tweet, but if you get more creative you could win this. You must use the hashtag #monaparty and include a link to the giveaway (http://bit.ly/monaparty).

———

I’m using a different giveaway widget this time (shout-out to Adriana for making me aware of it!), with a couple new options. Let me know if you have any trouble.

Deadline: Monday, August 25th at 11:59 p.m. PST


Giveaway: the great Mona summer party!

  1. This does not mean that if you do this you will automatically win. If, however, you have picked up on my favorite band and use one of their songs to praise the Mona, you have a very good chance. []
  • Ahh, I knew it! Now I’m conflicted. I wanted to buy a Mona because they’re currently on sale at She-Vibe, but now… ahhh…

  • Elle Marie

    Here’s my sob story:

    My health insurance won’t pay out for the infertility treatments I desperately need until I complete four more cycles of completely pointless timed intercourse. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to feel anything approaching sexy or intimate with your partner when every time you copulate, it has to be religiously recorded in the world’s ugliest internet-based app (Fertility Friend, it’s seriously gross looking but the only one that works well enough for serious charting and sharing reports with doctors). So in the meantime, my spouse and I are desperately trying to keep some shred of romance/attraction/fun alive when everything is just… Failing. I actually thought about purchasing the Mona 2 for myself and then realized the cost would be equivalent for a month of full-price letrozole (ovulation drugs), so that quickly became something I couldn’t justify. I always thought that conceiving a child would be this fun and easy task (oh, darn, we HAVE to have sex all the time?) but in reality…. Especially once a diagnosed fertility issue cropped up, meaning that no amount of humping alone will ever get me pregnant? It’s depressing as shit. You try feeling turned on when you have to pee on overpriced urine dip strips three times a day and have sex according to the world’s ugliest calendar, for week after week when all of the peer-reviewed scientific research has already concluded that there’s a snowball’s chance in hell of any of it actually resulting in the spawn you so desperately desire.

  • KD

    Figured I might as well give the sob story a chance! I have two vibrators that I’ve acquired over the past five years — initially I was iffy on vibrators, I felt like they were too intense/buzzy for me, but I grew to love them. One of them is no longer in production, which is a shame because it was pretty fantastic; curved to fit your body and absolutely fantastic. Except for the fact that the vibrations have gotten weaker… and weaker… and now when I turn it on it barely hums at all. So that poor little sucker is ending up in the trash. Alas, earwax.

    My other vibrator was the very first sex toy I ever purchased. It cost $8 and actually had some pretty damn strong vibrations, I was impressed! It still functions… well, only if you hold the bottom in place. And let me tell you, it gets tiresome trying to hold the bottom in place while angling that sucker just right. Or it’s a balancing act, pressing the bottom into the bed and hovering over it, and then I end up laughing too hard to get off, and /that’s/ a waste. Or you try to macgyver the hell out of that thing by rigging it back together using duct tape, only to find out that you can’t twist the knob to turn it off when all’s said and done.

    I’m a grad student who is unfortunately too poor to afford a nice new vibrator at the moment (had to dip into my savings fund to pay rent this month, yikes), so this giveaway is right up my alley, let me tell you. Attempting to relieve stress is a lot harder when you don’t have a functioning vibe!

  • I’m already crying.

  • OrchidNecromancer

    I was going to try for the sob story, but I gave up as soon as I read yours. Everyone else go home.

  • Randy

    I’m currently on disability right now, for some mental health issues. I’d rather not go into details. Anyway, I’ve been trying to save up for a Mona 2, but things keep coming up, like vet bills and prescriptions. Anyway, that’s my sob story. Also, I totally do follow you on twitter but couldn’t figure out how that module worked. Oh well, what’s one entry?

  • Elle Marie

    Today was a rough day. I found out that essentially, I only have a 25-50% chance of ever carrying a viable pregnancy. Even WITH all the medicated science available, which my insurance is currently refusing to cover.

  • Lia Heavvymetalqueen

    I don’t know how much of a sob story I can whip up but here goes: to put it bluntly, I’m broke. I’ve been broke all my life and dropping everything to move to Finland made things only marginally better. I work 10 hours a week (if I’m lucky) cleaning a shitty bar and can’t find a new job. And yes, I do love orgasms, dammit! Especially now that I’m recovering from depression and I get earthshaking multiple orgasms! Too bad my trusty Fun Factory vibe died a while ago. I bust its motor, just like that. So now I’m stuck using a bullet I have gouged out of an old gross jelly vibrator. With a packing knife. And it does get me off but I still have a giant Lovehoney wishlist full of stuff I’ll never be able to afford, and after reading your ravings about it, the Mona is on there, too.

    And also – I have learned so much from here, got a better idea of what I’d like to jack off with, and I’m dying to try out my theories. It’s just that, as with everything else in my life, I’m stuck with the sad reality that Stuff Costs Money I Don’t Have.

    I’m sure many people have much sadder stories and I’m sure they’ll deserve it more than me….but it’s still worth a try.

  • Maddy Archey

    My sob story is that I’m a broke college student who is leaving my boyfriend and barely makes enough money to buy ramen, let alone a vibe good enough to actually give me an orgasm.

  • Kali T

    A sob story? I can try, but I’m sure there’s someone else who has it worse than I do.

    I’m a single transgirl who’s recently come out and I’ve had trouble for years with my sexual life, nothing ever satisfies me no matter how hard I try and it’s so damn frustrating. I’m also poor, going along by the skin of my teeth month to month with barely enough money for bills let alone food and household needs. I can’t find work because a combination of my depression/severe anxiety and the fact I don’t have a GED. I’m extremely thankful that I’m not homeless, but it’s so difficult to get by each month with at least one bill not fully paid and ended up getting a shut off notice and having to plead with the city or whatever company to let me get by until next month.

    There’s no way I can afford sex toys due to the high price of some of them especally something that would work well for a transgirl. I don’t want to waste money on something that won’t work well for body and I would never get something cheap that would probably be horrible for my body (I’ve learned so much about toxic toys thanks to your website, thank you for that.) I’d love to be able to win a Mona and hopefully get rid of all my pent up sexual frustration.

  • disqus_wCJ9Q4CgZh

    Here’s my ‘sob story’ for you 🙂
    I am in my mid-twenties and I have never had the time to buy a sex toy or the money. I didn’t want to go alone to the sex shop. I couldn’t decide which one is the best to go to. Online stores intimidate me since there is so much to choose from and without truly seeing the toy for real, somehow I cannot buy one. Pretty much lost in a sea of dildos is what I am.

    As a student on a tight budget money is not overflowing, and good sex toys reasonable expensive, I want my first to be a good start. Winning your giveaway would give me the opportunity to try out a toy that someone ardently recommends. That’d be pretty neat. And it would also help me achieve new sexual experiences, and who can say no to that? 🙂

  • Maddie Furse

    My sob story:
    I recently moved out of an emotionally abusive family situation. I finally have the ablity to own and use sex toys without family members finding them or walking in on me. (They refused to respect my privacy.) But my budget is tight because I’m disabled and on disability. I’m currently working on buying necessities like flatware and basic furniture. I’d really like to be about to have a nice sex toy to use as I rebuild my life.

  • Might as well go in for the sob story: This year has been a rough one on my health. Back in February, I became violently ill with what I thought, at the time, was some kind of stomach flu. Only the flu didn’t go away. Instead, my heart rate soared through the roof and felt hyper anxious (I was positive I was dying), culminating in the first panic attack of my life. After a trip to the emergency room and several doctors appointments where I was misdiagnosed (Stomach ulcer? Anxiety disorder?) and bounced from one doc to the next for a couple months, it turns out that my thyroid is inflamed (either because it is overactive or because… the docs don’t know yet).

    I don’t know what’s making my thyroid act like a huge, angry butterfly, but it’s pretty miserable as not only does it make me restless and sick to my stomach most days, but it also gives me a lot of the same symptoms of an anxiety disorder: panic attacks, nervousness, accelerated heart rate, and, worst of all, occasional bouts of complete dissociation from my body (not recognizing myself in the mirror, unreality, etc.).

    Anyway, to the point, I haven’t really told anybody this, because I don’t really have anywhere else I would be comfortable voicing it aloud, but masturbating has been one of the few things that has helped. It has definitely helped with the sense of bodily detachment and, in a weird way, reassures me that there’s nothing wrong with my heart (the core of my hypochondria) because, hey, if I can have an orgasm like that and not die, then I’m okay (not necessarily true, but it makes me feel better). Plus, it’s just a normal thing I did before getting sick, so that’s always good.

    All these medical bills (and there will be many more as my next stop is an endocrinologist) are coming at a terrible time as I was just admitted to graduate school (I start in two weeks, eep!) and have a very tight budget, so any expendable cash I had for sex toys (mostly dependent upon She Vibe review gift cards and waiting patiently for sales) is drying up completely.

    I’ve desperately wanted Mona since I started reading your blog, because your effusive praise has certainly never let me down before (I could write a whole post about how your blog and its sex positivity and information has helped me comes to terms with aspects of my sexuality, plus vastly improved my toy collection, but I’ve already rambled enough).

  • Also, why do I suspect Piph is going to have a hard time with the sob story category? ALL THE SADNESS. SO MUCH.

  • StarieNite

    My husband has some mental illness that is being treated, but it is hard. It is hard to be aroused and up for sex when I worry about him or am mad at him for something he can’t help. I also am LDS so was raised with some pretty messed up ideas about sex. Following for blog really helps and we have tried somethings, but the good girl syndrome is still there.

  • Ross

    Gather ye round, and listen to my abridged sob story. (Yes—shockingly, this is the short version. I could have included the Saga of Trying a Moon Cup, but I decided no decent person deserves to hear about that.) It’s… not actually that sad, all things considered, but give it a shot anyway.

    I got my period for the first time at twelve or thirteen—I don’t remember the year, but I vividly remember it was Cinco de Mayo. And, like all Cinco de Mayos, this one was a slight disaster. The chain of events was something like: my stomach hurts, I go to the bathroom, there’s blood, oh, I know what this is, I root through the bathroom cabinets and discover a lone box of tampons left unattended by my already post-menopausal mother, I try putting one in, I experience a pain not unlike the time I had a tooth removed and the drugs wore off too soon. Only my dad is home at the time. I don’t say anything to him about what just transpired, though I do walk like a penguin for the rest of the evening. That night, when my mother gets home, I tell her what happened. She looks at me with a quirked eyebrow when I say that the tampon hurts quite a bit, but gamely buys me pads. I don’t touch tampons again for a long time.

    ——

    I must have tried fingering myself intermittently during middle school and early high school, but I don’t remember the act itself. I do know that by the time I was seventeen I had a strong suspicion that vaginal penetration didn’t work for me like it did for others. I was talking with a girl in class about her sex life with her boyfriend, and she said, offhand, that she never orgasmed during penetrative sex with him. (I’m sure she phrased it in a more teenager-ly way, but hell if I remember the exact wording.) I asked her why she kept letting him fuck her, then—I do remember that this was my exact phrasing—and she replied, “Well, it still feels good.”

    I was flabbergasted. What the hell? No, it doesn’t. It doesn’t feel good at all. I knew from good; I started masturbating at an early age and considered myself an old pro at it. For me, vaginal penetration was nothing in the realm of “good.” During my senior year of high school, a boy I thought was very cute casually propositioned me, and I turned him down without thinking. The fantasy of casual sex was great, but I the sensation I felt when being vaginally penetrated—what I imagined scrunchies felt like when you tried to twist them one loop tighter and they snapped—couldn’t fit into that fantasy.

    I stayed in that mindset for a couple of years. I stuck to making out at parties and being called a “tease” out of fear that it would hurt even more when it was someone else touching my vagina.

    What spurred me into trying to investigate further was a conversation I had with two girls I lived with during college—one, whose first time having sex hurt, but who has thoroughly enjoyed it ever since, and another, whose first time didn’t hurt at all but who has never cared for sex. I didn’t see myself in either of them; I liked orgasms a lot, but trying to have one with someone else was painful. Cursory Google searches were depressing and didn’t apply to me—they were all about “how to live a happy life with anorgasmia” or “myth vs. fact: the hymen.” (The latter articles helpfully insisted that sex wouldn’t hurt unless you were doing something wrong. Wow, so enlightening. Thanks.)

    So, I made an appointment with a nurse practitioner at my university’s health center. The gynecologist was off limits—the school only employed one for a student body of 35,000, so I had to go through the nurse practitioner to be referred. Making that appointment, over the phone, went something like this:

    [me] “Hi, I need to make an appointment with an NP for a well woman visit?”

    [the receptionist] “Okay. And can you tell me specifically what this is addressing?”

    [me] “Well, um, I’m just having some issues with sexual mechanics, and I’d like to just get a PAP smear and check that everything’s okay, but I need to see an NP before I can go to the health center gynecologist, so.”

    [the receptionist—who, I should note at this juncture, was quite clearly a man] “Sorry, what’s the problem?”

    [me] “I’m having some issues with. Sexual. Mechanics.”

    [the receptionist] “Can you be more specific?”

    [me] “It’s—do we really need to get into that?”

    [the receptionist] “Oh, don’t worry, this is all confidential.”

    [me, giving up] “Okay. My vagina is too tight, or something. I can’t put anything in it. Or I can, but it’s excruciatingly painful.”

    (A/N: I’m absolutely sure I used the phrase “excruciatingly painful,” because this is the most universal descriptor I have found for “feels like the way an overripe tomato that has split open on the side looks.” “Excruciatingly painful” is my default.)

    [the receptionist] “Oh.”

    [me] …

    [the receptionist] “Okay, I’ll just write in ‘sex performance problems.’”

    [me] “Thanks.”

    ——

    So, a week later, I had a nurse practitioner examining my junk with a careful eye.

    “Well, everything looks totally fine, of course,” she said. She had a good, no-nonsense bedside manner, kind of like Kathy Bates’ character on “The Office.” “I’m just going to try one finger, very slowly, and you’ll tell me how much pain you’re experiencing, all right?”

    “Do your thing,” I said, feeling candid.

    She got one latex glove-covered finger on my left labia and moved it right, toward my vagina. I breathed, steady. Pressure immediately gave way to pain.

    “Just some,” I said. “Manageable.”

    She started to say “Okay” as she kept going, but I cut her off at “Oh.”

    “Stop,” I said. “Stop, nope. No more.”

    She was visibly surprised, but maintained a professional demeanor. “Okay, well, you’re free to sit up, now. I’m going to go ahead and make you an appointment with the on-staff gynecologist. That’s definitely hurting you more than it should be.”

    I thanked her.

    “You want me to just leave “sex performance problems” on your file as the reason for your visit?” she asked helpfully.

    “Why not,” I agreed.

    ——

    A month later I had an appointment with the school gynecologist—let’s call her Dr. Chang. The few other people I knew who had managed to get appointments with her swore she was excellent, so I had high hopes. She greeted me professionally, shook my hand, and read my file over intently.

    “All right, so, what’s the common link between these different instances of pain? Or is there one?”

    “None,” I said. Finally, a sensible question. “It always just hurts.”

    “During sex with a partner as well as sex on your own?”

    “Yeah,” I said, because I hadn’t—still haven’t—figured out a casual way to drop the twenty-year-old virgin bomb on medical professionals who assume you’re experienced in bed. Going off of my one experience with genital touching—the nurse practitioner a month ago—it was worse with a partner. I said so.

    She asked me a few more uninspired questions and did a “visual examination,” at which point she declared that a PAP smear wasn’t necessary to diagnose the problem. “You have what’s known as vulvodynia,” she said. She proceeded to explain what it was—a chronic pain response at the opening of the vagina. I’d known that much from webMD and the Mayo Clinic website. I waited for more. It didn’t come.

    “That’s it?” I asked.

    She gave me links to some information, told me to make an appointment with a “health and sex educator” on staff, and set me up with a prescription for lidocane cream.

    “So there’s no…” I trailed off, expecting her to be able to fill in ‘cause or proactive treatment.’

    “Karen—“ the sex educator— “can help you by developing breathing exercises and talking to you more in-depth about the problems this causes for you and how to remedy them,” she said, brightly sympathetic.

    “Okay,” I said, trying to be game, and wandered out of her office, lidocane prescription clutched in my fist.

    ——

    Lidocane is a numbing agent. I have, to this day, no idea what I’m supposed to do with it, other than what the pharmaceutical instructions told me to. I’m supposed to apply it to the opening of my vagina, wait twenty minutes, and then try to penetrate myself or be penetrated by a partner.

    Do you know what the guaranteed way to have unsatisfying sex is? Numbing cream. Plus, the two times I tried it, it didn’t impede the pain response at all. I was just in pain with a completely desensitized clit.

    ——

    The “health and sex educator,” Karen, was very sympathetic to me as well.

    “So,” she said, at the start of our forty-five allotted minutes. “This condition is most common in people who have been sexually abused. Were you sexually abused?”

    She looked into my eyes. Mortifyingly, I started to feel the very beginning of teariness welling up within myself. “No,” I said.

    She asked the same question a couple of different ways, to which I responded, honest and slightly pissed, “No.”

    “Is there any kind of sexual trauma in your background?”

    “I started masturbating really young,” I said. “That’s the only interesting thing about me, sexually, other than the fact that my vagina doesn’t work.”

    She latched onto that. “Did anyone ever catch you masturbating?”

    “… no,” I said. To my knowledge, at least, no one ever did, and frankly, I didn’t see how the fuck that was relevant. (That’s a lie. I could see how that could be traumatic for someone, but it didn’t apply to me, and this woman was meant to be helpful, dammit.) “I don’t have any good, dramatic stories to explain it. My vagina is just broken.”

    “Well, we’re going to have to stay away from phrasing like that,” she said. “It’s not going to do anything but mire you down in negative thinking.” I understand what she meant by that, but my poor stabs at humor (“It’s like an out of operation Coke machine! Not even paper will go inside there!”) were really the only way I had to talk about what my body was doing.

    The rest of the meeting was just as dubious. She seemed convinced it was totally psychological, and gave me mantras and deep breathing exercises and insisted on the importance of lube.

    Lube, yeah. Because I hadn’t tried the first solution everyone offers for painful penetrative sex.

    ——

    I try to make the most of it. With the deep breathing exercises, I can get one finger inside of myself without wanting to cry. I graduated to two, eventually, after a lot of determination and frustration. On a good day, if I really set out hours for myself, I can work three fingers in up to the third knuckle, or four in up to the second. But that’s only on a good day, and it still hurts like a motherfucker. To say nothing of thrusting, which is just a patently terrible sensation for me, at any girth. I don’t have sex with partners, because I’m working on feeling comfortable touching myself before I try doing that with another person. And I haven’t (thankfully) uncovered any repressed memory of sexual abuse. It’s just something my body does.

    Sigh.

    On a happy note, I can now handle slim tampons with almost no problems. This may seem like a small achievement, but trust me, it’s been a wild ride, and any ground gained is good ground. I’ve also learned that sex toys are sometimes less painful than my own hands. I think this is because, well—lube-covered ABS plastic is pretty frictionless, and good-quality silicone toys come in varieties that are squishier than fingers are. So where lots of people spend their early twenties juggling multiple sexual partners, I’ve so far spent them exploring the world of sex toys as well as a broke-as-hell college student can.

    I like the LELO Mia 2 quite a bit—that’s the fanciest toy I own, achieved through the careful application of both a gift card and a Groupon. On my “good vagina days,” I can turn it on high and put it inside myself for that “full” sensation minus the sensation of my vaginal opening being torn asunder.

    Recently, I’ve been experimenting with toys that I can thrust with minimal discomfort, like the Tantus Silk Small. It’s going… okay. Something I’d really like to try is an hourglass-shaped toy that flares up at the top and bottom but is considerably more narrow where the opening of the vagina sits. Something like the Leaf Vitality, say, or… oh, I don’t know. The LELO Mona 2?

    The kind of g-spot stimulation that results from “fullness” coupled with a relatively unobstructed vaginal opening would be a good way for me to build positive physical associations around having the opening of my vagina stimulated. I enjoy internal vibration when it is easily controlled, as it is with LELO products.

    What I’m trying to say here is that I’d definitely benefit from owning the Mona 2, so, y’know. Please consider sending one my way.

  • KateKateKate

    We all have some very different sob stories!
    Mine is this: one of my best friends (who needed some crash space for a night) didn’t watch the door while coming & going and my sweet sweet 14 year old kitty got outside. He’s been gone for 3 weeks now and I’ve spent over $400 trying to bring him home–printing fliers, paying pet rescue people for their help, bringing a search dog out to the house–but there hasn’t been a trace of him. I miss him so very much, as do my other two kitties. They keep wandering around the house looking for him.
    And that friend of mine? Hasn’t lifted a finger to help get my cat back. 🙁

  • Maggie

    I don’t know that you’ll sob, exactly — but I’ve gotten the Comet and the nJoy, and while they’re fun I still haven’t quite gotten that G-spot thing down. I’d really like to!

    Eh you might not sob but now I’m feeling crummy.

  • shadowkate

    Okay might as well try sob story:

    I’m a single mother. Divorced after almost two years (pregnancy + the first year of kids life) of little sex. He turns around and moves a state away. Bitches to me constantly about money. CONSTANTLY. I go back to school only to find out that the field I trained in, while a good field, is currently changing and fluctuating and no one is retiring and the hospitals aren’t hiring people just out of school because of the AMA changes. And more over they all want one year of real experience.

    I moved back home to do this, awya from most of my friends. I lived with my parents where I had to find their porn and toys floating around but never had enough privacy to really get to have any of my own. NOW I live in a shitty one bedroom apartment with a five year old boy and get NO privacy. I have to masterbate while he is at school. My budget is also stretched very very thin. I spent some tax return money to get two good vibes (The Picobongo G Spot and the Wee Touch). But I want to try something new and I can’t justify a new vibe when kid is starting kindergarten and needs supplies and clothes and the job I do have under pays by $5.00 but was the only one who would consider hiring people out of school. I also only work a handful of shifts because they call me to tell me that I’m canceled and shouldn’t come to work. Which also means when I do work I’m running around doing the work of two people because my boss and work place are cheap. It isn’t safe for me. It isn’t safe for my patients and I can’t afford to leave it because I can’t find another job.

  • MiniBecca

    Okay! Sob Story!

    So I’m a sex worker. Kink specifically. So while my job consists mostly of hitting, toy shows make up a huge part of what I do. At my job the only vibes we have available are hitachis. Which can be a little …strong. Especially because I have a vertical hood piercing which means if the hitachi even thinks about approaching my clit I’m in a not so sexy kind of pain. Add to that, it’s pretty hard to finger myself while using the hitachi and also the strength of the vibrations makes it hard to predict whether or not I have multiple orgasms. An ability that I use as a selling point. All things together what I really need is a smaller, insertable vibe with many settings. So I can get more business and not hurt my junk with every toyshow.

    Moving on! I’m broke. Fetish work is paying for food and rent and cats but not much else. So a nice vibe is pretty unattainable for me. I had thought my time had come when my parents gave me some birthday money. But my cats’ birthday gift to me was to pee on my mattress. A lot. A lot a lot. To the point that I need a new mattress.

    So no birthday money. No mattress. No vibrator.

    Help?

  • Raine Dawson

    I didn’t want to do the sob story because I hate to ‘poor me’ but here is the shortest version I can give. I was with my boyfriend for 11 years when suddenly one day he said he didn’t feel good and collapsed on my lap and died right there of a heart attack clutching me in pain, I was helpless as I watched him die. As you can imagine after that I was seriously fucked in the head- depression, panic attacks, night terrors… A few years later I met an someone I used to be best friends with and decided to give a relationship a try. He started smoking crack with his brother became extremely paranoid and increasing angry and one night he came home and beat the shit out of me, bad. I decided I’m done! It’s now been 4 years and I won’t date and have no interest in any future relationship. This also means 4 years celibate and lots more ahead. I’m content, I love masturbating but I’m also broke because I can’t work much between chronic pain and my mental issues. I have some ok toys but nothing like the Mona. I’ve never had a mind blowing orgasm and I know the Mona will change my non sex- sex life. You can only use your hand or basic toys so much before the fun dies down. So please give my hand a break and let me know what a kick ass orgasm feels like.

  • Mona > cat pee

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  • HOLY SHIT YOU ARE KILLING ME HERE

    I am so, so, so sorry.

  • Emma

    Hey, so I’m just curious and this is a serious question- how did that email go? Did you literally just email them casually and say oh by the way could you send me 10 Monas for a giveaway? Nbd

  • a bullet I have gouged out of an old gross jelly vibrator. With a packing knife.

    Slow clap for your ingenuity.

  • Actually, I pitched the entire idea for the giveaway, including the random winners, art winner, trivia winner, etc, down to the hashtag.

  • Crissy K

    I’d feel like an ass for trying to compete with these stories, so I’ll settle for being clever (debatable) on twitter. Good luck to all of you though!

  • Crissy K

    Amused I’m not the only one to rip a bullet from a shitty jelly toy! Mine was one of those worthless butterfly harness things.

  • trix23

    I thought of making an ice-cream Mona pop, with homemade raspberry sorbet as the shaft and a vanilla base. But let’s face it: it would melt, or more likely get eaten.

    So…you all like the Kinks, right? Sing along with “Lola”:

    My weak vibe died on me the other day
    I’ve been walkin’ around with an unrelieved lady bona’
    (B-O-N-A, bo-ho-na)
    I asked Epiphora for her thoughtful advice
    About the best toy to make me feel nice
    She said “Mona”
    M-O-N-A, Mona, mo-mo-mo-mo Mona…..

    Well I’m not one to succumb to peer pressure
    But one glance at the Mona promised untold pleasure
    Oh my Mona, mo-mo-mo-mo Mona
    I got eye strain on several nights
    Researchin’ toy sales on adult sites
    For a Mona, mo-mo-mo-mo Mona, mo-mo-mo-mo Mona…

    Well I walked into my local sex store
    And I’d never ever held a Mona before
    I picked it up and then I turned it on
    It purred in my hand and I was totally gone
    Now I can’t afford the one-thirty-nine
    But I vowed that the Mona would someday be mine
    Yes, the Mona, mo-mo-mo-mo Mona, Mo-mo-mo-mo Mona
    Mona, mo-mo-mo-mo Mona, mo-mo-mo-mo Mona…

    I put it away
    I walked out the door
    I fell to the floor
    I got down on my knees
    The whole block heard my desperate pleas:

    “My arts degree means I don’t have the dough
    But I know that I’m meant to have multiple Os
    With the Mona, mo-mo-mo-mo Mona.
    Lost out today, but I’ll try again.
    Perhaps there’s a website contest I could win
    For a Mona, mo-mo-mo-mo Mona?”

    Well we went home, me and my forlorn clit
    I thought that my plight would forever be shit
    Then I saw ‘Piph’s blog post and grinned like a dope
    For the first time in days I felt a glimmer of hope

    Now I’m not the world’s most talented scribe
    But there are a lot of things I’ll do for a vibe
    Like the Mona, mo-mo-mo-mo Mona, mo-mo-mo-mo Mona,
    Mona! Mo-mo-mo-mo Mona, mo-mo-mo-mo Mona…

    {repeat to fade}

    Oh, I’m Trix on the widget–hope that doesn’t screw things up…

  • Now I’m not the world’s most talented scribe
    But there are a lot of things I’ll do for a vibe
    Like the Mona

    I died.

  • Ian Pinsker

    I hate to get anyone down, but I am gonna go ahead and enter under “Sob Story” – My fiancee and I will have been together for 2 and a half years at the end of August. I found out shortly after we started dating that I have an anxiety condition and low testosterone. I have been on injectibles on and off (as insurance has allowed, as a 6 month cycle could cost between $200 and $500 depending on what was covered of the blood tests, medication, needles, and paying for someone else to inject me if needles weren’t an option – that may not seem like much but I’m a contract IT guy which often means long periods of unemployment). This past year I have been (thankfully) prescribed the Testopel implant, which allows me to regulate more thoroughly, rather than putting me on a 2 week hormonal roller-coaster cycle of mood swings, depression, frenetic libido and… let’s just say performance issues. The side effect of constant testosterone use is, unfortunately, total sterility as my testes have all but shut down because there is no real biological demand on them. And to top it all off, I have a spinal injury which also causes similar performance issues and makes most sexual positions difficult whenever I’m having a “bad” day.

    I love my fiancee. She had only been with two other people before me sexually, and I have endeavored to expand her horizons sexually from the phlathate-ridden toy her ex got her, and have followed many of the suggestions of this blog (and of you personally, Epi, from PMs on Tumblr – thank you!!!). I worry that with the treatments and my injury I may one day have a more permanent block against holding an erection and want to be able to please my fiancee as proficiently as possible, and to make the most of what time we do get together.

    To that end please, pretty please Epi, help me rock my love’s world with your favorite of favorite of toys.

    Thank you. <3

  • Ian Pinsker

    +1. Low T and anxiety disorder here. After reading your post, it makes me want to see an endocrinologist as I was given steroid shots to counter pain from a spinal injury, and subsequently have had heart palpitations and I’ve had more panic attacks in the last 3 weeks (tail end between testosterone treatments) than in my entire life leading up to them. Thank you.

  • Amanda

    I have had a Mona 2 on my proverbial wish list ever since I read your review of it. However, I am a broke college student, and could never justify the expense to myself. This summer, I was going to do it, though. I was going to buy the toy you deemed so wonderful that you had backups of it.
    Then my dog got sick. She’s not just a dog. She’s a guide dog. Her health and well-being come before my orgasms. $1800 and an operation later, she’s healing nicely and will soon be back to work full time. Unfortunately, the purchase of a Mona is definitely not in the cards now. So if I could win one of yours, that’d be awesome.
    (Here is where I could post a great picture of my dog’s lovely belly complete with incision. But I’ll spare you, mostly because I don’t have anyone around who could take the picture. I will post one of her in her “cone of shame” collar, though.)

  • Mist

    Well, I’m not comfortable sharing all the details, but here’s my sob story: I experienced a lot of sexual abuse as a child and it made it really hard to open up and be comfortable with my sexuality. For the longest time growing up, I thought I’d never want sex and that I didn’t deserve to feel good – that that’s not what sex was. I figured, whoever I’m with, I’ll just let them do whatever they want and then it’ll be over soon enough. God, I was in such an unhealthy place back then… Then came sex toys.

    I wasn’t comfortable exploring myself with other people just yet, so sex toys literally saved my life – not physically, but in just about every other way (not to mention the amazing social life and friends I’ve made thanks to the communities I’ve joined based around toys). I was a terribly depressed young adult just trying to figure things out; my interests, my self, my body; what my likes and dislikes were, and that, holy crap, I /did/ want sex. I wanted to enjoy it. I wanted to be in a healthy relationship and connect with another person in a way I thought wasn’t possible in real life. I wanted to feel happy and not like I was just a body to be used for another person’s pleasure.

    Sex toys (among other things, of course) brought me out of a really dark place, and I honestly don’t want to know where I’d be in life if I hadn’t bought that first one. And this sexual journey I’ve been on hasn’t taught me just about pleasure and what feels good. I’ve learned so much about sex itself (anatomically, etc), different toys (materials, etc.), what’s healthy and safe, what’s not, and I really think it’s abominable that sex-ed is so frowned upon and people are shamed away from learning about their own bodies, especially those who have suffered a trauma – it’s already hard enough.

    I’m still learning to love my body and the pleasure I can achieve with it. I’ve discovered that my body is not a toy, but I love to put toys in my body, and I believe Mona would be a great step in the right direction. And with how much Mona is fawned over, I would love to find out why myself.

  • I’m truly glad you found something useful in my sob story! It took me about three doctors before one recommended I go see an endocrinologist when I have the funds because it could be a couple things making me sick: 1) thyroid problem [I’ve already had an ultrasound, so nodes, just inflammation], 2) diet problem like leaky gut or gluten sensitivity [I’ve had a lot of stomach problems], 3) hormone problem [the agitation gets way worse on my period], or 4) an auto-immune problem [I don’t think it’s this one because, other than this, I heal/recover from things like a champ]. An endocrinologist would be able to help me pinpoint the problem.

    Prior to that, I was misdiagnosed with GAD (by a doctor who was really shitty and condescending about it, to be honest and who incidentally should have noticed that my neck was hugely swollen when I was at my worst, but didn’t), which I was then told by other doctors is very common for people with thyroid and other hormone problems (though, of course, comorbidity is not uncommon either).

    I’m not a doc, but if you have low T and anxiety, an endocrinologist may not be a bad idea. If nothing else, you might be able to talk to them about your sexual concerns with your current treatment plan.

  • I find it intensely sweet that you are so concerned with your fiancee’s sexual needs, even ahead of, it seems, your own (also, whoo, to expanding sexual horizons!).

    Good luck with your treatment!

  • What a sweet baby!

  • catscowcow

    Here is a sob story kinda? I, not long ago, broke up with my abusive boyfriend. though not really physical he was mentally and emotionally abusive and would make me feel like everything he did to me was my fault and that I deserved to not be happy. I was with him for 6 years before I snapped out of it and got away from him. thats 6 years of terrible depression and self hatred and worst of all not a single goddamn orgasm. I decided, since breaking up with him, that I would not go another day without an orgasm. Been doing pretty well on my own so far, but a LELO mona would sure be a help. 😉

  • Also, boo to steroid shots, they’re terrible. I just had one a couple weeks ago when I went to the ER (I had a severe allergic reaction to the anesthetic my dentists was using… this has been a hell of a year) and still feel so blaaah from it.

  • Heh, the giveaway’s been open for less than 24 hours and already more than 2300 entries. Oh geez.

  • I applaud your orgasm-a-day mission. Absolutely admirable.

  • Deborah Zarett

    Ok, I’m likely to be outdone here but:
    I had a panic attack in January and totaled my car on a completely dry road.
    Thanks to having no car, I’m bus-dependent and I live in a decentralized city with horrid bus service.
    Thanks to the horrid bus service, I’m unable to find a decent job.
    Thanks to the job situation, I’m broke.
    My old vibrators either broke or don’t do the job anymore thanks to anti-depressant side effects. This makes me more depressed.
    The lack of endorphins circulating in my brain compounds the depression.
    My cats can only go so far in alleviating all this. They tell me I’m bringing them down.

  • HighVoltageQueen

    Sob story? Not really sob-y… but…
    I too am buying my first house. Actually, I found a condo. I was widowed last year (though fortunately not before my husband bought me the Ina 2… a relic from our marriage that I still enjoy!) and didn’t really feel like taking care of a house/yard all by myself. Since I’ll be living alone, my widowed Ina 2 and I will need some sexy company in our schwanky condo. Your blog has been an inspiration in so many ways, and I have been wanting to tell you so. I figured this was as good a time as any to finally speak up and say so. Reading your reviews, ramblings, and snark has been wonderful the last year, and even if I don’t win a Mona, I definitely wanted to let you know that. 🙂

  • That’s very sweet, thank you!

  • Guest

    This is my best artistic interpretation! (I’m terrible at art) I tried to show the fabulousness in art form!

  • Andria Dearden

    This is my artistic interpretation of the fabulousness of the Mona! (Don’t judge me, I’m terrible at art)

  • It’s BEAUTIFUL!

    …and better than I could do.

  • jaime

    The world’s shortest sob story — I am about to turn 33 years old and I have never owned a sex toy.

    (a few more details: I don’t make much money, I have no method of transportation, and I grew up with incredibly nosy parents. what is privacy??)

  • Myra

    To start, I’d just like to say, I’ve never really had a vibrator. I have a little bullet, but that’s it. Clitoral orgasms are always the best for me, leaving me breathless and shaking ALWAYS, something I have enjoyed since I first discovered masturbation. The second reason I’d love this, is for the fact that I’ve yet to use a vibrator on my male fiance, whom shares many of the same kinks I do. This is less a sob story and more of why I would love to have it.
    If I’m going to go the sob story route, I will say flat out, orgasms are one of a few things that release enough endorphins to help dull my physical pains, as well as help me pull out of my depressive states. This is one of the reasons my fiance’s first response to my pain or depression is sex. Which doesn’t always work in his favor, but when we do go at it, it definitely helps. I’m proof that orgasms dull physical pain and emotional pain.
    Unfortunately for me, I have hit the point again where sex is not necessarily an option. With endometriosis, pelvic floor tension, and ovarian cysts, sex has because very painful at times. Clitoral orgasms are the only way I can reach a climax right now, and I am literally using one of those little hand held, three prong back massagers. A legit back massager. It feels so pathetic, but the doctors can do nothing for me at this time, which brings about depressive bouts.
    Anyway, I’m getting off topic, and depressing myself just by talking about this. These are my reasons. Whether its good enough for a “sob” story or not, it is nice to be able to share these kinds of things with someone. (Thank you for reading <3 )

  • I think “sob story” is a bit misleading — it doesn’t need to be necessarily sad, just convincing. I appreciate you opening up!

  • Kim Vande Walle

    If I’m already subscribed to your RSS and mail service and such, it means i can’t get entries for those?

  • MiniBecca

    Pretty much anything > cat pee.

    Mona > > > cat pee

    Multiple orgasms > > oh > ohhh > OH > > oh god > oh my god > OH > OHHHH GOOOD> OH MY FUCKING GOD YES > cat pee

  • You get entries for everything no matter when you subscribed!

  • Lia Heavvymetalqueen

    Oh nooooo I hope your kitty comes home!! 🙁

  • Lia Heavvymetalqueen

    I definitely have to thank you for showing me the light on how gross and dangerous jelly toys are! 🙂

  • Lia Heavvymetalqueen

    Aww yiss I’m not alone! Sex toy modders unite!

  • CP

    As a recent college graduate, I definitely splurged on a Mona when PinkCherry had a killer discount….but I also waited three months to catch the killer discount. You never know how much waiting can help. 😉

  • CP

    Six months ago, I bought a Mona (based on your, bedhead, and queeraschino’s recs). I got her during a killer sale but now I’m wishing I had waited because this is a great giveaway. I’m not going to enter because I already have this beauty (and also because I’m still just getting to know her, six months later). But, if asked, my sob story* would be that I haven’t yet gotten the hang of my Mona and have used her maybe four times since I got her (and even then, just as an external vibe).

    *note again that I’m not entering this giveaway but just wanted to tell a quick story and give you mad props on the #monaparty

  • Ian Pinsker

    The pain relief lasted less than a week. It was not at all worth it. They operated on my lower back and I’ve been about 80% of pre-injury since then. Unfortunately they won’t operate on my neck until after 5 years if symptoms in most cases because of the risks and difficulty to diagnose. <3

  • Ian Pinsker

    We’re a few years apart, and long distance, so that’s hard too. The toys have helped bridge the gap, as well as lots of trust and planning around goals of seeing each other. Based on piphy’s recommendations, we own a jopen wand, pure wand, we vibe touch, a pur plug, multiple Tantus grab bag items including an echo that’s deep purple and beautiful and a bog-standard fleshlight. It’s an awesome collection, but with my health questionable and work unsteady, she keeps me grounded and sane. Only 2 more weeks and she’ll be with me permanently. =D

  • Aard Rinn

    A tearjerker, eh? Well, I don’t have anything like that, so I’ll see if this can pull at your heartstrings…

    So at my school, we have a dildo-swapping club. We run out of the pride room – it’s not really a big thing, or an officially recognized one, but we’ve got about eight people who trade dildos amongst ourselves. I have a big collection of glass dildos, for example, and just got a nice Tantus silicone one in purple (purple!) while up in Cape Cod; everyone else has at least one or two… Maybe 18 toys between us?

    But we have a wishlist. Being broke college students, it rarely gets fulfilled, and being horny college students, it grows at a substantial rate. On it are thing like Bad Dragon dildos, an Eroscilator, and, yes, a Mona.

    See, we have exactly one vibrator – a Wahl; it’s powerful, and it serves us well, but… it’s loud and clunky, and while I <3 it forever, others… don't. We've wanted to replace it (well, give it to me) for a while, now; the problem is, inexpensive vibrators tend to be hard to clean, and rarely last long… and we just don't have the money for a good one.

    But you – you could fix that for us! If I win this contest, it won't just be a victory for my clitoris, it will be for all out clit… ori? orises? IDK. But you'll make a whole bunch of girls very happy is what I'm trying to say.

    Aard Rinn
    aardrinn@gmail.com

  • Lametastic

    I’ve never had a giveaway app ask for my full name before, just in case I win one, do you think you could use my twitter handle instead? lol.

    This isn’t quite a sob story but I can say that my first vibrator I ever bought was from Spencer’s Gifts, (of course). It was this hard blue plastic and had a separate remote that took a very obscure battery. I was able to use it once when it stopped working. It’s possible the battery in the remote was dead, but after one use? That seems a little ridiculous. Needless to say, when I’m reccomending toys to friends I direct them to better stores (Tantus, Shevibe, Good Vibes etc.) and blogs with good reviews, (like yours!) because I don’t want anyone else to have to suffer the feeling of being able to use a vibrator once and then having to search for an obscure battery to use it again. Rechargeable is the way to go anyways.

    I’ve attatched the picture, it looked something like those ones, but worse.

  • Lametastic

    picture didn’t work, here it is.

  • Lametastic

    or not, don’t know why its not working

  • bjpeace

    Here’s my sob story contribution: I used my yearly funds to buy a freaking Ina, despite your critique, because I had myself convinced I needed a rabbit. I’ve discovered that I DON’T need the rabbit aspect and I’d love to experiment without the damn uncomfortable thing digging into me (my previous experience has been rabbit cheapos I’ve bought from a local store. Discovering your blog opened me up to the world of QUALITY sex toys. I’ve bonded with my Ina, but I believe I would enjoy the Mona more).

    (I blown away by some of the other contributions and stories, so I might have to break out some paper mache and glitter tonight and try for the creative win ;))

  • Jim Platt

    Well, you want a sob story ? 50 years ago, while separated from my wife for a couple months, I met and dated a young lady who was divorcing her husband. We both ended up going home to family. My wife died of lung cancer almost 9 years ago, I was diagnosed with prostate cancer following her death, I had it removed, losing erection and semen. The lady from 50 years ago lost her husband 6 years ago to heart failure, following that we found each other. NOW, we are a couple, but from her restrictive marriage, I have been able to introduce her to the idea of toys, but both on SS can’t go out with our walkers and afford to buy the new things…her birthday is in a couple months and your gifting would make a tremendous birthday party to which she could come nicely….thank you for consideration….<3

  • austin

    I dont have a tear jerking sob story I’m just a loving husband who wants to do something nice for my wife. I found this blog site about a year ago when I was trying to find a toy to spice things up in the bedroom and with the help of your review I got her a we vibe touch. I subscribed to the newsletter and have enjoyed the reviews(especially the ones bashing bad toys). I have been wanting to get a Mona for her but was waiting to use birthday money to buy one for her for Christmas. With all the hours i put in working as a farmer and that she puts in as a nursing student we don’t usually have much time to spend with each other in the bedroom when sleep isn’t the main goal. I would love to be able to give this to her for those times when she gets lonely while I’m burning the midnight oil at work.

  • Lanimal

    I really can’t compete with these sob stories, (the medical ones really make my heart ache for those involved, but also make me so appreciative to live in Canada). The only thing I can really say is that my girlfriend and I are really struggling both financially and sexually. We work 40+ hour weeks at shit jobs just to keep a roof over our head. We haven’t even bought groceries in 4 months, because well, rent comes first. And from working 40+ hour/weeks, we hardly see each other. When we finally have time together, we’re both so burnt out that our sex is either really fast or not at all. I know I have just described half the population and I don’t need or want any sympathy, I’m just telling it like it is. I fell in love with Mona when I worked at a sex shop. Her simple design and power intrigued us both, but she was $200 and at that time, the only thing on my mind was to pay bills and rent. Every day I would take Mona out of her box, hold her in my hands and think “someday I’ll own you. Someday you’ll be mine.”

  • Teacup

    My First Luxury Vibe: A Tale of Woe (In 2012)

    I saved a few dollars every week for months hoping someday that I could own a luxury vibrator. Something that was amazing, would be worth bragging to friends about. Something that caught the eyes and also made them see stars. I had the internet at my finger tips and told myself that I wouldn’t settle for anything less than the best money could buy, or at least what money I had could buy. Many reviews were read over and over plus many websites were rapidly clicked through. Nothing in their online repertoire did it for me. Sure, I had a few choices lined up but there was just one problem. I thought a luxury vibe meant viral marketing, expensive materials, and brand name gossip in brand name magazines. If everyone was talking about (well, they claimed everyone was talking about it) it had to be worth the big bucks right? Again I told myself, I’m a smart shopper… I just won’t throw my money at any one…

    But I did. It had finally appeared by a miracle it seemed! ‘The One’. The vibe I coveted above all others because in my mind it ticked off all those little check boxes. The best part of it all? It was $300 off the original price. From $500 to $200. I freaked. How could I not? This had to be a sign from the sex pantheon. It had to be mine. (I later learned this was a mistake on website management’s side)

    Two days later the discreet package arrived at my doorstep. I’m glad the mail carrier wasn’t there to give it to me personally because I couldn’t keep a straight face. It was finally here! My very own luxury vibrator! If only per pubescent me and their electric toothbrush could see me now… (What, I was young!) I tore through the plastic envelope and I tore through the bubble wrap. In a sleek black box with a silver embossed logo, it exuded luxury. It had to be mine, now.

    It was slim and only the length of a pen but it had some weight to it. Is that the feeling of the powerful motor inside that I read great reviews all about? I twisted the cap that turned it on, it remained quiet. Is the battery dead I asked myself? I held it up to my ear… No, it was buzzing. And it’s just one speed…?They never mentioned that on their website. Strange, that isn’t powerful at all. It’s luxury though! Maybe I just needed to get myself warmed up before it showed its true amazing powers to me. I lay the silver tube on top of my pajama bottoms. Nothing. I pressed on, it’s luxury! They said so! I took off my pajama bottoms and then tried laying the silver tube on top of my underwear. Nothing. I was disappointed, but it can’t be my vibe… No, it has to be me. It’s luxury! I paid a lot of money for it! Maybe I needed to try manual stimulation first? So, for fifteen minutes I enjoyed some of my favourite online stories. I was ready, really ready this time. It had to work this time.

    I propped myself up on some pillows, turned the cap once more, and this time with no clothes traced it all over myself. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. If per-pubescent me and their electric toothbrush could see me now… They would both be laughing. The vibrator was as close to me as I could make possible without a trip to the ER. I felt nothing, nothing of that promise of a powerful motor. At this point, standing on a hill with a slight breeze would feel better than this.

    The reviews all said it was great! It was amazing! Critically acclaimed! It solved late night frustration, made couples mad for each other, and brought world peace! The reviews said so! It was luxury! I was swept away by the grandeur of owning something expensive because I thought expensive meant great. At that moment, sitting on the edge of my bed, I realized I was wrong. I had been duped, fooled, had the wool pulled over my eyes, and so on and so forth. That night I vowed to myself that I would never let that happen again. But at that moment I just wanted ice cream.

    I put that toy back in its sleek black box with a silver embossed and never touched it again. And before I wrap up my tale of woe, I would like to say thank you. Thank you JimmyJane for creating the most disappointing, unsatisfying, non-powerful, totally useless toy ever. The Little Platinum (and all the others of its line) are not worth the money and never will be. I was promised luxury and you delivered on that. But everything else? Failure. The only reason it’s so quiet is because it can’t even meek out a simple vibration. The human pulse could do better. A jar of bees could do better! (I don’t recommend trying that) G-Spot stimulation? Give me a break! The one time I put it inside my vagina I was afraid I would never get it back due to how small it was. Luckily, my vagina recognized the lack of quality and gave it right back.

    One bad sex toy experience didn’t end my quest for better orgasms though. Instead, I found my way to Epiphora’s blog and through her a whole wealth of information, stores, and people to connect to, to learn from. I let my small time interest in sexuality grow to depths I never thought possible. I educated myself and anyone who would listen. I wanted to make sure no one else wasted their money on a vibrator that couldn’t deliver.

    Now, I’ll be honest with you, I didn’t write this story to win myself a Mona 2. I already own one. It was the greatest purchase that I have ever made (next to those 5c candies I use to get in a paper bag). It’s proof that a company can be luxury but still have room left for quality and customer care. So, I want to win one for a friend, or well a potential friend. I know her by name and the occasional anecdotes from another friend of mine. She seems like a great person but I’m not very good at meeting new people. So, I thought what better way to start a new friendship then with an act of kindness? Something to start an interesting conversation about. Giving a stranger a sex toy does fit the bill for interesting or at least an arrest warrant. Even if I don’t win I will be able to have a great opener, “I was going to get you a sex toy so we could be friends, will this basket of chocolate do instead?”

  • Snark IsRequired

    Anyone fancy a game of MONApoly? This is my attempt at an artistic representation of the Mona: http://imgur.com/a/qXHc9

    My past 24 hours have been a flurry of coloured pencils, sharpies, scrapped design ideas and endless measurements. A break down of the board is below:

    BOARD FEATURES: Inspired by Piph
    Go – Renamed “Turn your Mona ON!”
    Jail – Renamed “Watch Battery Vibe Cove”
    Free Parking – Renamed “Mona Appreciation Shrine”
    Go to Jail – Renamed “Go to Watch Battery Vibe Cove”
    Electricity – Renamed “Zone of Enlightenment by Epiphora”
    Water – Renamed “Sliquid Lube Tap”
    Train Stations – Renamed “Mona Chargin’ Stations”
    Income/Luxury Tax – Renamed “Coffee Tax”
    Community Chest – Renamed “The Toybox”. The little Mona cards belong here.
    Chance – Renamed “Truth and Sweet Justice”. The little cat cards belong here.

    PROPERTIES: Named after Piph’s Tags and Banter titles.
    Brown – “Um, No” and “Porn Fail”
    Blue – “Epic Fail”, “Risking my life” and “~revolutionary!~”
    Pink – “Not for the faint of vagina”, “All women are the same, right?” and “Snark Digest”
    Orange – “Am I being Punked?”, “Did humans even test this?” and “Worth every damn penny”
    Red – “Toy Box Reports”, “In my dreams” and “Conference Shenanigans”
    Yellow – “Postcards from the peanut gallery”, “Jack-off Journal” and “Adventures in squirting”
    Green – Epiphora makes lists”, “April Fool’s!” and “Feminism’s not a dirty word”
    Dark Blue – “True life: I’m a sex toy reviewer” and “Dump him, buy a Mona”

    I made Title Deeds, Money, and best of all – little modelling clay Monas to use as game pieces 😀

    Hopefully you like it 🙂

  • Allison

    I’ll keep my story short:
    I’ve been in a long-distance relationship for three years because of school, and I was recently accepted into grad school. That’s great for my brain and all, but terrible for my body. Now I’m looking forward to three more long years of late nights with papers and going to bed alone with nothing but the comfort of my own hand. Please help me.

  • Ann

    I have a story to tell you. I don’t know if it’s a sob story, exactly; I tend to refer to it as an “it is what it is” story, but it does make me a little sad, especially on my bad days. Several years ago, when I was very young, I began a relationship with an older man that quickly turned abusive. Because I was naive and in love, I stayed with him for almost five years. After it ended, I became extremely depressed and eventually ended up in the hospital for a suicide attempt. I also had some pretty severe sexual dysfunction that I thought was related only to my depression. However, as I began to recover emotionally, I noticed that my sexual problems (lack of desire, arousal, unsatisfying orgasms) continued. I thought that having sex with new people would fix this problem, but it only made it worse. I grew unable to be intimate with anyone, including myself. I finally came to realize that none of the “sex” I’d ever had with my ex was truly consensual, and that the reason I was so unfulfilled sexually was because I had suffered sexual trauma that I couldn’t recognize because I was so young. At 20 years old, I am just now beginning a journey towards healing emotionally and learning to be intimate again. It isn’t an easy process; sometimes I cry after or during sex, which makes me feel worse, but I want to get better and have found a partner who is willing to help. A big part of this for me has been learning to be comfortable with myself, by myself. I am learning how to relax and enjoy masturbation again so that maybe some day I can enjoy consensual, intimate sex with other people. I think Mona could really help me with this, as I don’t have the means to get very good toys on my own currently, but they could really make a difference in my healing process. Thanks for reading my story, and thanks for your blog- it helps more than you know.

  • BuggieBee

    … well this is the best thing I’ve ever seen. I was gonna go for the creative route, but never mind.

  • The bulk of my collection came from a Good Vibrations 30% off sale when I splurged all of my birthday money that year on toys (sorry, grandpa…your money went to good use). Waiting for sales is so definitely worth it.

  • Snark IsRequired

    Aww thank you, you flatter me 🙂

  • Myra

    Fair enough. And at this point in my life (been sick for a decade now) it doesn’t bother me in the least to open up to people. Sorry, if I took the concept of “sob story” to the extreme. ^-^;;

  • Heather Curtis

    Ha! I came (heh) in here to lay down my best rhymes, but I can’t even compete with this masterpiece! *bows down*

  • Britt In Toyland

    Can this be a thing? I’d totally pay money for this game. I want to play!

  • Catarina D

    Good night !
    Here’s my Mona Vibe:
    Powerful, feminine and very pleasing. Handmade w/ markers, by me of course ! Good luck everyone !

  • Catarina D

    Whoa, my drawing wasn’t posted on the other comment !
    Here it goes again(i think):

  • Cornelia

    Yeah I’ll go for a sob story bc why not, words are easier than art, lol.

    A little over a month ago I was diagnosed with a neurological disorder which prevents me from being able to do a lot of things normal people have no issues doing.

    It means mostly I shouldn’t read a lot which prevents me from studying and writing on my laptop, being a student that’s a big problem. But the biggest issue is it’s making it impossible to work.

    So, I’m not able to afford such a nice thing as a vibrator currently.
    I have an internship through summer which I struggle to complete and which makes it even more difficult for me – I suffer from terrible headaches during working hours, taking another job would be impossible.

    Now, as a person from a not so badly doing family I could just save money for a vibrator I desperately need (not dating anyone etc etc. plus my old one was a shitty model, birthday present that needs battery change like /daily/ and the batteries to eat are expensive, idk who even use them seriously) but all money that I manage to keep on me that doesn’t go for food etc. goes for medicine and trips to the doctors that are currently numerous.

    So in order to start on medication that will actually help I need more tests and more doctors visits which are expensive and make it impossible to ave money for a new toy I’ve been wanting to buy for months. Not gonna lie, the giveaway makes me a little hopeful, maybe I have a chance to end the hell of fighting with a very basic, constantly breaking vibrator I currently own and have something better soon?

    Long story short? Sick, broke and full of hope (for some better experience with a new vibrator)

  • Andria Dearden

    Awwe thanks! (Totally blushing here)

  • chick

    I’m going for your heart strings.
    My friend with benefits is a man of 65 and his erection only lasts about five minutes then he is too exhausted to do Anything else.
    My Lelo ina gave a shuddery gasp and died (probably from making up for my fwb).

    The local sex toy store sold me A Fabulous vibrator that “outshines Lelo” and only cost $130.00. It sucks! And now I’m broke like my ina.

    I need to orgasm at least once a day or I get extremely cranky.

    Please won’t you help save my co-workers from a life of misery?

  • Myssie

    Hey Epiphora,
    I must make this quick as I haven’t much time and typing isn’t easy for me. Myssie could really use a Mona 2. She’s got some toys and they’re all right. None of them vibrate nor sound a lovely as you make Mona out to be. Myssie has this great partner who loves to get her off and I think he’d like to get her off with a Mona 2.
    She’s pretty great, this Myssie. I’ve known her forever. We didn’t always get along, like, she was maybe scared of me for a while. We got really close and now we make each other super happy (the previously aforementioned partner fucking rocks too).
    I’d love a new toy but I’ve hear her speak of budget, the kids need new clothes, yada yada yada, so I don’t pick a fight (meaning I keep the yeast at bay).
    She has no idea I’m sending this to you. She has no idea that I’m using her phone while she sleeps to type this. She has no idea I can even type and don’t you fucking dare tell her! The next thing you know she’d have me entering quickbook data and paying bills online-I’d sooner die!
    Do me a solid and pick us, please?
    With thanks,
    Myssie’s Pussy

    She never gave me a name, we’re too damn sophisticated for that nonsense. If she did though, I’d be called Queen of the Fucking World)

  • Tadiera

    This is less of a sob story and more of a facepalm-worthy story.

    I had one dildo. I’m poor, y’know? Got the Wahl and a glass dildo and… that’s it. I went on a girls’ trip for a couple days a few weeks ago. The day I get back, I’m in the bathroom and see… my dildo in the tub. Inquire with the hubby about it and… well, whaddya know. He decided to take it to use for some anal play.

    So, lucky me to have an outgoing, sexually positive/aware husband. But unlucky me that I now have no dildo and no money to afford a new one.

  • Tadiera

    Girl, I am totally with you. I’ve been trying to conceive for over 5 years… to no avail. Looks like only an IVF would ever work at this rate and- no insurance covers that nor will I ever be able to afford it. <3 You have my understanding and spiritual support.

  • Elle Marie

    I am sending you a million hugs right now. Massachusetts now has a mandate that requires most (basically all, is my understanding) insurance plans to cover infertility services including IVF with ICSI, and PGD if indicated. I’ve heard of people trying to relocate to get the coverage – there are still costs, especially for medication copays, but it makes it a reality for a lot more couples than it could be before.

  • Tadiera

    Really? That’s amazing! I recently was in an argument where I was trying to tell people who were arguing that ONLY birth control matters that insurance should cover fertility services also… Know what people told me? ‘You don’t have a right to have kids. You can have a fulfilling life without them.’

  • Ron Krell

    My girl friend just had one of her ovaries removed and has spent the last 2 months recovering. We still haven’t had sex yet as the doctor says it is too soon. However, she is really worried that having stuff removed from inside of her will have ruined her ability to enjoy sex as much as she once did. I’m hoping that by wining a Mona it will help ensure that she continues to have great sex and will help bring her fully back to enjoying sex like she did before the surgery.

  • Dildo. Swapping. Club.

  • “Full name” is kinda a lie… it takes whatever.

    Anyway, yeah, those suck.

  • Oh damn. You’re pulling at my opinionated heartstrings with this one!

  • This is so sweet. Thank you, Jim, for following me and obviously being a great partner!

  • Doesn’t need to be tear-jerking! You are sweet. Thank you so much for reading.

  • I imagined that last part in the creepiest voice. 1000% excellent.

  • It’s so magical!!

  • OH.

    MY.

    GOD.

    The cat cards. The color. The art. The Sliquid lube tap. The card that says “Your Mona is charging. Miss a turn until the charge is full.” EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS. I AM LIKE PERMANENTLY STUCK WITH MY JAW DROPPED.

  • Miriam Sheridan

    Now that I’ve read this article I have ‘My Sharona’ stuck in my head, hard. You how they say that once you get a song in your head the only way to get rid of it is to listen to the song all the way through? Well it didn’t work. That’s my sob story. I’ve got ‘My Sharona’ stuck in my head and I can’t get it out. I feel like the only way to fix this is to receive one of these Monas and listen to the song while using it. Only the Mona can save me now. Please help me.

  • Lia Heavvymetalqueen

    Damn. This is amazing. Such attention to detail!!

  • Crissy K

    WHOOPS, got an idea in my head so, roll the commercial!

    PRESENTING THE NEW MONA 2 MODEL: THE ORGASM FAIRY! Complete with rainbow wings, that MS paint flair, AND brand new turquoise body! PLUS free shipping! The Mona will fly right to your door! You’ll moan all night long if you order today! HURRY, only ten of this model in stock!

    CALL 1-800-HEY-PIPH IN THE NEXT 30 MINUTES AND GET TWO BACKUP ORIGINAL MODEL MONAS FOR FREE*

    (Magic wand and sparkles not included. Turquoise Mona 2 only available in the broken dreams of LELO consumers, ask your nearest store for details.)

    *Some restrictions apply, must be willing to review product to qualify.

  • Steph W

    There was a woman who, strong in her gait, confidently strode through many a sex shop. She has bought fuzzy handcuffs and fuck-me-funny triangular foam things for doggy style with a tall boyfriend. She has bought tall vibes and short jellies and benwa balls and weird, sticky jelly. She has bought lingerie that was technically more like wearing shoe laces covering appropriately on her body (though the cost of it was inappropriate, damn I could have just made this.) Shit called “water-proof” THAT WAS NOT. And Dicks with dimples and dongs with divots (which don’t feel as great as the idea may seem) She has worn those tiny thongs and those booty shorts and she has walked in 5 inch heels and fucked in them and all of this? All of this was in pursuit of the truth. The truth is that the female orgasm does more than exist, that shit is prevalent and real and a force to be reckoned with. Women’s orgasms rain thru out the day. They ring high and clear as the bed shakes and the shower curtain wrinkles. The truth moans with legs in the air or perhaps askew on the arm of the couch. Liberation of the female O singing like a uniting alma mater to all womanhood echoes as she tickles the hood. Shit is going down and it is real and she best believe it. All knowers of science of course know the truth that the female orgasm controls wave patterns and phases of the moon and when the crops are ready to be harvested and when schools of dolphins pass through gulfs. Obviously. She has fought through idiotic lingerie magazines and fake porn, and unstimulating stimulating jelly all in pursuit of this truth. There have been many a bad experience with bad vibes and bad guys and bad gals and bad situations. But she wants it, that outstanding orgasm. And also there is nothing hotter than were her significant other does it in the butt while they use a vibe in the pink hole. Damn. So good. Gimme dat vibe.

  • Steph W

    Don’t worry, I’ll say it…
    This is how you get STIs and STDs……….
    DO NOT FUCKING SHARING TOYS
    ARE YOU STUPID
    HOW OLD ARE YOU
    THIS IS LIKE AN ORGY WITH CLOTHES ON
    FUCKING STOP
    RIGHT NOW
    AT SCHOOL???
    OF COURSE ITS NOT RECOGNIZED
    YOURE ALL FUCKING EACH OTHERS PLASTIC HUMP STICKS
    WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU
    GET TESTED
    ALL OF YOU
    RIGHT NOW

  • Jessie

    You’ve probably already heard of this in your quest for googling, but incase you haven’t, perhaps you have http://www.pelvichealthsolutions.ca/for-the-patient/pelvic-floor-muscle-tightness/ Essentially your muscles are spasming constantly so sex hurts, sitting hurts, everything is pain. If the breathing exercises are helping that actually leads me to believe you have hypertonic muscles. Kegel exercises could actually make it not hurt, if this is the issue. But, of course I could be totally wrong, I am no doctor.

  • Jessie

    Dude go to the free section on craigslist, thats how I managed to furnish my palace! People love giving away furniture, its one less thing they have to do themselves!

  • Turquoise Mona 2 only available in the broken dreams of LELO consumers

    THAT’S true.

  • Petrification

    Lol same!

  • Snark IsRequired

    I may have given myself carpal tunnel from colouring so intensely. But the eternal dream of Mona showering me with virtually hands-free, effortless orgasmic bliss comforts my worries for future orgasms.

  • Alyssa Ilene

    Sob story it is:

    It’s one of the saddest things I ever have to say to my sexual partners: I can’t reach my g-spot on my own. I know it exists, sure, but only through the sheer ingenuity of other people. I’ve never, of my own will, been able to stimulate it in any capacity. Hell, it’s existence is fairly new to me, but since other people have been able to find it, masturbation on my own just doesn’t have the same appeal anymore. Epiphora, I’ve been a pervert since I was twelve, but I don’t want to masturbate anymore. The one activity that should be all self-love and joy, and it it’s lost it’s glory because I know about something better that I can’t give myself. Christ, I’m nearly embarrassed to say that. It’s just scary.

    I spend days pouring through your blog, looking at all the quality toys I wish I could afford. Thing is, I’m a broke college student with a job that barely pays tuition. I just don’t have eighty bucks to throw down on a Comet G Wand, much as I’d love to. I come from a really conservative town in Missouri, so it’s not like I can ask anyone else (or my parents, god forbid) for the money to get one. I’m all on my own here, stranded, getting orgasms when I can find other people to give me them, and hating myself for it. I just don’t know what to do.

    I know it’s not as serious as it could be, but I feel like it’s seriously interfering with my life. Something I used to enjoy so much is just gone now. I want to be able to take it back.

  • Crissy K

    I fought bravely with Paint at 4am just to make that joke. Worth it.

  • Elle Marie

    That was the state of Massachusetts’ stance on the issue – the realistic attempt at biological children is part of reproductive freedom and should be covered under health insurance plans. There are limits on the numbers of medicated cycles/IUIs and IVF attempts that will be covered, but it is pretty comprehensive, once it kicks in. Of course I am in the “under 35 so you have to wait a full 365 days before a referral” boat, even though I now have diagnosed issues that make it impossible to conceive naturally.

    You have every right to be a parent. I hope something is able to work out for you, one way or another.

  • trix23

    Awww, I humbly thank you!

  • ElectroGoblin

    Wow, really nice giveway!
    Would love to get one of those to start helping my girl in the way for squirting…
    We have almos reached it with her FunFactory one… so I hope this will make the difference!

  • trix23

    So glorious, and I can relate to the Coffee Tax (I just *had* a latte, but your drawing makes me want another one right now)…

  • Alyssa Ilene

    I should be packing, but instead I spent the last a while doing this. Ta-dah!
    http://i.imgur.com/hUr7zz0.jpg

    Papercraft Mona 2 bookmarks! Perfect for marking your place in erotica, keeping tabs in a sexy journal, or making any book that much more enjoyable. The purple one is made from another of my favorite things, a copy of The Old Man and The Sea. The pink one is buttons and paint swatches! The literary perverts will inherit the earth, right?

    If you like them, I’d actually love to mail you some. They were fun to make and I hope you’d get a kick out of them.

    Bonus pics:
    An aptly-named sex journal http://i.imgur.com/1J1G5Ul.jpg
    And a bit of shameless promotion http://i.imgur.com/XwYV19v.jpg

  • Turquoise! I would die. (I wish the Mona 2 came in turquoise and dove grey, like the Gigi 2).

  • WATCH BATTERY VIBE COVE

  • Aard Rinn

    Yeah, it’s a lot of fun. We have basically unlimited access to stuff like condoms and Astroglide through Student Health services, which helps make up for the lack of a club budget…

    We actually campaigned to get one last semester, since we had enough members to actually qualify, and *technically* should have been eligable for about 1k in club funds.

    For some reason, the Club Services Commision didn’t approve of us. Who would have guessed it, right?

    I lost all my old pictures when my computer crashed, or I’d send you some pics of the year-end dildo fight we had last semester. Those things leave fucking welts!

  • Ross

    I’m familiar with it, yeah! It’s difficult to diagnose, to my understanding. The breathing exercises somewhat reduce the pain and somewhat just help me manage it, so it’s kind of a wash on what my exact issue is–further medical inquiry has resulted in a kind of shoulder-shrugging “little of this, little of that” attitude. Kegels haven’t been terribly helpful to me, but I’m always open to new ideas–this page has some stuff about muscular trigger points that I haven’t heard of before and will be looking into. Thank you!

  • Since the images didn’t embed themselves and PEOPLE NEED TO SEE THIS, I’m going to put the first photo of Monapoly here.

    The rest at: http://imgur.com/a/qXHc9

  • Rewind 10 years… Twelve-year old me had just been to the beach and had a lot of sand in her crotch. Sitting in the back of my family’s minivan, beneath the privacy of a towel twice my size, I innocently decided to attempt to rid myself of the pesky grains. I discovered this mysterious hole up into myself that felt kind of weird, and having not had my period yet, I thought, “whoa, this must be my vagina!!” I was an adventurer, an explorer, a conqueror of new, grown-up things! I accidentally found my g-spot. I accidentally came (silently, thank god), in the car with my entire family on the way back from family vacation. Oops. I kind of liked it. I kind of kept doing it a lot in my bedroom (alone).

    Rewind 9 years… At age thirteen, after my first period, my parents gave me a book called “Every Young Woman’s Battle; Guarding Your Heart, Mind, and Body in a Sex-Saturated World”. Instead of giving me The Talk, they let some fundamentalist Christians do it for them. There was a chapter about the temptations of homosexuality, a chapter about why “modest is hottest”, a chapter about the “slippery slope” of physical affection and flirtation, a chapter about the evils of masturbation, a chapter about “falling in love with Jesus”… I learned that there was a word for what I’d been doing for the past year, masturbation, and that it was evil! It was going to ruin my future marriage! I’d stolen a precious gift from my future husband! He’d never be able to pleasure me, and would resent me for pleasuring myself! Cue my insistent guilt complex. I thought I’d taken my own virginity.

    Rewind 8 years. Fourteen-year-old me was still masturbating (because fourteen year old me was as cranky as 22 year-old me is without a near-daily orgasm), but fourteen-year-old me sometimes cried herself to sleep because she was a dirty, terrible person who kept letting her evil vagina get the best of her. I commandeered an aluminum ice cream scoop with a thick handle and used it as a dildo (even then I picked safe stuff, phew). I thought that the changes my body was going through were caused by my masturbation habit. I thought that because my vagina changed from a smooth, bright pink to a darker, magenta/purple-y color with some bumps and wrinkes, I’d given myself an STD, when really, puberty was happening. I surreptitiously stole packets from the doctor’s office about genital warts for many years.

    Rewind 3 years. I’d just withdrawn from college with severe depression and moved back home with my parents. I didn’t know it at the time, but I had my first crush on a girl while I was at school, and coming home and being away from her just made me more miserable. So I turned to tumblr, and I started realizing that masturbation wasn’t evil, that sexuality was nearly universal but was a spectrum (and nothing to be ashamed of), and that porn existed and was actually kind of cool. I watched a lot of amateur couples having sex. A lot. I discovered I really liked watching men have their asses played with. I discovered pegging and the wonders of gay porn. I joined edenfantasys and ordered myself a mood naughty butt plug & a CalExotics couture vibe when I ordered the goods for my cousin’s bachelorette party. I thought they were all I needed.

    Rewind 2 years. Still working from home and still using my buzzy $25 vibe, I decided to invest in a real dildo to get over my fear of large penises (I’m a staggeringly petite 4’11”). I’d started following you, and grew to be even more comfortable with myself. This was the beginning of my unrequited love for sex toys. I loved them, but I could never have them, because my parents would open my mail and find them. I would drool over your toys, sigh over your reviews, and wish I could be a cool sex toy reviewer like you. Then reality would set in, because my mother would enter my room without knocking. The three tantus toys I ordered for myself (from the manufacturer, this time) were on super sale, and I had to send them to my best friend’s apartment so she could hand them off to me. My parents hacked into my laptop, found my porny tumblr, and accused me of being a sex addict. They wanted me to go into counseling for it with the church pastor. I reminded them that I was twenty years old, a legal adult, and that I was being safe. They pouted, but backed off.

    Rewind four months. I decided that I want to be celibate because I’m scared of babies, birth, and abortions, so I was finally mentally ready to invest in a Real Sex Toy (aka a piph-approved toy). I asked you whether you prefer the Leaf Life or the Mona 2. You were adamantly in favor of the Mona, so I started saving.

    Rewind two months. I realized I was queer, and my fascination with Buck Angel and the Fleshlight Girls line made so much more sense, holy shit. I came out to my mom, who promptly told me that I wouldn’t be having any more of my girlfriends sleep over under her roof, ever. I lost my job because of policy changes and got in two car accidents involving blind driveways, which meant I needed a new car. My Mona 2 fund was commandeered for registration fees, excise tax, and inspection… I think I cried a little when I took that $140 out of my savings account, lol.

    Rewind two days…. While I was doing the entry paperwork at my newest job, my mother decided to pick my lock and snoop through my bedroom. She found my vibrator and my plug under my pillow, as well as some lingerie, and threw them in the trash right before taking it all to the town transfer station/dump. Thankfully, my nice Tantus dildos are stashed in hollow books among my lifetime collection of 150+ novels. They were saved. Thankfully, I kind of hated my ancient, buzzy, LOUD CalExotics vibe (at least it was silicone?) so I’m not too bitter. But her invasion of my privacy and disregard for my personal property kind of blows on a very general level. I told her off and reminded her that she was married and having lots of sex at my age, and that I’m just doing what a girl’s gotta do while still being safe about it. She promised it would never happen again. (I think she realized how frustrated I must be feeling… :P)

    I no longer have a real vibrator. I can’t stretch enough to take my average-sized dildos without a warm-up vibrator. My designated Mona 2 fund is depleted. I’m finally okay with all my known kinks, and my sexuality, and my orientation, and the fact that I’m a little dysphoric sometimes, and I can’t do anything about any of it! I can’t celebrate with orgasms! My fingers are cramping, and the muscles of my forearms are begging me to let up already; it just leaves me with a very mild, very “eh” sort of climax. Vibration spoiled me. Mona 2 would have blown me out of the water.

    This isn’t a sob story. The sob stories people have posted here are much more sad than mine, and probably more deserving, to be quite honest. The woman who’s undergoing infertility treatments? The men looking to please their ladies? I know I have no chance. But I would have beat myself up if I didn’t at least try, for the Mona! I’ll be doing everything I can to get my hands on her!!

    P.S. You, your blog in general, and your comfort with yourself, your vulva, & your sexuality have been defining factors in my journey toward feeling half as comfortable with myself as I did when I thought masturbation made me a terrible person. THANK YOU.

  • Pingback: THE MONA GIVEAWAY I’VE DREAMED OF IS HERE()

  • Best contest entry ever!

  • Thankful for Life & Sex Toys

    Here’s my sob story. I only wish it weren’t true…

    A few years ago, something unimaginable happened. Life was all hunky dory, until out of nowhere, I was kidnapped. Or, okay, “abducted” is maybe a better word since I’m no longer a kid. But either way, it was shocking. For over a year, I was subjected to a year of rape, torture, and terror. I lost everything: all my possessions, money, and contact with friends and family. I lost my identity, my dignity, and **gasp!** my sex drive.

    Thankfully, I survived the ordeal. I’m now out trying to fix the damage of the horror movie I’d lived. It’s slow going, but I’m getting there. I actually have a lot of thanks to give to you, Epiphora, because reading your blog and getting into sex toys has helped me get my sex drive back, and that’s huge (trust me).

    Naturally, I’ve been lusting after the Lelo Mona 2 for a long time. In fact, just this weekend I waltzed into the adult toy store just to pick it up and stare at it longingly. I didn’t even glance at the other toys. I only had eyes for Mona. Unfortunately, I cannot justify purchasing it right now because I’m working to get out of the monstrous debt that ordeal left me in.

    Maybe, just maybe, my story will touch you so that Lelo Mona 2 may touch me.

  • Kris Mylett

    TRUE Sob story: My husband stopped paying all my bills for 2.5 years. I only found out because he got arrested and I cleaned out his desk (because I kicked him out of the house). I got a court notice because one of the credit cards he stopped paying wanted to sue me. I had to claim bankruptcy and I am now a single mom. I rarely get time to myself and when I do I need to get off fast and hard. I unfortunately no longer have money to spend on fabulous toys that are coming out to satisfy me and be worth using in so little “me” time. I NEED this Mona so I can orgasm again. Who needs partner (all the time anyway) when you can get yourself off so well? PLEASE I NEED a Mona!

    Thank you.

  • SEAFOAM GREEN.

    SEA. FOAM. GREEN.

  • Holy fucking shit. I cannot even imagine the horror you have endured. Big hugs from me here.

  • I’m glad you are figuring out who you are and letting go of some of the shame that ravaged you for so long, but what the fuck is wrong with your mother?! I can’t believe you have to hide your sex toys in HOLLOW BOOKS to ensure they don’t get THROWN AWAY.

  • Stating the obvious but just to amplify your experience: THE LITTLE CHROMA IS SUCH A PIECE OF SHIT.

  • Um, YES. I need them for my office wall. I have a mighty need.

  • Celaya Smash

    I was so excited to post this but then I saw the Monapoly game haha.
    http://31.media.tumblr.com/84c0bc81d95cd42dc68c0ee39e18125e/tumblr_n9ss8czOyK1tfvdv8o1_1280.jpg

  • Marianne Todd Pratt

    So true Sob story I only have one pleasure device and it is a wall plug in (I like high power) so i need a portable device i could pleasure myself when Hubby and I cant have Adult playtime (like when he is Sleeping) something i can take into the shower (only room with a lock in this house)

  • I own ludicrous amounts of things in turquoise and sea foam green (and robin’s egg). Sea foam sex toys would make me so very happy.

    Hell, half the reason why I bought the Tantus Sport was because it was teal.

  • When my sisters and I were in high school, her rule about undergarments was that if she found it and it wasn’t “appropriate”, she could cut it up and toss it. I guess she extended her rule? I live under her roof, so she does what she wants, I guess.

  • Brandi

    I don’t want to play the pity card, but I feel like I am in need of some major cheering up. Two months ago, I lost my mother. She passed away after battling cancer and a series of major health problems. She was only 68.

    Now, my father has fallen ill. He just got surgery last week. I worry about him so.

    As a result of these two major events, I have become stressed beyond belief. A new toy would help clear up some of these blues. I would love an opportunity to try one. Thanks for reading this, and have a lovely day.

  • Maddie Furse

    Yeah I’ve been browsing the local craigslist. Since I’m unable to drive picking things up gets tricky.

  • Kat

    Woops! I spelled the Tumblr name wrong. ;__; It’s ephimeri! Oh dear. That’s what happens when you get so excited about the Mona that you even forget your own blog name. I’ve followed you for ages, and I know that you love the Mona to pieces. I recently moved out on my own, and I saw all the money fly out the window, since I support myself without loans. I barely manage to juggle classes, two jobs, volunteering, and any remains of social life while also paying food, rent and the basic necessities. I really want to see and try the Mona for myself, but I figured that I would have to wait 5 years to graduate and start earning enough afford life’s luxuries like soft (and three-layer!) toilet paper, a coffee machine and a good vibrator to wind down in the evenings. Luckily, I no longer have to fear for my life that my mother will look around in the drawers and confiscate suspicious items, like she did with my G-strings. I was bold enough to buy a pair, and two days later, they were gone. I bought a menstrual cup, and got scolded because it was supposedly unclean and bad to put “things” into myself. My family are orthodox Christians, and those things really don’t fall into line. I’d tell you more, but I’ve got to run to class! Thanks for being awesome and making fantastic (and international!) giveaways! ^_^

  • Rosie Silby

    Hey Piph?
    You speak of a myth
    You rave ona and ona
    About this supposedly amazing Mona

    Yet I do not owna
    This supposedly amazing Mona.
    So Piph?
    I cannot believe this myth!

    I vote ona
    This giveaway of several Mona
    That you, Piph
    Give one to me so I might be able to test this Myth.

    :0)

  • BuggieBee

    Did he break it or something? Because if not, quality glass toys can be sanitized for use with multiple partners. I’d hate to see you lose a toy over something so easily solved.

  • MissViolet

    Being solely responsible for every AA or AAA battery in the house running out or going missing, is the essence of my sob-story. Living with open-minded housemates is lovely, but still there’s nothing quite so sad as searching the house a horny wreck, just trying to find a remote control that houses some batteries with enough juice to get you off after the last set choked out their final vibration minutes before.

    Batteries, quite frankly, are the bane of my existence. None seem to stand up to the power wielded by the mightiest, or indeed the most mediocre of vibrators, and yet I am slave to them, as I meekly purchase yet another set at the shops, hoping the adolescent check-out boy doesn’t, for some reason, question why I need a pack of ten AA batteries. Nothing requires AA batteries anymore, except for clunky vibrators. That is my belief, and I am sticking by it.

    I’ve had vibrators break down mid-climax, or purchased during a lapse of judgement in which I decided that a squishy jelly-covered one was a good idea and not totally unhygienic and illogical. I once used one that had such a loud, rattly motor that I assumed, mortified, that my next door neighbour had heard it as he approached me one morning and asked what was so loud in my room the previous night. Turns out I’d been watching House really loudly and he thought we were getting broken into. Nice to be looked out for, but terrifying when you realise that if he can hear the loud TV, he can probably hear your vibrator.

    To never again endure these situations would be a dream. A sexy, sexy dream. Certainly more of a First World Problem than a true sob story, but the struggle is real. All I want is discreet, rechargeable pleasure!

  • chlomygod

    Here’s my sob story. About two years ago my father was diagnosed with stage four metastatic renal cell carcinoma (also known as terminal kidney cancer that spread throughout his body). Around the same time he was diagnosed I was diagnosed with Graves’ disease (long story short, I had a thyroidectomy, the surgeon royally fucked it up by removing all of my parathyroid glands, they found cancer in my thyroid, AND I was in the hospital for two weeks because I couldn’t keep calcium in my body due to having no parathyroid glands.) Fast forward to 2014. My father has gone through various treatments, pills, rounds of radiation, and now chemo as a last resort. He’s lost his hair, his sense of taste, his appetite, and his dignity. He’s cold all the time and very depressed. We also found out recently that the cancer has spread to his heart and the doctor’s missed it during a scan in February. As for me, i’m an 18 year old loser with no friends because they didn’t want to put up with the girl who has a dying father and cries all the time because of it. I’ve taken a break from college, and I still don’t feel completely normal after my surgery. I’m tired all the time (I mean all the time, there is not a moment that I feel energized) I desperately need a distraction in the form of this awesome vibrator. Oh great Epiphora, please bestow upon me this master of orgasms.

  • I pinned it to the SheVibe Pinterest Cool Art board – it’s just that good. 🙂

  • Jade

    Okay, my sob story sucks! Basically, I’ve had depression for a loooong time, and have not one, not two but THREE failed attempts at university thanks to it. As people who have experience with depression will know, one of the effects of depression and also a lot of medication used to treat depression is a lack of sex drive. In the last four months or so, my current antidepressants (woo venlafaxine/Effexor) have started to really work and I have a sex drive again! It feels kind of strange to want to have orgasms and to be able to have orgasms. Thanks to failing at university I am also super poor, so while I can have orgasms with my fingers, I’m limited in the kind of toys I can afford. I would love to get into having really good orgasms again! I think the Mona could help.

  • Eva Gantz

    I couldn’t express how I feel about the Mona 2 in words so… I wrote her a song. Well, more technically, I covered a pre-existing song by Cee Lo Green, and made it infinitely more sexual. I present to you: “Fuck You: A Love Letter to Mona”

    You can listen here: https://soundcloud.com/evaafterdark/mona-2

  • hisoddity07

    oh my god this is best giveaway ever. besides a money giveaway I mean. ok ok here goes my “sob story”

    I NEED the Mona because I’ve had FOUR vibrators in the past 3 years. They’re cheap, not the best I know, but that’s all we can afford. Anyways, I now have not even ONE, somehow the top twisty control broke and I can’t get it to work right. It’s really frustrating because it’ll work for a few and I’ll be SO.CLOSE and then it just stops and I’m sitting/or laying there like D: omg no please please don’t die on me now and then I get pissy a bit because dude I was so close and now I have to finish with fingers which eh isn’t that bad but it’s eh compared to the amazing feeling of the vibrating. And now that we, husband & I, are fully responsible for the bills/food I honestly 100% do not know when I’ll be able to get a new one, it would be amazing if I could win one, good lord that’d be amazing.

    Good luck to everyone who enters <3 this really is a awesome giveaway.

  • You have an amazing voice! It sounds pretty much like a song that’s not about a freakin’ sex toy! I LOVE IT.

  • Mist

    This is genius! Can I share this?

  • Eva Gantz

    Eeeee thank you! *blushes* I’m really shy about my singing, but a chance to win the Mona was totally worth it.

  • Eva Gantz

    Sure! 😀

  • Guest

    Boom!

  • My “artistic representation”:

  • Cora-Lynn Botly

    Well, my “Sob story” would simply be that I need a backup Mona 2! It’s my #1 go to for clitoral and g spot and I can’t do both at same time! Therefore, I use mainly for clitoral (it is a top notch clitoral vibe!) and so many times I’m mid use and it dies! Don’t get me wrong there is nothing wrong it has a long lasting charge, but it happens. When it does, it’s heartbreaking!

  • Shellybean4

    I’m hoping I have a chance of winning with a sob story, though it may be long…

    I’m going back to University this fall and was actually planning on digging into my debt to pay for a (pink) Mona 2 since I want her so much! After seeing this contest, I figured I had to give it a try.

    I quit University over a year ago due to severe depression and social anxiety. I was too afraid to even leave my apartment because I was so scared of people, disappointed in myself, and hopeless.

    I have been dealing with depression for 5 or 6 years (it’s hard for me to remember when it started), and before that I struggled with severe PMS (PMDD, though never diagnosed). I would get depressed almost every month and thought it was normal to want to kill myself. After all, my friends would always say “Oh my god, I’m getting my period, I just want to kill myself”. I thought they actually meant it. While dealing with this for years, I eventually fell into a chronic depression. I didn’t know it could get worse. My parents eventually found out, despite my efforts at hiding it, and after being medicated and using cognitive behavioural therapy, I can keep it more under control. The last few years I’ve seen that I have seasonal affective disorder. I hope I can stay happy this fall, but it also depends on how I am with people.

    I’ve always been a very shy person, but as I got older it became more of a hindrance and developed into a phobia. The most simple things to other people I have trouble with. Walking outside or down a hallway it feels like everyone’s staring and judging me. I’ve been doing exposures for the last 6 months which are scary as hell, but now make me a bit less scared of people. I’m hoping with control of my depression and anxiety that I can finish University.

    Because of depression and social anxiety, I felt I wasn’t worth much at all and did my best to avoid people. This includes not dating any men. And I mean ANY. I’ve never been on a date, never had a first kiss, and never had sex. The most I’ve ever done is dirty danced. And I refuse to have sex with someone ‘just because’. I want to be in love. So, hopefully this year I won’t be so afraid to meet someone. Until then, it’s up to my hand and my couple of toys, none of which could compare to Mona 2. Actually, I plan on using her with whomever I end up with. I’ll share the love.

    I feel I should mention, even on my most depressed days, one thing I never lose is my libido. I always find happiness in my orgasms, daily. I’m a really horny person with a lonely vagina. I’ll treasure Mona 2 with the respect and frequent use she deserves.

    Thank you to the people who read this in full!

    Signed,
    A 23 year old virgin, in need of some Mona 2 lovin’

  • Lia Heavvymetalqueen

    Everybody’s stories are making me want to BUY A MONA FOR EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU.

  • NO JOKE, it is kind of killing me

  • Rhi☆Lou

    Been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years, my boyfriend before that 5 years, I’ve never come once! And my friends are making fun of me, cause I’m the only one in a relationship but am still having the worst sex! :'(

  • Starts with “something beside ‘I like orgasms’ haha” and immediately escalates to mind boggling human tragedy.

  • Stabbin Robots

    WHY DID I NEVER THINK OF A DILDO SWAPPING CLUB?!

    Zumba. *Chortles* I was such a tool.

  • Stabbin Robots

    Oh god. Ogodogodogod. The depression and social anxiety whirlpool of sad, I know it well. I also have agoraphobia and SAD and various other acronyms. *Pretend hugs that don’t invade your space* I wish you good days and much improvement. Maybe one day we will be able to attend a con!

    (Probably not, but we can always hope)

  • Living Like Savages

    My sob story is that I want another one on hand when (not if) my girlfriend breaks/wears out the mona I already got for her she’ll have another on hand. Until then, she’ll be free to use one inside and one outside to her satisfaction.

  • Stabbin Robots

    “DAD… ANSWER YOUR PHONE… I NEED YOU TO BRING ME YOUR KARAOKE DISCS…… DON’T ASK WHY……. IT HAS TO DO WITH MY GIRL PARTS. YOU DON’T NEED TO KNOW…… THEN CANCEL YOUR GIG, YOUR DAUGHTER NEEDS YOU”

    O_o

  • I know! I really wasn’t wanting people to break my heart… but then they did.

  • Kaguya

    Have my artistic attempt, painted in watercolor

  • Elle

    My first and only vibrator ever was the Jopen Vr5.5. For those not familiar with this particular vibrator, it’s essentially a rabbit vibrator with a big head that looks like a curly fuschia art piece. The first year with this vibrator was a struggle. My vagina was very confused by it. I couldn’t enjoy the feeling of it, let alone properly get off on it. I looked forward to the day it died so I could have an excuse to buy a new one. But in the last few months a miracle has occurred.. I have learned that it’s bulbous head is excellent for g-spot stimulation (at extreme angles) and if I grab it from behind it doesn’t suddenly turn off if I bump the button. Leaving it buzzing on the lowest setting in someone’s vagina is an excellent way to tease someone. Its two-pronged nature, while annoying to get both proper vaginal and clitoral stimulation at the same time as one would hope would be the case, actually makes it wonderful for anal play. It’s buzziness, while numbing if placed directly on the clit on high, travels marvelously through clothespins or solid glass or metal dildos (and my buttplug). Suffice to say, we’ve gotten along quite amiably these days.

    However, my friend was showing me her vibrator and bemoaned the fact that she lost her charging cord. I, being the altruistic person that I am, lent her mine. Cord returned to me, I happily tried to recharge my vibrator. And it would not charge. After fiddling with it for quite some time, I found the only way to get it to charge properly and not sputter into nothingness right before I need to come ( 🙁 ) is to hold the vibrator between my feet and contort the cord with my hands and sit there. Motionless. For at least two hours. I have only completed this task once while Netflix marathoning. And I like orgasms. And I need a new vibrator. And the Mona seems delightful.

  • Shellybean4

    Thank you for the support! I hope things can get better for you too. *hugs back*

  • chlomygod

    Count me out of the giveaway! I have no willpower and just ordered a Mona. You all make it sound so amazing.

  • I’m so sorry you have those parents and that you have to live there. But glad you’re comfortable with your sexuality and all that. You didn’t need to live with guilt. That should not have been done to you.

  • I love my parents, even though they struggle with sexuality as a whole. I’m not sorry I have them <3. Over time, it's given me a thick skin and some seriously strong opinions about my own sexuality and worth! They're coming around, slowly but surely. I just have to stick up for myself.

  • sophie2229

    This is some of the best pandering I’ve ever seen. You don’t deserve one Mona. You deserve 10.

  • Laura Pinferi

    This isn’t a very good drawing and I could only take a photo with my phone but I don’t even mind I just really wanted to draw this
    (bonus fact: the original idea that witches were depicted as riding broomsticks came from the fact that a hallucinogenic fungus had been discovered (with similar effects to that of LSD), but had dangerous and sometimes lethal side effects. However, the people discovered that absorbing the hallucinogens through the skin, and one of the most receptive areas was through the genitals. So, a kind of salve (or “witches brew”) was made and put onto a broom handle, and the people would basically ride the broom to fly high)

  • Rosie Silby

    Hmm. So I don’t have a sob story as such but I thought I’d throw up my reasons for needing a Mona cos really, you never know.

    I live in New Zealand and to get the Mona here costs a small fortune. I’m a single parent and full time uni student so I don’t have a small fortune to spend on vibrators. I also don’t have time for a relationship right now so am all about masturbation. I need the Mona. It would be hugely beneficial to my life through multiple orgasms causing stress and endorphin release. It would help me focus on my studies as I would be more sexually satisfied and less distracted by “impure” thoughts of hotties I see. It would make me happy which would in turn make me a better parent, friend, daughter, sister etc. You get the drift I’m sure. It would put a smile on my face (and on my vagina) which would then make others smile. So in giving me a Mona you would be making lots of people’s days! These are my rational reasons for needing the Mona. 🙂

  • Sorry. That didn’t sound right. I’m just sorry they did those things to you. I’m glad that despite it all, you’re happy and healthy. 🙂

  • I LOVE IT

  • I’ve been wanting a Mona for a while now, ever since you first brought it to my attention. Unfortunately, my lack of money and my current moving status has made it impossible to be able to buy one. I was always pretty sexually inhibited because of how I was raised (no sex until marriage, you know the drill) but once I got in college I was able to realize that that’s not the way for me. I don’t currently have a sex partner and I need something (preferably a Mona) to keep me warm at night! Even if I don’t win, thanks for the opportunity 🙂

  • Genevive Holland

    Hey Epiphora, I need a Mona and it is completely your fault. I have had a few sex toys over the years, all of them from Spencer Gifts. I am sure that you could write me a dissertation on how tragic that is. I have no idea how to shop for a sex toy. I can’t afford to experiment, so I am very overwhelmed by questions of size, shape, texture, speed, color…it seems like there are more varieties that I know what to do with. Which is why you have saved me. I love your blog and I have learned so much. Your effusive praise of the Mona has convinced me that this is the One. This is what I have been looking for. If only I could afford it.

    I am asexual. That is something that I have had to come to terms with over the years and it has been difficult for me. I could talk about being molested by an older cousin when I was a child or about being raised in a strict Christian household, but the truth is that this is just the way that I am wired. I experience no sexual attraction to anyone anywhere. I have looked at boys and looked at girls and have never had any desire to commingle any of my bodily fluids with any of their bodily fluids. If you think that dating is hard, imagine trying to explain to someone that you like them very much and you want to spend time with them and you could maybe even love them but you are not at all sexually attracted to them. It is very difficult to explain without scaring a guy off or making him think that you are letting him down easy. I want to have a relationship. I like orgasms. I have a normal libido (to be honest, I have a ragingly high libido) and I masturbate and I watch porn and the odds of me finding a boyfriend who will put up with me are slim to none. So, I need a Mona to be my new best friend and take me where I need to go.

    In summation…I like orgasms. I like the Mona. I like you. Please give me a Mona so that I can give myself more orgasms.

  • Meg

    So… I’m asexual! Of a sort, I guess, because I have a REALLY high sex drive, and I’m a big fan of porn and erotica. But I have absolutely no desire to have sexual contact with another human being. Intimacy, cuddling, I would love to have, but I don’t get that either, because my girlfriend lives in Alberta while I’m in New York.

    I would love a Mona because my current vibrator, the Mia 2, just doesn’t do it much for me. I like to get off a lot, like, A LOT, but this little lipstick type vibe isn’t enough. The USB recharging is a nice feature, but the punch it packs is lessening off the more I use it. From the way you’ve talked about the Mona, I can’t even imagine how much good that would do for me.

    My sex drive was killed for awhile, by a mix of anxiety and depression when I lost my amazing job, and proceeded to go unemployed for 3 months. I only recently (as of August 9th), was able to find something. Minimum wage, retail, but it’s SOMETHING. However, it’s not enough that I can buy one of these awesome things for myself.

    This asexual lady would love a chance to cheer herself up and get it on alone with something better than a simple vibrator. The Mona is an elegant, amazing piece of technology that I think would improve my life about 10000000x.

  • hoping to be slutty again

    Okay, I feel like kind of a jerk because some of these sob stories are so much sadder than mine, but after reading the description of Mona’s “strange and unexpectedly lovely” g-spot powers I can’t resist.

    I was raped by an Uzi-wielding drug trafficker six weeks ago. I had been living abroad for a few years and it happened right before I flew home. Next week I’m starting a new school and job and I’m struggling to process this experience and feel normal enough to enjoy them both.

    I was a late bloomer, sex-wise, and it took me a few years of sexual activity to really enjoy myself and have regular orgasms. With the help of sex toys and cool partners, I discovered that I can have unstoppable g-spot orgasms when I’m in the mood. I slept with a lot of people and started to feel in control of my sexuality. Then I feel in love with an abusive guy who tried to make me ashamed of myself and told me that I would probably get raped as a result of my sex drive. He stalked me and sent me a seemingly endless stream of graphic death threats when I dumped him last year. I lived in fear of him for a while, then started having violent, kinky sex to work through my trauma. It worked surprisingly well! For the past year, I’ve been on an amazing slut rampage and had sex with an array of grade A babes, without feeling ashamed or apologetic. I was overjoyed to have discovered so much pleasure and power in myself, until I got raped.

    After it happened, one of the things that made me angriest was that this complete stranger could fuck up my newly-wonderful sex life. He forced me into acts that I used to love and transposed his image into my happiest moments. I know that my abusive ex was wrong–that rape isn’t a punishment for sleeping around–but it seems so unfair that this happened right as I was really mastering the art of promiscuity.

    Now I’m starting over in a new city. I don’t have anyone to booty call here, even if I was ready for that. I miss my partners in the country I left behind. I don’t know how I’ll react when I sleep with someone again. I’m terrified that I’ll see my rapist’s face in the dark and be jolted back to the moment when I realized the door was locked and the gun was in his hand. I want to use orgasms to power through my trauma like I did after getting stalked, but this time I need to do it on my own, at least for a while. I want to re-imprint pleasure over the fear and repulsion he left me. And all I have is a janky old bullet vibe that I pretty much wore out over the last few years, and an even jankier dildo that doesn’t fit my g-spot. The country I lived in had the kind of sex shops that sell nurse costumes and massive dildos of questionable quality, and now that I’m back in the promised land all my cash is going towards tuition. “Using sex toys to reclaim damaged sexuality” is kind of an obvious sob story angle, but it’s all I got. I really hope it works–I would be very very grateful to you!! Although honestly you should probably give Mona to the commenter below who was abducted, because holy fucking shit.

    Thank you!!! <3 <3 <3

  • http://imgur.com/a/lGNKj#0

    My original idea was to sculpt Epiphora in the style of her Shevibe persona with Mona 2’s spilling out of her arms…. Yeah, I’m not that good at art, haha.

    My second idea was to create a snow globe with a big Mona, and instead of glitter or snow floating around, it would be mini sex toys.

    Except all my sculptures floated, aggressively. GAH.

    SO. Instead, I created a shadow box reminiscent of a butterfly collection, with the sex toys pinned to the box like beautiful little creatures. Mona is wearing a crown, because she’s the best vibe of all time, even when ranked among Epiphora’s “Hi, I Love You” and “Best of the Best” toys.

    However, I had all these Monas leftover and nothing to do with them (I have way too many… I had a ton of fun mixing the colors and creating the perfect shades and such). So I made a snow globe anyway, and some ornaments for Epiphora and Aerie.

    And I decided to design my dream Monas… with marbled colors instead of solid colors. I’m lusting after the green and turquoise marbled imaginary vibe, hard. Lelo, can we do this? Please?

  • Your dedication is admirable!! I would never be able to craft little mini sex toys, so you are lightyears ahead of me! Also, the shadowbox was CLEARLY MEANT TO BE because LOOK AT IT.

  • Elizabeth Weber

    Sort-of-aob-story:

    I got divorced, moved, and had oral surgery all in the same month–last month! The painkillers muted my sex drive, but now it is back with e vengeance. A new toy would be a delight, especially since my hitachi is too loud to use on the nights my daughter is living with me. Please don’t make me resort to using…MY HAND!

  • Dun dun DUN!

  • Dildo entomologist? Dildo lepidopterist? Dildologist?

  • Stabbin Robots

    I FINALLY DID A THING.

    It sucks. I used to be able to sing. Damn you, lungs! Also, damn my Dad, who gave me the awesome advice to google karaoke tracks. THANKS, DAD, I ALWAYS WANTED BAD 90s MIDI TRACKS.

    http://youtu.be/v5bii709dKo

    Judge me all you like, that was fun.

  • My dreams would all come true if I could be a dildologist. *dreamysigh*

  • Serecia

    When I was 15, my mom gave me a vibrator for my birthday. It was a really cheap vibrator, and it broke a few months later. I haven’t owned a sex toy since then, and I’m really interested in having one. I’ve also been looking to get a toy, but I don’t earn a whole lot of money, and my bills come first.

  • invaderssayni

    Hey Epiphora, have I got a story for you! So I’m a poor college student, right, and as of today I’m eleven days out from the start of fall semester (and also my birthday). Nothing particularly sob story worthy or out of the ordinary about that, right? Well, get this: I just found out that my finalised financial aid award for the coming school year is ludicrously insufficient for me to be able to afford tuition. I spent ages this morning/afternoon in my college’s financial aid office talking to a “financial aid counselor”, and basically what they told me is that they aren’t going to help me at all, and that I could feel free to go screw myself. Essentially, this means I get to skip merrily back to the community college down the road for fall semester, and hopefully for the spring I can find some other college whose financial aid office has reasonable policies (for example, offering merit aid to students who have worked their asses off to get straight As for the past four semesters). I don’t really have much of a problem with going back to the CC, except for the fact that I’ve been taking what could be termed “the scenic route” through college, and due to bullshit I’m already two years behind on my degree. This has just been the cherry on top of the shit sundae that has been my summer so far, it’s just been one stressful and anxiety-inducing thing after another, and it would be lovely to end the summer on a high note by winning a vibrator I’ve been dying to own since I read your review nearly two years ago. I may be back in the situation of not knowing where or when I’ll be able to finally finish my degree, but at least I could have some really great orgasms with my hypothetical Mona 2!

  • HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT I LOVE EVE 6??? Or do you just have impeccable taste in music?! Also, I have no idea what a “vaginal epiphora” is but I think I want one.

    I died at:

    I burn, burn like a jelly dildo

    and

    I hear words and clips and phrases
    Like “revolutionize”
    My stomach turns, I roll my eyes

    My only disappointment is that you didn’t keep the “tie me to the bedpost” line.

  • Stabbin Robots

    BOTH! You mentioned Eve 6 once and I was like I’M NOT THE ONLY ONE so I remembered 🙂

    Also, I googled epiphora and saw an explanation that it was “an overflow of tears onto the face” so I figured my vag would weep with joy? Or make me weep? I dunno, I just liked the sound of it.

    And I tried to keep the bedpost line in, but couldn’t figure out how 🙁

  • Stabbin Robots

    Your mom is pretty awesome.

  • Stabbin Robots

    Oh man, I hear you. I’m a poor college student, and I graduated two years ago O_o

    I’m lucky that I was able to somehow get like 4k taken off my loans through bursaries, but man, I still owe close to 20k 🙁

  • Stabbin Robots

    I really want to see dildos float aggressively.
    HOW BIG IS THIS THING?! It looks huge. And amazing. You should totally make some of those little vibes and dildos into jewelry. I would fav your etsy in a second. Especially the nobessence ones, beautiful!

  • It’s like 14×10 inches or something like that? If you look at the imgur, you can see all the minis compared to an iPod so you can get an idea of the size of things. Unfortunately they’re basically made of foam, so I’d be hesitant to sell them as jewelry because they’d probably break. I love the idea though!!

  • These would make awesome Christmas tree ornaments.

  • Zee

    Yeah, now im just working on conjuring up a decent sob story

  • Zee

    So this is like half sob story and half artistic representation, so here goes:

    Mona Sob Story

    T’was once a young lassie named Zee
    Who’s vibe was as weak as could be
    It was made of jelly
    And, of course, rather smelly,
    “Alas!” Zee shouted “Poor me!”

    Growing hornier by the hour
    Young Zee bought a Palm Power
    But it was too strong
    And it wasn’t too long
    before poor Zee’s mood grew sour

    Then came along Piph, the great queen
    Who shared Zee’s love for James Deen
    And she offered free sex toys
    One of life’s greatest joys
    T’was the best sight Zee had ever seen!

    So here is my poem, and sob story
    In all of it’s limmerick-y glory
    And I beg you, great scribe,
    Will you please add this vibe
    To my sex toy inventory?

  • Cha

    Ok, so here’s my (sob) story. I apologize in advanced if this looks a little disjointed. English is not my first language and I wrote this in one go and it got way too long so I just deleted some stuff here and there.

    Here goes:
    I grew up in a household where sexuality/desires and expression of individuality were considered ‘lesser than’, inferior, only something “non-intellectuals do”…and intellectuality was to be valued above all. Showing interest in any of it meant I was disrespecting my parents…making them look bad on purpose (yep, give it up for narcissistic parenting).

    My parents gave me the message that I was only worth anything if I did something that made me/my parents look good to them, i.e. be a good, virtuous girl and straight A student in subjects they approved. My interest in art and people I chose to befriend were looked upon with disdain and any interests/passions I had in my younger days were pretty much snuffed out by the time I finished high school. Anything I did was never up to their standards.

    Add a chronic skin condition and “less desirable” body-type to that mix…and hey presto, you got yourself some lifelong issues with self-esteem/self-worth and social interaction.

    So in short: anything “carnal” is shameful, your body is shameful, people liking you for you(r body) is shameful. People will only like you for your achievements/success (no achievements/success means they won’t like you).

    Fast forward to the present, after years of wondering what was wrong with me, I was diagnosed with severe social anxiety, body dysmorphia and resulting depression.

    My anxiety around people has caused me to drop out of college twice (because I felt I didn’t measure up to the rest) and it has caused me to spend most of my time at home alone…jobless and friendless. Even though human contact/interaction/relationship is what I crave deeply.

    And this is where masturbation fits in. It’s my only sexual release right now, and always has been. I have been masturbating since I was a pre-teen, but it has never come to an actual physical experience with someone else.

    Toys mean a lot more to me than just a fun add-on to your sex-life. They are my sex-life at the moment and I’d like to think that using them on myself is somehow preparing me for the day I get to actually have a sexual encounter (a girl can dream).

    Through masturbation, wanting better toys and stumbling across body-/sex positive places online (like this blog, many-a queer/sex/body posi tumblr page)…I have learned that there is nothing shameful about my body and my desires and I don’t need a certain body to be considered worthy and wanting certain things for myself. The logic is there, now my heart has to play catch-up.

    I realize it’s a long, slow and painful process and I just started. And I hope that with therapy there will be a time I can interact with people and convey my want’s and needs without feeling shame and guilt about it. But until that day comes…I will have my toys and the internet to tide me over 🙂

    TL;DR I’m a 31-year old (cis female) virgin with severe social phobia and body issues who has never been in a relationship or hasn’t even come remotely close to being naked in front of anyone, let alone do something sexual with anyone. Masturbation is pretty much my only sexual release at the moment. Toys are my sex-life.

  • sand

    I am a 70 year old widow and I would rather ‘use it than lose it’. How is that for a sob story?

  • sand

    I am a 70 year old widow and I would rather ‘use it than lose it’. How is that for a sob story?

  • Just popping in to say that I’m finding this super fun. You guys are all awesome!

  • babyscully

    So the love of my life left my unemployment stricken town to get a job 781 miles away, to be exact. We’ve spent two years of our four year relationship in a long distance relationship with no end in sight – as I’m still finish a BSc and want to get a Masters, possibly in Sweden or some other cool place (provided I get the 1. GPA, 2. money), which means we’ll be apart for a few more years. We try to have phone sex and sexting, but manual masturbation has always been difficult for me and I almost never reach orgasm. I have a bagful of shitty vibrators but they’re so weak and LOUD. Btw, did I mention I live with my parents AND grandparents? yeah.
    I could use a nice orgasm right about now.

  • So sob story ahead. Or mad plea of desperation. Either way.

    I am a transman and just got chosen to be an RA. but let’s backtrack a bit.

    About seven wonderful months ago, I started down the long, winding, road of hormone replacement therapy, or in my case, injectable testosterone. I had heard of all of the side effects, I had done my research, and I was eager to see the new changes.

    One of them, in particular, came about during…probably the second week. And most notably involved skipping lunch. Why? Because every cell in my body for the entirety of my first three hour class needed, NEEDED, for me to get off. Badly. Violently. I-need-the-biggest-dick-you-have-in-every-hole-right-now-ish-ly.

    And that part has not shut up for months.Yes, I have gone without lunch on other occasions.

    Testosterone has been off-coloredly referred to as the ‘prozac of transmen’, and while I have noticed I am muuuuch less anxious than I was before, I still have one notable difference, and that’s the little, slowly growing, guy downstairs has a penchant to get antsy and how much he wants me to play with him.

    So let’s get back to the RA bit.

    I was chosen to be an RA in one of the most intensive art schools in the country. I am very grateful for the opportunity, but there are several things about this school that you should know: 1, it is tiny, and 2, most of the people that I am going to come in contact with are, most importantly, NOT people I can sleep with.

    My plea to you is this: I am going to be regularly doing 18 hour days, just for school. I will not have money to go and afford something nice. And I’m really, REALLY, horny. And I have very few options.

    For all that I shall be putting up with in stress, drama, and occasionally stopping the dumpster out back from catching on fire or the transient population from getting let in and asking for money in the residence halls, not to mention my ever (hopefully) looming financial commitments in transition and art school, all I ask for is for your pity and the reassurance that I will be able to enjoy something nice for my little guy to play with.

    Thank you for your time, and I hope you have a wonderful night.

  • koopins

    Hi Epiphora,
    I’m here to write a sob story, so here it goes:
    I’m a disabled college student. My specific disability is Cerebral Palsy, which is basically a bit of brain damage at birth that keeps my muscles fairly tight and my balance off. Between the CP, my wheelchair use, and having attendants help me dress every day there isn’t a whole lot of ways to feel sexual on my own
    I got my first vibrator from LELO at 19, at the urging of my boyfriend. I like vibrators because they give me a control of my own sexuality and body that I would not be able to get otherwise. My partner and I have a great sex life, but it’s great to be able to give myself that pleasure on my own
    I’ve been eyeing the Mona since your first review on it because I believe it could give me a different experience. I would buy it on my own, but my poor college student status is preventing me. Is there anyway you can help me?

  • Cha

    This reads like I could have written it (my sob story is a couple entries up). I’m starting therapy again..hoping I don’t quit before the exposure part again. *non invasive internet group hug*

  • Celaya Smash

    I’d feel like an ass for trying to compete with the sob stories, so instead I’ll try to make you angry. You see, my mom, is the most laughably caricaturelike sex-negative creature I have ever come across, to the extent that I felt violated a lot of the time.

    She believes that tampons make you lose your virginity, as do sex toys… and once waited outside my bathroom door for me to come out before telling me that she found my dildos, threw them away, oh, and “what hole do you put your toys in?”

    Because butt toys don’t count as losing your virginity and at least my future husband’s family won’t be upset about that, right? NOBODY’S GOING TO WANT TO MARRY ME AND MAKE BABIES WITH ME because I masturbate?!?!?!?!?! (Psssst, I intend to never have kids and I still have yet to tell her.)

    But that wasn’t a compelling enough argument to get me to stop putting things in my vagina, so she told me masturbation causes death by internal bleeding. And pelvic inflammatory disease. It’s not like that same logic implies that penises would cause the same issues, right? It’s not like my boiled glass and silicone toys are arguably cleaner than a dude’s penis.

    More recently, she went on an anti-LGBT hate campaign and assumed that the only reason I would have sex toys is to play with lesbians or the “bisexual diseased”. That girls who play with girls are infested with STDs. And told me “if you like girls, you better die”.

    Because interrogating me about my male friends, throwing away my condoms, and assuming I was pregnant with the child of every male friend I ever had, since the age of 13, wasn’t enough. Me hanging out with people of ANY gender nowadays at age 20 is enough to make her stalk me.

    Don’t masturbate, don’t be with guys, don’t be with girls. You know, just don’t be a person. Be a walking baby incubator and “finish school already so you can start making babies.” Yes, she actually said that last part in quotes.

    She also believes that vaginas are such a terribly sinful place that ideally, babies should be born via C-section. Vaginal birth babies are more stupid, she says. To her, vaginas literally only exist for depositing sperm– there’s no such thing as female pleasure.

    But, if that’s not enough, she damn near had someone come up to my room to give me the two-finger insertion test to “verify” my virginity and told me it would be what’s best for me.

    Like look, I get that some people reading this are moms themselves and they may or may not be offended because, yes, mom has done so much for me. Yes, I understand that. It’s no surprise the amount of condescension I’ve met over this topic because complaining about parents is frowned upon.

    But that doesn’t mean I should never ever speak up against my mom’s intolerance. Her sex-negativity embodies so much of what I try to fight against, and it is unrelated to the material things she has or hasn’t given me.

    See, even if you chalked everything else so far to me having been a whiny teenager who needs to be more grateful, NOBODY is going to tell me that I should have to put up with near-assault levels of invasiveness. NOBODY is going to tell me “that’s just what moms do.” I shouldn’t have to deal with the possibility of a sketchy non-doctor stranger coming up to my room to finger me for no real or good reason.

    That shit does not fly with me. “Maybe you shouldn’t be living under her roof” is a legitimate argument, yes, but you can’t deny that she needs to find better things to do with her time than stalk and harass me. My consent and personal life decisions matter way more than my mom’s baby fever.

    P.S. Yes, I am moving back out next weekend. My dad basically tells my mom, “If you’re going to be stupid, at least keep it to a minimum. Back off” and agrees that my mom’s obsession with controlling my body is none of her business.

  • Guest

    As I was working on my artistic representation of the lovely Mona, I realized that my art supplies had been sitting around, unused, for over two years. It was nice to get my hands dirty & create something again. =) Thanks for giving me the nudge that I apparently needed, Piph!

  • Mandi

    As I was working on my artistic representation of the lovely Mona, I realized that my art supplies had been sitting around, unused, for over two years. It was nice to get my hands dirty & create something again. =) Thanks for giving me the push that I apparently needed, Piph!

  • OH MY GOSH YES IT IS A THING OF BEAUTY

  • eregion452

    I’ve never wanted to have sex with anyone. For a long time (a much longer time than is typical, at least according to informal polling…) “anyone” included “myself”. Long about this time last year, I found your blog (through a late night tumblr fugue) and was sufficiently intrigued to try masturbation.

    I am holding you responsible for this past year’s….(mis?)adventures in self-pleasure.

    I haven’t got up the courage to insert anything anywhere yet, but lately my semi-horrified fascination with the toys you review has gotten less and less horrified and more and more fascinated. Your blog has taught me that you very much do get what you pay for, and (moreover) that everyone deserves the best: unfortunately, I’m a grad student, so the best is out of reach. I am, in fact, entering the final year of my doctoral program — imagine the stress relief you (and Mona) could bestow upon me in the next few months! (I can’t promise to dedicate a chapter of my thesis to you– that’s a conversation I really don’t want to have with my advisor– but I would definitely work in an acknowledgement for helping me keep my sanity.)

  • Barrie

    Something tells me Mona would make me moan-a lot! 🙂

  • Charis B

    that was amazing

    *tips hat

  • Nathalie Kelly

    Sob story: I need it because I have an extremely high sex drive, and guess what? My boyfriend does not… He only does anything like every 3 or 4 days and it’s just not enough and I suffer because of it!

  • Dolphin blues

    Dolphin blues. 14 years and countless interludes with and without my husband and my ever faithful FunFactory indestructible blue dolphin vibrator is going limp. I don’t build relationships easy and it took me a while but I’ve grown quit fond of blue. He has survive an encounter with my killer Dalmatian that has a fondness/fetish for silicone toys and young children running through the house with mister buzzy; the memories. Blue has developed control problem in the low medium and high ranges. He still works but if you bump the dial control which is easy to do and your almost there and bam NOTHING, Mona me. After getting so close it sometimes impossible for me to get back; Arg!

  • David

    I don’t want to call it a sob story so more of a truth for you to hear about on why I hope to with a Lelo for my wife.

    I actually can attest to the fact that they are the best. No doubt, no question at all. Why do I know? I had purchased one for her in the best and it was an amazing addition to our life. Oh the joy. Sing, sing a song.. Bring out the o face. Are you not entertained. I mean epic.

    What changed? I’m glad you asked. See I thought the perfect and needed member of our home would be an adorable black lab. She’s cute and loyal and has sharp teeth that like to chew on things. You may know where this is headed.

    Yep. Picture the scene. We walk into our bedroom and find small flakes of plastic strewn around the room. Curious. I dont have a clue what that could be. The lead under the bed where said lab likes to hang out. My son walks in and starts to pick up the pieces about the same time we start clicking as to what that plastic might have come from. See the lelo doesnt use batteries, you charge it through your wall outlet. I was being a thoughtful man (who thought a charged lelo would help lead to a charged wife) and decided to plug it in before I had went out to do some work. Evidently the black beastie decided that the Lelo seemed like a nice chew toy so it became dog food. I realized in time what my son was offering to clean and quickly sent him on his way.

    The dog lived. Trust me when I say it will make you think about how much you love your dog 🙂 Now that said, we haven’t been able to get a replacement. I’m sure it isn’t the worst sob story but it sure was a brutal end to a bedroom legacy piece. I’m asking, please, please, bring Lelo back to our bedroom.

    (I promise to key the toy out of dogs reach from here forward!)

  • Robin McClanahan

    This is my Sob Story:
    I am a disabled woman living on Social Security, so I have literally zero dollars to buy sex toys with. My partner recently lost his job, so he is also broke. My medications make getting off super difficult, but strong, rumbly vibrations tend to do the trick beautifully. 🙂 I am turning 30 in five days, and likely will not receive any gifts, as a result of the aforementioned poverty.
    Additionally, I’m a huge fan of your blog, and once I get back on my feet financially, I intend to start a sex and sex toy blog for people with chronic illnesses and disabilities. A Mona would be an awesome thing to review there!
    I don’t have any way to record myself, but:
    To the tune of “My Sharona”- 🎶 Oh please oh please oh please, pick me! I need A MONA! 🎶
    (I really did sing that out loud, on my front porch.)
    Winning a Mona would make my birthday. Please? ♥️

  • T.J.

    I’ll apologize first for this being so long, but I would like to share a story with you. A fairy tale, if you will. As a precursor, I strongly recommend you read thsi with a dramatic tone.

    Once upon a time, there was a young lady named T.J. (who totally bears no resemblance to the woman writing this post). T.J. was a rather simple girl – energetic, bright, incredibly attractive. She had it all, of course, but there was just one thing she lacked: a truly mind-blowing sex toy, for her only two suitors, while strikingly amazing, were not as amazingly versatile as she knew they could be.

    But one day, T.J. was hearing the word around town and heard rumors beginning to be muttered in hushed tones. “Mona,” they whispered. “They say it’s the best vibrator in the whole realm!” Naturally, T.J. was intrigued. She quickly went home and used her technological devices to find what this “Mona” was.

    “Oh my lord!” she exclaimed when she saw what it was. “Such an amazing sex toy, even the Queen, Epiphora, has proclaimed it a miracle worker! Surely I must have it! Although . . .”

    She hesitated, for there was a problem. A problem so dear, of course, that it meant certain failure for her sex-toy fantasies. It was her wallet – mere weeks before, it had been kidnapped! Taken away by a mysterious rogue who looked astonishingly like Tom Hiddleston . . . surely, she would have to go on a long and neverending quest to go get it back (as you most others would do – after all, this is a fairy tale).

    But T.J. knew what she wanted. So she strapped on her adventure-going cape and pulled up her pants, and soon she was on her way.

    It was a dangerous and peril-filled journey. T.J. traveled over hazardous waters and fragile bridges, fighting off cruel ogres and a strangely-creepy unicorn on her way to where she knew her wallet would be hidden – in the dangerous mountains of Saskatchewan (no, really). But after long months of struggle, she found her way to the base of the mountain and looked up at its heights, determined to go as far as she must to regain her wallet and buy the sex toy of her dreams.

    “If I must climb this mountain with bare hands and feet,” she proclaimed, “I will! If I must claw up with my rugged fingernails and clamp onto stones with my teeth, I shall! I will let nothing get in my way, for I am a strong warrior, and I shall have my wallet and my sweet, sweet sex toy!”

    . . . of course, she didn’t actually have to climb the mountain, because there was a convenient cropping of stairs just a few feet away. Which was awfully weird, but hey, she figured she might as well.

    After taking the (not-so-perilous) climb up the stairs to the top of the mountain, she found herself outside of a cave . . . unnerved yet armed with her wit and a regular kitchen knife, she entered the mouth of the cave and let her eyes roam the darkness, ready for anything she might encounter.

    A hissing noise came from the darkness.

    “Who’s there?!” T.J. demanded to know.

    The cave returned to silence. Surprised but unperturbed, T.J. continued her entrance, wary of what she find, until all of a sudden, from the darkness-

    “So you’ve come at last, T.J.”

    The voice was so sinister it made her skin crawl. Before her, she saw a light flicker on, illuminating from behind a heavily padded chair. She could see the silhouette of a man stroking something in his lap.

    “Tom Hiddleston,” she muttered. “So this is where you were hiding.”

    “How observant of you,” he snickered as he turned his chair, revealing him in an astonishing tuxedo with a fluffy white cat in his lap, a la a James Bond villain. “What gave it away? The rumors from the kingdom? A sign from the unknown? The fact that I left a business card with this specific location in GPS coordinates on your table after I took your wallet?”

    T.J. was not intimidated.

    (Okay, so maybe she was a little.)

    “Let’s just say there were lots of little signs,” she said. “I’m sure you know what I came for. Return my wallet to me, you brute!”

    “How dare you call me a brute!” he said, and the cat hissed. “You think you can enter my lair without so much as a knock?”

    T.J. sighed. “Well, your doorbell was broken, so . . . enough of this!” she whipped out her kitchen knife and demanded, “Return my wallet to me!”

    He was silent, and T.J. was ready to charge him, ready to let his blood mix with the ogre guts and unicorn hair already clinging to her blade. The room was silent for mere heartbeats. It seemed the silence would never end, and then he opened his mouth, and said this:

    “Okay.”

    T.J. stopped and blinked. “Wait . . . what?”

    “I mean, I didn’t even want your wallet anyway . . .” he shrugged and reached into his pocket, pulling out the lovely duct tape wallet that clearly had met with fiendish torture at the hands of a very agitated and spoiled cat. “I only wanted it because I needed to order a pizza for you.”

    “A pizza?”

    “Yeah, I mean . . . the cat got to it, but hey, if you still want it-”

    “Uh, no, I’ll just- uh- take the wallet . . .”

    At last, the wallet was in her hands! Devilishly smooth and only the best, she took it from Tom Hiddleston’s hands and pulled it into her embrace with a cry of pure joy. To know it was back in her hands! To know she could finally buy the toy of her dreams! She wasted no time – she opened her wallet up wide . . .

    . . . and realized it was entirely empty, for when she looked up and around, she realized that she was just a university student playing make-believe in her basement because she was bored and craved a vibrator.

    . . . okay, so here’s the real story: I am, in fact, a university student. I will be starting my first year in less than two weeks, and I will be a long way from home at that time. I have no job; heck, I don’t even have much money. I’m very familiar with my body and do, in fact, own two vibrators already, but all of the raving on this blog convinces me that I want to try the Mona II out. Of course, that is far from possible right now, unless I managed to get it for free . . .

    So, this is my sob story. This is why I want a Mona II so badly. And, uh, if all else fails, at least you got a silly story out of this? Thanks for reading!

  • Stabbin Robots

    Your widget is saying I have no entries, and made me log in with Twitter… I have no idea how I may have logged in before, since I don’t use FB or Instagram… HELP! 🙁

  • I’m emailing you…

  • I really hope you start your blog!!

  • harpychan!

    Not necessarily a sob story, but a funny one.
    Alright, so, I used to be in Boy Scouts before I came out as a giant homosexual at 14. One of the things we did was camping every month at a nearby mountain. Now, one of those nights I was feeling exceedingly horny, because I’m a 14 year old male and so essentially I get boners if a brisk breeze fluttered its way through my shorts to my nether regions. It’s dark, it’s 1AM, and I’m awake and was more horny than I’d ever been. I /needed/ to get off.
    The thing is, being 14 means you don’t exactly have access to things to get off with. Being on top of a mountain with nothing but an overactive imagination didn’t help.
    My solution?? Stick a flashlight up my ass, without lube, and use it as a dildo pretending it’s my, frankly, really really hot scout leader.
    Now, keep in mind this isn’t a pen flashlight, this is a full on torch, about the girth and length of a red bull can, but a bit thicker. So halfway through I’m regretting this but I’m more turned on than ever. And then I start thrusting and shit goes down.

    I get stuck. And so I try to pull it out, but it hurts, so I’m stuck at 1:30AM with a flashlight in my ass. To make matters worse, every time I clench my ass, it flicks the light on briefly. So I’m panicking, I’ve got a flashlight up my ass turning on and off and people are waking up. Fast forward five frantic minutes and my tent door is open and I’m struggling to stop the flashlight flickering as I try to extricate it from my nether regions.

    My nickname for the rest of the time I was in boy scouts was “Firefly”. To this day, there are boys in my town who think occasionally back when they were 13-14 about the time a guy got outed because he got a flashlight stuck up his butt and it turned on and off. This could be solved if I had a discreet Mona and didn’t have to resort to drastic measures such as flashlights that I am almost certain ravaged my rectum to the point where I doubt it was the same ever again.

    So, there you have it, heyepiphora. This 18 year old needs a vibrator and my permanently ever-so-slightly-loose bum cries in pain every once in a while for lack of a proper sex toy.

  • Amelia-Marie Altstadt

    My sob story is as follows.
    17 years old was like a switch had been turned on within me. It wasn’t going off either. I was hyped up on sex hormones. Horny all the time, with no relief in sight. I admit, I made some bad decisions during this time, but I also made a really great one. Before this happened, I was silent during any sexual encounter. Before this, I was constantly burning up with desire. I found a guy that could keep up and even challenge my own teenage horniness. He made me not so silent. I would hazard to say I’d even be a screamer now, if I had the alone time. However, one thing in the entire time I’ve had a fantastic sex partner, and time to grow has eluded me.
    Orgasm.
    I want to reach it so badly some days I want to cry. I can feel myself get to the moment right before and then oh, Oh, OH… nothing. It makes me feel incomplete in certain way. Like I’m not reaching the precipice of being a female in the same way I’m not reaching the precipice of orgasm. It’s a silly thing to be so sad over when I do love the rest of my life, but I will always feel vaguely empty, vaguely like I don’t belong to my own sex. I’m trying especially to get back to loving myself after I had a run in with sexual assault back in January. It’s hard.
    Both the Mona 2 and Stronic Eins are on my list of to get, but it’ll take awhile to save up enough to make such an investment in my sexual health while I’m away at college. If those don’t work for me, then I guess I’ll go see a doctor to see about my physical health. I want to believe I’m okay though. That I just haven’t gotten to it yet.
    In the meantime, I’m starting my own chapter of Sex Geekdom at my college, which definitely fulfills my sexual desires in a completely different way, haha. I just wish these sexual desires of orgasm will be fulfilled. Eventually.

  • T.J.

    …I’m not sure what my mouth is trying to do, because it’s caught between a massive grin and a massive groan. And yes, I mean that in (mostly) jest.

  • k2

    First, lest you think I am making this up for the sake of a free vibe, I swear that every word that follows is true.

    My wife and I are in our 50’s. We have two adult children and, at this point, we have been married most of our lives. Sex was always an important part of our lives, but not imperative (nor creative) part of our lives. It seemed like enough.

    Then came breast cancer. Cancer changes everything, and in ways you would never imagine. I read everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, I could find on the topic so I could be a supportive advocate. And I was. I attended every single appointment, and still do. On chemo days, we arrived early and had a nice breakfast at a restaurant close to the hospital. I held her when she wanted to held, bought an iPad for her to read and watch movies. When she was tired, I would read to her. Afterwards, we would always go out to a nice dinner.

    We are now over three years in, and she is HEALTHY! One thing that got lost, though, was our sex life. For a long time she simply wasn’t healthy enough for it and, frankly, I felt more like a caregiver than husband.

    We are trying really hard to rekindle was lost during that time. To that end, I purchased a Gigi 2. It seems to work well, but I agree with your critique – the Mona 2 seems like a better fit.

    Thanks for your consideration.

  • Pingback: Review: Lelo Mona 2 | AFemmeCock()

  • Shelly’s Leg

    I don’t know if this counts as a sob story, but for the Mona I’ve decided to try!

    I went to a really catholic school, the kind with nuns and old manor houses and hellfire, for the majority of my prepubescent life. I was always told that without my virginity I was worth nothing in the eyes of god and pretty much unworthy of love in general. I didn’t even really know what virginity was, just that it had something to do with whatever was ‘down there’ and that god had a slight obsession with it. As a result, I never wanted to touch my vagina, even to wash it, which resulted in me getting a uti at the tender age of 7, still believing that somehow I must have lost my virginity and god was punishing me.
    Fast forward to age 19, as I try to come to terms with my asexuality fighting against my libido (and try to figure out if I’m actually asexual or just still subconsciously afraid that god will hate me if I have sex) and touch myself for the first time, after a disastrous attempt at sex that ended with a lot of blood and pain and my being left alone in my dorm room. I just couldn’t believe that something so awful was what all the fuss was about, so I decided that maybe I should acquaint myself with my vagina before introducing her to strangers. I still feel a bit sinful for touching myself, but after finding this website I’m a lot more comfortable with masturbation, and worked up the courage to try a vibe for the first time. Unfortunately, 8 months of the year I live in rural canada, in a sex-toy desert where I don’t have access to anything but a pitiful vibrating back massager that eats more batteries than I can afford. I still haven’t managed to try an internal vibe, which I desperately want to, but my laptop for school broke and that, on top of school fees, drained my account of the money I was planning to use to buy a relatively decent internal vibe.

    Obviously there are people way more deserving entering this competition, but I thought that at the very least you might be glad to know that you helped a slightly traumatized catholic girl not to hate her vagina and accept that she’s worthy of love regardless of the fact that she masturbates.

  • Guest

    Hello! Okay, so this is my sob story although you might sob a little more at my expense than for actual, well pity.

    So, I’ve always been really closed off to talking about sex and exploring my lady bits. This could (and probably is) because I was raised by an ex-catholic nun. Yes, my mom used to be a nun and lived in a convent in Mexico for over five years. Needless to say, I had a very religious upbringing and my mother is less than tolerant of my non-heteroness.

    As she was growing up, she thought that kissing someone would lead to pregnancy. I kid you not, she thought that if she did anything more than hold hands, God Almighty would swoop down and strike her righteous little soul and plant the gift of life right into her bellybutton (ya know, where babies come from).

  • SALMA CALITO

    ((I accidentally uploaded this a little while ago, but it was incomplete. Apparently the space bar hit twice can submit things??? Anyhow, this is my first entry, just saying.))

    Hello! Okay, so this is my sob story although you might sob/laugh a little more at my expense than for actual, well pity. (But I think it’s kinda funny too so its okay. 🙂

    So, I’ve always been really closed off to talking about sex and exploring my lady bits. This could (and probably is) because I was raised by an ex-catholic nun. Yes, my mom used to be a nun and lived in a convent in Mexico for over five years. Needless to say, I had a very religious upbringing and my mother is less than tolerant of my non-heteroness.

    As she was growing up, she thought that kissing someone would lead to pregnancy. I kid you not, she thought that if she did anything more than hold hands, God Almighty would swoop down and strike her righteous little soul and plant the gift of life right into her bellybutton (ya know, where babies come from). Did I mention that she had one boyfriend? And they held hands once? And that he went on to own a ranch, construct an orphanage, and become a priest? Oh, I didn’t? Well, he did.

    The only time she’s ever kissed a man was my father. On their wedding day. They had a lovely relationship where they talked on the phone, everyday, for two weeks before they decided to tie the knot. Long story short, my mother is a very unhappy woman who then went on to look for her uhh.. womanly fulfillment (emotional and otherwise) elsewhere. (Not without great consequence I might add.) She’s maintained all her other strict, catholic virtues and believes that woman are ladies of the house and are meant to make sure that their husbands are constantly happy. Needless to say, I am very unhappy with her conservatism and her view of women. Especially because she strongly thinks this applies to me as well.

    So, let me tell you was I in for a surprise when I went into high school! The world was not, in fact, the little bubble of chastity I had known all my life. People were KISSING in hallways and-and in PUBLIC! *gasp!* In high school, I found a wonderful group of people who were very outspoken about sex and how a woman shouldn’t feel ashamed about seeking her own pleasure. It took me a looong time to come to terms with this new way of thinking, but now I love it! It’s so empowering and liberating and downright FABULOUS.

    One day, my friends and I went to the mall (that sounds so anti-climatic, I know. Just keep reading) with the sole purpose of getting vibrators. My friend, A., and I both were excited and terrified at the same time. (Well, she was jumping off the walls I was scared. Like, THAT huge thing was supposed to fit WHERE? *NOTE: I started out small, because ow.*) In the back of Spencer’s is like a magical sexual wonderland of all sorts of things to make your lady parts sing. I had never seen a vibrator in-person before that day. There was so many! And so many colors! I wished that I had done research before hand because it was just downright overwhelming. Of course, my best friend S. is very knowledgeable on the subject and was more than happy to help me choose one. I chose something inexpensive,small, and discreet (okay, it had ridiculous blue rhinestones on it but I was sure I could hide it well enough.)

    I couldn’t bring myself to look at the guy at the register in the eye and pay for my bedazzled buzzer. So, I made my friend [read: begged my friend] to get it for me and I would give her the money. I felt so embarrassed as we walked out, as if people at the mall could see through the black plastic bag and know what was inside. Even though, I’m sure now that they probably wouldn’t care.

    The sinful box stayed in a drawer under my underwear for a week before I had the nerve to try it out one day when I was home alone. I can honestly say that that was the moment I was awakened to this new fantastical world of sex toys.

    Aaaand then I figured out why it was on sale when it would only work if it was in a certain position. [Although my friends tease me to this day that I broke it from overuse… which might have actually been the case..]

    I really wanted another one, but lacked the nerve (and still lack the nerve) to get one in person. Something about looking at a stranger in the eye, having them know I’m going to do… the do terrifies me! So, I decided to order one online and decided to really dish out this time and get one from LoveHoney (meaning: paid $35, got a satin case for it, eco-friendly lube, and a special cleaner). It was a match made in heaven… until my mom found it one day that is. Yes, my very Catholic and traditional mother found my pink rabbit vibrator. And, no. There was no way to explain that the pink verymuch phallic vibrating penis was a “personal massager”.

    At first, I just thought I misplaced it and naturally freaked out. Like, how do you misplace a pink dick? Seriously! But with the way she avoided eye contact for just over two weeks after I just knew that she knew and had decided to dispose of my silicone sexual freedom. Being that I’ve applied for 21+ jobs, have zero work experience, and that I had used financial aid to get my rabbit (yes, the government bought me my vibrator), and that the rest of my money goes toward things like food and books I’m kinda in a pickle here. Thank you for reading this! I hope you have a wonderful day 🙂

  • A tale of misery
    SO, I’m pretty successful. I have a well paying job and I’m usually smart about those things and buying stuff for myself and man does that include wanting to buy a damn good vibrator.
    I’m woefully single so orgasms come by almost never. You’re probably thinking, why don’t you just buy a vibrator with all your money and all this advice you have from this awesome blog?
    This is the sob story part. I still have my credit card under my mother (I’m in college) and she can still see everything I buy. So what do I do? I can buy from a site online so I don’t cheat anyone out of money, but then she would inevitably see the large purchase and google it and god knows she’d drag me back home to kill me. Or I could transfer money into a paypal account over time, but how long would I have to wait for that? Months of transferring money into an account so my mom doesn’t get suspicious? Or go woefully without good orgasms until god knows when.
    So far, I’ve succumbed to the last choice and let me tell you no one is benefitting from this situation other than my mom’s clean and innocent mind.

  • thelesserunknown

    So I finally stopped procrastinating and finished my pencil and digital homage to Mona – whatever’s going on there, it was fun. Good luck, everyone!

  • Viki Vortex

    So how about a sob story with a happy ending? And I mean that in both senses of the phrase…
    I live in a small village in Europe. We don’t actually have any shops that would sell anything resembling a gorgeous and useful Lelo. I mean, sure, there’s the local fruit and veg shop – but it’s not quite the same.

    So when I traveled to England with my band, I popped into a groovy little toy shop and purchased a handy little vibrator. It was on a saturday afternoon – and I was flying back on Monday morning. Being battery powered (the vibrator, not me), I checked it out when I got back to my friends’ house – and it didn’t work! No!! A faulty vibrator!! (Obviously, it wasn’t a Lelo…) So I rang the shop to ask what to do – by this time, the shop was closing (goofy short hours in the UK) and they weren’t open on Sunday. So was I going to have to travel back to my small village in Europe with a non-functioning vibrator??

    Thus ends the sob story – it gets better now.

    One of the women on the other end of the phone remembered me. She also remembered me being in one of the alternative pubs the night before (that’s worrying…). Asked if I would be there again Saturday night. Well, of course. She said she would bring me a new one and swap out the vibrator.

    She popped into the pub that evening, we stood at the bar and demonstrated the malfunctioning vibrator that I bought and she brought a new one that did work. After swapping out, and buying her a drink for her troubles, she suddenly said “Maybe we shouldn’t have done that here at the bar…” And as we looked around – everyone in the bar was staring at us.

    My friend were rather impressed with the pub-delivery service of sex toys though!

  • Charis B

    most of these stories are about women being shamed for their sexuality. It makes me sad that this sort of thing is still so prevalent in society.

  • Charis B

    that whole thing was hilarious, especially the light flickering on LOL

  • GiftOfTheGab

    My arty contribution to the mona

  • Gorgeous!

  • Dani

    In the process of moving a couple years back, an entire box of stuff out
    of my bedroom got lost. It contained books, movies, and my precious
    first gen OhMiBod. We scoured the entire route from the old house to the
    new apartment and couldn’t turn up any sign of the box at all. Our only
    conclusion was that someone must have picked it up and taken it. That
    meant someone had my vibe. Aside from being embarrassed as hell, I was
    now down to just the one vibrator that I got in college. It was still
    holding on strong, it still got the job done, but it was undeniably on
    its last legs. Back in February it finally buzzed its last buzz of life
    and quit on me. It had a good, long life. But that didn’t make it any
    less sad to lose it, especially because, as a writer, I barely have the
    money to pay my bills much less buy a new vibrator that’s going to last
    me half as long as either of the last two did. Sometimes I still wonder
    if someone had my old vibe or if they were so weirded out by finding
    someone’s sex toys that they threw it all away. Having a Mona of my own
    would not only give me closure and allow me to move on from the tragic
    losses that have haunted me for years in one case, but would also make
    me enormously grateful for the kindness of strangers, a kindness that
    evaded me years ago when that box fell out of the back of someone’s
    pickup truck.

  • Sir Ryttefors

    I’d like to enter with a limerick about Mona:

    My vag is feeling so lonely
    Real tiered of my Mona phoney
    A real one she needs
    To furfill the deeds
    In the coulors of “My little pony”

  • Wait. You don’t have a coffee machine?

    THIS IS A MORE PRESSING ISSUE THAN THE LACK OF MONA

  • WELL DO YOU LOVE IT?

  • Emma

    When you announce the winners are you going to explain why? Like, oh I chose this as winners because x y and z really resonated with me, etc

  • dv8

    Sob story? My penis doesn’t vibrate so the Mona has given me an inferiority complex. Besides, hooking up my penis to an electrical charger really stings.

  • Shellybean4

    I’m sorry I didn’t reply earlier! I admit it was because I was scared to respond, same with Stabbin Robots, but if you and her can write to me, then I should be able to write back too.
    I read your story and cried a bit 🙁
    Thankfully I’ve always had a good support system, so I can’t imagine how it feels to have a family that doesn’t help you. I’m really glad you found that support online though. I truly hope you stick with the therapy into the exposure parts. It is terrifying but definitely helps, even if only a small amount. *hugs back*

  • Of course. I will be writing a post about the winners.

  • Zee

    Most sex shops show up on credit card bills discreetly. The Smitten Kitten in Minneapolis just shows up as TSK.

  • Pegasister42

    When can we expect results of the random drawing?

  • Those winners have all been emailed, and will be announced publicly in a few days.

  • chlomygod

    I actually haven’t even been able to try it because my father’s health has been rapidly declining. I’ve barely even been home, so it’s not even charged! It’s kind of ironic that this happened literally days after I ordered my mona. Thanks for asking, though.

  • Hi Jim!

    The email address you used to enter this giveaway is bouncing back to me, so I’m trying to contact you here. You’ve won a Mona 2! Can you please email me at hey.epiphora@gmail.com for more information as soon as you can? I’ll need a reply within 48 hours.

    Thanks and congrats!

  • Nathalie Kelly

    (So sorry to post after the event ended! I just realized that the sob story I tried to post ended up being a reply to some random person by accident, so embaressed!) sob story: so the thing is, I have an extremely high sex drive, and my boyfriend doesn’t… I am only relieved every 3-4 days and I suffer because of it…